Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood
by P.T. Piranha
Summary: Ed, Al, and all the others were in an anime once. Now all over again in Brotherhood. How will this turn out for everyone in Amestris? Who can be the most annoying while inside Gluttony- Ed, Ling, or Envy?
1. Fullmetal Alchemist

A tiny cow with glasses was sitting in an office with two people. One was a young, blonde boy in a red coat and black clothes while the other appeared to be a suit of armor with an apron. They were brothers. The cow spoke first.

"So you remember that time you two were in an anime?"

"Yeah what about it?" asked the boy.

"Well… wanna do it again?" This prompted the two boys to speak to each other before turning back to the cow.

"We'll do it!" answered both of the others.

…

In a large city there was a grown man drawing circles on the ground with pink chalk. But enough about that.

In a large military building. The Fuhrer, ruler of the nation, set down a mug of tea (yes, a mug) and gave an order rather callously to his subordinate.

"Hey Colonel Mustang, go catch the Freezing Alchemist."

**Name - Colonel Roy Mustang**

**Specialty - Flame Alchemy**

**Note - Loves dogs**

"Me?" questioned Roy Mustang, "But why would you ask that of me, Fuhrer Bradley?"

**Name - Fuhrer King Bradley**

**Specialty - Coldly running the nation of Amestris**

**Note - Can't pick out a good gift to save his life**

"Hey fire melts ice, why not?" was Fuhrer Bradley's response.

"Um, okay."

"Oh by the way, the little guy with the red coat and his metal groupie are here as well. Consider them your minions."

"With pleasure, sir." Roy said as he left, but quickly came back. "Wait, you mean-"

"Yes, the Fullmetal Alchemist: Edward Elric." interrupted Bradley.

"Okay, just checking."

...

Somewhere else in the city, the two brothers were sitting on a rooftop.

**Name - Edward "Ed" Elric**

**Specialty - Alchemy**

**Note - Call him short and DIE**

"Crap, I don't wanna be Mustang's minion! I wanna go to Liore!" Edward the red-coated complained to his brother.

"Don't worry Brother, maybe it won't be so bad, it's just to catch one guy."

"You don't get it, Al. Besides, Mustang loves dogs. Last time I checked, dogs and cats don't square."

**Name - Alphonse "Al" Elric**

**Specialty - Alchemy, keeping his temper**

**Note - Loves cats**

"… You're right Brother, as a member of Team Feline, I say we just leave!"

"Yeah, we're not allowed to that. We'll just have to suck it up."

"Awww…"

...

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD

(Fan Fiction Edition)

AGAIN

Episode 1: Ed and Al vs. the Ice Puns

...

The grown man that was drawing chalk had now been running around the streets of the city, manipulating the water around him to his will. The special circle on his gauntlet made it possible. One of two red shirts (ironically with blue uniforms) yelled at him.

"HALT! NO MORE WATERBENDING OR WE'LL SHOOT!" one shouted to the man. But the man did not listen. The other soldier decided to take it into his own hands.

"HEY! WE SAID FREEZE!" The gauntlet man smiled and talked back.

"If you insist!" The man then threw water onto the two and froze them to death. "Hey buddy, chill out! It's only me, Isaac McDougal! The Freezing Alchemist!"

**Name - Isaac McDougal**

**Specialty - Water Alchemy, horrible puns**

**Note - The reactions to his puns are colder than his ice**

Ed's voice called out to Isaac.

"Hey Mr. Freeze, shut your fat face and turn yourself in!"

"We're going up against Mr. Freeze, Brother?" Al's voice was heard too.

"No Al, it's a… never mind." Ed interrupted as the brothers finally appeared before Isaac.

"Well, the Fullmetal Alchemist himself. ICE of you to show up! Get it?" Isaac joked. But Ed and Al didn't respond. There was nothing but awkward silence and a tumbleweed. Al whispered to Ed.

"Brother, was that supposed to be funny?" Ed answered the question.

"Yeah Al, it was. But it was doomed from the start." This made Isaac furious.

"HEY! I PUT A LOT OF HARD WORK INTO THAT JOKE, ALCHEMIST'S BROTHER!" Ed didn't understand.

"Wait, what? Just so you know, he's _not_ the Fullmetal Alchemist. That's me. Now give up or I'll pimp-slap you with my metal hand!"

"Really?" asked Isaac. "The Fullmetal Alchemist is the short one?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME TINIER THAN A BABY DWARF FLEA! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITYYYYYYY!" Ed screamed to the heavens, anger to his finger tips. The furious Ed used alchemy to make an Ed-themed baseball bat out of the wall.

"Wait, you can transmute without drawing a circle with the fabulous, pink chalk?" a flabbergasted Isaac asked. Ed ignored this question and proceeded to slap Isaac silly with the bat. Al interjected once the beating was finished.

"Uh, Brother? I don't think he went that far, he only said-"

"Not now Al, Big Brother is busy."

Soon after this, more soldiers appeared to arrest Isaac. A fat one who was _way_ to happy about his job came up to the armored brother.

"Hey thanks for helping us, Fullmetal Alchemist!"

"Uh, okay… But you want Edward. I'm Alphonse." stated Al. Ed was not amused by this misconception.

"Screw it Al, let's just go on the train already."

"Uh, okay Brother."

Instantly, Isaac transmuted nearby water into steam and got away.

"SO LONG, SUCKERS! I'M OUTTA HERE IN A FLURRY! I'M (Snow) BLOWING THIS POPSICLE STAND!" were his parting words. The fat soldier was disappointed.

"Awww, he got away…" the officer lamented.

"Wow you guys suck. You didn't think to take away his portable circle gauntlet? I mean really?" Ed observed. "And the worst part is, he made more puns!" Ed finished. These priorities puzzled Al.

"Wait, so the fact that he made more puns is worse than the fact that now we have to stay here in Central even longer when we could be going to Liore right now?"

"Exactly. Al, there's a lot you have yet to learn about the world."

"But you're only a year older than me!"

"So?" Ed felt defensive. "That's three hundred and sixty-five days, that's a lot of time for me to learn things you haven't learned!"

...

In a meeting room of sorts, Roy had started teasing Ed and Al, but really just Ed. Al had nowhere else to be.

"Sooo… you let the Freezer get away." Roy teased.

"Hey shut up, Colonel _Mustard_!" Ed yelled.

"It's Must-ANG! I've lived with that my entire career, either that or being called 'Colonel Roy Campbell', you think you're so original? My whole life I'm made fun of-" As he rambled on, the First Lieutenant in the room moaned.

"Here we go again with his childhood…"

**Name - First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye**

**Specialty - Shooting things**

**Note - Crazy tattoo on her back**

"When Madame Christmas dropped me off at the academy for my first day, do you think I wanted to go? NO! But I went anyway! Why? Because I'm Roy freakin' Mustang, son!" Roy recited. "And another thing-"

Al began whispering to Ed.

"Brother, I think the Colonel's having another episode."

"After this many times, it's more like a rerun." snarked Riza. This elicited a snicker from Ed. Roy, oblivious to everyone else's reactions, continued to rampage until someone barged in.

"HI ROY!"

**Name - Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes**

**Specialty - Throwing knives, intimate knowledge of own family**

**Note - The longest recorded "look at my daughter's baby pictures" session with Hughes is said to have lasted two whole days**

"(Here comes that pest…)" Roy thought to himself. He sighed and followed with, "Hello Maes…" Hughes started to ask Roy about his day.

"So what's this I heard about you catching a 'Frieza' or whatever?"

"Yeah the Freezing Alchemist. Fuhrer Bradley said that since my Flame Alc-"

"Yeah, yeah, it's super effective and all. I also heard you've got the Fullmetal Alchemist!" exclaims Hughes.

"Yeah he's right over _there_." Roy said, pointing at Al with a wicked grin.

"D*** you, Colonel!" swore Ed. "Don't listen to him, it's me!"

"Oh wow!" Hughes said, excitedly, "I didn't think you'd be so-"

"(If he calls me short, I swear I'll-)" Edward spoke inwardly, until interrupted.

"That's enough, both of you. Hughes, what do you want?" Roy questioned his supposed friend.

"I was just gonna offer the Elrics a place to stay for the evening." Hughes explained.

"All right sounds good, take 'em." Roy left it at that and walked out. He called to Riza from in the hallway. "Come on First Lieutenant, you're my ride here, you have to leave with me." Riza just sighed and followed Roy out. A few moments of silence pass before Ed broke it.

"Sheesh, they are so hot for each other, I don't know who they think they're kidding."

"So Elrics, wanna stay with me?" propositioned Hughes.

Ed and Al answered no and yes respectively. Of course, Hughes took Al's side and grabbed both boys by the collars, and dragged them out.

"Oh boy, I can't wait until you meet my family!"

...

The Elric brothers found themselves at Hughes's home where his wife and toddler daughter were waiting for him.

**Name - Gracia Hughes**

**Specialty - Cooking**

**Note - Only known woman to put up with Maes's doting on Elicia**

**Name - Elicia Hughes**

**Specialty - Being a toddler**

**Note - She's two**

"DADDY'S HOME DADDY'S HOME! MOMMY DADDY'S HOME!" said the excited little girl with no control over her volume.

"Hi honey, hi princess!" Hughes greeted before he picked up his little girl. "Who's a little-little-little? Who's a little-little-little?"

"Me daddy, I'm little!"

"Yes you are!"

Ed and Al were visibly disturbed, but the Hughes family was too caught up in their event. Ed and his brother learned toward each other.

"Al, when I do this-" Ed quickly taps his first two left fingers against his left ear, "then that's when we run for it."

"Agreed, Brother."

Five minutes passed and Hughes finally introduced the Elric Brothers. "Anyway this is Ed Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist! And that's his fan club!"

"Actually I'm his brother Alph-"

"Not worth it." Ed told his brother.

"It's nice to meet you, Ed and Alph." Gracia shook their hands.

"Um, that's not actually my… Okay, it's nice to meet you. I guess." Al had no time to really talk as he and his brother were being led into the house by the spouses. They eventually started eating quiche.

"Mrs. Hughes might I just say THIS QUICHE IS THE BEST QUICHE I'VE EVER EATEN!" Ed exclaims, taste buds full of joy.

"It's the second quiche you've ever eaten, Brother."

"Shut up Al! Manners!"

However, Hughes noticed that Al hasn't touched any of his food.

"Alph, how are you going to eat with that helmet on? Come on, take it off, relax!"

"Um, actually Mr. Hughes, my name- Huh?" Al tried to before noticed Ed tapping his fingers to his ear. Ed whispered.

"He's onto us!"

"Oh!" The brothers made a run for it, but there was a setback.

"Stupid door won't open!"

...

At Central Prison, Isaac killed some guards to talk to a certain prisoner. Isaac began the conversation.

"Hey Kimblee, wanna help me overthrow the Fuhrer?"

"Nah I'm good. I don't wanna be your little 'sidekick'."

**Name - Solf J. Kimblee**

**Specialty - Making explosions, philosophy (as warped as it is)**

**Note - The J may or may not stand for "Jehosaphat"**

"But think of it, Kimblee! You and me! Water control and explosions! They could make a movie about our heroics!" Kimblee chuckles.

"Nope, the Crimson Alchemist flies solo. Now maybe if you had cool shape shifting powers or control over shadows or something, I'd work with you. But water and ice? Lame."

"For your information, I also have steam." Isaac added, feeling rejected.

"Get lost."

"But come ooooooon!" whined Isaac, "You were there during the Ishval Civil War, you saw all the freaky, messed up things Bradley made us do! Come on don't give me the… COLD SHOULDER. Get it?"

"My respect for you just dropped a little. And that's saying something since I usually respect people." Kimblee insulted.

"Well why else did you kill those officers, Solf?"

"Because I could."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yep! Absolutely no other reason. And I regret nothing."

"Well this sucks."

...

In another part of Central, Ed and Al were staying in the guest room of the Hues abode.

"Brother, it was nice of them to let us stay even after we tried to escape, wasn't it?" Al asked his sibling.

"Yeah, he probably figured we were just playing some kind of baby game. Having a baby's made him forget that we're not the same kind of kids as her. We're teenagers for crying out loud."

"Mrs. Hughes's quiche looked a lot like Mom's." reminisced Al. Ed corrected him.

"Mom never made quiche."

"Yes she did. On my birthday when I turned six."

"No you must be mistaken, Al, that night we had stew."

"Brother, it was _my_ birthday, I think I'd remember what we were having."

"Yeah well I'm older, okay? My memory's more developed just like it was back then and I say we that we were having stew! End of discussion!" argued Ed. Al moaned at defeat.

"How come you always play the older brother card?"

"Because. Now I'm gonna try to sleep."

...

Elsewhere in town, Isaac had finished drawing another circle, though he lamented.

"I've used up the last of my fabulous, pink chalk. No matter, just one more circle and Bradley's done for."

...

_FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Edward Elric_

_FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Alphonse Elric_

...

The next day, Roy was giving a speech in Central Command to the soldiers.

"All right, it looks like there are signs of McDougal breaking into Central Prison and freezing Kimblee's guards for some reason. Kimblee wouldn't tell us why, even when we subjected him to the hot box. He said he had been feeling too cold anyway. So it's up to us to find McDougal, I want you to search every doghouse, tree house, and Waffle House until we find him."

As the forces of Central and Roy's men were searching for Isaac, he was busy using un-fabulous, red chalk to finish his final circle. He then quickly jumped out of the way to avoid the spikes made out of the wall next to him. A manly voice spoke to Isaac.

"Though I can't see you, I know that you've dodged this attack, Isaac. My alchemy isn't easy to avoid, as these techniques have been passed down the Armstrong family line for generations!"

"Oh goodie, it's Major Armstrong."

A muscular man with a blonde curl of hair and a blonde mustache as the only evidence of hair on his body broke through the wall to meet Isaac.

**Name - Major Alex Louis Armstrong**

**Specialty - Many (and they've been passed down his family line for generations)**

**Note - He's only the second-youngest in his family**

"YES, IT IS I, ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG, THE STRONG ARM ALCHEMIST!" the Major introduced himself, but for some reason he pronounced the S in his middle name. "SURRENDER IS YOUR ONLY OPTION."

Isaac's immediate response was to create a water explosion, sending the wall spikes flying away before running away himself.

"OH NO! I MUST TRANSMUTE MY CREATIONS INTO A LESS HARMLESS FORM FOR WHEN THEY MAY LAND!" Major Armstrong exclaimed before quickly using the circles on his gauntlets to turn the flying spikes into stone likenesses of his head. Regardless, they land. The signs of this were a car crash, a cat meowing, and Ed saying something.

"It looks like Major Armstrong went this way, come on Al!" Ed and Al appeared soon afterward.

"There you are, Elric Brothers. Let us go!" Major Armstrong commanded.

"Okay." Ed and Al casually responded.

...

That night, Isaac was on the roof of a building, but Roy and his men caught up to him.

"Stop it right there!" Roy shouted.

"Nah." is the only response Isaac gave Roy before he gave him a face full of water and an escaped dissident.

"Crap." Mustang cursed as Isaac made his getaway. This getaway lead Isaac to the alley he was originally in at the very beginning, and he found his transmutation circle, still drawn in fabulous, pink chalk.

"Ah, still there."

"Hold it, McDonald." Ed greeted from the end of the alley. Al appeared on the opposite side.

"There's nowhere to hide!" The younger brother added.

"Well guys, my ice is gonna cream King Bradley. In other words… HE'S ICE CREAMED!"

Isaac activated his transmutation circle, as well as many similar ones around the city. This displeased a pale old man with golden eyes somewhere, or perhaps it was the bad pun. But he was probably not important at all. Back in the current situation, Ed was enraged.

"That was by far the worst pun you've thrown at us! I'm gonna punch you on the philtrum!" he shouted.

"My what?"

"Brother, alchemic reactions of this scale are impossible unless he has-"

"A Philosopher's Stone!" Ed finished.

A bunch of ice started collecting behind Isaac. He beckoned to Edward.

"FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST-"

"I'm right here, no need to yell, idiot!"

"- YOU SWORE TO BE A DOG OF THE MILITARY AS A STATE ALCHEMIST! BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT THEIR PLANS ARE?"

"I don't care what their plans are! You're probably just some fickle who thinks we shouldn't have gotten into that war that happened a few years ago!" Ed answered, leading Isaac to rebut.

"But if you knew the real reason for that war, then you'd see-"

"I'm not here for your political philosophies, I'm here to kick your ***!"

Isaac's mound of ice grew into a full-blown iceberg. The iceberg then started growing and expanding.

"Brother…?"

"Yes Al, we should run."

"Just checking."

Ed and Al ran away, screaming like girls as they were chased by the ice wall. They passed Major Armstrong.

"NO NEED TO FEAR, ELRIC BROTHERS! MAJOR ALEX LOUI-" Major Armstrong said before Ed interrupted him.

"WE KNOW YOUR NAME, JUST STOP THE ICE!"

"Of course! Alex PAUNCH!" shouts Major Armstrong as he punches the ice. The alchemic reaction of his alchemy and the wall caused the front part of it to break… before the ice redirected off to the side and through a building. Ed berated Major Armstrong.

"Way to go, muscle head."

"Er, sorry…" apologized the muscle head.

"Brother, the way these walls are merging, I think he's-"

"That's it Al! These walls are all going to meet in the middle and freeze over Central Command!" Ed said upon reaching an epiphany. Al was annoyed, but had other things to worry about.

"… Good deduction, Brother." After getting the (sarcastic) compliment, Ed turned to Major Armstrong.

"Do you think you can get rid of the various circles around town? It should stop the walls, we'll keep him busy in the meantime!" Major Armstrong reassured Ed.

"Of course, Edward Elric! You may count on me! As you know, the art of erasing circles has been-" Major Armstrong's monologue continued, but the Elric Brothers have already fled to stop Isaac. Speaking of Isaac, he had almost finished with his attack.

"Move faster, ice wall! Faster!"

"It's not a Pokey, Isaac." said Ed as he and Al appeared on top of the ice wall with the Freezing Alchemist. The older brother transmuted the front most part of the ice into shards.

"Why you little…!" Isaac grumbled as he ran up to Al and used alchemy to knock his helmet right off.

"Alphonse!"

"What, Brother? I'm fine, it doesn't matter what happens to my helmet."

"Oh yeah, I forget that." Isaac was dumbfounded.

"Uh, would you two mind telling me what the **** you're talking about?

"See?" Al said as he bent forward. Isaac looked inside the armor to find…

"AAAAAHHHHHHH! HAUNTED ARMOR! NO ONE'S INSIDE, WHAT MAGIC IS THIS?"

"Hey dumb*** why not look closer?" Ed asked. Isaac recomposed himself and looked inside Al's armor. It was still empty, but this time he noticed the bloody decoration dried on the back of the neck area.

"Oh I get it! He _is_ the armor! More importantly that's a blood seal that keeps his soul bound to that armor!" McDougal concluded. "But how does he control the whole suit?"

"The iron in the blood and in the suit." Ed answered.

"And the appearance of eyes when he wears the helmet?" asked Isaac, and it was Al's turn to explain.

"We haven't figured that one out either."

"Fascinating…" the Freezing Alchemist concluded. "Wait! In addition to Edward's metal hand… That means… YOU TWO TRIED TO RESURRECT A DEAD GUY! HUMAN TRANSMUTATION!

Ed and Al gasped, they've been figured out. Isaac continued on his rant.

"THE ONE RULE OF ALCHEMY THAT NOT EVEN GOD WILL ALLOW! YOU TWO SURE BLEW IT BIG TIME, IDIOTS! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, HA!"

Ed was livid and Al hung his (lack of) head in shame.

_AAAAAAHHHHHH! MY LEG! NO, MY LEG! AL! AL, ARE YOU OKAY? AL? ALPHONSE? AAAAAAAAAL! NO, NOT YOU TOO! YOU'RE GONE, NO! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE BACK ALPHONSE!_

Ed glared for a few more seconds.

"That's it, you're going down." Immediately Ed ran up to Isaac and kicked him off the wall. "Edward KICK!"

"OOF!" Isaac fell off the wall. Ed and Al climbed down after him, the latter having reclaimed his helmet of a head. They walked up to Isaac, who had yet to get off the ground. As a last ditch effort, he shot some blood as needles to Ed, which hit right in the shoulder.

"AAAH!"

"Brother!" exclaimed Al before chopping the attack. The two brothers spent time removing the blood needles from Ed's chest as Isaac made his getaway.

"Now that's what I call cold bloodedness…" joked Isaac upon leaving. "Maybe when my plan works, some day you two will realize what I've been doing and thank me!"

"Get bent!" shouted an angry Ed. Isaac just staggered and laughed his way into an alley where he met someone else.

"King Bradley…"

"Hello Mr. McDougal. What, have you run out of any ice jokes? Oh well." Those were the last words Fuhrer King Bradley said to Isaac before pulling out a sword and slashing Isaac's shoulders violently all at the speed of light.

"Ow…" Isaac stated, falling to his stomach and bleeding profusely. At death he dropped a Philosopher's Stone, which promptly disintegrated.

"And that takes care of that minor pest." Bradley summarized.

...

Kimblee suddenly woke up in his cell.

"Huh… I sense a disturbance… Oh well, it doesn't make any difference to me. Tomorrow's still Mashed Potato Day in the cafeteria. I'd better rest up. Heh, heh…"

...

Major Armstrong had successfully managed to destroy each of Isaac's transmutation circles, which seemed to have a calming effect on the golden-eyed pale old man who was surely to have nothing to do with anything.

...

"Oh it's you, Fuhrer Bradley!" realized a shocked Ed when he and Al finally went into the alleyway.

"At ease State Alchemist and… State Alchemist's agent."

"Actually Mr. Fuhrer I'm not his agent, I'm his-"

"What brings you here?" asked Ed.

"Eh I just wanted to help out and show off my mad Fuhrer skills. If nothing else, Selim will be excited to hear about this."

"Really sir, you tell your son stories about killing people?" asked Al.

"Oh yes, he is very patriotic. Trust me Elrics, my son is more mature than you now than when you were his size.

"If you say so, sir." Ed said, dismissing the oddity.

"Try saying that ten times fast, Brother."

"That ten times fast brother." Ed sarcastically replied.

"… You're no fun, Ed."

...

The next day, Roy is sitting in his office.

"Well Lieutenant, I guess we should start getting ready to head back to East City."

"Yes sir." Riza said.

"That… wasn't an order, I was just saying."

"Yes sir."

"…" Roy was a little annoyed. At that point, Hughes barged in.

"Hey Roy, I heard you caught the Freezer!"

"No Hughes, that was the Fuhrer." Roy clarified.

"Oh. Well he's telling everyone it was you for some reason. Doesn't matter, you should probably take the credit for it. It's not every day that a superior officer opens a window like this! Plus it could help improve your standing with the higher-ups, huh? Yep sooner or later you'll be bumping elbows with all the big wigs of the military!"

Roy sighed.

...

Due to his injuries, Ed had to stay in a hospital. Luckily it was nothing severe. Al was talking to him.

"It's too bad we never found out if he had a Philosopher's Stone. I guess we're going to Liore after all."

"Yeah looks that way, Al." Suddenly there were knocks on the door. "Uh, come in?"

Major Armstrong entered with a bouquet of roses and his face was accompanied by many sparkles.

"Edward Elric, I heard that you had sustained injuries during the battle, but luckily Alphonse Elric had not. But as soon as I heard that your injuries required a trip to the hospital- IDASHEDRIGHTOVER!"

Ed and Al were a bit disturbed. Al whispered.

"If he came as soon as he heard, does that mean he already had the flowers with him?"

"Al, the less we know about him, the better."

"Do not fear Edward Elric, for I shall aid in your quick recovery!" Alex claimed, then immediately removed his shirt.

"AAAAAHHH! HOW IS THAT HELPING?" Ed asked.

"SEEING A PERFECT SPECIMEN OF A BODY LIKE THIS IS SURE TO INSPIRE YOUR OWN BODY TO RETURN TO HEALTH! SEE? YOU'RE LOOKING BETTER ALL READY!"

"Brother, I'm scared. I'll be in the lobby." Al said before running away.

"No Al don't leave me alone in here! No, Al! Noooooooo!"

...

In a dark room, an attractive lady was on the phone.

"What's that 'little brother'? Isaac's dead? Oh well. From the sounds of it, he already used all the power in his Philosopher's Stone anyway."

**Name - Lust**

**Specialty - (Rated M for Mature), stabbing**

**Note - Likes both**

A fat, bald man was nearby eating on what could only be described as 'meat'. He was chewing loudly. Too loudly.

"Gluttony, be quieter, I'm talking to our most recent addition."

**Name - Gluttony**

**Specialty - Eating**

**Note - You are what he eats**

"Sorry Lust… Say, why don't you call him by name?"

"In case someone's listening. Now go back to eating. Quietly, though."

"Okay!" Gluttony happily complied.

"As for you, don't worry. We'll be fine in Liore. Things are going to be interesting." Lust said before hanging up the phone with an evil smile.

...

USO

_Risembool. A quiet town. … It's about to get a whole lot louder. Next see Ed and Al's past._

See you next time, State Alchemist


	2. The First Day

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime it was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

**...**

**"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"**

…  
>AGAIN<br>Episode 2: Ed and Al Break the Rules

Ed and Al were riding a train to Liore. Al spoke first.

"So Brother, do you think the priest in that town can really do miracles?"

"Nope."

"… Just no?" Al asked.

"Yep."

"You sure have been quiet today, Brother."

"Well Al, that's because I'm having a flashback to the day we first became the way we are, thank you for asking." Ed explained.

"You mean the day we discovered we like broccoli?"

"Um… no, Al… You know, the whole… arm, leg, body thing?" Ed said.

"Oh yeah that. Why are you thinking about it, Brother?"

"I dunno."

"Tell me the story again, Brother."

"On a crowded train full of people who have no business hearing our personal problems and most painful memories? Sure I don't see why not. It all started ten years ago…" Ed began.

...

Ten years ago, the village of Resembool. There was a nice house with a tree swing out front. A woman's voice called out for two people.

"Ed? Al? It's time for lunch." The owner of the voice walked into a room in the house and found Ed and Al doing alchemy. "There you two are."

**Name - Trisha Elric**  
><strong>Specialty - Dealing with kids arguing<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Kept her maiden name<strong>

"Are you playing in your father's study again?"

"Yes ma'am…" the brothers responded. But then Ed quickly justified himself.

"But we weren't technically playing, we learned alchemy, see?" Ed explained before transmuting a section of the floor into a sculpture of a bird.

"I can do that too! I just… my chalk broke…" Al said to his mother, sadly.

"I'm so proud of you boys, you'll be just like your father when you grow up! Now come on it's time for lunch, we're having stew."

"Yes!" Al exclaimed. "After that, can I have some chalk?"

_And mom's approval was all we needed before we started getting into alchemy for real._

_Skip to the part where you drew on your plate and transmuted your mashed potatoes into a volcano, Brother!_

_I'd rather not remember that part… And I'd like even more to forget what happened later that summer…_

...

"PLAGUED!" shouted a random Resemboolian. "WE'RE ALL PLAGUED. THERE'S A PLAGUE THING GOING ON, PLAGUE! DID I MENTION, PLAGUE?"

"Shut up, Mike." retorted another.

_A plague passed through and killed our mom._

Ed and Al are sitting in front of their mom's grave, all alone.

"What do we do now, Brother?" Al asked, depressed.

"I don't know… I guess we move on and try to become stronger for this."

"No, I meant right now. What do we do?"

"Uhhh… Shoot I don't know! Mom always told us!" Ed realized. "We're screwed!"

"Ed don't say that, Mom's right here!"

"Well technically she's not…"

"ED!" Al screamed.

"Sorry…" apologized Ed, sincerely.

"Do we wait for Dad to come home?"

"SCREW THAT SON OF A-" Ed started to scream before Al interrupted.

"Brother!"

"Well it's just that… Well, he left us and then didn't even come for the funeral! Why should we care about him if he doesn't care about us?" Ed asked.

"Well there's-"

"Rhetorical question, Al. Anyway I have an idea, let's bring her back to life!"

"But Brother, isn't that against the rules? And won't we have to dig her up real quick or she'll suffocate in there? And what about her decomposing body? Not to mention the plague might still be in her and-"

"Al enough already! Alchemy isn't about thinking realistically, it's about drawing circles and then cool stuff happens!" Ed interrupted.

"I'm sorry I doubted you, Brother." Al responded.

"There you are." A little girl's voice called to the brothers.

**Name - Winry Rockbell**  
><strong>Specialty - Automail<strong>  
><strong>Notes - At home not allowed to hold a wrench when angry<strong>

"My grandma says you shouldn't cry for loved ones after they pass on, because it makes them sadder."

"AAAAH! BROTHER, WE'VE BEEN MAKING MOM SADDER, NOOOOO!" Al screamed before crying. Then he noticed, "OH NO I'M CRYING AGAIN, THAT MEANS MOM'S GETTING SADDER, AAAAAHHHH!"

"Oh good job Winry, you broke Al!" Ed said.

"Oops…"

...

That night at the Rockbell residence, the brothers have been taken in and are eating dinner.

**Name - Pinako Rockbell**  
><strong>Specialty - Automail, drinking<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Old friends with Ed and Al's father<strong>

**Name - Den**  
><strong>Specialty - Catching bugs<strong>  
><strong>Notes - None… she's a dog<strong>

"Ed, drink your milk." Pinako commands.

"No way, I hate milk, it tastes like vomit." Ed answered, prompting Pinako with a comeback.

"You're not leaving this table until you drink your milk, you little shrimp! That's why Al's getting taller than you!"

"He is not!"

"Actually Brother, if you'll notice-" Al began to explain.

"Shut up Al, this doesn't concern you!" Ed yelled. Their argument continued while Al, Winry, and Den nervously scuttled out of the room.

_Brother, didn't we ever go to school when we were kids?_

_Oh yeah now that you mention it, I think we had class that one time… Or something…_

...

A year or so later, Ed, Al, and Winry were walking home from school.

"Ed, Al, what were you doing reading those Al Chemistry books? Plus the teacher's been wondering why neither of you have ever come to class before today, and-"

"It's 'alchemy' Winry, something a girl wouldn't understand." Ed corrected while sticking his tongue out.

_Brother, girls can do alchemy._

_Yeah I figured that out soon… Ugh…_

_"Who am I, you ask? A HOUSEWIFE!"_

"That reminds me, grandma said she's making stew tonight."

"**** YEAH!" Al cheered.

"Al, language!" Ed said.

"Sorry, brother." Al bowed his head. "Um… yay, stew!"

...

Later that night, Ed and Al were in their old home.

"Boy oh boy, stew sure is amazing. It's got milk in it and all the other ingredients can get rid of the vomit taste!" Ed said.

"Well brother, that's why I keep telling you about this new thing they have called 'chocolate milk', where-" Al said before Ed cut him off.

"They can call it chocolate, strawberry, or even lemon meringue milk for all I care, they can't hide the fact that it's milk!"

"If you say so, Brother. Can we just hurry though? That empty suit of armor is giving me the creeps. It looks like a pointy, metal monster!" Al complained.

...

_So we eventually found an alchemy teacher and spent a while figuring out more advanced alchemy. But one day, we were finally ready._

Ed and Al were in their basement.

"Brother, do you ever wonder that it'd be kind of hard to explain this to everyone once Mom comes back?"

"Not now, Al. Now… Did you get all the ingredients while I wrote down the plans?"

"About that, Brother… When you said 'trace amounts of other elements', I didn't know which ones to get, so…"

"D*** it, Al!"

"Sorry, Brother."

Half an hour later, they were back in the basement.

"Okay now we can transmute our mom back from the dead. Get ready Al, it's gonna be Night of the Living Elric!"

"Yay!"

"Totally nothing bad can happen!"

"You bet, Brother!"

_… And something bad totally happened._

_You bet, Brother._

The transmutation circle turned into a giant eye that swallowed Ed and Al. Before he knew it, Ed was standing in a white open plane next to a giant, stone door and a white outline of himself.

"Who are you?"

"_I am Knowledge. I am The World. I am Truth. I am God. I am You. But sometimes my friends call me Luci._"

**Name - ?/The Truth**  
><strong>Specialty - (Incomprehensible)<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Appears to take resemblance of whomever is visiting<strong>

The Truth opened the door and had Ed drawn in. Suddenly all possible facts ever to learn about anything ever were poured into Ed's head.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! LITERA- Oh so that's how you solve that math problem- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly Ed appeared back in the plane.

"_Well that's all I can show you for the price you've paid._"

"What do you mean? … OH NO!" Ed had found that his leg was disappearing.

...

Ed was suddenly back in his basement.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! MY LEG! NO, MY LEG! AL! AL, ARE YOU OKAY? AL? ALPHONSE? AAAAAAAAAL! NO, NOT YOU TOO! YOU'RE GONE, NO! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE BACK ALPHONSE!" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs. Then he noticed a writhing, inky corpse in the middle of the circle. "ZOMBIIIIIIIE! Is that you, Mommy? Why are you a zombie?"

Ed crawled over to the scary suit of armor, knocked it over, and drew a design with his own blood on the inside of the suit. "Don't worry Al, I'm not letting you die!" That's all he said before beginning the soul implant.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Alphonse Elric (Age 10)<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Edward Elric (Age 11)<em>

Back in the present, Roy was in Hughes's office in Central Command.

"Hey Roy, remember that time you-slash-Fuhrer Bradley caught the Freezer?" Hughes said.

"Yep, like it was yesterday. Because it was. Yesterday." Roy said.

"Well I guess you're gonna head back to Eastern Command now, am I right?"

"Yep."

"Look at McDougal's file, there's something weird." Hughes said before handing the file to Roy. The colonel starts reading.

"He used… I think they misspelled 'alchemy'. He used alchemy from Xing?"

"I think they call it something different, but pretty much."

The two left Hughes's office and started walking through the hall.

"Hey Roy, why'd you make Ed a State Alchemist?"

"In a crowded hallway full of people who have no business hearing my past and a very awkward memory? Sure I don't see why not. It all started a few years ago… Wait, I'm not telling you."

"Okay."

Hughes saw Roy off as he left the building.

"(It all started four years ago…)" Roy thought to himself.

...

"Roy Mustang is in the hou-HOLY **** WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?"

Roy noticed the circle from the brothers' transmutation-resurrection covered in a puddle of dried blood. Riza walked in to report on something before seeing it too.

"Colonel, I couldn't find anyone in the… Um… What?"

...

Roy and Riza went to the Rockbell residence.

"Knock-knock." Roy beckoned.

"BARK!" barked Den. Pinako answered after that.

"Who is it?"

"Um…. Myself." Roy answered.

"… Sounds good to me."

Pinako opened the door and glared.

"Eww, military, get out! Your kind dragged my son and his wife to their deaths!"

"Whatever, don't you have a game of Bingo to get back to? Now tell me, where are the Elric Brothers?"

"Over there."

"Hmm? Oh." Roy noticed the miserable, dead-on-the-inside boy missing an arm and a leg in the wheelchair next to the slouching suit of armor. "How did I miss that?" Roy walked over to Ed and picked him up by the collar. "Okay just what in the name of Lito did you do in that house, young man?"

Ed started sniffling.

"Oh… no don't cry, I didn't mean it like that, no. Uh, can you, uhhh…" Roy looked to Al for help, but he started whimpering too. "Uh no…"

...

_Finally we got past that awkward introduction._

Roy, Ed, Al, and Pinako are sitting at a table.

"Well thanks for the lunch, Mrs. Rockbell." Roy complimented.

"I didn't make you anything… Did you steal my plate?"

"Oh… it was yours? …. Well… I'm just constantly setting off landmines today, huh?" Roy joked. Pinako was not amused while Ed and Al were still upset and quiet. "Er… Well anyway due to his skills, I'm willing to let him become a State Alchemist."

"You come into my home, insult me, make two miserable little boys cry, eat my lunch, and then try to recruit for your monstrous military. Why should he agree to it?" Pinako asked.

"Well he'll have access to better research materials and a shot at getting his limbs and his brother's body back."

"After they came here and we treated Ed, I saw for myself what happened. That no good alchemy-born monster. Fortunately I took care of it. It's now buried out back."

"… Wait you did what? You seriously took on that zombie single-handedly?" Roy asked. He looked to the Elric brothers and they quietly nodded their heads while still not looking at Roy.

"Just how weak to you think I am, young man?" Pinako barked.

"Err… Sorry…"

_That reminds me, what was the Lieutenant doing that day? … Oh yeah I think I remember…_

...

Riza was sitting on a couch nearby, when Winry walked up to her.

"Tea?" the young girl offered.

"Why thank you. My name's Riza."

"Have you ever shot anyone?"

"I won't lie to you, I have. I'm quite good at it, actually."

"I hate you soldiers, they're how my parent died. Now you want to turn Ed and Al into soldiers?"

"Well Al's too young, but either way, that's not the idea. It's up to Ed if he wants to join or not."

"(… She has long hair… I should try that sometime.)" Riza thought to herself.

"(… She has shiny things in her ears… I want shiny things in my ears!)" Winry contemplated. "Why'd you join the military?"

"I had to keep someone safe… I still have to."

_Enough with the girly chitchat, back to me._

...

"So yeah, it's up to Ed if he wants to join or not." Roy concluded. He looked and noticed Pinako is still annoyed, Ed is still lost in depression, but Al has now started looking at him, though kind of in a scared way. "Well… You don't have to decide right now, just take some time to think about it. You don't have to join. You could find a way to turn back to normal, but you don't have to. But you could. Just saying."

"I think it's time you leave." Pinako said.

"Well the pretty lady knows best."

"Oh you…" Pinako said, mad but kind of blushing now. Roy got up to leave and Riza went with him.

...

"So do you think they'll do it?" Riza asked. "I mean… the one in the wheelchair, Ed, he looked like he was dead inside."

"Nah I can tell. He's one of those 'I'm too stubborn to be defeated' types. He'll do it. It might take him a while, but he'll do it."

...

In the present, Ed and Al were still on the train to Liore.

"And that's the story of how we became metal freaks of nature." Ed concluded. Al and everyone on the train applauded. Some were even crying.

"Bravo. Bravo good sir, masterful storytelling." said a snooty man.

"Two automail thumbs up!" complimented a short, fat man. A nerdy guy with glasses followed with another compliment.

"Changed my life."

"Ooh Brother, next tell us how you became a State Alchemist!" Al said, excitedly.

"All right one more story, but that's all for tonight." Ed submitted.

"Yaaaay!" Everyone else cheered.

"A long, long time ago I decided to get a pimpin' metal hand and leg."

"Ooh I love this part." said a random passenger.

...

"Are you sure, Ed?" Pinako asked in a hospital-type room.

"Sure. What's the point of getting those boring normal prosthetics when I can have these babies instead?"

"If you say so. Okay Winry, go get the metal arm and leg."

"Yes ma'am."

"So… Do I just watch?" Al asked.

"If you want… I think there's an extra bowl of stew in the fridge." Pinako said.

"But… I can't eat anymore." Al said. That's when it hit him that he couldn't have stew anymore. He began sulking in the corner.

_And that surgery was even more painful than my missing limbs. After a year passed, I was ready to go._

...

Ed lost to Al in a sparring match.

"Well I'd say that about puts me back to 'revving at full throttle'. Now to become a State Alchemist!" Ed announced. "But first…" He decided to check on his own alchemy skills. He transmuted a part of his arm into a sword. "Awesome!"

"Whoa, you can do alchemy without a circle, Brother! All you did was the clapping your hands part! Just like Teacher!" Al said, bewildered.

"Yeah I figured it out after going through the Gate of Truth. Didn't you?"

"No."

Winry promptly came out from nowhere and threw a wrench to Ed's head.

"Drat, I missed!"

"Winry, what the h***?" Ed asked.

"Don't you do that to my automail! I worked hard on it!"

"Relax, I can change it back to normal."

_And then I went to Central. But not before Winry picked up her wrench and threw it again as I was leaving… Ouch._

...

King Bradley and two of his subordinates were in the hall.

"You really want to see this, sir?"

"Yes I do. It's not everyday a preteen comes to take the test." Bradley explained. They all went into the room. "Name."

"Edward El-" Ed explained before being interrupted.

"Yeah whatever I don't care, just dance for the man and do your little magic." Bradley said. "Now do you need any chalk? We have Radical Red, Fabulous Pink, and Boring White."

"That won't be necessary, Fuhr-"

"Whatever just do it then. I have a game of Bingo to get back to."

"Um… Okay." Ed responded. He clapped his hands and created a spear from the ground as Bradley, his men, and even some other people like Roy watched. In a flash, Bradley cut it with his sword.

"Okay welcome aboard."

"Wait, just like that?" questioned Ed.

"Totally."

"Awesome!"

_..._

_Before long, I was in Eastern Command with that royal jerk, Roy Mustang._

"You are now officially a State Alchemist. You get a silver pocket watch, a nifty codename, and a discount at any Starbucks in Amestris." Roy announced.

"What's my codename?"

"Edward Elric, you are… The Fullmetal Alchemist." Roy announced. Ed looked at the paper.

"… They spelled it wrong. 'Fullmetal' should be two words."

"Well they can't change it now." Roy said.

"Nuts."

...

"… The end." Ed finished.

"Ooh, what happened next, Brother?"

"Well then we met this tool named Majihal or something… then we fought a guy named Bald… then I had a birthday… Stuff like that. I think. Then we beat up Isaac McDougal and got on a train."

"Speaking of that, we're finally at Liore, Brother!"

"About d*** time…" Ed muttered. "Philosopher's Stone, here we come!"

"You bet, Brother!"

...

USO

...

_Next time, Ed and Al finally make it to Liore and get on the bad side of a bunch of Lito lovers._

(Al's response to the stew - dropping the f-bomb - is a reference to an outtake his English voice actress did during the run of Brotherhood.)

See you next time, State Alchemist


	3. City of Heresy

(A/N: Every mention of a certain character "touching" people is strictly in the literal sense. All dirty connotations exist solely in your mind and Ed's mind. Also, imagine Cornello with a redneck accent. He's a priest, it'll be funny.)

"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"

…  
>AGAIN<br>Episode 3: Ed and Al Challenge the Sun

Ed and Al crossed the desert to get to the town of Liore, as they've been wanting to do for days. After some shenanigans in the desert with Al sinking in and accidentally pouring sand all over Ed, the two made it to town and met a waiter-type guy.

**Name - ?**  
><strong>Specialty - Running the diner<strong>  
><strong>Note - Isn't noteworthy<strong>

A voice blared on the radio, praying.

"Oh Lord, please save those villagers whom would pray to You for salvation, man. And stuff. Amen."

"So you are you guys traveling actors? Because I have a voice tailor made for opera. Wanna hear?" the waiter asked.

"NO." Ed replied. "Besides, you seriously think we're with an opera?"

"I call them as I see them."

"Brother, I don't know how to sing." Al said.

"Al, we're not actually performers, this guy's just a nut bag. … That sounded dirtier than it was supposed to. Hehheh."

"Ooh, a kitty!" Al noticed, sitting up and ignoring Ed. But by sitting up, he knocked over the radio hanging onto the roof, causing it to fall to the ground.

"HEY! What was that for?" the waiter asked.

"Well in Al's defense, why would you put a radio in such a place like that? Don't you ever account for tall people?" Ed asked.

"Brother I can defend myse- Oh no, the kitty ran away…" Al said. "I can fix this radio though!"

Al pulled some chalk from nowhere and drew a circle on the ground. He put the radio bits in the circle and transmuted the pieces back together.

"Ta-da!" Al exclaimed.

"Schweet, it looks like Lito touched you too!" the waiter said.

"… Wait, what?" Al asked, confused by the wording.

"You know, the sun god Lito?"

"Never heard of him." Ed said. "Heard about a wolf kind of like that, but we didn't really buy into that either." By this point, many random citizens have gathered.

"Well obviously Lito touched you or else you wouldn't have-" a villager started, but was interrupted by Ed.

"Okay can we stop phrasing it that way? Please? It just sounds wrong. Besides, we're alchemists. I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist!"

"Oh so it's not the tall, metal alchemist? It's the short one?" another villager asked. Three, two, one.

"I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOOOOOOOOOU!" Ed shouted, for the villager's audacity to call him short.

"… then Lito invented the waterfall. And it was good. And then Lito invented rocks. And it was good. And then Lito invented lightning. And it was-" the voice on the radio continued.

"So tell me more about this Frito guy." Ed requested.

"Lito." a villager corrected.

"That's what I said. Cheeto."

"Never mind…"

"Our leader, Father Cornello, talks about Him all the time." another villager explained to the brothers. "He's the awesome god of the sun. We were all lost and wallowing in our own waste until Cornello came and told us about Lito. We bought it and now we've been happy ever since."

"Oh yeah totally, and Lito touched Cornello, making it so he can do miracles like raising the dead!" someone else gushed.

"Again with the touching people. Your god is very touchy-feely." Ed complained.

"Brother, it's not nice to belittle other peoples' lords and saviors." Al scolded.

"Whatever. Let's go see this for ourselves."

…

Ed and Al were at the church to see the miracles, but they wouldn't start for another hour. After playing the I Spy game for about an hour, the miracle show finally happened. For Cornello's first performance, he took a flower and transmuted it into a metal flower statue. The audience, save for the Elrics, were impressed.

**Name - Father Cornello**  
><strong>Specialty - Sermons, alchemy<strong>  
><strong>Note - Enjoys golf, man<strong>

"Oh yeah that's totally alchemy." Ed said, entirely unimpressed.

"He's not conserving mass at all! And he's changing organic matter into inorganic matter! What kind of alchemy is this?" Al asked.

"Well it could have to do with that red jewel on his ring."

"I guess so."

…

It was later that same day. A lady was praying to Lito about raising her boyfriend from the dead.

**Name - Rose Thomas**  
><strong>Specialty - Soup<strong>  
><strong>Note - Only normal human with an odd hair color<strong>

Suddenly Ed and Al were inside too.

"So this is the First Church of Dorito, huh?" Ed asked.

"Lito." the lady corrected. "Who are you?"

"I'm Alphonse. He's Broth- I mean, Edward." Al said.

"Are you going to join the religion of Litoism?"

"Nah I don't worship your Sun Chip god or whatever. Could you tell us where Father Corn-Chip is?" Ed asked. "Because I totally believe he can't raise the dead."

"Of course he can, ever since Lito touched him, Father Cornello can do anything! He can even cure cancer with his tears! Except Father Cornello's never cried." Rose said.

"I'm gonna rattle off which components make up the human body and therefore undermine the power of Father Corn-Chip, your god Little, and the concept of gods creating people in the first place. Ahem. Wa-" Ed started.

"What Brother means to say is, he can't believe that someone can just pray for something that humans can't do themselves."

"Wait… What I mean to say? That I can't believe it? Al, are you telling me I'm alone in thinking this?"

"No, no… It's just that-" Al was cut off.

"Enough. Either accept Lito as thy lord and savior or get out!" Rose demanded.

"Thy? What is this, an ancient poem all of a sudden?" Ed questioned. "Besides I'm a scientist. I say we're the gods!"

"You would put yourself with Lito? Blasphemy!" Rose cried.

"Well look at the facts, humans can create anything with alchemy. And if Lito loves you so much, how'd He let bad things, like your boyfriend dying, happen to you in the first place? Keep going like this and you could end up mute with a rape baby. I saw it in an anime once. The main character reminded me of me, good show, you should watch it."

"Lito can-"

"Hey will you tell me where Father Cornholio is or what?"

"After you barge into the church and spit on my beliefs? … Sure he's upstairs, down the hall, and to the left." Rose explained.

"Thanks!" both brothers responded sincerely.

…

The two brothers went to find Cornello, but only found one of his underlings. He went to ask Cornello if the he was willing to see the brothers.

"No way!" was Cornello's response. "I hate them military types, man! … On second thought, let them into the basement… Heh-heh…" The other one obeyed Cornello's orders.

…

Just like that, Ed, Al, and Rose found themselves in the basement of the church, with Cornello's men aiming guns at them.

"Okay I might have pocketed a little from the communion dish, I'm sorry, I'll give it back, I promise!" Ed cried.

"Brother!"

"Well Al, do you want me to get you that toy truck or not?"

"Ugh, whatever… So, shall we do our thing?" Al asked.

"Yes, let's." Ed and Al wipe the floor with the gunmen with no trouble at all.

"Phew, for a second there I almost thought they were a threat. Almost."

"Is that why you were nearly crying when they were gonna shoot, Brother?"

"Shut up!"

"But… why would they do such a murderous thing?" Rose asked.

"What, you can't see it? Creepy guy comes from nowhere, starts a religion, gains everyone's trust, and now he's trying to kill people he doesn't like. He's playing you all like a cheap instrument!" Ed explained.

"Or am I?" Coronello dramatically asked, coming from nowhere and onto a balcony.

"So we meet at last!" Al said. Cornello replied to this.

"Indeed we do, Fullmetal Alchemist. Indeed we do."

"NO WAY, HE'S NOT THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, I AM!"

"Oh. Whoops. Sorry, man. Didn't think you'd be so short."

"I WILL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND FOR THAT! Err… Anyway, your miracles are baloney, they're just alchemy!"

"Oh yeah? Can alchemy do this?" Cornello challenged. He then pulled out an average leaf and turned it into a light bulb.

"Well it can if you have a Philosopher's Stone…" Al stated.

"Nope, it's all Lito, man! He's groovy, you should worship him." Cornello nervously stated.

"Gimme that stone you fat, bald loser!"

"After such compliments I guess I have no choice." Cornello responded, sarcastically. "Hey Rose, shoot them with that gun on the ground."

"Uhh… What?" she asked.

"You know, shoot. Pull the little thingy attached to the handle? Bullet will come out, enter his head, kill him? It's a fairly simple concept, man."

"But I-"

"JUST DO IT ALREADY, MAN, FOR LITO'S SAKE! DO YOU WORSHIP HIM OR NOT? YOUR POSITION ON WORSHIPPING LITO IS DETERMINED ENTIRELY BY WHETHER OR NOT YOU OBEY ME! I AM HIS EMISSARY, I ALONE! DO WHAT I SAY BECAUSE LITO TOLD ME TO TELL YOU!"

"This is getting stressful…" Al noticed.

"Do it! Remember how I told you Lito can revive your dead fiancee? That was me, man! And Lito! Lito and I are real tight, man! So just do it! Kill them! Your loving god Lito is asking you to murder someone in cold blood in His name! What's so hard to grasp, man?"

"Will you just shut up?" Ed asked.

Rose shot Al, knocking his helmet off.

"WHOA!" Ed exclaimed. "… I didn't think you had it in you!"

"You're… not even worried about your fan boy, man?" Cornello asked.

"Well first off, he's my brother, not a fan boy. Second, he'll be fine. He's been through worse."

"Well either way, one more sacrifice for Lito. Today was a good day. C'mon Rose, you can have anything you want from the Lito gift shop as gratitude."

But the girl was too freaked out over "killing" Al to care. Seriously there's no way Al's dead. In fact, the next minute Al sat up again, headless.

"Merchandise of your god? Really? It's not like He's your mascot or something." Al said.

"He lives?" Cornello questioned, flabbergasted.

"Yeah there's no body in here, see?"

"Al you can't just reveal that willy-nilly!"

"Sorry Brother…"

"See Rose? That guy's a freaking metal monster, man! Lito wants him dead! If I said it, clearly Lito's thinking it! ATTACK, MY PET!"

A lion-bird-lizard monster appeared before Ed and Al upon being summoned. It was a chimera.

"Cat!" Al happily squealed. Ed had to remind him though, that this was an enemy cat.

"Al, I really don't think you want to pet that one. Just saying."

The chimera suddenly bit Ed's right arm. No harm done, though.

"Like the feel of steel?" Ed asked.

"Hey what gives?" Cornello asked. "I demand to see that your arm is ripped off by Fluffy!"

Fluffy, however, broke his teeth on Ed's arm and ran away whimpering, tail between his legs. Ed removed his jacket to reveal the answer to Cornello's problem.

"Automail arm. ***ch." was all Ed had to say. Except for, "Also I can transmute without a circle." Ed then demonstrated this by making a round ball from the ground.

"Inconceivable! Could this mean that-" Cornello started to say, before Ed interrupted him by throwing the ball at him. "Ow… That was unnecessary, man."

"Said the man trying to kill us." Al replied.

"I get it now! You two tried to raise the dead!" Cornello realized.

"Yeah, yeah we heard it before." Ed responded.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Cornello<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Rose<em>

"See Rose? That's exactly why humans, other than I who hath been touched by Lito, can never measure up to Lito, man!" Cornello tried to convince Rose.

"No it's why humans should watch themselves or they'll end up like us. Take the hint, Corn Flakes." Ed warned. Cornello's reply was to pull out his pimp cane and transmute it into a machinegun.

"Father's packing! CORNELLO MAGNUM!" Conrello called out before shooting at the three other people indiscriminately.

"Brother, time to go!"

"Right."

Al put his head back on, and started carrying the still freaked out Rose away. Ed met him at the wall they were running to, transmuted a door, and made their escape. Cornello pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"STOP THEM! THEY SEEK TO OVERTHROW ME- I MEAN LITO! THEY'RE AFTER LITO, MAN!" At this order, Cornello's henchmen tried to stop the Elric brothers' escape, but they were owned completely.

"Nya-nya!" Ed and Al both taunted.

…

Al and Rose were on a balcony somewhere. Al was messing with a bell and some chalk.

"Cornello just tried to kill you along with us."

"Well it's because…. because…" Rose weakly tried to justify, but couldn't find any reasoning beyond the now not so crazy theory that Cornello is evil.

"It's not like we run around, throwing babies in the air and setting kitties on fire. We were just trying to see our mom again. We're not freaks of nature who'd fuse their family with an animal using alchemy, no one's that heartless. But Cornello's lies have you convinced-"

"But-"

"Shh, I'm lecturing you. The point is, alchemy can't change life or death. When you're dead, you're dead. That's a lesson for all of the people who are still alive."

…

Cornello walked into his office to find Ed sitting on his desk.

"Hey that's Bessie's seat on top of my desk! What do you think you're doing, man?"

"I told Bessie there were some atheists in the alleyway so she flipped and went to scold them. But they don't exist. Now… Tell me what I want to know about the Philosopher's Stone and you'll never have to worry about my brother and I ever again."

"Dang it! … Fine, what is it?"

"Why use your amplified alchemy to do fake miracles?"

"So I can get blind followers, build an army out of the faith in Lito, and rule the world. These nut bags-"

Ed snickered at the insult. Cornello didn't notice.

"-they'll do anything I say, they're mindless! They say 'Cornello why should I do that', and I say, 'Lito commands it, man' and they proceed without thought. They're a bunch of idiots and I have them wrapped around my finger like this Philosopher's Stone with which I perform fake miracles!"

"Busted." Ed said, pointing at Cornello.

"Eh?"

Ed then revealed a microphone that's been turned on.

"… Noooo…" Cornello was apprehensive.

"_Yes._" Ed countered, with an evil smile of glee.

…

Everyone in town heard Cornello's confession of being an evil mastermind due to Al transmuting the bell into a giant megaphone. They were clearly not amused by this discovery. The father's voice could still be heard on radio.

"LITO ***N IT! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!"

"Hey he can't take Lito's name in vain on the radio." said one villager who was completely missing the point.

…

"YOU'RE DEAD! Cornello Magnu- WHAAAA?" Cornello was thrown for a loop when Ed transmuted his own arm into a sword in order to chop Cornello's gun. "No fair, man!"

"If you finish your sentence with the word 'man' one more time…"

"SCREW YOU, MAN!" Cornello screamed before using the stone to try to fix his gun. But something went wrong. Now his gun and his right arm were fused together. "Uhhh, what?" He flicked his wrist and a bullet came out. "Ooh!" He was impressed. Then he got an idea. With the power of the Philosopher's Stone, Cornello grew to four times his size, complete with eyes of crimson.

"Okay you might be a threat now." Ed reacted, legitimately nervous.

"_SUPER CORNELLOOOOOOO!_" The giant gun-armed priest announced.

…

Ed was running all the way back to the chapel, but Cornello caught up to him.

"_SUPER CORNELLO PUNCH!_" Cornello called his attack. The eponymous punch was avoided by Ed though.

"Missed me!"

"_SUPER CORNELLO KILL ALCHEMIST! ALCHEMIST BAD! LITO GOOD!_"

"So… Lito touched you, huh? Well let's get Him to touch you _AGAIN_!" Ed quickly used his alchemy to cause the statue of Lito to punch Cornello in the face, knocking him down and reverting him back to normal height with normal eyes. But the arm remained gun-like. Ed walked up to Cornello, kicked him, and head butted him.

"Ow, man!"

"Give me the- Aw crap." Ed noticed the Philosopher's Stone fading away. Both of them stayed there in silence for a few minutes.

"Sooo… Can I go now?"

"Huh? Oh whatever, I don't care about you anymore." Ed answered. Cornello took this opportunity to run away like a sniveling baby.

…

Ed and Al met outside.

"How did it go? It sounded like a fight." Al asked.

"Eh, he was easy."

"So… you got his stone then?"

"Yeeeah, not gonna happen, Al. Turns out it was a fake. Or something. Either way, it disintegrated before I could get my hands on it."

"That's no good…" Al moaned.

"Stop in the name of Lito!" Rose shouted from nowhere. Ed and Al looked and noticed she was aiming the old gun at them.

"Oh great, we get to do this some more?" Ed complained. "Look, it was all a fake, get over it!"

"Lies! You just want the Philosopher's Stone for yourself! You just want your bodies and mother back! You're so selfish!" accused Rose. This made Ed mad. Like many things did.

"Shut up, you idiot! Did you forget everything that happened when we all met Cornello? Once you're dead, you stay dead!" Ed said. At this point Rose couldn't take it anymore and just broke down.

"B-b-b-but Cornello said that if I prayed-"

"Well… people do lie sometimes…" Al tried to justify, but it did nothing.

"WHAT DO I DO NOW?"

"I dunno… serve soup or something? I heard people say you're good at that. Move on, stop living in the past!" Ed said. "Goodbye." Ed and Al walked down the stairs, with intent to leave Liore. Al sighed.

"Ed Elric and Al Elric, making friends wherever they go…" Al cynically and sarcastically commented.

"It's a cruel world, Al. Crap happens."

…

That night, there was an angry mob of people outside the church. They came for Cornello's blood. But they never got any. In the depths of the church, Cornello was upset.

"Curse that alchemist! I almost had him too, man!"

"I like you when you're angry… It's hot." a voice said.

"Huh?" Cornello was confused. He looked and noticed a tall and rather… endowed lady in a black dress. Next to her was a fat, bald man (no it's not Cornello's twin brother) eating the remains of the last of Cornello's men. "Oh it's you two."

"They say bald is beautiful… But I can't just ignore your complete and utter failure. Isn't that right, Gluttony?"

"Mmm, man…"

"Gluttony, focus."

"Sorry Lust…"

"What do you want, man? This is a church, you're lucky I even allow sins like you in he- Is that fat guy eating Smitty?"

"… Maybe…" Gluttony shiftily replied, feeling suspected.

"This isn't about Gluttony or Smitty, Cornello. It's about you and your failure."

"I don't like where this is going…"

"Oh I assure you, you won't like it." Lust replied. That's the last thing anyone said before she extended her fingers long enough to completely gore Cornello from a distance.

"Can I eat him now?"

"Sure, I don't see why not."

…

USO

_Next time, Ed and Al visit the Tucker residence. If you're familiar with FMA, enough said…_

See you next time, State Alchemist

(A/N: If it means anything, I'm a Christian, I do believe in my God, and I think everyone's entitled to their own view of the world. I mean no offense to anyone. I was just having fun with this episode, exaggerating it like the other episodes. I mean no harm. No religion talk in any reviews, this was all played for comedy and nothing more.)


	4. An Alchemist's Anguish

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters doe not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"**

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

Episode 4: Flippin' Sweet Chimeras

_Ed and Al finally made it to Liore, the town which was under the control of an airhead named Cornello, who claimed that a sun god named Lito touched him. Though in reality it's spelled with an "E" instead of an "I", an important fact Cornello forgot. Ed beat him up, but the Philosopher's Stone ended up being a fake. In the end, Ed told a disheartened Rose to move on with her life and stop dwelling on her dead boyfriend. Al didn't really do much at all._

The streets of Central. A military man was walking alone until a voice called out to him.

"Are you Basque Grand, the Iron Blood Alchemist?"

**Name - Brigadier General Basque Grand**  
><strong>Specialty - Cannons<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Currently drunk<strong>

"So what if I think you're am?" was his drunken reply.

"Then I must defeat you, for you've upset my god. And before you ask, it's not Leto. … Did you know those rednecks in Liore spell his name with an I? Fun fact before I kill you."

**Name - Unknown Scarred Man**  
><strong>Specialty - Decomposition, scripture<strong>  
><strong>Notes - That's not really his right arm<strong>

The scarred man ran up to Grand and put his hand on his face.

"Hey no second base, I'm not as think as you drunk I am…"

"I'll give you a moment to pray to God."

"Unless you've got money." Grand said, still drunk.

"Moment's over." That was the last thing Grand heard before his own screaming. At which point, important particles in his face were deconstructed, which killed him. "That's one more State Alchemist put down. My reve- er, mission is well on its way to success."

...

The murder didn't go unnoticed. Hours later, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes and his men, including Major Armstrong, were at the scene of the crime.

"Sheesh this guy's not playing around." Hues commented. Then Fuhrer Bradley showed up.

"Hey everybody what's going on?"

"Your Excellency-" Armstrong was cut off.

"Yes I am pretty excellent, aren't I? But now's no time for flattery."

"Um… yes sir. Someone just killed Basque Grand." Armstrong reported.

"Yeah that's a shame, we can't be losing alchemists." Bradley stated. "Therefore I'll loan you some of my henchmen if you ever feel the need for backup. We must stop this man at all costs. I won't rest until I see the life leave his eyes and the streets run red with his blood." Everyone gulped at the sound of Bradley's ruthlessness.

"Henchmen? That implies evil, sir." Hues said.

"Does it? Um… Well you see… Here's a Cen, don't spend it all in one place." Bradley flipped Hues a coin before walking off, whistling 'Ready Steady Go'.

...

The next morning, in East City, Riza Hawkeye and all of Roy Mustang's other subordinates were doing paperwork.

**Name - Lieutenant Heymans Breda**  
><strong>Specialty - Strategy<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Fears dogs<strong>

**Name - Officer Vato Falman**  
><strong>Specialty - Getting information<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Doesn't like snow, reads the dictionary for fun<strong>

**Name - Master Sergeant Kain Fuery**  
><strong>Specialty - Communications<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Picks up random animals off the street<strong>

**Name - Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc**  
><strong>Specialty - Smoking<strong>  
><strong>Notes - As many past girlfriends as there are stars at night<strong>

"Dang, Mustang sure is letting us pick up his slack." Breda commented. "Hey Havoc I'm lazy, will you help me?"

"Uh NO." was Havoc's reply. "Say who's this guy on the wanted list?"

"Lieutenant Yoki. I… don't know if he has a last name or not. He was using Youswell's mines to make money for himself. We put him on the wanted list after Ed Elric busted him, but no one really cares about the guy. He's completely harmless." exposited Falman before adding, "Well not entirely true. He had this one lady with an alchemic necklace, but she disappeared."

"Completely harmless, huh? Kind of like you?" Havoc asked to Falman.

"Shut up."

"Master Sergeant Fuery, what's your situation with the radio?" Hawkeye asked.

"The reception is awful on this old thing. But I can still tell the Nicks are losing horribly." Fuery reported. Ed appeared from nowhere and transmuted the radio into tip-top shape.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" announced the voice on the radio before a bunch of vuvuzelas were played.

"Fuery, I thought you said you were listening to the Nicks game." Breda asked.

"Yeah they're the Cretan soccer team, right?" Fuery asked. Breda, Falman, and Havoc all gave him weird looks.

"Welcome back, Elric brothers. The Colonel's expecting you." Hawkeye said.

"Aw crap I hate that guy." Ed said. "I'm not sure why, but I do." However Ed and Al went anyway.

"So how was Liore?" Mustang asked.

"Hot. Boring. Stupid. Overzealous about its religion."

"The Starbucks was nice though. Very clean." Al added.

"Hey Colonel, what do you know about Bio-Alchemy?"

"Me? The Flame Alchemist? Well obviously my title implies that it's something I'm known for. Bio-Alchemy." Mustang teased.

"All right, all right! We can do without the sarcasm!" Ed demanded.

"I don't know much, but this guy here in East City is known for making chimeras. The Sewing Life Alchemist. He's a pretty cool guy. Makes chimeras. Doesn't afraid of anything." Mustang said.

...

Mustang, Ed, and Al were in the car on the way to the Sewing Life Alchemist's house.

"So once upon a time in a land very close by- we're in it- there was a man named Shou Tucker. He became the Sewing Life Alchemist and made a bunch of chimeras. But they sucked. Eventually he made one that could talk, but it was very depressed and wanted to die. So it eventually did. The end." Mustang narrated.

"Um… good story, Colonel… Yeah, appreciate that… Yeah…" Ed said awkwardly.

...

They eventually arrived at Shou Tucker's house and Mustang pulled the doorbell string thing. And he wouldn't stop ringing it.

"Brother didn't we live here once with this guy when you were studying for an exam for a few months?"

"I don't recall."

"You were studying hard and one day we all played in the snow, and Mrs. Hughes was having a baby even though we apparently only met her on the night we caught the Freezing Alchemist."

"Nope. No memories of that at all. I think you are imagining things, Alphonse."

"Then where were we on your most recent birthday?"

"I dunno."

"I'll be there in a minute, gosh!" a man's voice called from inside, responding to the doorbell that Mustang has been ringing for the entirety of Ed and Al's conversation. Suddenly Ed noticed something was wrong. He looked up to see a giant dog about to land on top of him.

"Oh crap."

The dog followed through on its playful greeting.

**Name - Alexander Tucker**  
><strong>Specialty - Tackling<strong>  
><strong>Notes - FREAKING HUGE DOG<strong>

"Ow…"

"DADDY, PEOPLE!" a little girl at the door shouted.

"Alexander come get some lunch, you fat lard." said the grown man who earlier replied to the doorbell.

**Name - Nina Tucker**  
><strong>Specialty - Unknown<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Awwww<strong>

**Name - Shou Tucker**  
><strong>Specialty - Fusing animals<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Likes money<strong>

"RARF!" Alexander barked.

"Get… off…" Ed wheezed.

"Brother? Are you okay?"

"Does it… look like I'm okay?"

"… So that's a yes then?" Al asked, missing the point.

...

Shou Tucker had taken the trio in and served them tea. The house was a pigsty.

"Yeah this house is pretty much a wreck since my wife left."

"No one cares. Can Ed look at your research?" Mustang asked.

"I can disregard his family matters and selfishly ask for things on my own, Colonel. I don't need your help."

"Hey I'm just trying to be helpful, you ingrate!" Mustang shouted.

"What? Why?" Tucker asked.

Ed then explained the incident with him, Al, and their mother.

"Oh. I guess you can look at my notes or something." Tucker stood up. He led Ed, Al, and Mustang to his labs full of weird chimeras. There was a Cerberus-Monkey, a Turtle-Ox, and CatDog.

"Hi-ho-diggety!" shouted Dog.

"If you'll look you can see I also transmuted an animal called a liger. It's a lion and a tiger mixed. It's pretty much my favorite chimera." Tucker said, giving the tour. "Watch out for the chicken chimeras, they have large talons."

"Cool!" Al said. Tucker then unlocked a door that lead to his library.

"So this is my library, I guess. It's pretty cool."

"Thank you for letting them study here. I'll pay you for your trouble." Mustang said.

"Yes!" Tucker whispered to himself, pumping his fist. Ed and Al started digging into the bookshelf, taking tons of books for reading. An hour later, Ed and Al were still reading, alone. Or so they thought. Ed went over to ask Al what a word in one of his books meant when…

"Uh, Al? I don't remember babysitting as part of the plan!" Ed said when he saw Al giving Nina a piggyback ride.

"Wheeeee!" Nina exclaimed.

"Huh? Sorry Brother. She just wanted to play."

"That's what you say about every cat we come across."

"But they _do_ like playing!" Al said. Ed sighed.

"Playing with animals, I don't see the appeal." While not seeing the appeal, Ed did in fact see Alexander about to tackle him. "Not again…"

"Brother? Are you still alive?" Al asked. Ed stuck his right arm out from under Alexander, giving the thumbs up. Nina walked over to Ed and showed her a drawing.

"I dwew my famiwy! It's on the back of a letter to Mommy!"

"Eh pretty good." Ed said, genuinely. Though he wasn't much better at drawing than the four year-old.

...

The Tuckers had allowed Ed and Al to eat dinner with them.

"How come Al isn't eating?" Nina asked. "Eat Al, eat."

"Uhhhhhhhh…." Al looked around, trying to find an excuse to justify himself. Nina was the only one who didn't know about his situation. She seemed insistent on Al eating. Finally he gave the best excuse he could think of. "No."

"Okay!" the little girl said, happy enough. Al sighed with relief.

...

It has become dusk. Breda came to the Tucker residence to retrieve Ed and Al.

"Hey Big Guy, I'm here to pick you up. Huh?" Breda noticed Al standing next to Alexander, who was on top of Ed.

"No… dog… no, no dogs… no… NOOOOOOOOOO!" Breda screamed before running away.

"I don't know why he's here, I alone was supposed to get you." Havoc said.

"Mr. Havoc. I forgot to mention, last week Xingese scientists placed explosives in one of their lakes to blow a dragon out of the water. Local alkahestrises in the Dragon Alliance did stuff to make a protective seal around the dragon , our aquatic ally, and local residents." Tucker said.

"Oh yeah now I remember. I didn't want to listen to Tucker's infamous current events monologues by myself." Havoc said.

"I can still hear you. _Idiot_! Anyway I guess you two can come back tomorrow and stuff."

"Yay!" Al and Nina said in unison.

...

Eventually Breda calmed down enough to drive Ed and Al back to their apartment. As they all left, Havoc turned back to Tucker.

"By the way Shou, the Promised Day is coming."

"What?" Tucker asked.

"Assessment Day. The day you _promised_ to show one of your recent breakthroughs so you can keep your certification as a State Alchemist. What did you think I meant?"

"Gosh…" Tucker seemed to only just now remember Assessment Day. Havoc and Breda left with the Elric brothers and Tucker closed the door.

"Daddy, what's Assessment Day?" Nina asked.

"I have to report on my research once a year to keep my certification. If I don't have anything good enough they kick me out. It's pretty much the worst concept ever made."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Nina &amp; Alexander<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Shou Tucker<em>  
>…<p>The next day, Ed and Al returned to the Tucker residence. Ed noticed Nina's drawing and letter were on a table, burnt and torn to pieces.<p>

"Well that was certainly rude of whomever did that."

...

In the library, Al was talking to Nina while Ed was doing all the reading.

"Mommy left Daddy tew yea's ago aftew they got in a fight about his awchemy and money. Then she left. I nevew got to see her again, but Daddy said she's with her mommy and daddy. But now Daddy's spent all day in his lab, but I have Alexander!"

"BARK!"

"(Suddenly I remember my dad studying all the time. Awkward…)" Ed stood up. "All right that's enough studying for now I guess. All work and no play made Jack a complete loser."

"Brother that's not how it goes."

...

Minutes later, Nina was riding Alexander as the dog playfully chased Ed around the yard. Al just watched.

"I always just watch…" the younger brother said, dejected. Nearby in his lab, Tucker was sitting and staring at his silver pocket watch.

"I can't flipping study with them playing so loudly." he complained. "Should I report on that time I went to North City with my uncle and transmuted wolverines? No… Not even if I used a 12-gauge on them. I mean… they were attacking my cousin, what the heck would these guys do in a situation like that?" Tucker sighed. "That Ed doesn't have to do this kind of thing… Luckyyy!"

...

"So any ideas on why this guy's killing State Alchemists?" Hues asked Major Amrstrong.

"I'm not sure. I'll need a moment to compose a grandiose list of all the possible explanations for this incorrigible travesty." Armstrong responded.

"… You hurt your what?" Hues didn't understand Armstrong's vast vocabulary. A lady then walked in.

**Name - Maria Ross**  
><strong>Specialty - Taking the blame<strong>  
><strong>Notes - No seriously, she's always being blamed<strong>

"Sir, it's been reported that a man with a large scar has been seen at the train station."

"So?" Hues asked.

"Sir, I believe she is referring to our elusive murderer." Armstrong suggested.

"Oh that. … Drat."

...

Tucker sat down to have a talk with Ed and Al.

"Before I became a State Alchemist, we had pretty much the worst life ever. My wife didn't do flipping anything all day. Then I became a State Alchemist and got money for this sweet house. But she's gone now. And if I fail the assessment I'm gonna be poor again. Then what'll there be to eat?"

"What happened with your wife anyway? Why did she leave you?" Ed asked.

"'Cause she didn't feel good, gosh!"

"Does she know that you've become successful?" Al asked.

"No, she doesn't know anything." Tucker answered.

"How about making something related to a talking chimera?" Al suggested.

"I was already thinking something like that. But I don't know what. … Hey Ed, Al, can you go to my room and get my chap stick?"

"Chap stick? Why?" Ed asked.

"'Cause my lips hurt real bad!"

"Fine…" Ed said. "Come on, Al."

Ed and Al left. Tucker turned to his daughter.

"Daddy what for supper?"

"We're having a delicious bass. Hey Nina I have an idea for a game we can play later once Ed and Al leave."

"Game? I like game!" she asked without a care in the world.

"It's a flipping awesome game, pretty much the best game ever. Alexander will play with us too."

"Yay!"

...

The next day, around mid-morning or so, Ed and Al arrived at the Tucker residence for more research. It was rather stormy though, like it could rain any second. To Ed's surprise, the front door was unlocked.

"Brother do you ever wake up and feel like you're in for a very, _very_ bad day?"

"Eh sometimes." Ed replied. "Hey! Mr. Tucker! Nina! We're here!" Ed looked around. "The dog hasn't tackled me yet…" Ed looked around.

"I'm in here." Tucker called from his lab. Ed and Al followed the voice and found him next to a brand new chimera. It was a canine thing with brown hair. "Hey I made pretty much the best chimera ever, it can talk. Now I can keep my certification." Tucker pumped his fist in celebration. "Yes."

"Well all right Mr. Tucker, good for you!" Ed congratulated. "You worked hard every day and you finally get pay dirt."

"I love a happy ending." said Al. "But where's Nina? Is she napping?" But Al didn't get an answer. Tucker just kept smiling at his new creation. "Um… Mr. Tucker? Hello?" No answer. Ed and Al kept standing there.

"Mr. Tucker, Al asked you a question."

"_… dAdDy…_" the chimera said. That's when it hit Ed like an anvil.

"Aww, the chimera thinks of you as its father." Al noted.

"Um… Al, I don't think that's the case… In fact, I think it's much, _much_ worse than that…"

"What do you mean, Brother?"

"Well for instance… Mr. Tucker, when'd you get certified?"

"Pretty much two years ago."

"Isn't that about the same time your wife left you?"

"Yeah."

"And the same time you made a talking chimera that wanted to die?"

"So? … Oh I guess you found out."

"… WHAAAAAAAT?" Al screamed. "You don't mean he-" Al was cut off when he saw Ed nodding his head.

"He did."

"EWWWWW!"

"YOU B*****D!" Ed tackled Tucker and pinned him to a wall.

"Get off me, bo-daggit!" Tucker cried.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Ed yelled.

"Why don't you eat a decroded piece of crap?" Tucker insulted.

"Now you're just making up words!" Al exclaimed.

"_IDIOTS!_ You have to experiment on humans or else you can't find out more about science!"

"Little kids and dogs! Two things even the most cruel people don't mess with!"

"Cats are a close third." Al said. Ed ignored this fact.

"And you transmuted them together into that THING! You think we'll let you get away with it?"

"Didn't you want to support Nina? How can you do that now?" Al asked.

"I knew that either way our lives would be crap, so I guess at this point… it was mostly to see if I even could do it again." Tucker explained. "We're the flipping same thing! We both messed with someone in our family for science!"

"What we did was a mistake! And we weren't doing it for a paycheck, you greedy pig!" Ed berated. "YOU'LL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!" Ed punched Tucker right in the face, knocking his glasses off.

"I did what I freaking felt like doing, GOSH!" Tucker said before getting another punch. "I'm warning you, I'm pretty good with a Bo staff." Punched again, and Ed just kept punching Tucker. Over, and over, and over again.

"Ed, if you keep that up he'll die."

"So what? No one will miss him!"

"_wHy HuRt DaDdY? pLeAsE… dOn'T hUrT dAdDy…_" Nina/Alexander plead. Ed stopped in his tracks. She was still sentient.

"I wish there was something we could to for her. But we can't…" Al moped.

"_aL… cAn Al PlAy WiTh Me NoW?_" the chimera asked. Al shook his head. Tucker pulled out his silver pocket watch.

"Yes! I can still be a state alchemist! Sweet!" Tucker pumped his fist.

"Yeah fat chance, you monster!" Ed yelled, as he kicked the watch away. Tucker went crawling after it like a baby going after a toy. "Pathetic…"

"_pLay? nOw?_" requested the chimera. Ed nearly broke down in tears then.

...

"Sir did you really need to take his nunchuks?" Hawkeye asked Mustang. They were in Eastern Command. By now the rain had come in full force.

"He never used them. Besides, they'd look great on my wall." Mustang leaned back in his chair. Then he looked out the window and noticed Ed and Al moping on the front stairs in the rain. He opened the window and spoke to them. "You know… State Alchemists can be a nasty bunch. I hope you don't mope like this every time, or you'll drive yourselves to suicide." But Mustang went unheard. Ed and Al were too busy being upset.

...

Tucker's house was under military surveillance. Tucker himself was alone in a room with his chimera.

"Idiots… they don't know anything!" Tucker complained. He pet his daughter/dog. Then, as the lightning flashed, the scarred man walked into the room. "Who the flip are you?" asked Tucker.

"Is the Sewing Life Alchemist here?"

"Yes." Tucker answered. A few moments passed.

"… May I see him?"

"You already are."

"You are the Sewing Life Alchemist?"

"Yeah, who the heck do you think I am? _Idiot!_"

"I'll give you a moment to pray to God before I punish you." The scarred man slowly walked over to Tucker, then put his right hand on the alchemist's face. "Punishment." Decomposition happened. Tucker dropped to the floor, dead.

"_… dAdDy? … SunGlAsSeS mAn HuRt DaDdY?_" the chimera asked.

"Oh no… you poor, poor creature. That's just harsh." The man looked at the chimera, somewhat sadly. Lightning flashed.

The man walked out of the Tucker residence.

"God, do what you will with these two souls. One for betraying you with their alchemy. One out of mercy. And her little dog too. … Oh and I guess the guards I killed on the way in… also please bless the Cretan Nicks in their upcoming soccer game. Amen."

Lightning flashed. What a gloomy day for the Tucker family to come to an end.

…  
>USO<br>…

_Next time, Ed and Al meet the mysterious killer._

(A/N: Fun fact, in the FMA comics, there's a small image at the end featuring every character who died in the volume going to heaven. Every character who died going to heaven, regardless of alignment. Except Shou Tucker. He's the absolute only FMA character shown getting divine punishment instead of paradise.)

See you next time, State Alchemist


	5. Rain of Sorrows

"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"

…  
>AGAIN<br>Episode 5: Rain of Angst

_For Ed and Al to learn about restoring their bodies, they stayed with Shou Tucker. But he ended being a creepoid who would fuse his child and family pet into one being. Then the brothers just moped in the rain._

…

A field in Risembool, a young Ed ran up to his mother in excitement.

"Mom, mom, look what I made!" Ed held up a stone shaped like a football.

"It's a stone, Ed. You didn't make it."

"It's a football, I transmuted it!"

"Well if you could do that…" Trisha said before morphing into the Gate Ritual Zombie. "Why didn't you transmute me back to life?"

"_pLaY nOw_?" Tucker's chimera asked Ed.

…

"NOOO!" Ed catapulted up from his nightmare. He was in bed, in a room somewhere in Eastern Command.

"Oh hey you woke up." Al said. "It's boring when you're asleep."

…

Ed knocked on the door to a room.

"Brother, are you sure that we should ask? We should just forget it and keep going forward."

"No." Ed said, knocking. Hawkeye opened the door.

"Yes?"

"Hey Lieutenant, what's gonna happen to the Tucker family?" Ed asked.

"Oh them? Uh… Well someone came in and killed them."

"WHAT?" exclaimed both brothers.

…

Hughes's team already made it to the scene of the murder, and Mustang went with them. The bodies of the Tucker family were under tarps.

"Curse you, Alchemist Killer! Curse yooooooou!" Hughes screamed to the heavens.

"If only we had the foresight to anticipate these murders and apprehend the rapscallion before it were too late!" Armstrong lamented. Everyone else gave him funny looks.

"What?" they all asked.

"Wait, there's someone running around, killing alchemists?" Mustang asked.

…

"Don't any of y'all worry about Lito and me, man! Everything will be all cool! … Oh that reminds me, apparently His name is spelled with an 'e'! Who knew?" Cornello preached to the people of Liore, apparently perfectly fine after being killed.

"You lie!" shouted a voice in the audience.

"That's not true." Cornello calmly responded. But half of the audience didn't buy that, and they began to start a riot. Everyone attacking everyone, believing Cornello and Lito/Leto or believing what Ed and Al have made clear. From a balcony, Lust was laughing at this while Gluttony was eating pudding.

"This is rich."

"Yes, this pudding is quite rich." Gluttony responded.

"Not the pudding. Those silly humans down there." Lust corrected. "They're complete fools. But I do like how nice and sweaty they look… their bodies glistening with sweat in the light of their angry mob fires…. I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?" Lust asked.

"Yeah they're completely stupid, man!" Cornello said, coming from nowhere.

"That's more than enough, Envy." Lust said. Cornello then transformed into another person. An androgynous individual (male) with long, stringy hair and arguably the worst fashion sense ever.

**Name - Envy**  
><strong>Specialty - Lying, transforming<strong>  
><strong>Note - You're better than him<strong>

"It's too bad that the handsome little alchemist messed everything up, but thanks to my quick thinking, we could get things back in our favor."

"Wait, it was my idea to impersonate the priest." Envy said. "… You're going to tell Father that it was your idea, aren't you? It was my idea!"

"Ew, who are these freaks?" asked one of Cornello's surviving henchmen.

"Envy… kill this attractive man for me."

"You won't tell anyone that Gluttony did it instead of me, right? I want the credit!" Envy said. But it was too late, Gluttony ate him. Lust spoke up.

"Well now I will."

"Leto **** you, Gluttony!" Envy shouted.

"Envy, no swearing in the church."

"But Luuuust! He got rid of the guy, now he's going to get the credit for it! You always take Gluttony's side!" Envy paused. "That reminds me, Shou Tucker died."

"So?" Lust and Gluttony asked in unison.

"You know, I bet if Sloth told you that, you'd be interested!"

"If Sloth could bring himself to put in the required effort it takes to speak to me, then maybe." Lust countered.

"If Sloth made an argument like that, you wouldn't correct him!"

"If Sloth could bring himself to put in the required effort it takes to argue. Or even care. Then maybe."

"I like Sloth, he's too lazy to care that I eat his food! All the others get mad!" Gluttony said.

"Well if you two love Sloth so much, why don't you just go and hang out with him?" Envy moaned.

"Well he does have firm muscles… I like that in a man…" Lust considered, getting lost in the thought of shirtless, muscular men, not necessarily just Sloth.

"GLUTTONY! QUIT GNAWING ON MY LEG!"

"But you're so tasty!"

"Ha! I'm tastier than Sloth! Eat it, Sloth!"

"Good grief…" commented Lust.

"Eating?" Gluttony asked. "Okay!"

"No wait, not literally, STOP!"

…

Mustang, Hawkeye, Hughes, and Armstrong were all talking in Eastern Command.

"So why are we calling him 'Scar'?" Mustang asked.

"Because he likes wearing go-go boots." Hughes said sarcastically. "What do you think?"

"Sorry…" Mustang frowned.

"Roy, lay low and stay careful. I don't need you dying on me." Hughes warned.

"Yeah, yeah… I should probably warn Fullmetal about this." Mustang realized. The others in the room nodded and mumbled along the lines of agreeing with him.

"Yeah that might be good." Armstrong said.

…

Ed and Al were sitting in the rain and next to a statue, and they were not happy.

"Sad… so sad…" Ed moaned.

"Brother, I'm despondent."

"The word you're looking for is 'sad', Al."

"I'm just so… depressed…"

"Sad."

"This is all alchemy's fault…" Al moped.

"Alchemy is the Circle of Life, Al. And it moves us all. Through despair and hope, through faith and love, 'till we find our place on the path unwinding, in the circle. The Circle of Life." Ed leaned back onto the statue they were sitting next to. Al spoke next.

"Teacher always made sure to remind us of the flow like that. And that she was a housewife… not to mention how she survived for a month in the Briggs Mountains… I'm miserable."

"Sad." Ed corrected. The unnamed man with the scar and sunglasses (dubbed 'Scar') was standing next to them.

"Are you the Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"Huh? Whoa! How long were you standing there?" Ed asked.

"Long enough to hear you disgrace my favorite movie by comparing it to your evil alchemy."

"Long enough." Ed concluded. "Yeah I am the Fullmetal Alchemist. So?"

Scar responded by charging the power in his right hand and making a beeline for Ed's face, but the young alchemist dodged. "Take it easy, man! Look I'm sorry for comparing that movie to alchemy, better?"

"Now you mock me with fake apologies. I shall destroy your face in the name of God."

"Uh-oh." Ed quickly transmuted the ground into a wall that separated him from Scar. "Ha! Suck on that!" Scar casually walked around the wall without saying anything or expressing an emotion. "Aw nuts…"

"And for future reference…" Scar stuck out his hand and used his alchemy to make a hole in the wall. "I could've just as easily gone through the wall."

"Al, I think we overstayed our welcome."

"You said it, Brother." Al agreed. At this point, the brothers ran away, screaming like little girls.

"I shall do everything in my power to kill you even though you're not even an adult yet but the fact that you're a State Alchemist overrides that. … That was a run-on sentence." Scar said. He began chasing the brothers through the streets, deconstructing anything that Ed or Al would craft to stop him.

"Should we stop that crazy murderer guy from picking on a child?" a citizen asked.

"Nah they're probably just LARPing or something." another replied.

Eventually, Scar finally cornered Ed and Al in an alleyway.

"Must kill alchemist. Must kill alchemist. Must kill alchemist."

"No! Must NOT kill alchemist!" Ed tried to correct him.

"Your kind and your alchemy have turned your backs to God."

"Great another one of those guys that worship Leefo." Ed rolled his eyes. Ed transmuted a knife. "Let's get him!" Ed and Al ran up to Scar, but the murderer dodged and grabbed a hold of Al's side. He then made a humongous hole in Al's torso.

"Aaaah!" screamed Al before falling to the ground.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Roy Mustang<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Scar<em>

Al lied on the stony street, with chunk of his torso missing, said torso reduced to scraps of metal on the ground.

"I'm… okay…" Al reassured his brother.

"Where did the person in the suit go? Was he… the suit itself?" Scar asked out loud.

"DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" Ed ran up to Scar with the knife, but Scar grabbed Ed's right arm without even diverting attention from Al.

"I'll give you a moment to pray to God."

"No, God and I aren't on good terms!" Ed said.

"Then your moment's over. You'll bleed to death when I destroy your arm." Scar then calmly decomposed Ed's arm… but the only affect was scrap metal flying everywhere. Ed fell back a ways and landed on his side.

"Now I'm armless!"

"… So your arm was metal? Well… at least I know your face isn't." Scar said, readying himself to decompose Ed's face. Hopeless and defeated (and still sad), Ed just sat there, awaiting death.

"Ed, get up! Don't just stay there!"

"So… sad…"

"Now-" but Scar was interrupted.

BANG!

Scar looked over to notice Mustang's entire team standing there, guns pointed at him.

"No, murderer. Bad. Leave the boy alone." Mustang ordered. "Flame Alchemist says no."

"Oh so you're the Flame Alchemist? Well…" Scar walked away from Ed and toward Mustang. "I'll give you a moment to pray to God too."

"Time to heat things up!" Mustang snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. "Aw darn it." Scar was within a hair's width of killing Mustang if it hadn't been for Hawkeye knocking her superior over. She then started shooting at Scar constantly, but the man just hid behind a wall.

"He's hiding." Hawkeye narrated.

"WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" Mustang asked.

"Your fire won't work. You're absolutely useless in the rain." Hawkeye answered. Roy went to cry in the corner, about being useless.

"Are you crying, sir?" Fuery asked.

"NO! IT'S RAINING! SHUT UP!"

"I'm nice and safe behind this wall, and I can kill both blasphemous alchemists from here!" Scar yelled.

"NOT IN MY CITY, YOU DON'T!"

"Who said that?" Scar asked.

"Armstrong… PUNCH!"

"Whoa." Scar said, barely avoiding a punch from Armstrong. He was shirtless and wearing his alchemical gauntlets.

"Elusive fiend, you've narrowly evaded the might of my Armstrong Punch. That technique was passed down the- Uh-oh." Armstrong said, before narrowly evading the might of Scar's face palm of doom. "Clever, sir."

"So you're another alchemist. I must kill you as well. … Which alchemist are you?"

"The Strong Arm Alchemist!"

"Let me start over then. Ahem… Are you the Strong Arm Alchemist?"

"Yes. Yes I am. Hahaha!"

"Then I'll give you a moment to-" Scar was interrupted by a statue of Armstrong's head being transmuted from the ground, sending Scar into the air. However, Scar did some kind of back flip and landed back on the street. "I shall always be grateful for those lessons I took."

Havoc ran over to Ed to sit him up.

"Hey kid watch this fight, it'll be totally awesome!"

"No fair, I can't see!" Al complained from the alley.

"Your reign of terror shall end here, Scar!" Armstrong announced.

"So that is the name chosen for me by these people. How uncreative."

"Armstrooooong…." Armstrong readied his attack.

"(Now! While he's charging and announcing his attack, he's wide open!)" Scar thought to himself. He readied his own attack.

"PUNCH!"

"Die!"

A bullet whizzed past both the hands of Armstrong and Scar. They looked around, confused, until another bullet shot off Scar's sunglasses. He appeared to have red eyes.

"Holy guacamole! His crimson eye coloring and darker complexion! This can only mean-" but Armstrong was cut off.

"He's Ishvalan!" Mustang realized, back from "not" crying in the corner. This information had all the military personnel in the area looking rather uncomfortable, especially Mustang, Hawkeye, and Armstrong. "Well… you're not getting away!"

Scar turned to the ground and decomposed it, creating a giant hole. An escape. He was gone.

"Nuts, he got away." Mustang said. "Into the sewers, no less…"

SCAR  
>Course Clear<br>Total Time: 6300 Seconds

World 1-2  
>Scar x 3<br>SCAR START!

Scar appeared in the undergrounds of East City, with a familiar underground theme playing.

"I should lay low for a while…" Scar muttered to himself. Little did he know that Gluttony was watching from a distance, licking his lips.

…

Hughes appeared from nowhere, back on the battlefield.

"Can I come out now?"

"Hey Hughes you dirty coward, nice of you to join us!" Havoc yelled.

"Well excuse me for trying not to die! I'll have you know that I take pride in my ability to not die! I've made it this far, I'll keep making it, if it means I can come home to my family! Now… Hughes Brigade, go find Scar!"

"Yes sir!" answered some of Hughes's men. They ran off.

"Go… my children. Be free…" Hughes said. Everyone else was confused, so they turned their attention to Ed. Ed, in the meanwhile, ran over to Al.

"Alphonse, are you okay?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Al screamed.

"Well screw you too! Is that the way you want to talk to your brother who almost died?" Ed yelled back.

"You were just sitting there! Like a moron! Morons die, you're not a moron! You had to keep going!"

"But… I was sad!"

"I don't care how upset-"

"Sad."

"-you were! Both of us have to stay alive, or else we'll never get back to normal!" Al's arm then fell off. "See? That's a sign that I'm right!"

"How is that a sign?"

"… Wait, so Alphonse Elric is but a spirit inhabiting the suit of armor?" Armstrong asked.

"Eh kind of. It's complicated." Mustang said. So now Hughes, Armstrong, and all of Mustang's other men were in on the truth about Al.

"… Everything sucks, doesn't it, little brother?"

"… Yeah…"

The sun came out.

"At least we're still alive." Al said. A random soldier walked up to Mustang.

"Hi, I represent the audience. What's an Ishvalan?"

"I'm glad you asked. Here's an educational video." Mustang said.

…

_"The Ishvalan Civil War and You! An educational background on the Ishvalan Civil War!" a happy voice announced. "The Ishvalans were red-eyed, brown-skinned people who lived in the eastern part of the countryside and worshipped their god, Ishvala. Hi Billy."_

_"Hi!" Billy said. Billy then asked, "Why did we get into a war with the Ishvalans?"_

_"Because they're lousy, no-good, red-eyed little pri-"_

PLEASE STAND BY

_"I'm glad you asked, Billy! We got into a war because one of our wonderful soldiers did something not so wonderful! He shot a child! … And that led to war. Eventually our glorious and dazzling leader, King Bradley, stepped in to resolve this."_

_A secretary went to Bradley and asked him what his plan for the war was._

_"Huh? … Oh yeah. Send the State Alchemists to go kill them all or something. And I do mean kill. Man, woman, child, it doesn't really matter. They disgrace our countryside with their presence… Now if you don't mind, you're interrupting my public appearance in this lovely classroom."_

_The children in the class were visibly scared of Bradley after hearing his brutal suggestion for the war._

_"Smile." Bradley ordered coldly. One of the kids started crying. "See? You're upsetting the children. Now go away." Bradley said to the secretary._

_"Cannon fire NOW!" Basque Grand called out._

_"Hahahahaha! Boom! BOOOOOM! I love me a good explosion…" Kimblee muttered._

_"Fire… blah." Mustang snapped his fingers, disinterested._

_"And that's how we won the Ishvalan Civil War and put those Ishtards in their proper place! … What was that? Oh, my supervisor is telling me that I'm being racially and culturally insensitive. Well I say those Ishvalans can kiss my-_

PLEASE STAND BY

_"… and that's how we won the war. Goodnight."_

…

Mustang was in his office.

"That video sure hasn't aged well with today's shift from 'hating Ishvalans' to 'being awkward around Ishvalans'. … Well anyway, I guess that's why he's targeting State Alchemists…" Mustang realized.

"He's just getting revenge! That's lame! Plus Al and I had nothing to do with it! Talk about profiling!"

"Cool story bro. So anyway Edward, what will be your next exciting adventure?" Hughes asked.

"Well we're gonna have to go back to Risembool and meet up with our mechanic."

"She'll be mad…" Al said.

"Yeah, we really haven't been on top of the whole 'stay in contact' thing." Ed said. "But we have no choice."

…

In Risembool, their mechanic was working on something.

"All done!" said a blonde girl, finished with whatever mechanical thing she had and satisfied with it.

…

USO

_Ed and Al will go home and get all fixed up. Along the way they'll meet a loser who will offer them important clues in regards to the Philosopher's Stone._

(Eh, there's always some shakiness between Amestrians and Ishvalans, and the educational video is so supposed to be based off retro educational videos, so I figured it'd be funnier if the narrator had a bit too much pride in his side of the war winning.)

(Anyone catch the Super Mario jokes?)

See you next time, State Alchemist


	6. Road of Hope

"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"

…  
>AGAIN<br>Episode 6: Home Again

_Ed and Al were sitting in the rain and being sad. That's when Scar came and tried to kill Ed. The older brother merely gave up, and that's when Roy Mustang and his men came to save the day. Scar got away and the Elric brothers decided to go home to Risembool to get fixed up._

…

Ed was already on the train at the station, when he heard a familiar voice outside the window.

"Hey Ed, good luck!"

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes? What are you doing here?" asked Ed.

"I'm seeing you off!"

"'Kay."

"Well you two have a good trip, all right?"

"Fine…"

"And Al too, he should have a good trip as well as you two."

"That reminds me… why is he with me?" Ed asked. He motioned to the person sitting next to him. It wasn't Al, it was Major Armstrong, as sparkly as ever.

"Why Edward, you are at your most vulnerable without your arm! What if some underhanded thieves boarded the train? Why, you'd be defenseless without me!" explained Armstrong.

"Right…" Ed said. "Say, where's Alphonse?"

"Oh. He is currently taking up residence within the car with the sheep in it.

…

"Baaaa!"

"Beeeh!"

"Baaaaaa!"

"… I like sheep. Sheep are friendly." Al said, sitting all alone in a crate surrounded by sheep. "… But they're not as good as cats."

…

"Well as long as he doesn't hide one in himself in an attempt to keep it, I guess it's all good." concluded Ed. The train's whistle blew.

"Oh, looks like it's time to go! Bye Ed, be safe! Remember to visit! Don't talk to strangers! Always swim with a buddy!" were Hughes's parting words.

"Yeah, yeah…" Ed spoke. And just like that, the train left the station.

…

"Are we there yet?"

"No. People like you are so impatient."

"Are we there yet now?"

"No we're not there yet, Major!"

…

A few hours later, the train was stopped at a small village, getting fuel and letting some passengers off for either a break, or because this was their destination.

"Edward, wake up." nudged Armstrong.

"All the other kids get ponies…"

"Edward, wake up!" Armstrong shouted.

"AH PIRATES, WHAT?"

"Good, you are awake. You see… I desperately in need a visit to the lavatory."

"So why are you waking me for that?" asked an annoyed Ed.

"Well we are to be near each other at all times, so…"

"Crap. Fine, let's take you to the bathroom…" As Ed stood up, a man walked by his window, outside the train. But he caught Armstrong's attention. He pushed Ed over and stuck his head out the window.

"GREETINGS, DR. MARCOH! HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY? REMEMBER ME? I'M ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG!"

**Name - Tim Marcoh**  
><strong>Specialty - (You'll see in a minute)<strong>  
><strong>Note - Birds don't like him<strong>

Upon noticing Armstrong recognize him, the doctor ran away.

"Wow. You really do get the same reaction from everyone you meet." Ed commented on the situation. "Who was that guy, Major?"

"He was a State Alchemist from Central. He had completely vanished after the Ishvalan Civil War."

"I bet he'd be useful for learning how to get me and Al back to normal!"

"You mean 'Al and I." corrected Armstrong. "You see, it is grammatically correct to place the other people before you, and then-"

"Whatever!"

…

Ed was with Armstrong, who was carrying Al in the crate. They were looking through the town for Dr. Marcoh. Armstrong was showing everyone his portrait of Marcoh, drawn perfectly.

"Yeah I've seen him. That's Dr. Mario."

"Dr. Mario?" asked both Ed and Armstrong at once.

"He's the town doctor. He's the best!"

"(Hmm. This must be his alias so that Central won't find him again.)" Armstrong thought to himself. "Where is the good doctor's domicile, young man?"

"Oh he lives on the edge of town, stairs lead up to his house, you can't miss it."

…

Ed, Armstrong, and Al found themselves at Dr. Marcoh's door before long. Ed knocked on the door, and Marcoh opened it, aiming a gun at Ed's head.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" screamed the doctor. He shot, and Ed barely dodged.

"WHAT THE CRAP, MAN? YOU ALMOST SHOT ME!"

"I won't miss next time! Go away! I'm not coming back to Central!"

"We're not taking you to Central, we just-" Armstrong was interrupted before he could finish his explanation.

"Lies, lies, and more lies!" Marcoh was lost in his own world. Therefore Armstrong decided to calm him down. … By throwing Al at him.

…

Within minutes, everything was cleared up, and all the men sat at the dining room table. Ed was the first to speak.

"So Dr. Mario-"

"Edward, as I have previously told you, that is only his alias. He is Dr. Marcoh."

"Right, Dr. Talon, whatever. Anyway, what were you like as a doctor alchemist?"

"I had to research that _evil_ object. I hated it, and I hate myself for ever having to research it. So I ran away to this village, changed my name, and never looked back, except in nightmares."

"What evil thing are you talking about?" Ed asked.

"The Philosopher's Stone… I cringe by just saying it out loud!"

"OMG!" Al exclaimed.

"Al, for the last time, use your words! My little brother will _not_ express everything by just their first letters!"

"I'm sorry, Ed…"

"I can't believe what you two did, though." Marcoh said, apparently having been told about Ed and Al's attempt at transmuting a human.

"Wait, I was distracted, are you telling me that you might have a Philosopher's Stone? Give it! I want it!" Ed demanded.

"No! It's evil! But I _can_ show it to you!" Marcoh said before pulling out a vial with a rather thick, crimson fluid inside. "Just as it has many names, it has many forms. It's not necessarily a stone all the time. In fact, sometimes I give them little nicknames. I call this, 'the Philosopher's Droplet'".

"Oooh. Pretty." all the other men in the room commented at once.

"But I have no way of knowing when this will reach its limit and stop working. Philosopher's Stones aren't infinite in their power."

"So pretty…" the others were still lost in the juice's color. Ed was the first to come back to his senses.

"Hey, show me your research!"

"No way!"

"… Please?" begged Al.

"Get out of my house!"

…

Ed, Armstrong, and Al were back at the train, ready to get back on. At that point, Marcoh ran up to them.

"Dr. Mario? What do you want?" Ed asked.

"I changed my mind. Go to a library in Central, and you might find a truth within the truth."

"Truthcep-" Al was interrupted.

"Al, I _will_ smack you if you finish that reference. It's bad enough everyone and their mother has to make that reference, but my own brother too? It doesn't even work the way everyone wants to think it works!" Ed scolded. "First of all, a dream isn't-" but he was interrupted by Marcoh.

"If you won't regret finding the reality of the Philosopher's Stone, then go nuts. … Bye." Marcoh left.

"That was easy." noted Armstrong.

…

Ed, Al, and Armstrong were long gone by the time Marcoh returned to his house. He took some time to contemplate exactly what he'd done, but a voice called out to him.

"Hey there, handsome. It's not nice of you to keep a girl waiting." Lust said.

"No… no. Just no. I'm going to turn around, and there _won't_ be a homunculus sitting there. Aaand now." Marcoh turned around. Lust was sitting at his table. "Nuts."

"As much as I like the sound of 'nuts', I'm afraid I can't let you off that easily."

"This is gonna suck…" complained Marcoh.

"As much as I like the-"

"Okay I get it, _everything_ attracts you, just tell me what you're here for!"

"You've been a bad boy." Lust told the doctor. "We don't like what you've been saying…"

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Tim Marcoh<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Winry Rockbell<em>

At Risembool, the trio of travelers had finally arrived, getting the attention of Den, the Rockbells' dog with an automail leg. In an upstairs room of the house, Ed and Al's mechanic was working on something.

"Hey Winry, get down here!" called an older woman's voice.

"Okay, Grandma!" was Winry's only response.

…

"Yo Granny, wazzup?"

"Brother, what have I told you about trying to sound cool?"

"Shut up Al, I can say what I want."

"Hypocrite." Al called his brother.

"Why Ed, you haven't grown a bit." Pinako noted.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?" Ed started going off on a tangent, but he was ignored.

"Greetings, madam. I am referred to as Alex Louis Armstrong."

"Why hello Alex Louis Armstrong, I'm Pinako."

"I'M NOT SHORT, YOU MINIATURE WITCH!"

_WRENCH'D!_

"Oww…" Ed moaned.

"Well Edward, I suppose this is comeuppance for insulting a woman." Armstrong scolded.

"I could say the same thing. I like your friend, Ed." Pinako said.

"This world hates me…" Ed spoke flatly, in pain.

"Ed, I told you to call before coming back!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Actually Brother, I remember her telling us to-"

"Al, who's side are you on?" Ed asked.

…

Eventually, Ed laid the remains of his arm on the table, for Winry to see it.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PRECIOUS DESIGN?"

"Uh… Well you see, Al was-"

"I didn't ask what Al did, I asked what you did!"

"Well there was this guy named Scar-"

"I don't care about this Scar guy, I asked about you!"

"Okay fine. It all started when an alchemist named Shou Tucker-"

"Now you're just making names up! Tell me what happened, Ed!"

"… I broke it in a fight."

_PUNCH'D!_

"Oww…" Ed complained.

"And what about you?" Winry demanded of Al.

"Uhh, well…."

_KICK'D!_

"I didn't even do anything!" Al complained.

…

"All righty Ed, it'll take three days and three nights to rebuild your arm from scratch. Then there's your leg…" Pinako said.

"What about it?"

"It needs fixing, too. It'll take about the same time, so you'll be here for a while. You can have a simpler model of automail leg to keep you up and about in that time."

"Aw man…"

…

"Lumber Log PUNCH!" Armstrong screamed as he punched a log in half. Three judges sat at a nearby table and held up signs that read 10, 10, and 9.0. Armstrong picked up the pieces of wood and returned to the house, passing Al along the way.

"Good afternoon, Alphonse."

"Good afternoon, Major."

"Bawk-bawk-baGAWK!"

"The chickens say hi, too." Al added. Armstrong entered the house.

"Normally a punch would not halve a log, but I had taken the liberty of drawing a transmutation circle on the tree stump, so that I could transmute said log in half upon contact."

"That's nice." Pinako said. " I don't care."

"I say, where has Edward disappeared to? And the noble canine?"

"Oh Ed and Den? They went to visit Trisha's grave."

"May I ask who that would be?"

"You know… Ed and Al's mom?"

"Oh. … That really should've been obvious to me."

"Major, what have Ed and Al been doing? They never check in."

"Well… they traveled to the town of Lior and exposed a false priest. Following that, they went to the mining town of Youswell and conned the corrupt Lieutenant Yoki out of owning the place, thus freeing the townspeople. Those are the most recent adventures." Armstrong thought it best not to bring up the murderous Scar. "May I ask how you know the brothers?"

"Friend of the family. Used to get smashed with their father on a regular basis, but then he left. Then their mom died. I took them in after that."

"I see. And Winry's parents?"

"Dead. During the war."

"Yes, the war was truly a horrendous event for all of us in the military."

"Well it's about time for me to make supper. Since Al loved my stew, I won't make it. Then he won't be reminded of how he can't have any. Unless you'd prefer stew?"

"Me? I'm staying here? I had assumed I would find a nice inn, preferably one that's small, modest, but with a small town charm to it."

"Eh Ed and Al stayed here with us before leaving, adding you really won't do much."

"Huh? What about the Elric household?"

"Burnt to the ground."

"Oh that's not good at all, how unfortunate."

"Ed and Al decided to do it."

"… What?"

"Something about never turning back. I dunno, anyway time to make supper."

…

"Hey I'm back!" Ed entered the house.

"OH EDWARD ELRIC! I HAD ONLY JUST NOW LEARNED OF YOUR TALE OF WOE!" Armstrong greeted.

"What? What do you mean? You're also not wearing a shirt… You're not gonna-"

Armstrong started giving Ed a bear hug.

"You are… dang it… Ow… choking…"

"TRULY YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE PROUD TO HAVE SUCH LOVING SONS AS YOU AND ALPHONSE! YOU, WHO WOULD BREAK THE RULES OF ALCHEMY JUST TO BE WITH YOUR MOTHER AGAIN! THEN WHEN YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN OFF WITH JUST A MISSING LEG, YOU GAVE UP YOUR ARM TO RETURN ALPHONSE TO THE MORTAL COIL! WHAT A GOOD SON AND BROTHER YOU ARE!"

"Can't… breathe…"

"THEN YOU BURNT YOUR HOUSE TO THE GROUND IN ORDER TO KEEP YOURSELVES MOVING FORWARD, NEVER TO DWELL ON THE PAST, BUT TO KEEP GOING! YOU DESERVE TO BE HUGGED!"

"Choking…"

"All right Major, I think he's had enough now." Pinako told Armstrong. The Major didn't stop hugging though, feeling truly touched by Ed's history.

…

Ed and Al were sitting with Den in the field, each of them bored out of their skulls. Though Al didn't technically have a skull.

"I wonder if I should go see if Winry's almost done again." Ed said.

"Brother, you checked five minutes ago. And two minutes before that. And two minutes before that. For the past two days. Just give them the rest of today and tonight, and I'm sure they'll finish."

"But what if they don't? What if they finish early and then decide not to tell me for some reason?"

"Brother, I worry about you sometimes." As Al said that, Winry came up to the brothers in the field.

"Hey Ed, I finished your arm!" the mechanic called.

"AHA! See? I told you, Al!"

"I'm never right, it seems…" Al moped.

…

Winry and Pinako were attaching Ed's false limbs to his body.

"Ow! The pain! Nerves!"

"Hold still, you big baby." Winry spoke, frustrated.

"We haven't even started yet." Pinako clarified.

"Just so you know, this automail won't rust as easily, but it's not as strong as before, so be careful."

"Yeah, yea- AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

…

Al and the scraps of his armor were on a tarp and in the center of a giant transmutation circle. Ed clapped his hands and transmuted his brother back to normal.

"Hooray!" cheered Al.

"I'm surprised you can do it so easily." Armstrong commented.

"Hey I'm a prodigy at this, what'd you expect?"

…

Early the next morning, Ed, Al, and Armstrong were leaving.

"Thanks for that, Granny. Payment's on the table."

"I have decided to leave you with the enormous crate that Alphonse was originally contained in. I thought that perhaps it could find new purpose here." Armstrong told Pinako.

"All right you crazy kids, be careful. Remember to check in every now and then. Don't talk to strangers. Always swim with a buddy." Pinako said as she saw the boys off.

"Yeah, yeah…" Ed said.

"Where'd Winry go?" Al asked.

"She stayed up for 72 hours in a row, where do you expect her to be?" Pinako answered.

"Oh yeah… Well, tell her that we said-" but Al was interrupted.

"Ed… Al… bye…" Winry had come out onto the balcony to see her friends off.

"Oh that's a pleasant surprise. Bye!" Ed returned the farewell.

"Bye Winry!" Al said.

"FAREWELL, FRIENDLY WOMEN OF THE ROCKBELL HOUSEHOLD! UNTIL FATE DETERMINES THAT WE MEET AGAIN!" Armstrong bowed and kissed Pinako's wrist. Everyone present was a bit disturbed, save for Armstrong. "… What? I'm just being a gentleman."

"Um… Brother?" Al asked. Ed nodded.

"Yeah let's just leave."

…

USO

The next evening, at the Rockbell house…

"Uh-oh…"

"What is it, Winry?" Pinako asked.

"… I forgot a screw for Ed's arm…"

"Eh, he probably won't miss it."

"I guess you're right."

_Next time, Ed and Al finally find the truth within the truth within the first branch of the Central National Library. But will they like what they find?_

(I consider this one of the weaker chapters for this story. Most of the humor, in my opinion, came from Armstrong, and my humor for him is more subtle than most of my humor, to this chapter's detriment. On a side note, let's see if I can still make him a funny character without relying on his catch phrase too many times. He's only said it once, and was interrupted on the second time, so far so good.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander**


	7. Hidden Truths

"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"

…  
>AGAIN<br>Episode 7: Soylent Green

_Ed, Al, and Armstrong went to Risembool. On the way, they met a boring man named Dr. Marcoh. Then they actually went to Risembool and got fixed up. Now Ed and Al must find the truth within the truth within the Central Library. Then they can learn about Philosopher's Stones._

…

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" Ed cursed to the heavens.

"Awww…" moaned Al. The brothers had gone to the library, only to find that it was recently burnt to the ground.

"This is most unfortunate." commented Armstrong.

…

Lust and Gluttony were talking to each other on a tower somewhere.

"I burnt the library. It was hot." said Lust.

"Literally or does everything make you feel like that?" Gluttony asked.

"Yes."

"Can we go to the restaurant now?"

"No, that hunk Greg isn't working the register anymore."

"I didn't think you were that picky."

"… Good point, let's go."

"No wait! I can smell the Ishvalan! I'mma eat him! I'MMA EAT ME SOME ISHVALAN!"

"Gluttony, quit shouting. People will notice us."

…

Scar was walking in the sewers.

"Must kill more alchemists. Must kill more alchemists. Must remember to pick up dry cleaning."

"I SMELL YOU!"

"Huh?" Scar turned around to see Gluttony's eyes glowing in the darkness. "Well… here comes a new challenger."

Scar and Gluttony ran toward each other, and Scar got the first move, deconstructing Gluttony's arm.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Now that that's settled-"

Lust came from nowhere to stab Scar.

"Oh that felt so right…" commented the female homunculus.

"Everything… going dark…" Scar fainted upon uttering these words. Gluttony and Lust gave each other a high five and proceeded to go on to the restaurant. Why did Gluttony forget to eat scar? Because Gluttony wasn't the brightest of the homunculi, this seems to be an acknowledged fact.

…

"So we haven't seen hide nor hair of Scar since he went after Edward Elric." Hawkeye reported. Mustang was displeased.

"Nuts. I have to catch Scar or else I won't look good in front of the higher ups! Then I'll never make it to Fuhrer! Do you know how great the Fuhrer has it? He has a hot tub! He's so powerful, he can afford anachronism!"

"He hurt his what?" Havoc asked. Before he got any answers, a soldier burst in.

"SIR! WE'VE HEARD OF AN EXPLOSION APPEARING NEAR THE RIVER!"

"Lousy kids, playing with their Xingese firecrackers… Why should I care?"

"… Sir? You don't think maybe it had to do with Scar?" Hawkeye asked.

"… Oh yeah. That. All right guys, let's go."

…

Mustang's team deployed to the riverside. Hawkeye found Scar's bloodied jacket.

"Yep, Scar was here." commented the First Lieutenant.

"All right we'll have to find this Scar guy before he can hurt anyone else. Havoc, I'm gonna slave drive you so that you and your underlings are going to work restlessly until you find him."

"Lame…" commented Havoc. Many civilians gathered around to see what all the commotion was about. Among the crowd were Lust and Gluttony in disguise.

"Lust, I forgot to eat the Ishvalan."

"Well he's under a few tons of rubble now, so Scar and his manly, muscular frame are going to be out of the picture. At least for long enough so that we can continue with Father's plans."

"… What on Earth are you two talkin' about?" asked a common citizen who overheard the homunculi. This caught the both of them off guard.

"Uhhh… We were… practicing for… a play?" Lust lied.

"Dinner theater!" Gluttony added.

"Okay I'll buy that." said the man.

…

Ed was still cursing like a sailor over the loss of the library.

"Major Armstrong, sir!" a voice called out. Armstrong looked over.

"Oh. Second Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh. Greetings!"

**Name - Denny Brosh**  
><strong>Specialty - None of any note<strong>  
><strong>Note - His one day off work is very important<strong>

"We are to take look after the Elrics, sir!" Ross said.

"We were chosen due to the fact that my hairstyle resembles Edward Elric's hairstyle completely, sir!" Brosh said.

"If you insist. Farewell, Elric Brothers! Until we meet again!"

"Okay." the brothers responded.

…

The two military people and the brothers were riding in a car through the city.

"Well there was this one woman who knew a lot about the library's branch, so she could be of use…" Ross recalled.

"Hot dog, let's go!" said Ed.

"Why are you wearing armor?" Brosh asked Al. The younger brother had a simple excuse.

"Because I'm awesome."

…

The four people made it to a house somewhere in the city. They found themselves in a room full of books. Ross called out for someone.

"Hey! Sheska! Are you here?"

A woman's voice was muffled, as she was buried by a pile of books.

"Uh-oh." Al was the first to notice. Before long, they had dug Sheska out from under the books, essentially saving her life.

**Name - Sheska**  
><strong>Specialty - Reading, memorizing books<strong>  
><strong>Note - Loves books<strong>

"I love books!" Sheska announced.

"Uh, that's nice. Do you know any books that concern Dr. Marcoh and the Philosopher's Stone?" asked Al.

"Yes, because it was in a book and I love books! Can I tell you my backstory?"

"No, just tell us what we need to know, lady, and Fuzzy won't get hurt." Ed held up a teddy bear with glasses.

"That's not my doll. I don't even have dolls. My only affection goes to books and my mother!"

"Then who's doll did I just pick up?" Ed asked. Brosh walked over to him.

"Um… Excuse me, Ed… Um…"

"Good grief…" Ed returned Brosh's doll to its owner. Al took over the conversation.

"So will you tell us?"

"Okay! Because it was in a book and I love books! Marcoh wrote about the Philosopher's Stone in some notes. The notes were stuffed into one of the books in the library!"

"… D*** it! We're right back where we started!" Ed complained.

"I memorized the notes, because they were in a book, and I love books so much that I can do that. Do you want me to copy the notes?" Sheska asked. Ed and Al were caught completely off guard.

"Uhhh, kinda… maybe… if it isn't a problem…" Ed answered.

"This is a task related to books, which means I'm all for it!

**Five Days Later…**

"Ta-da!" Sheska presented the copy of the notes to Ed and Al.

"Hallelujah! Thank Lito for bookworms, huh Al?"

"Hey you got His name right, Brother!"

"1,000 Easy Recipes, by Tim Marcoh! I loved that book, you're in for a great read!"

"WHAAAAAAT?" exclaimed Ed, Al, Ross, and Brosh.

"Was it the wrong Tim Marcoh?" Brosh asked.

"I still thought his name was Dr. Mario…" said Ed. "What on earth is Marcoh doing writing a cookbook? He's a doctor! Did he just go through a cooking phase or something?"

…

_And now, don't change that channel, we're back from our commercial break! Cooking with Marcoh!_

_"Hello everyone, welcome back to Cooking with Marcoh. I'm still the host, Tim Marcoh. I hate my life. My assistant will show you how to prepare mousse while I dwell on every mistake I've made in my life." Marcoh announced before walking to the corner and moping._

…

"So… this was all for nothing, Lieutenant?" asked Brosh.

"I'm afraid-" but Ross started to say.

"Not." Ed interrupted. "Wow, I timed that perfectly. Either way, alchemists are very protective of their notes, so they always put them in a secret code. Just crack the code and we're all set!"

"Yay! You're so smart, Brother!"

"Here Sheska, you get… uhh… carry the four… 10,000 cens for your trouble. Have fun." Ed paid Sheska and walked off with the notes with Al, whistling the song, 'Period'.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Ross when she saw all that money.

"SO MUCH MONEY!" Sheska shouted.

…

Ed and Al were sitting in a room somewhere, ready to go over the notes.

"So how are these cookbooks going to help you?" Brosh asked.

"Do you pay attention to anything? Ever?" Ed questioned.

"Sorry, I recently dealt with the trauma of having Fuzzy threatened. Mr. Doll Threaten-er!"

"All right, all right! Anyway it's all a secret code. Crack it, and we find what we want." Ed explained. Brosh nodded.

"Cool beans."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Sheska<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Maria Ross &amp; Denny Brosh<em>

"This is haaaaaaard!" Ed complained. Hours of research had gone by.

"Brother, we should ask Dr. Marcoh about this. He was willing to take us this far, wasn't he?"

"NO! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SPEAKING THAT WAY AGAIN, AL! WE MUST NEVER RETURN TO HIS HOUSE! EVER!"

"But why?"

"… I, uh… I stole a few books from his _Calvin & Hobbes_collection so I'd have something to read on the train to Risembool."

"You did _what_? … Which ones did you get?"

"Well there's this one where Calvin-"

"Hi Ed and Al! I still love books!" Sheska came into the room, interrupting the conversation.

"Sheska? What are you doing here?" Al asked.

"Oh, she wanted to speak to you two." explained Brosh.

"Hey everybody, what's up?" Hughes interrupted the interruption.

"Hey Hughes, this lady needs a job." Ed said. "… Somehow I know that without being told."

"What can she do?" asked Hughes.

"I love books."

"Good enough, you're hired!"

"Hooray!" Sheska cheered.

Hughes dragged Sheska off to get her to her new job. At the time, Ed and Al kept working. Hours had gone by.

"Hmm… I think I've narrowed it down to the last clue."

"That's great, Brother! What is it?"

"It says that the ingredient to create a Philosopher's Stone is… a strange word, must be foreign. You have to have a group of things called… _sowels_. That's how I'm pronouncing it at least. S-O-U-L, sowel."

"Brother, I think the word you're looking for is 'soul'."

"Like the bottoms of peoples' shoes? Wow. To think, the answer was right under our feet the whole time! Literally!"

"Brother…"

"… Ohhhh… You mean _that_kind…" Ed said. Al nodded. Both brothers screamed after letting this horrible revelation sink in.

"-"

Ross and Brosh came into the room to see what was going on.

"You guys okay?" Brosh asked.

"Philosopher's Stones are Soylent Green!" Ed and Al screamed.

"What's Soylent Green?" Brosh asked. Al told him.

"Soylent Green is people!"

"Gaspy face!" Brosh responded.

"Are you sure about that?" asked Ross. Ed and Al nodded.

"Hey don't tell anyone about this, it wouldn't be pretty if lots of people knew." Ed said.

…

"What is this heresy? The Elric Brothers refuse to leave their room? But I had previously invited them to Karaoke Night at the club! And they said they'd come! How rude of them!" Armstrong said as if he were genuinely hurt.

"Sorry, sir." Ross and Brosh spoke at the same time.

"Well anyway, it's no surprise, given what they found out about the Philoso…" Brosh noticed that he said that right in front of Armstrong, getting the Major's attention. "… Oh no."

…

Armstrong barged into the brothers' room, without a shirt for some reason.

"ELRIC BROTHERS! I KNOW WHAT THOSE NOTES SAY!"

"How does he keep finding us, Brother?"

"I don't know, Al!"

"WHAT A TRAGEDY! YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS REVEAL SUCH A HORRIBLE SECRET! SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR AWAY! COME! YOU TWO DESERVE ANOTHER HUG!"

"No, no we don't!" Ed tried to stop him. "Hey wait a second! Al, maybe we're not totally screwed, after all! This is the truth, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"So there's got to be another truth inside of this truth!"

"I thought this was the truth within the truth of the recipes."

"No way Al, that's dumb."

"You should go to the Fifth Laboratory." Armstrong recommended. "It's closed down, clearly there must be purpose for this."

"Okay." Ed and Al agreed, nonchalantly.

"We shall go tomorrow! Now come! I had invited you both to Karaoke Night!" Armstrong told the brothers.

"Awww no way!" Ed complained. "I wanna go now!"

"WE SHALL BE LEAVING TOMORROW FOR THE FIFTH LABORATORY, AND I WILL NOT HEAR OF YOU LEAVING ANY SOONER!"

…

Ed and Al were sneaking through the streets of Central.

"Well he's not hearing of this, so technically it's all good." Ed justified himself to Al.

"Brother, there's a guard! Hi guard!"

"Hi Al!" greeted the guard.

"Al don't talk to strangers. … Hey wait! Why is there a guard in front of an unused building?"

"Well it _is_a safety hazard to be inside, so-"

"So the police tape should've been good enough. This has suspicion all over it." Ed and Al snuck over to the side of the building.

"Give me a boost, Al. I'm gonna crawl through here. You wait outside."

"Aw man…" complained Al, though he complied. He boosted Ed up to the small hole and the older brother started crawling through.

…

"66, I think we have visitors."

"48, for the last time, I don't care!"

"We'll let you chop the one standing outside."

"Oooh! 48, you know how to strike a bargain! I'm off!"

…

Al was still standing outside the building.

"Bored… bored… bored… Wait… who's there?"

Someone drops from the roof.

"Must CHOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

"Oh no."

…  
>USO<p>

_Next time, Ed and Al get into a fight with merciless killers._

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander**


	8. The Fifth Laboratory

**"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"**

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

Episode 8: Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Cutlery

_Ed and Al found out that Marcoh's laboratory was burnt, so they couldn't find his notes. But a bookworm memorized all the notes and gave 'em to the brothers, so it was all good. Oh and Philosopher's Stones are made by sacrificing an amount of human souls. So Ed and Al went to the Fifth Laboratory in Central in order to find secrets, but guards were ready to attack._

As Al stood outside the lab, someone dropped down to attack.

"Must CHOOOOOP!"

"Oh no…" Muttered Al.

This would've done Al in for sure if it weren't for the fact that the person had missed.

"Whoahohaha! Here comes a new challenger!" the enemy announced.

**Name - #66**  
><strong>Specialty - Chopping<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Hates people who cut themselves (they do to themselves what he wants to do to them)<strong>

"Time to DIIIIIIIIIIE!" 66 screamed to the heavens.

...

Inside the building, Ed noticed a giant transmutation circle and some dried bloodstains.

"… This might be important. … Oh well!" Ed disregarded the ominous things in the room.

"You're not the brightest intruder we've dealt with, it would appear." called another voice.

"Well as long as you didn't call me the shortest intruder, I- hey who's there? Is this the gift shop?"

"No, it's where they make the Philosopher's Stones. … In hindsight, revealing that to you was probably not the best idea." The voice became louder as a figure walked into the room.

This newcomer was a foreboding, armored man with a sword, by the looks of it. The gaze coming from the helmet looked entirely neutral, though.

"Where they make the Philosopher's Stones? Uhh… yeah, that was my next guess."

"Sure it was." the figure sarcastically replied.

"Who are you, anyway?"

"Number Forty-Eight."

**Name - #48**  
><strong>Specialty - Slicing<strong>  
><strong>Note - Once helped invent the Slap Chop with #66 (they were never given credit)<strong>

"We've been told to kill anyone who comes in here without authorization. And wouldn't you know? They never authorized any blonde brats with perpetual scowls. So that leaves us with two options. You stand and face death like a man, or waste all of our time and try to fight back for a few minutes until your inevitable defeat. Which sounds better to you?" asked 48.

"Sheesh, can I go at least one week without someone threatening my life?" Ed complained. "Whatever, let's get this over with." Ed transmuted part of his arm into a blade like always. 48 ran right up to Ed in nothing flat.

"Ah, you're an alchemist?"

"Holy crap you're fast!" Ed was too stunned to notice the oncoming blade until he had only barely enough time to get out of the way.

"Nice arm. Very shiny. Though as a blade it's not very-" 48 however was interrupted by a swift kick to the stomach. The sound it made was very familiar to Ed, not that 48 noticed. "That won't work."

"Hey, you're hollow!"

"… Uhhh… Nuh-uh." The armored man was clearly found out, and he knew it. The denial in his voice was obvious.

"Yeah you're totally hollow! I could tell from that sound that there's nothing in there!" At this point, 48 gave up trying to hide the truth.

"But… But how did you know?"

"Eh my brother's hollow too. Eh he's a pretty cool guy. Likes cats, doesn't afraid of anything." explained the boy.

"Hey I'm pretty cool too, just so you know. My real name is Slicer."

"With a name that, I guess you had no choice but to be a killer."

Slicer's head shook. "No, no, that's the name society gave me. My actual name is Steve."

"Whatever." Ed corrected.

"Must you ruin everything? Anyway because of the way we'd kill people, we were hired to kill intruders once our souls became bonded to armor."

"You mean there's more than just you?"

"Well to tell you the truth-" Slicer was interrupted, though.

"Nuts I sure hope he's not wiping the floor with Al. … So what's this about Philosopher's Stones? Are they sacrificing souls instead of just executing criminals the normal way?"

"I wouldn't know. I always assumed they were done off with by means of a notebook of some kind, preferably wielded by one with a taste for salty snacks. But that is neither here nor there, as we were never told anything."

Ed was disappointed. "So you don't know?"

Slicer shook. "Nope. We might be employed, but it's very clear that the staff and upper management don't consider us 'part of the family' so to speak. It's just 'Slicer kill this guy' and 'Slicer kill that guy' and 'Slicer help me with this onion'. Granted we have nowhere to go, but would a paycheck every once in a while be too much to ask for?"

Ed didn't care about Slicer's problems at work. He couldn't care less, as a matter of fact. But he tried to be polite. "Um… Sorry?"

"Eh it's not your fault. But you still have to be killed, no getting around that."

"Then I take back my false sympathy!"

"Well that's just rude." Slicer noted. "And to think, I even showed you where my blood seal, my one spot of weakness that will kill me upon destruction, is."

"… You never showed me that. Ever."

"Oh. Really?" Slicer had his helmet open to reveal the blood seal on the inside of the back. "Well it's here, in case you were wondering. Why am I telling you, you ask? Because I know you won't be able to kill me."

Ed gulped.

...

"OMG Roy guess what!" Hughes screamed over the phone in Central Command. Mustang responded over the phone, but he was clearly annoyed.

"You found a way to speak that won't be invented for centuries and that will act as the advent to poor spelling for the sake of the convenience of acronyms and initials?" Mustang's voice asked.

"Naaah that's not it at all! Elicia's gonna turn three!"

"… The world is not as I know it." Mustang sarcastically commented.

"Oh all right fine, I suppose it's your turn to tell me about the people close to you in life. So go on, who is it? Is it Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Goodbye, Hughes."

"I'm not hearing a 'no'! … That reminds me, how's the thing with Scar?"

"Oh him? Yeah…" Mustang sounded disconcerted. "There were lots of dead bodies. And some skeletons of turtles wearing shoes that looked like they'd been stomped on by a fat man. But no sign of Scar besides his bloodied jacket. He could be dead. I have Havoc in charge on the field."

...

Havoc pulled over a tarp covering a dead body from the sewer.

"SWEET MERCY, THAT'S NASTY!"

...

Hughes continued to talk on the phone, to the secretary's annoyance.

"Well I hope it works out for you!"

"Thanks Hughes."

"This means soon I can let Ross and Brosh stop worrying about the Elric Brothers."

"NO! THEY LEFT! WE ARE SUNK!" Ross bemoaned.

"Major Armstrong can't find out! If he does, he's gonna take his shirt off and force me to paint a still life portrait of him!"

"I know how you- … Wait, what?" Ross stopped worrying, only to be confused. This was obviously not what she expected her friend to say.

"And I'll have to use watercolor!" Brosh complained.

"… What kind of weird punishments does he give you?"

"Well to be honest they're not really punishments, but he treats them like they are. And they might as well be. Secretly I think it's because he's very lonely and has no friends. Oddly enough, he says that's the one thing about himself that hasn't been passed down his family line for many generations."

"… I'm just gonna… I'm just gonna go find Ed and Al and try to bring them back before the Major notices."

"… Good idea, I'll come too!"

"Hrrrrrr…" Slicer ran up toward Ed, and he was on the offensive. Ed was returning the favor.

"Haaaaa…."

Both screamed at once. "THREE, TWO, ONE, SHOOT!" Slicer's two pointer fingers were next to Ed's flat, metal hand.

"Scissors cuts paper. You lose that round."

"Crap, I always suck at Rock-Paper-Scissors!" Ed complained.

"Really, you should've expected that move when you go against someone called Slicer."

"One more time! Three, two, one, shoo- WHOA!" As Ed swung his arm to shoot (Paper), his right arm loosened a bit out of place, just as Slicer was bringing a sword down to Ed's head. "Hey time out, time out, my shoulder's not working!"

The enemy stopped his sword. "Well it'd be unsporting to take advantage of you when you're clearly disabled beyond your control. But the deed must be done."

Ed had a quick, mental freak out. He needed to stall. "Um… Wouldn't you rather explain your past to me before you killed me?"

"If you ignored it earlier, that's your own fault."

"(Crap, he already did that!) Tell me your motivation in life? Or afterlife, whichever this is for you?"

"Already mentioned with the job complaint. Sword time now."

"UHHHHHHH- Don't I get a last request?"

"It's hardly believable that any request you have is palatable for our situation and at this hour."

"Come on, anything?" Ed was running out of ideas.

"Well you can have a moment to pray to your god."

"Aw great, Scar all over again.

Slicer didn't know what Ed meant. "What was that?"

"Eh don't worry about it, it's a long story. What I mean is-" Ed interrupted himself by swinging his blade arm (albeit with less control than he'd like) at Slicer. The living armor blocked with his own sword just in time though.

"Ah pragmatic fighting. He'd have been done for if weren't for his quick reflexes."

"My reflexes weren't that quick." Ed said, modestly. "But why are you narrating my actions?"

"I wasn't talking about you."

"… That reminds me, I wonder how Al's holding up. Is there a loudspeaker system I could use to check up on him?"

"Yes, but it's for authorized personnel only. Which you are not. That's kind of the reason we're eliminating you. But don't worry, your brother will be reunited with you in death's cold embrace before long. Granted my partner's kind of… not entirely there in terms of mental capacity, but if your brother is as good a fighter as you, it'd still be a million years too early for him to take on Sixty-Six, regardless of whether or not he's just armor."

"Shows what you know! I've never once won a sparring match against my brother! … Wow I suck… Did I just admit all that?"

"Oh so it appears the best fighters of each team are taking on the worst fighters of their opposing team. Interesting. But you forget we're all seasoned killers. There will be snow in the summertime before your brother can win that fight."

...

"Alphonse PUNCH!" Al shouted, punching 66 right in the face, knocking him down.

"Owwww! No fair! Why can't you just let me kill you? Is that asking too much, boy?"

"It's asking everything!"

"Oh kids today, they're just so JADED!" On that word, 66 took another swing at Al, but another attack from the boy, and his helmet came clean off, revealing himself as another suit of armor with no one inside. Of course, Al noticed.

"Hey, you're just like me!"

"I'm not stupid and annoying!" 66 missed the point. Al was not amused.

"… I was talking about being a suit of armor. And yes. Yes you are stupid and annoying."

"Want to hear about my past?" asked 66 as he picked his helmet up and put it back on. Before Al could answer, the criminal said, " Too late, I'm telling you anyway!"

...

_"Once upon a time there was a man named Barry! He was very handsome and smart and handsome! And do you know what he did in life? He cut things! He cut the lawn, he cut carrots, and he cut corners! But most importantly he cut… no, that's not the right word… he CHOPPED meat! And he loved it! He loved chopping meat! Just the word 'chop' sent him into a daydream! The sound and sight and feel of a knife cutting through thick meat, it's euphoric!_

_…Er, anyway he got a job as a butcher. But when one client gave Barry sass, do you think he took it sitting down? No way! After all that hard work he put into preparing the meat for the client? Not in his butchery! So what if the place wasn't sanitary and the meat wasn't clean? Clients who give sass lose a limb! Then Barry decided that cutting people was awesome. So then he became a killer, chopped 23 people into tiny pieces, and got executed later on. Oh, and something about winning a marathon in West City, but you're much too young for that sort of tale."_

...

"And do you know where Barry is now, little boy?"

Al thought for a few seconds. "… Right in front of-"

"HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!" announced #66, Barry the Chopper. "The infamous legend himself!"

"I already guessed that! And besides… I've never actually even heard of you before." Al admitted.

Barry didn't like that someone hadn't heard of him. "Well okay I might've exaggerated. Maybe I'm not known _country-wide_, but I do have quite a bit of a following in various cults and gangs around the state."

"Nope, still never heard of you."

Barry changed the subject. "… That reminds me, you're a suit of armor? So why haven't you stopped me from trying to kill you? I mean surely that means you must be working for us. Don't you think it's a bit irresponsible to let your colleague try to kill you and not even remind him you're on his side?"

"No I'm not with you guys!" Al yelled.

"Oh that makes sense then. So before I chop you to scrap metal, how _did_ you get into your situation?"

"My brother bonded my soul to this armor after a failed transmutation."

"Oh… You're one of… _those_…"

"Alchemist?"

"No, a golem! A moving body with no real soul!"

Al tried to correct Barry by saying, "I'm not sure if that's exactly the definition of a-"

But Barry interrupted him. "Nope you're totally a false person! Your 'brother' must've lost his brother during the transmutation and then crafted you out of desperation and loneliness!"

Al put his hands on his hips. "Is that so? Based on what information?" Barry had to stop for a second to think.

"Well…"

"I'm waiting, Mr. Chopper."

"Don't say 'chopper', it gives me urges. Oh! I know! What color am I thinking of?"

"Blood red." Al answered, thinking it fit in with Barry's murderous tendencies.

"Aha! That proves it! Only false people would pick that answer! It's scientifically proven in all the big research books!"

"But-" Al didn't get to finish.

"Face it boyo, you're not of this world! Live it, love it, and let me chop you out of your misery!"

"Wait, what about my memories?"

"Pffft, yeah like that's a good basis for argument! I clearly remember being a brunette in life. All pictures of me show that I had blonde hair, but that's not how I remember it at all! Your memory isn't a reliable source!"

"But Winry and Granny-"

"They're both in on this conspiracy your 'brother' has initiated! Are you sure that you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?"

"Are you sure _you're_ not fake? Maybe the prison staff just read about Barry the Chopper in the newspaper and figured that it would be a good basis for the new guard they were creating!"

"Hey guys what's happenin'?" asked the guard. This man was unlucky however, in that he was met with a knife right through the face, resulting in death. Barry calmly went over to pick up the knife as he answered Al's question.

"Well that's easy. See I got an adrenaline rush from that knife sort of penetrating his face, as with all manner of chopping and cutting. Only Barry the Chopper would feel that."

"Well if that's your reasoning then I have plenty of examples that prove-"

"I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG, I'M REAL, AND YOU'RE FAKE! DEAL WITH IT!" Barry screamed as he ran up to Al, ready to kill him.

...

Ed and Slicer were just chilling in the room with the transmutation circle. Ed was curious about something. "Hey Slicer, how come we've just been doing nothing for the past few minutes?"

"That's not important right now." answered the killer, raising his sword.

"Okay but I know something that is important." Ed told Slicer.

"Oh? What's that?"

"BALANCE!" Ed shouted. He swept Slicer's leg with his own, bringing the animated armor down. As the armor fell, Ed punched the helmet off the top, and sending it flying across the room. It hit a pillar.

"Ow! I'm hurt! … Sort of, I don't feel anything ever, but I imagine it would hurt." said Slicer's lone helmet. "Good move, though. Clever lead-in."

"Thanks, I pride myself in making things like that up on the fly."

"Well they always say pride before the fall. And here comes your fall, because we're not finished."

"Oh yes we are."

"No, I refer not to you and I… but him and I."

"Whatchu talkin' about, Slicer?" Ed looked over his shoulder to find Slicer's body still standing and swinging his sword.

"****!" Ed quickly got out of the way. "When the part of Al that has the blood seal on it is disconnected from the rest of the armor, the other pieces can't still move! So what gives?"

A new voice spoke to Ed.

"Well you see, this part of the armor moves because of my blood seal, it was never his! Now stand like a man and DIE!"

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Slicer<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Barry the Chopper<em>  
>…<p>"Wait, there's two of you?"<p>

Slicer's helmet responded. "Well I've always vaguely alluded to it. Why do you think in situations where I would refer to myself as "I", I kept saying "we"? And so forth. "We want a paycheck. We have to kill you."

"I… just assumed you meant yourselves as an organization. Or maybe you meant you and the guy outside."

"Oh yeah I was totally Slicer's helper. See we are actually The Slicer Brothers." the body spoke.

**Name - Slicer the Younger**  
><strong>Specialty - Slicing<strong>  
><strong>Note - Less refined than his brother<strong>

"So why haven't you spoken at all until now?" Ed asked. Slicer the Younger just shrugged. Slicer the Elder brought everyone back on task.

"Well the important thing- besides balance- is that my brother kills you now. Preferably after putting me back where I belong."

"The garbage chute?" asked Slicer the Younger, condescendingly.

"No genius, on your shoulders."

"Oh don't you talk to me that way! Only mom could talk to me that way and she's long gone!"

"You're just upset that I was the favorite!" accused Slicer the Elder. This prompted an argument from the body, and the two brothers started arguing back and forth. Ed tried to sneak out, but both of them noticed almost instantly.

"Hey don't think you can get away that easily!" yelled the body as he ran up to Ed. Slicer the Younger got a few good shots in and kicked Ed across the room. "That's the Slicer way! Not giving you any time to transmute!"

"So that's why you allowed him to earlier?" asked Slicer the Elder. The younger brother was furious.

"Hey shut up already!"

"Oww… I liked you better when you were quiet and when I assumed you to just be a body."

"That's it, you die now!" The body charged forth, sword forward.

"I don't… oww… think so… aahhh…" Despite his pain, Ed quickly transmuted, got up, and dodged the sword. He planted his palms right on Slicer the Younger's stomach, blowing the armor body in half, top and bottom. They went flying towards the floor near the helmet.

"Oh my. This is unprecedented." noted the helmet. "Well… I guess you've won."

"Really? You're not telling me that you're triplets and the final Slicer brother is hiding in your collective pants?"

Both Slicers sighed and said at once, "No…" The younger one added on to this.

"Though funny story, we did have a third brother, but he wasn't really into the whole 'killing' thing. So we left him out. Mom tried to force us to include him in our activities, but it didn't work."

"Whatever." Ed answered carelessly.

"So why haven't you killed us?" Slicer the Elder asked.

"Well first, I need information. Second I can't kill people. It's just not right. Besides, isn't killing someone else exactly how you two got into this mess in the first place?"

"Touche." both brothers responded.

"Oh come on, it's not like we're even people anymore!" the younger brother's remains called out. "Just do it!"

"But if you're not human then what does that make my brother, chopped liver?"

"… Well if Barry got him, then technically yes-" but Slicer the Younger was interrupted by Ed.

"No. I'm not killing you two, get over it."

The two were disappointed. "Awww…"

...

"Come on, little puppet, fight back!"

"I'm not a puppet!" Al yelled.

"Really? Are you sure that you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?" Barry asked.

"Quit asking that exact same question a thousand times!"

"NEVEEEEER!"

They kept fighting.

"You know, Hal-" Barry started, "if you destroy your blood seal, then you can find out if you're real or not."

"No!"

...

Both Slicers were just sitting or laying where they were left from their fight with Ed. Ed was focused on resting and getting answers.

"Now… tell me what I want to know."

Slicer the Elder considered this. "Well I like you, sir. You put up a good fight, and you're actually a good listener when I complain about my job." He was unaware that Ed only pretended to care about Slicer's job. "And on top of all that, you treat me and my brother with more decency now than anyone has ever in our lives."

"Well that last part might be our own fault, what with becoming killers…" Slicer the Younger pointed out. The helmet ignored him.

"Very well. I'll tell you everything. See there's this being named Fa- OHH!" Slicer the Elder was cut off. A long, dark spike penetrated his helmet from behind. This destroyed his blood seal and sent the older brother back to the afterlife. Ed was shocked by this turn of events.

"Hey what's the big idea- WHOA." Ed noticed two mysterious people. They were Lust and Envy, but he'd never met them, so he didn't know.

"Well, looks like we showed up just in time. It's a shame, that helmet had a really attractive voice…"

"How come you never compliment my voice?" Envy asked, indignantly.

"I don't know. I guess even I have standards." said Lust.

"Grrr! Whatever, let's just focus on the candidate!"

"Candidate?" Ed repeated. Slicer the Younger pointed to himself.

"Me? I didn't know I was running for something."

"Say, kid… how old are you?" Lust asked.

"F-f-f-fun-bags- I MEAN FIFTEEN! I'M FIF-TIT-FIFTEEN! I'M FIFTEEN! Urrrr…. hydrogen, nitrogen, potassium, platinum, copper, radon, lithium, mercury, beryllium, magnesium-

"Shame, too young." Lust lamented. "Well not too young to be candidate, but…"

"Oh boo-hoo, cry me a river! Slicer was about to kill the pipsqueak!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL MEEEEEE?" Ed was furious. "Look mammary- I mean look, ma'am. I don't know what you and your pet palm tree want, but I'm not in the mood for this right now!"

Envy picked up the Slicer Brothers' sword and stabbed Slicer the Younger's blood seal repeatedly, until the killer was no more. "That's what you get for killing the candidate!"

"Who are you weirdoes?" Ed asked.

"NOT NOW PIPSQUEAK! YOU AND YOUR GLORIOUS GOLDEN LOCKS ARE NOT BETTER THAN MINE! THEY'RE NOT! SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GLOATING! YOU SUCK!"

"Grr…. I'll never forgive you for killing those noble men… who happened to be killers… who were out to get me until I luckily managed to overpower them… Well they were pleasant about it, at least! I didn't want to fight before? Forget about it! It's on!" Ed clapped his hands… and his automail arm become significantly looser than it already was. Ed only had control of his fingers at this point.

"…. Well?" Lust asked. "Waiting is a turn-off for me."

"Uhh, hold on, my arm kind of… Well…" Ed tried to fix his situation, but Envy started cheering.

"Lucky meeee!"

"Huh?" Ed and Lust said at once. Envy need Ed right in the stomach, knocking him out.

"… What was that all about?"

"Well I only let him off with that since his arm was already broken. Slicer and Slicer already did a number on him." Envy explained.

"Whatever, let's just destroy this place now. I'm freezing."

But in response, Envy just rolled his eyes and picked up Ed, all the while muttering something about Lust finding a scarf or a dress with a higher cut.

"What was that, Envy? For a second there it sounded like you were saying something vaguely negative about me. If that were the case, I'd have to kill you."

"Uhh… I said you looked good in this lighting?"

"Sure I'll buy that. Now go." Lust said, unconvinced.

...

Al was having second thoughts about his identity. "Am I sure that I'm not a puppet created and controlled by my so-called brother?"

"That's what I want to know!" Barry said.

_BANG!_ Two bullets shot the knife out of Barry's right hand, making holes through it.

"Eh?" Barry turned to notice Brosh and Ross.

"No! We're _not_ letting you kill him! I refuse to paint a watercolor portrait of shirtless Major Armstrong!" Brosh scolded. Both Barry and Al were confused. Before anyone could question it, the ground started shaking. The lab was crumbling, falling to pieces!

"Ahahahaha! They broke it, they broke it! Sweet freedom! I'm unemployed now! I can continue chopping people at random! So long, suckers!" Barry laughed with glee as he ran from the building, off to who-knows-where.

"AAAAAHHH! I SET IT OFF TOO EARLY! IF I DON'T MOVE IT, I'M GONNA GET LOST IN HERE TOO!" Envy's voice was heard, though no one knew who he was.

"Who's that?" Ross asked, accurately enough. Envy simply ran past Al, dropping Ed off in the younger brother's grasp.

"There'syourbrotherthinknothingofit'kaythanksbye!" the jealous one said in one breath, panicking.

"Who was that mysterious stranger? He seemed nice." Brosh noted.

"I dunno, he kind of gave off the vibe that says 'everyone is better than me'." Rosh said. "Well either way we've got Ed, now let's get the heck out of dodge!"

"I don't know what that means, but it sounds good!"

Ross, Brosh, and Al carrying Ed all ran away from the Fifth Laboratory as it was demolished.

...

The prisoners next door could hear the implosions. It made them restless, but one prisoner in particular loved it more than any of the others.

"Oh I do love me some explosions…"

The nearby guard scoffed. "Nice try, Kimblee. But these are implosions. So don't get excited."

"Same thing, really. An implosion is just an explosion that seeks to stray from the path of a normal explosion by moving in a new direction. In a sort of individualist sense, it's the greatest kind of explosion of all."

"You're just making up **** as you say it, aren't you?" the guard asked.

"Improvisation divides the real thinkers from the arrogant, false thinkers."

"Yep, you're just making it up. Or you've planned a response for every possible thing I'd ever say to you."

"Well it's not like I have anything else to do." Kimblee responded. "Now shut up, I'm reliving the time I killed all those people in Ishval. … Good times…" Kimblee fondly recalled his past.

Al was still helping Brosh and Ross escape from the prison, but Barry's conspiracy still rang in his head.

_Are you sure that you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?_

…  
>USO<br>…

Hughes was still on the phone.

"Ya know Roy, thanks to Scar killing some of the senior staff, you could probably weasel your way in here. Wink-wink."

Over the phone, Mustang's voice sounded pleased. "Oh really? Forgive me for saying this, but thank Lito for murder. … I'm sure that statement will never come back to haunt me in the near future."

"It's spelled with an 'e'. Leto's name." Hughes corrected.

"But… How would you… What does that… Can you even… Fine, why not?" Mustang gave up on trying to figure out what just happened.

"So Roy…"

"Yeah?" Mustang was still on the other end of the line.

"… _Now_ you'll tell me about you and the Lieutenant, right? … Roy? … Hello? Roy? Yoohoo! Buddy? … Must've hung up. Maybe the connection failed. I'll try again."

"I… don't think that's a good idea." said the secretary.

...

_Next time, Alphonse isn't sure of whether or not he is a puppet created and controlled by Edward. Oh and Hughes does some stuff._

(Find the Mario reference if you can.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers**


	9. Created Feelings

AGAIN  
>Episode 9: Al Might Be a Puppet<p>

_Previously on Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, in a nutshell-_  
><em>"Are you sure that you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?"<em>

Ed was in the hospital once more, and he was not enjoying himself. He sighed.

"Guys… I want you to be honest… What happened to the Fifth Laboratory?"

"Oh… it kind of… imploded…" Brosh answered.

"Noooo! How come nothing ever goes right for me?" Ed complained. "Well wait there was that one time, I conned this random loser out of owning a mining town, that went right for me. But it was insignificant."

"Hey Ed guess what." Ross said.

"What?" Ed asked. He received a slap across the face, courtesy of Ross. "Ow, that stung with mild discomfort! What's the big idea?"

"How about you man up and do what Major Armstrong tells you? He said to wait, so you wait! If it weren't for the weird palm tree-haired person of ambiguous gender, you wouldn't have made it out alive!" Ross scolded. Ed looked down to his lap, ashamed. She was completely right.

"… All right, I kind of see what you're talking about. That reminds me, where's Al?"

This time, Brosh spoke. "Well we tried giving him the same lecture, but…

…

_Brosh walked up to Al._

_"You know Al, last night you really-"_

_"NOT NOW, I'M HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS! WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"_

…

"I think he's got his own thing to worry about." said Brosh. "Wow it just hit me, we're behaving wildly out of conduct, yelling at Ed like this."

"That's right… What punishment should I have for slapping you, sir?"

"I dunno, I thought we all agreed that I deserved it. Um… I dunno, play Rock-Paper-Scissors with Brosh and force yourself to lose? I'm not really up to punishing people, it's just not right, especially since you were justified. Why would I have the authority to punish you anyway?"

"State Alchemists are on the same level as Majors." Brosh explained. "You have as much authority as Major Armstrong. … Which reminds me, Maria, we're going to have to gather supplies for our punishment."

"Oh yeah…"

"I thought I said I wasn't punishing you." a confused Ed said. Ross cleared things up.

"No, we mean our punishment from Major Armstrong for letting you escape. He's making us go on a picnic with him, our treat. … He gives weird punishments. He's secretly very lonely."

Ed nodded his head. "I gathered… Aw d***it, now I have to deal with someone else… My bones shake at the very thought…"

…

A phone rang, and Winry answered it. "Hello, Rockbell Prosthetic Limb Outfitters. If you're calling about the boingy thing, my grandma says that you should never call again. Whatever all that means."

Ed's nervous voice was heard on the other side of the phone.

"Umm… Hi Winry…"

"Oh hi Ed!"

"Hi… I can't lift my arm. I can only move my fingers." Ed was nervous still.

"So? I gave you a perfectly good arm, you can still use that one."

"… That's the arm I was talking about, genius!"

"I know I'm just teasing. This probably has to do with the screw."

"The what?"

Winry caught herself. "Nothing! Where are you? … Central? Okay I'll be there…" She hung up and sighed. "… I get to ride a train, whee!"

…

Brosh was pushing Ed around the hospital's hallways via wheelchair, but the older one was clearly unhappy.

"Come on sir, let me go faster! You can pretend you're in a rocket chair!"

Ed crossed his arms. "No! Last two times we played Pretend Rocket Chair, you got distracted by something shiny, and I fell down a flight of stairs!"

"Killjoy. Oh hey look, it's Al."

Ed and Brosh stopped to notice Al sitting in the dark in a small hallway.

"Hey Al, why are you-"

"NOT NOW BROTHER, I'M HAVING AN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN!"

"… Um… Okay. I'll just leave you to your puberty. … All right Denny, you have one more chance."

"Yay! Wheeee!" Brosh started zooming down the hall, pushing Ed's chair. They were out of sight, but their voices were still audible. "Oh hey, a Cen!"

"Uh-oh… Aaaaaaaahhhh!"

Al was too lost in thought to hear the crash, let alone care.

_Are you sure that you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?_

"No… For some reason." Al answered the internal question.

…

Central Station. Winry got off the train, and she had her supplies with her.

"Now… I just have to find the person Ed said I needed to look out for… Oh." She saw Major Armstrong stick out in the crowd like a sore thumb. "Hi Major Armstrong!"

"Greetings, Winry Rockbell! It would appear we meet again!"

Winry crossed through the crowd, passing through a lot of people. "Excuse me, pardon me."

"Hey watch where you're going! I didn't survive the Briggs Mountains to get pushed around in a train station!"

"Izumi, don't get so worked up, you were happy a minute ago."

"You're right, dear."

Winry finally made it to Armstrong. "So where is Ed?"

…

"EDWARD, WHAT DID YOU DO?" Winry and Armstrong made it to Ed's hospital room, though it was hard to tell if she was furious, scared, or distraught. Ed thought the former.

"Uhh… Well there was these guys named Slicer-"

"I'm not asking what these Slicer guys did, I'm asking what you did!"

"Oh we get to play the 'what you did, what he did' game again. Long story short, I got into a fight. You should've seen me Winry, I was awesome! Totally kicked his ***. But then this supermodel and an androgynous palm tree walked in, and then my arm came loose, and next thing I know, I'm in here."

"(Oh no… He got hurt because I didn't do good enough on his arm!)" Winry thought to herself, upset that her forgetfulness may have lead Ed to his downfall.

"… Why are you slouching like that? … You don't think it's your fault, do you? I remember them saying that they let me off with what they did because my arm was broken, so-"

"Phew, I don't have to worry then. … Hey! You didn't drink your milk, Edward!" Winry said.

Ed pouted. "I don't have to if I don't want to! Amestris is a free country!"

"But Edward Elric, wouldn't you wish to grow up to be as big and strong as myself?" Armstrong asked, as he took off his shirt and flexed.

"Um… No. No Major, no I don't. … WAIT, ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M NOT BIG? ARE YOU CALLING ME A MICROBE OR SOME KIND OF DWARF PARTICLE?"

"(Never a dull moment…)" Brosh and Ross thought at once. Then they all noticed Al peeking into the door. Ed greeted him.

"Oh hey A-"

"STOP TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT HERE, YOU'RE CRAZY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Al screamed all at once, running away.

…

Al was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror.

_Are you sure you're not a puppet created and controlled by your so-called brother?_

"I… I… I-"

_WELL? I AIN'T GOT ALL DAY, I'VE GOT CIVILIANS TO CHOP!_

"I DON'T KNOOOOOW! WAAAAAA-HAH-HAH! THIS IS THE THIRD-WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Al ran out of the bathroom, crying. This caught someone's attention.

"Hey keep it down! Some of us are trying to needlessly write naughty words and racial slurs in the stall here, and we'd appreciate it if you kept the noise down! Thank you! … Sheesh, some people are so inconsiderate these days…"

…

Winry finished Ed's arm. "There you go! That'll do it!"

"Nice! And it's shiny!" Ed rotated his arm to get the feel of it again, when Hughes burst into the room.

"Howdy guys, it's Maes Hughes, but you knew that already! … Except you!" Hughes walks over to Winry to profusely shake her hand. "Hi!"

"Um… Hi." Winry responded, nervous due to the fact that some stranger came from nowhere and singled her out.

"I'm Maes Hughes! … Hey Ed, you shouldn't need to be kept under guard for much longer!"

"That's fantastic!" Ed cheered.

"What? Just what have you been getting into, Ed?" asked Winry. Ed thought about it for a minute, but decided she wouldn't like any answer he'd give, if she'd even take any of them.

"Um… Well… You wouldn't accept it even if I told you."

"… Whatever…" Winry knew to pick her battles, and this argument she could've had with Ed wouldn't be worth anyone's time or effort. "Well I've got to find a place to stay until tomorrow's train leaves."

"Ooh, ooh! Me! Pick me!" Hughes said. Winry decided to humor him.

"Um… What is it?"

"You could stay with my family until then!"

"No I'm sure your family wouldn't appreciate if I just suddenly-" Winry was cut off by Hughes, as he grabbed her and dragged her out of the room.

"I won't take 'no' for an answer!"

"… Okay… Bye Ed. If you see Al, tell him I said bye." Winry said. Ed just waved awkwardly, knowing she'll suffer in a similar fashion as he and Al did back during the escapade with the Freezing Alchemist. Ed thought for a minute.

"Hey wait… isn't today Hughes's kid's birthday? Going by that one time I stayed at that one guy's house… Hey, today's my birthday! Where's my cake?" Ed complained.

…

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" many people cheered. The Hughes family was having a birthday party for the youngest Hughes, Elicia.

"Make a wish!" Hughes told his child.

"Okay daddy!" Elicia said. She was standing on a chair to reach her cake, but she was terrible at blowing out candles, so it took her mother's help.

"Yaaaay!" everyone but the birthday girl and a confused Winry said upon the candles being blown out.

"Mr. Hughes, are you sure I should really be here? You seem to have something important going on, it's really no trouble to find a hotel…" Winry stated. "Besides, I didn't even get to buy a present for your daughter."

"Nonsense! The more the merrier!"

Winry kneeled down to Elicia's level. "So how old are you?"

"I'm three! … No I'm two! …... NOI'MTHREE!"

…  
>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Hughes Family<br>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Winry Rockbell  
>…<p>

"So yeah, I pretty much knew Ed and Al my entire life." Winry told Hughes. "Hey Mr. Hughes, how come Ed and Al don't speak up when there's something on their minds?"

"Men prefer to let actions speak louder than words." Hughes told the girl. Three little boys ran up to Hughes. One of them spoke up.

"Can we pway wif Elicia?"

"BOY, I'MMA SHOOT YOU!" Hughes roared as readied his gun. Everyone else in the room was justifiably freaked out.

…

The next morning, Winry and Hughes were ready to leave. But Gracia was worried about Winry.

"Are you sure? We don't mind having you again."

"Well I already finished helping Ed, so there's really-"

"Will you pwease stay with us again? Pweeeeeeeeeease?" Elicia gave Winry either sad puppy eyes or a happy toddler face. Either way, the mechanic was persuaded.

"Oh, what's the harm?" Winry decided.

"Yaaay!" Elicia and Hughes cheered at once. The wife just smiled. Maes Hughes was certainly her daughter's father.

…

Ed was in his room again. Al had finally worked up the nerve to be in the same room with him, but he was still repeating Barry's question in his mind, over and over. Ed was given his meal, and there was milk.

"MILK, I'MMA SHOOT YOU!" Ed roared. The milk bottle, however, just sat there in silence. Cold silence for a cold drink. It was mocking Ed, and he knew it. "Boy Al, the last thing I'd ever do is trivialize your situation, but I am a bit jealous that you never have to drink milk." Al felt insulted. He sat in silence for a few minutes.

Brosh and Ross let Winry and Hughes into the room. The first thing they happen to hear was Al talking. Whatever Al had to say, it seemed important.

"I'M JUST A PUPPET CREATED AND CONTROLLED BY YOU, MY SO-CALLED BROTHER! ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT YOU FIIIIIIIIEND!"

"…. Wait, what?" Ed was confused.

"YOU NEVER HAD A BROTHER, YOU JUST FELT LIKE CRAFTING SOME KIND OF MINION TO DO YOUR BIDDING AND MAKE FINDING YOUR ARM AND LEG EASIER! … MAYBE YOU DID HAVE A BROTHER, BUT IT'S NOT ME! YOU JUST GAVE ME MEMORIES BASED OFF OF THE BROTHER YOU ONCE HAD! AND WINRY AND GRANNY ARE IN ON IT!

"Uh, _NO_!" Ed spoke belittlingly. "(Where on Earth is he getting this nonsense?)"

"DON'T HIDE IT, 'BROTHER'! I KNOW THE TRUTH! AN INSANE CRIMINAL WITH AN ADDICTION TO CHOPPING PEOPLE TOLD ME SO!"

"Alphonse Elric, who are you going to believe? Some crazy guy like that, or your brother who's been by your side for your entire life? … On second thought, don't answer that." Ed said.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, EDWARD ELRIC? WHAT? YOU EVIL LITTLE HUMAN!" Al screamed.

"…. Oh it's go-time. I will see you on the roof!" Ed sat up and stormed out of the room, ignoring everyone present. Winry pulled a wrench from her case and proceeded to smack Al upside the helmet with it.

"Hey, what was that for?" Al asked.

"OH WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU IDIOT?" was she… starting to cry?

Ross whispered to Brosh and Hughes. "This is getting awkward… we should go. Now."

"No way, it's either be here or go on that picnic with Major Armstrong!" Brosh whispered back.

"You have some nerve to think that way, Alphonse! Ed was worried you'd be mad at him, but do you know why?"

"… Because this would happ-" Al started to answer, but he was interrupted.

"NO! He was afraid that you were mad at him, since the transmutation that cost you your body was his idea! He's the kind of person who'd blame himself, so that's what he was worried about!"

…

_Ed was getting his automail arm, but he was clearly devastated. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH! WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LITTLE BABY BROTHER? I'VE RUINED HIS LIFE, HE'S AN EMPTY SUIT OF ARMOR AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!_

_"Eh don't worry about it, Al's the 'easy come, easy go' type. He'll get over it within a week." Pinako reassured._

_"B-b-but what if-"_

_"No more 'what ifs', now hold still, because this will pinch like a ***ch." Pinako said as she was about to get started._

…

"… Ohhhh… That actually makes a lot of sense…" Al realized. "… Oops."

"OOPS? THIS IS A LOT MORE THAN JUST 'OOPS', YOU ARE GOING TO THE ROOF AND APOLOGIZING TO YOUR BROTHER, YOUNG MAN!" Winry shouted through her tears.

"Eek! Yes ma'am!"

…

Ed was on the roof.

"Stupid milk truck…" It wasn't long before Al appeared.

"Um… Hi, Brother."

"SPARRING, 3-2-1-GO!"

"Huh?" Before the younger brother could react, Ed leaped at Al, knocking him over. "OOF!"

"Ha! I win! Eat it!" But Ed got over it and lied down with his brother. "Remember all those times we'd argue?"

"Yes."

Ed asked another question. "Remember when we'd argue and then Teacher would yell at us and threaten to send us to the Briggs Mountains?"

"Yes."

"Remember when we argued about whether cats or dogs are better?"

"Yes. And cats for the win, by the way."

"Remember when we'd spend the day playing with Winry?"

"Yes."

"Remember when we used to have school and friends?"

"Yes."

"Remember when we stayed at that guy's house while I was preparing for my alchemy exam for my certification?"

"Yes."

"Well I don't! I take your word for it, but I honestly don't remember. All those memories you have, and some that I don't! Al, you know that you're not a puppet created and controlled by me."

"… Yeah I was kind of stupid to believe him."

"Next time someone messes with your head like that, let me know. I'll set them straight just like I set that bottle of milk straight!"

"You just glared at it, Brother."

"I would've set it straight if this little episode of self doubt hadn't interrupted me!"

"… Sorry, Brother."

"Eh it's cool. … This roof is very uncomfortable for my back."

By this point, Winry and Hughes made it to the roof.

"Awww they made up! Isn't that sweet?" Hughes asked. Ed noticed.

"WE'RE NOT SOME KIND OF SOAP OPERA, YOU KNOW!"

…

_Scar was all alone in the desert. He was upset. "Where… Where is everyone?"_

_"Dead. It was glorious, you should've seen it." someone answered. It sounded like that prisoner named Kimblee. Scar looked around until he saw this man on top of a cliff._

_"… Who are y-"_

_"SIR, I'MMA EXPLODE YOU!" Kimblee roared._

_"Sir, I am disappoint." Scar lamented._

Scar woke up in a tent. He was dreaming.

"What a dream… Almost as bad as that dream where I killed some doctors."

"He's awake!" a boy's voice was heard. Scar noticed two other Ishvalans. One was a boy, another was an old man.

"Hey don't you worry, you're in a slum full of your fellow people. And one non-Ishvalan who perpetually complains. You'll be fine." the old man assured. The boy spoke next.

"We were in the sewers for some reason and then we found you floating in the water. You looked like you almost died."

"I did almost die…" Scar said. "I remember this fat man and this woman with claws. They tried to kill me, but I had barely escaped. I gave them a moment to pray to God, and they took an hour, so to speak."

The boy noticed Scar's right arm and the tattoos all over it. "What's with the tattoos?"

"My brother. That's all I'm going to say."

…  
>USO<p>

Next time… well… I will never forgive Envy.

_(Winry talking about the "boingy thing" is a reference to a rather funny FMA story on this site. Also the reason they keep repeating Barry's question was exaggerating how many times they repeated it in this episode and the previous one.)_

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers**


	10. Separate Destinations

Episode 10: The Green-Eyed Monster Strikes

_It was in the middle of the Ishvalan Civil War, or more accurately, the Ishvalan War of Extermination. Mustang was walking through the desert. Eventually all the soldiers of the battle were gathered together. Mustang approached Hughes._

_"So Hughes, I'm thinking of an idea. If I can become the new Fuhrer, I can make sure something like this never happens again. I'll be able to look after my top men, who will look after their men, who will look after theirs, and we'll all look after the civilians."_

_Hughes looked up from a picture of his girlfriend, Gracia. "Huh, what? That sounds like a pyramid scheme. I'm in!"_

_"Oh Hughes… I can only imagine how good it must feel to be at the top." Mustang and Hughes looked at Fuhrer Bradley as he stood with other officials. The Fuhrer responded._

_"Yes it is quite nice up here. We've got air conditioning! And that hasn't even been invented yet! I'm that powerful!" Bradley boasted to Mustang and Hughes from his spot._

"Colonel, wake up." Hawkeye told Mustang. The Colonel returned to the world of consciousness, his office.

"Oh I must've been dozing off because I can't get any sleep at nights. I'm excited about my transfer to Central, you see."

"I know, sir. You've been bragging about it all day, every day for a week now."

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

Ed and Al were in Ed's hospital room once more. Ed was showing Hughes and Armstrong a drawing of Envy and Lust. The Lust sketch looked poorly-drawn while the Envy sketch was literally a (detailed) palm tree with a headband.

"At least… I think that's what the shorter one looked like. I don't quite remember." Ed concluded.

"So…" Hughes started, "If I have this right, you came into this room with a transmutation circle for turning people into Philosopher's Stones. Then a guard attacked you. Afterward, two people with weird tattoos came in and killed the guard for almost killing you, then they beat you up, but kept you alive."

"That's about it." Al confirmed. Armstrong was rubbing his chin.

"This is most intriguing. I don't think even my personal sparkles will be enough to solve this mystery." Armstrong proceeded to pace back and forth. In the hall, Brosh was trying to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"Hey what do you think they're saying?" asked Brosh. But Ross wasn't listening.

"Nuh-uh! I'm not getting involved any more than I am now!"

"Oh come on!"

"Not listening!" Ross taunted as she covered her ears.

Bradley walked up to the duo. "Hey lady, is this the Fullmetal Alchemist's room?" But the Fuhrer received no answer. "Ma'am you'd best answer me before I chop you into kibbles and bits."

"Uh, sir, she's not listening, it's a superstitious thing or something." Brosh explained. "But yes, this is his room."

"Coolio." Bradley gave Brosh a thumbs up and barged into Ed's room. "The King has entered the building."

"FUHRER BRADLEY?" Hughes, Armstrong, and the Elric Brothers shouted in unison, shocked that a man of such status graced them with his presence and saluted.

"Your Excellency, for what occasion would you-" Armstrong started to ask, but Bradley cut him off.

"Thank you for calling me excellent, but we have no time for flattery. So I heard Ned here got himself into a ruckus at the Fifth Laboratory and there were deaths involved. I wish I could've been there. … Mmm, death…. Er, anyway, here." Bradley shoved a watermelon into Ed's hands. "I heard they're all the rage with kids these days, now you can have one of your own."

"Um… What?" Ed asked. Then he remembered who he was talking to. "Uh- Thank you, sir!" Bradley turned away from Ed, to which the latter sighed in relief.

"So what's going on?"

Hughes was the one to answer Bradley. "We're wondering about all these weird people guarding the Fifth Laboratory, Your Excellency." This caused the Fuhrer to turn back to Ed.

"So Ted here learned some things about the Philosopher's Stone? What do you know, Ted? And if you know too much, there's gonna be a bloodbath." Things were awkward in the room for a few minutes. Then everyone burst into laughter. After the group laughing fit, Bradley was the first to compose himself. "But no seriously, I'll kill everyone in this room."

Ed gulped. "Well… I guess you already know the part about souls-"

"Yeah old news." Bradley brushed off. Just tell me anything you've learned after your trip to the Fifth Laboratory!"

"Oh. Nothing, sir." Ed answered.

"Good. All right everyone, gather around." At this order, Ed, Al, Hughes, and Armstrong all grouped in way too close for Bradley's comfort. "Um… too close." They all stepped back. "That's better. Anyway, let's keep all this mumbo jumbo to ourselves, all right? Good."

"What do you mean?" Hughes asked.

"Well… we can't trust anyone. Who knows how far this goes?" Bradley asked. Al didn't understand.

"But wait, if you're in charge and you don't know how this goes, what does that mean about our government-"

"Cool story bro." Bradley told Al. "Like I was saying, speak to this of no one, not even your direct superiors. All right, nice talk. King Bradley awaaaay!"

The Furher ran to the window and jumped out. "Ow! I forgot it was closed… and that it's on the first floor. I wanted it to be higher! I'd look cooler! Oh well…" Then Bradley turned back. "Oh and I was… uh, I was just kidding about killing you guys. Okay bye."

Bradley walked away, whistling the Gourmet Race theme from Kirby, as the four other men watched in awe and concern for their leader's mental stability. Then Winry came in.

"Hi everyone, what's going on?"

"We're still trying to figure it out." Al said. Winry gave Ed some tickets.

"Well I got those train tickets you wanted."

"What be this? Are the Elric Brothers off on another journey?" asked Armstrong.

"Huh? Yeah Al and I are gonna go visit our old teacher."

"Brother, what if she yells at us and talks about how she went to the Briggs Mountains again?"

"I don't know Al, but it's our only choice!"

"The Briggs Mountains, eh?" Armstrong asks. "You know, I have a sis-"

"Cool story bro." Ed said. "Well I guess we should start getting ready. Dublith's very far from here."

"Dublith?" Winry repeated in confusion. She thought for a minute. "That means… RUSH VALLEY! IT'S RIGHT ON THE WAY TO DUBLITH! YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME WITH YOU!"

"No." Ed spoke flatly. "Besides, what's so special about a bunch of gear-head rednecks?"

"Those 'rednecks' happen to be the front and foremost premier automail engineers in the country, thank you very much!" Winry answered, offended.

Ed still didn't get it, so Al leaned in and whispered, "Imagine if all the greatest minds in alchemy grouped together and lived somewhere."

"Oh I get it, Winry wants to go there so she can squee at all the professionals. … The answer's still no." Ed said.

"Do it or I'll hit you with a wrench!"

"Big deal, you've hit me with that thing at least a hundred times, I'm becoming immune to it!" But then he saw how disappointed his friend looked. "Oh… fine! But I don't like it!" Hearing this news, Winry ran out of the room, squealing with joy. It was off to the telephone for her, she was going to inform her grandmother.

Hughes put his hand on Ed's shoulder. "She'll be a fine bride for you, Ed."

"We don't like each other like that!" Ed yelled.

"Oh I'd rather gush about my wife anyway! In fact, I will! Sit down gentlemen, this will be a long tale. Once upon a time-"

"Oh dear, I can't be late for that picnic, do enjoy the Lieutenant Colonel's story, Elric Brothers. Ta-ta!" Armstrong left.

…

"Bye-bye Eliciaaaaaaa! Daddy's going to work! Bye-bye!" Hughes hugged his daughter goodbye.

"Bye-bye Daddy! I'm three!"

"You are? You're growing up so fast!" Hughes was playing with his daughter. "Don't grow up so fast that you'll leave the house by the time I'm back, okay?"

"Okay Daddy!"

Hughes then remembered the other young woman. "Oh yeah that reminds me Winry, I won't see you again. So bye!"

"Bye, Mr. Hughes." Winry bowed in respect, though Amestris isn't a country that would have that, which could be a case of creator provincialism on the part of a certain miniature cow. But that's another story.

"Tell Ed and Al I said bye too. Bye Gracia!"

"Bye Maes!"

"Maes Hughes awaaaay!" Hughes left, whistling the same song that King Bradley did earlier.

…

Ross, Brosh, Gracia, Elicia, and Armstrong saw the three teens off as their train left. It took the train a while, and they weren't even halfway to Rush Valley yet. The train even passed a much smaller train with what looked like a little green elf driving it. But no one cared.

"So Ed, why do you two have to meet your old teacher?"

"Don't… Don't call her old, she wouldn't like it." Al said.

Ed was a bit annoyed. "Al, that's not what she meant. Anyway, it's because Al and I suck at fighting-"

"_You_suck Brother, I do pretty well."

"You lost to me the other day, that means you suck!"

"But Brother-"

Ed interrupted. "Also she might know a few things about the Philosopher's Stone. So there's that."

"Brother… She's going to totally kill us for disobeying her and using alchemy to try to resurrect our mom and then joining the military."

"… I know Al. … I know." Ed reached across the booth and patted his brother's leg.

…

That night, Hughes was busy looking through important papers.

**Name - Focker**  
><strong>Specialty - Hiding embarrassment over his unfortunate name<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Go on, make the joke, he's already heard it a thousand times<strong>

"So what's all this, Lieutenant Colonel?" Focker asked Hughes.

"I'M INVESTIGATING THE SUDDEN ACTS OF BLOODSHED SCATTERED AROUND THE COUNTRY!" Hughes announced much louder than he needed to.

"Why… Sir, why are you yelling?"

"I'VE BEEN SLIGHTLY HARD OF HEARING AFTER THAT WILD PARTY THIS AFTERNOON." explained Hughes.

"Oh."

"SAY, SOMETHING JUST DAWNED ON ME. I'M GOING TO THE ARCHIVE ROOM TO INVESTIGATE THIS FUNKY BUSINESS."

"Who still says 'funky', grandpa?"

"WHAT WAS THAT? YOU WANTED TO SEE PICTURES OF MY DAUGHTER? GROOVY, MAYBE LATER. OKAY I'M GOING NOW- Oh hey my hearing's back!"

Hughes walked into the Archive Room and pulled out a large map of Amestris. He then drew out a marker and began marking points on the map.

"Liore… Ishval… the southern border… that bookstore where people were fighting over that vampire book… all these places of bloodshed at genocidal levels… Wait… I used the blue marker instead of the black one. Weird."

The door closed. Hughes looked up from the map. It was Lust.

"Ma'am whatever forbidden love with a higher-up in the military you have planned for this room is going to have to wait, I'm having a breakthrough."

"Oh… But I'm here for you, Maes Hughes. You and your rugged chin. It's attractive…"

"No way. You're not Gracia, so I don't find you attractive in the least. So get out."

"… You know too much, that's why I'm here."

"How did you know what I knew?" Hughes asked.

"You're kidding, right? I could hear you shouting from down the hall. If I wasn't checking in on my brother, then maybe you could've avoided this." Lust told the man. "But it's too late now. You're going to die… and then with your body, I can… No, I need to focus. Stabbing time." Lust's fingers extended into lances.

"Uh-oh."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Maes Hughes<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Roy Mustang<em>  
>…<p>

Hughes escaped from the Archive Room, bleeding heavily from his shoulder.

"Owww! Must… leave… clues…" Hughes rubbed his shoulder against the wall. "Aaaah!" Ignoring the pain that caused him, he limped over to the front office of the building to use the phone. In the Archive Room, Lust had finished pulling a knife from her forehead.

"I love a man with good aim…"

…

The secretary noticed Hughes's shoulder.

"Lieutenant Colonel! You're bleeding!"

"No… it's ketchup… don't worry about it, AAAAH!" He was clearly hurt and lying about it. "Hey wait this is a military line…" Hughes painfully walked out of the building.

…

The wounded man made it all the way to a telephone booth. A voice greeted him.

"Eastern Command, may I take your order?"

"Lemme talk to Roy Mustang, lady! This is a matter of life and death!" Hughes yelled.

"Code?"

"My code? Okay let's see… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start." Hughes told the lady on the other end.

"All right, please wait for five minutes." Hughes was to be connected to Mustang within a matter of minutes, but first he was to listen to elevator music as he waited. During this time, Maria Ross cocked a gun to Hughes's head. For some reason she lacked the mole under her left eye.

"Put the phone down. Now."

"Ross? Why are you- Oh wait false alarm, you're not really Ross." Hughes said. The so-called Second Lieutenant was offended.

"What do you mean? Of course I'm-"

"Then where's your mole?"

"… D***it! I thought I was forgetting something!" said 'Ross' as her voice became a raspier, deeper voice.

Hughes turned back to the phone. "Still on hold? Come on already!" Hughes sighed. "All right weirdo, why don't you just- HUH?" as Hughes turned around, Ross was replaced by Gracia, but the stranger was still holding a gun up to Hughes.

"Good thing I saw that picture of your wife that you dropped, otherwise I couldn't transform into her." said the mysterious shape shifter, whom was obviously Envy. "You wouldn't hit your own wife, would you?"

"Who are you?"

_BANG!_

"You missed." Hughes said.

"LETO **** IT!" Envy cursed.

"Come on, I have a wife and daughter, you wouldn't do this to them, would you?"

"You make a good point. Would I be willing to deprive an innocent family of their loving father-slash-husband?" Said Envy, still in disguise.

…

In Eastern Command, Mustang got connected to Hughes.

"What is it now, Hughes? I have to celebrate going to Central! I swear, if this is about your dau-"

"HA-HA! I KILLED MAES HUGHES, AND I DON'T REGRET IT! WANT TO HEAR HIM GASPING FOR AIR AS HE DIES? OH WAIT NO HE JUST DIED JUST NOW, TOO BAD! LATER, LOSER! AHAHAHAHA!" And then they evidently hung up. Mustang sat in silence for a few minutes.

"… Wait, what?"

…

Ed, Al, and Winry were still on the train to Rush Valley the next morning.

"Hey that Hughes guy sure was obnoxious, huh?" Ed said.

"He seemed nice to me." Al said.

"I hope we can meet him again." Winry stated.

("Wince at the dramatic irony! Do it! Do it now!" said Hiromu Arakawa.)

…

Pallbearers were carrying Hughe's coffin through the cemetery.

"Why's it so heavy? It's a standard size, and he wasn't a very big man." whispered one of the pallbearers.

"A few years ago, he requested to be buried with many photos of his family members."

"Ah."

Soldiers started firing shots as a salute to Hughes as Bradley stood in cold silence. Mustang was taking it the worst, though. He stood there, mouth agape, in complete shock. He was standing like this for the whole funeral. It wouldn't be too off to assume he'd been like that for the entire day so far. He simply couldn't comprehend that Maes Hughes was no more.

"Mommy, you said Daddy was here! I can't see him!"

"He's… He's in there, Elicia…" Gracia pointed to the casket.

"When's he coming out?" However, Gracia couldn't bring herself to answer, only pick up her child and start crying. "Stop burying Daddy, he has to come home! Stop it!"

"NOOOOOO!" Armstrong broke down in tears. "WHY MUST THE GOOD DIE YOUNG?"

"Die?" Elicia asked. "Noooooo!" now she started bawling. Mustang was still standing there, mouth and eyes still wide open. Bradley was still standing. Hearing the gunshots and crying, and witnessing Mustang's dumbfounded reaction via peripheral vision, Bradley was a bit annoyed. The Fuhrer kept staring forward, but his good eye kept twitching.

…

Dusk. Mustang was all alone before Hughes's grave. It was now only the two of them. The two of them and Mustang's dorky hairstyle reserved for fancy occasions. Hawkeye walked up to the Colonel.

"Sir…"

"It's raining."

"No it's-"

Mustang looked to the First Lieutenant with tears in his eyes. "It's _raining._" Mustang said through his teeth, a mixture of sadness and frustration.

"If that's what you need to tell yourself… And me without my umbrella…" Hawkeye said, going along with it.

"So anyway, they promoted him to Brigadier General. Not that he can use this power." Mustang sighed. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

…

_TONIGHT ON "CRIBZ: CENTRAL EDITION":_

"Hey. I'm Focker, and I'm gonna show you around Central Command."

Focker was standing in front of the Archive Room.

"This is the Archive Room. And that on the wall would be a bloodstain that Hughes left behind. Over there to your left is the phone area, Hughes grabbed a phone with his bloody hand, not taking into account whether or not people who are afraid of blood would want to use the phone later."

"Interesting…" Mustang commented.

"So can I go now? I could be watching The Runaway Guys right now, you know."

"Huh? Sure, go ahead. Thank you, ****er."

"You're not funny, Colonel Mustard." Focker said as he left.

…

Mustang eventually found his way to the telephone booth where Hughes breathed his last. There were still a few bloodstains.

"(Why couldn't he speak to me using a military line? And the code he gave the operator… It's reserved for emergencies.)" Mustang thought this over for a few minutes.

"Colonel." Hawkeye showed up. "I've brought Major Armstrong like you asked."

"Greetings Colonel. Have you changed your mind and decided to accompany Maria Ross and Denny Brosh and myself on our picnic?"

"No. Tell me what you know about the last hours of Maes Hughes."

"Well let's see.. We have a lead on a group of people, but we're not quite sure. I cannot say any more."

"Son I am disappoint. You _will_tell me more, that's an order."

"I apologize Colonel Mustang, but I simply cannot."

"… Oh so it's like that, huh? Interesting… Okay, you can go play with your friends now."

"I shall dedicate this picnic to the memory of General Hughes." Armstrong said, walking off.

Hawkeye was confused by the Colonel's sudden leniency with letting the Major not answer him. "Colonel… What are you thinking about?"

Mustang cracked his knuckles. "I was thinking that I'd better get cracking on that whole 'become the Fuhrer' thing. Obviously the senior staff is in on something and they've silenced Hughes with death, and Major Armstrong with orders. So once I get that high in the ranks, I'll be able to get some answers. And revenge."

"What was that last part?"

"Answers."

"After that."

"I said nothing. … Let's go."

…

Though they weren't even invented yet, Focker was watching something on a computer.

"_I've got it! Press L to P!_"

"_I… Uh…_" A sigh. "_I hate you so much…_"

"Hahaha!" Focker laughed. "Classic…"

…  
>USO<br>…

_Upset about the death episode? Here, have a birth episode to even it out. Equivalence and all that, right? Next time, Ed and Al have the mandatory homebirth episode. What is this, did we become a sitcom all of a sudden?_

(A/N 1: When writing a comedy parody, I think it's important to also play the sad parts for comedy, but still keeping some of their gravity. That way it's less of a blow. Also I think Mustang having that expression for an extended period of time would be funny to see. Does that mean Hawkeye, Havoc, or someone helped dress him that day?)

(A/N 2: And this episode is why I don't understand Envy fan girls.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes**


	11. Miracle At Rush Valley

**Episode 11: Escape From Rush Valley**

Alchemy. It's an art of… blah, blah… You know the drill.

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

_Last time, Envy killed Hughes. … That's about all you'll remember about the episode, anyway, no point in pretending that the other things that happened matter._

…

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! WE'RE FINALLY AT RUSH VALLEY! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Winry was very excited to be at Rush Valley. Ed looked around in confusion.

"You know, with all the locals having some form of automail on their bodies, one would get the impression that this is a dangerous place to live." Ed observed. He was ignored, much to his disappointment. Though Ed would soon wish that he had stayed ignored.

"My word, what unusual design!" said a random automail buff, holding Ed's arm.

Ed panicked. "Hey, stranger danger! Stranger danger!"

The buff ignored Ed. "EVERYONE! LOOK AT THIS KID'S AUTOMAIL!"

"AUTOMAIL?" asked a crowd of people at once. Ed got a chill in his body.

"Oh no…"

…

Ed managed to catch up to Al and Winry.

"Where were you, Brother?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Al." Ed answered. He noticed a table nearby with people gathered. "Hey Winry, can I compete in the arm wrestling contest?"

"No Ed, this is _my_fieldtrip!"

"You never let me have any fun!" whined the Fullmetal Alchemist. But then he got an idea. In an attempt (an admittedly desperate one) to hypnotize Winry into letting him compete (and cheat) in the arm wrestling contest, Ed decided to pull out his silver pocket watch for dangling. The only problem with this plan was the absence of said watch. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What's wrong?" Al and Winry concernedly asked at once.

"My watch! It's gone!"

Winry sighed in relief. "Phew, I thought it was something important."

"IT'S MY PROOF OF BEING A STATE ALCHEMIST, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

"Oh." the girl responded. A townsperson walked up to the trio, having all the answers.

"Oh yeah, you totally got robbed by Paninya."

"Who's that?" Al asked.

"Some young girl what leaves around here. You'll recognize her by her camouflage pants."

"I see…" Ed thought out loud. Then he spotted her. '… And there she is! AFTER HER! SHE MUST PAY!" Ed made a beeline through the crowd, straight after the thief. Al and Winry had no choice but to keep going.

"MUST… KIIIIILL!" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs, chasing Paninya throughout all of Rush Valley. He almost had her a few times, but she was too fast and agile for the young alchemist. Luckily, Ed had managed to chase her to a spot where there was a transmutation circle in wait.

"Got ya now!" Al said. He quickly transmuted a large birdcage around Paninya.

**Name - Paninya**  
><strong>Specialty - Athletics<strong>  
><strong>Notes - … Where'd my notes on her go? … AFTER HER!<strong>

"You don't have me yet." the thief said.

"What do you mean? Of course we've got you." Al said. This was before Paninya unleashed blades from her right leg and cut the bars on the cage.

"We're in the town famous for automail, what'd you expect?"

"Good point." commented Al.

She wasn't done bragging. "You're lucky I didn't use the other leg, it's got a cannon! Catch me if you ca-"

Winry caught her instantly. "Now… LET ME HAVE A LOOK AT THE DESIGN OF YOUR LEGS, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?"

A married couple walked out of a nearby house.

**Name - Ridel and Satera LeCourt**  
><strong>Specialty - Automail<strong>  
><strong>Notes - The wife's pregnant<strong>

"Hi Paninya!" Satera greeted. "Are these your friends?"

"NO!" Ed, Al, and Paninya screamed in unison. Winry was in her own little world, gushing over Paninya's automail legs.

…

"YOU, SIR, ARE A GOD AMONG AUTOMAIL ENGINEERS FOR MAKING LEGS THIS EFFICIENT!" Winry bowed down to Ridel.

"Um… thanks? But I didn't do that, that was my father-"

"Ach. Ah'm the one that did the job, lassie!" announced an older man's voice. Everyone looked to find, surprisingly enough, and older man.

**Name - Dominic LeCourt**  
><strong>Specialty - Automail<strong>  
><strong>Notes - His accent is… terrible<strong>

"And this wee boy here is so short due to the strain o' the heavy awtomail ya poot on 'im!" Dominic pointed to Ed.

"Brother, what is that man trying to say?"

"I don't know Al, but I have the suspicious feeling he might've called me little."

"MISTER DOMINIC, SIR! PLEASE MAKE ME YOUR APPRENTICE!" Winry requested.

"NEVER!" Dominic's voice boomed. "Ih'ill be a wet day in Aerugo before ah take on the likes of yeew as mah apprentice!"

"… What?" Al asked for clarification.

"Well Mr. Dominic, do you think that maybe you could give me lighter automail, or you could at least teach her to how to find lighter material-" Ed started to beg, but he was interrupted.

"NO, AND 'AT'S THE END O' THAT!"

"… Are you just trying to go as long as possible without using real words?" Al asked.

At this point, Ed felt like a mere amoeboid.

…

A sudden rain imposed on Rush Valley, forcing the Elrics, Winry, and Paninya to stay at the LeCourt residence.

"Sad… so sad…" Ed was depressed, as he had been deprived of an opportunity to grow taller. He hadn't been this melancholic since East City, during the incident with Scar. "So very, very sad…"

"It's okay Brother, we don't know how tall my original body is at this point, so you could assume that you're still the taller one, if it helps. You know, Mom always said you shouldn't worry about - HOLY ANIMAL CRACKRS!"

Al dropped Ed and ran straight toward Satera sitting in a chair. "Is there a baby in there?" The mother-to-be nodded.

"Yes."

"COOL!" Al turned back to the hallway. "Ed, wanna see the lady's tummy? She's gonna be a mommy!"

"So… so sad…" Ed moaned from the hallway.

"Would you like to feel it?" asked Satera. Al nodded.

"Sure, even though I don't have any nerve endings or sense of touch in this body."

"What was that?"

"I said I'd love to." Al covered himself.

…

"How did you get those fantast-abulous legs of yours anyway?" Winry excitedly asked Paninya. The girl rubbed her chin.

"Let's see… I was in a train accident. My parents died, and I lost my legs."

…

_Paninya, as a very little girl, was sitting in an alleyway. Dominic just happened to walk by at the moment._

_"Ye look lak crhap!" Dominic told Paninya, calling it as he sees it._

_Paninya wouldn't take this sitting down- more than she could, anyway. "I don't need your pity!"_

_"Yer getting' neew legs, and yew 'll like it!" Dominic picked Paninya up, and started carrying her to his house._

_"No! No! Help! Stranger danger!"_

…

"And that's how I became who I am today." Paninya narrated. "Good times…"

"So how'd thieving get involved in this?" Winry asked. "Because Ed really didn't appreciate you taking his watch."

"Well I need to raise money to pay off Dominic! Even though he won't take money!"

"Have you ever thought about… You know, getting an honest job?"

"… Oh. … No I haven't." answered Paninya. "I guess I should try that."

"Give me that!" Winry took the watch back. "Huh, it's sealed shut with alchemy. I MUST OPEN IT WITH TOOLS!" announced the blonde.

Winry tinkered with Ed's watch until it popped open. She started reading.

_DON'T FORGET_  
><em>3. OCT. 11<em>

"… Oops. There was an embarrassing thing for Ed in there… Just not the funny kind…" Winry summarized. "I feel bad… Give this watch back to Ed. I'm going to ask Dominic to make me his apprentice."

"He'll say no."

"I have to try!"

"I know the man, he'll say no."

"Lalala, can't hear you!" Winry sang, as she ran out of the room.

…

Winry tried knocking on the door to Dominic's room.

"NOT NAOW! AH'M WATCHIN' THE GAME! THE CRETAN NICKS ARE WINNIN'!"

Al ran up to Winry. "Winry, Winry, Winry, the mom, she's… uhh… well… she's having a baby!"

"… Strange, this always felt like something Ed would tell me, if we ever found ourselves being guests to a pregnant family."

"Oh, Brother would've told you, but…"

"Sad… so sad…" Ed's voice could be heard from a few halls down.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Paninya<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Dominic<em>  
>…<p>

Satera was lying down in bed as everyone else was pacing around the room.

"What do we do?" asked Ridel. "The doctor's in town, and the bridge is out!"

"Well… We could watch me try and fail hilariously at transmuting a bridge. That could kill a few minutes." suggested Ed, finally over his depression.

"ACK! 'AT'D BE A WASTE O' TIME, LADDY! AH'M A JUST GO THE LONG WAY INTA TOWN AN' GET A DOCTOR MESELF! LATERZ!" Dominic said as he put on a raincoat and left.

"… I didn't catch any of that. … He's coming back, right?" wondered Al.

"So… Honey… do you think you can hold on until Dad comes back with a doctor?"

"It's not up to me, it's up to the baby! … Oh dear…"

"What?" asked the man who would soon become a father.

"It's coming NOW!" screamed Satera. Everyone else screamed in a panic.

"What are we going to do? What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" Paninya shrieked.

"Oh man Al, this is worse than the time we helped Mrs. Hughes give birth to her daughter!"

"But Brother, we didn't meet Hughes and his family until his daughter was already two! What are you talking about?" Al questioned.

"I don't know! I'm just stressed!" his brother explained.

It finally hit Winry. "We'll have to do it ourselves!"

"WHAAAT?" asked everyone else, excluding Satera. She was preoccupied at the moment.

"Are you sure?" asked Ridel.

Winry shrugged. "I've seen this kind of thing happen on every sitcom ever written! What could possibly go wrong?" Everyone, excluding Satera (again, preoccupied) gave Winry a glare of disbelief. Did she honestly believe that was good logic?

Fortunately for Winry's credibility, she added, "Well if it helps, my parents were both doctors."

"Ohhh!" realized everyone else who wasn't giving birth.

"Ed! Al!" commanded Winry. "Get some boiling water on the double!"

Ed went ahead with it, but Al stayed behind. "You have to say 'please' first, Winry. It's polite." Al told her.

"DO IT NOW OR I'LL THROW YOUR HELMET INTO THE CANYON!" screamed both Winry and Satera.

"YES MA'AM!" Al agreed before joining his brother.

Winry turned to Paninya. "I need you to get some towels!"

"… Right now?" Paninya asked, obviously nervous. Winry ignored her and turned to the husband. "Ridel, do you have any alcohol?"

"… What?" asked Ridel.

"Rubbing alcohol!"

"Oh. In the store room. Next to the alcohol."

Winry ran off to get the rubbing alcohol, but turned back and shouted, "We'll also need ice chips!"

…

Paninya saw a few towels in a laundry basket and took them out.

_TOWEL GET!_

…

Ed found a bowl that they could use for boiling water. He picked it up and held it over his head.

_Da-da-da-daaaaaaa! You found the bowl! Equip it to one of your designated item buttons. Hope you know how to use it against the boss of this temple. … Wait, that's not right…_

…

Winry was nervously trying to remember everything she needed to do for the birthing. Ed, Al, and Paninya came up to her and spoke at the same time.

"You can do this!"

Winry nodded. "Paninya, I need your help in here. Ed and Al, I'm going to need you two to wait in this hallway, terrified."

"Yes, ma'am!" saluted the Elric Brothers. The two girls went into the room to start helping Satera.

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the woman in the other room.

"Scared… so scared…" Ed whimpered.

"Brother, I'm frightened."

"The word you're looking for is 'scared'."

"… Didn't we have this same conversation once, but about a different emotion?"

"So scared…"

…

"Oh Al… I know we're not really big on the whole idea of 'God', but you'd think if He exists, He could help us out?"

"… Again Brother, you're putting your religious beliefs into my mouth. What if I believed already?"

"Shut up Al, Winry told us to sit in the hall and act horrified! No distracting ourselves with less frightening thoughts!"

"Sorry Brother."

…

A lot of time has passed. Finally, the door opened. It was Winry. Ed and Al looked up from playing cards on the floor.

"Oh, uh, hi Winry!" Ed said, as he quickly grabbed all the cards and wedged them in a gab in Al's armor near the helmet. "We weren't taking a break from acting horrified or anything, that's for sure!"

"Nope, not us!" Al continued with the suspiciously specific denial. But Winry was too tired to notice, let alone care.

"No… more…"

"Hmm?" the brothers grunted in unison. They went into the bedroom to find Satera and Ridel cradling an infant.

"Hey, how long was that kid here?" asked Al.

"… Al, are you serious?"

"Just kidding, Brother."

The parents were happy to have their new son.

"This is the greatest thing ever! A baby!" Ed cheered. "Any two humans can do in nine months what alchemists haven't been able to do in forever!"

"Ed, do you really have to put it into alchemical terms?" asked Winry.

"Hey I'm an alchemist! That **** comes natural!"

"Brother, don't use that word in front of the baby!"

"Well…" Ed started to recap. "We've shown you the town, we chased the thief, we met Dominic, managed to run him out of the house, and even helped give birth. In our own cowardly way. Let's go, Al. Our work here is done." Ed started to walk out.

"Brother, what about your watch?"

"… Oh yeah. I forgot." Ed realized.

"And Ed?" asked Winry. "Do you think you could carry me to a nearby chair? I… can't move at all…"

Ed sighed. He helped his friend like she wanted.

…

Ed was about to sit Winry down in a chair.

"By the way Ed, I peeked inside your pocket watch."

Ed decided to drop Winry on the floor.

"Owww!"

"HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?" demanded a furious Ed. "THAT WAS PRIVATE! AL DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE!"

"… I'm sorry."

"You're just lucky that I'm too upset about the sudden absence of my favorite red coat to think about what you did to me!" Ed told Winry. "Anyway I wrote that, so I could always carry around something that would remind me of that day, so I'd always remember to feel guilty."

"That's… negative." Winry gave a commentary. "And… and…" She started sniffling. "SAAAAAD!" And then came the tears.

"Quit crying!"

…

_Ed and Al were standing before their burning house. Winry, Pinako, and Den were there as well._

_"Grandma, do you think we should've stopped them?"_

_"Nah it's all good."_

_Ed looked up from his brand new pocket watch. "Well Alphonse… That's that. No more going home."_

_"Yep."_

_"… Granny, we might have to stay with you for a few days until I can get that ticket to East City."_

_"Nuts." cursed Pinako._

…

"BUT YOU NEVER CRYYYYYYYY!" cried Winry. "I'LL DO IT FOR YOU!"

"That's stupid. You're stupid and you suck at everything!" Ed paused. "I'm sorry, I'm just really confused about where that red jacket disappeared to."

Paninya walked in. "Hey Winry, I-"

"TRIAL OF THE POCKET WATCH!" Ed roared instantly. He punched Paninya with his metal hand.

"Owwww!"

Ed was yelling as he stuck his hand out. "MY POCKET WATCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND!"

"Fine, here!"

…

"AYE LADDY! I BE YER GRAND-DADDEH! LOVE MEH!" Dominic was introducing himself to the baby. Ed and Al were watching. Al leaned in toward Ed and started whispering.

"Ed, I thought we got rid of that strange man that happens to be here."

"I know, but he came back for some reason. You think he's trying to teach the baby his language?

"I CAN HEAR YE TWO, YA KNOW!"

The Elric Brothers gulped. It appeared they had no idea exactly who Dominic was, due to his heavy bad accent. The doctor that Dominic had brought in wrapped up his examination.

"Well the kid looks healthy. And the mom looks fine. And I mean fine. You doin' anything later?"

"… Being with my son. And my husband." Satera said, rather annoyed.

"… Why'd I ever become a doctor? The ladies never fall for me!"

Ed walked up to Dominic, holding a paper fan with the Japanese flag for a design.

"Hey Mr. LeCourt. I don't know where I got this fan, but it's all yours if you let Winry become your apprentice. Come on, it's the least you can do after she helped your daughter-in-law."

"NO! I DON'T TEK APPRENTECES! GET OWT OF MAH HOUSE!"

"… I didn't catch that." Ed said. "But is that a yes?"

"LOOK LASSIE…" Dominic said to Winry, "… DON'T YE HAVE A FAMILY?"

"Just Grandma Pinako."

This hit Dominic like an anvil. "PIN… PIN… PINAKO? PINAKO ROCKBELL?"

"Yeah… So?" Winry, Al, and Ed asked at once.

"THE PANTHERESS OF RISEMBOOL… NO… NOOOOO!" Dominic ran out of the room, screaming.

"He's finally gone." Al said. "Who was that strange man, anyway?"

"My father!" answered Ridel, a bit annoyed that Ed and Al didn't catch on already. Then Dominic sheepishly returned to the room.

"Er… If ye be needin' a teacher… 'ere's this guy in town named Garfiel. 'E could be useful for yer trainin' lassie."

"Thank you Mr. Dominic!" said Winry as she bowed again. "But do you think I could come up and watch you as you work some time?"

"ACH… NO. … But if ye wanna come an' see the babeh, I wouldn't really be able to stop ye if ye just _happened_to stumble across mah workroom. Wink-wink." Dominic outlined. "The brat too!"

Paninya pumped her fist. "Yay!"

…

Ed and Al ran through town, passing some foreshadowing wanted posters. The middle one was old, and the text was smudged with age.

**WANTED:**  
><strong>SCAR<strong>  
><strong>20, 000 Cens<strong>

**WANTED:**  
><strong>GR_E_<strong>  
><strong>_5_, 00 Ce_s<strong>

**WANTED:**  
><strong>YOKI<strong>  
><strong>001 Cen<strong>

"BYE WINRY, HAVE FUN!" Al said in a hurry.

"BE SURE TO GET BETTER AT THIS WHOLE 'ENGINEER' STUFF!" Ed added. The two managed to hop onto the train's caboose. Winry and Paninya saw them off.

"Bye Ed! Bye Al! Don't go getting into any fights! Bye!" Winry said as she waved.

…  
>USO<br>…

_Next time, Ed and Al finally reunite with their old teacher… Boy howdy, they're in for some work._

(A/N: When writing a comedy parody, I think it's a sign of desperation when you have to resort to simply giving a character a funny accent. So I apologize. But I think Dominic was fun to write, it's too bad he never shows up again.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes**


	12. One Is All, All Is One

**Episode 12: Alchemy 101**

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

**Hey paissanos! It's the Super Elric Brothers Super Show!**

…

_A grown man with blonde hair. So long that it was in a ponytail like Ed's. He had this beard and some glasses. He also had the same gold eyes that only Ed and Al had. Who was this man? Why was he glaring?_

…

Ed woke up on a train.

"NO PIRATES WHAT- … Oh it was just a dream. Sorry I disturbed you, Al."

Al looked up from playing with a paddleball. "Huh?"

"I was just having a dream - slash - remembering our father whom I hate because he left us."

"You know Ed, you never let me feel angry about him. How come you get to have all the anger?"

"Because you barely knew him!"

"You only barely knew him too."

"… That's besides the point!"

…

Dublith was a rather large town in Southern, but Ed and Al found their teacher's place with no trouble, having been here before.

"Well…" Ed said. "Here we are…"

"Brother, I'm scared!"

_STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!_

"OH NO! Brother, I'd recognize those footsteps anywhere!" Al whimpered.

"Don't worry Al, it'll be okay! … I hope!"

_STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!_

Ed had pulled out some scratch paper. "I leave my suitcase to Winry, and I leave my red coat to-"

However Ed couldn't finish writing his will, as a very large man had opened the door. Was this their teacher?

**Name - Sig Curtis**  
><strong>Specialty - Meat<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Considers Barry the butcher to be a disgrace to butchers, what with becoming a killer<strong>

"H-h-h-hi Sig." both brothers whimpered. But Sig just stood silently. Ed spoke next.

"Um… You wouldn't happen to know if… if Teacher was still here, would you?"

"… You're Ed." Sig concluded. "I remember now. Who's that?" Sig pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the mysterious suit of armor.

"I'm Alphonse, sir." Al replied.

"So you want to know if Izumi's here?" Sig asked. Ed and Al nodded. Sig then turned to the window. "HEY! IZUMI! ARE YOU HERE?"

"QUIT YELLING SIG, I'M STILL BEDRIDDEN!"

"THE ELRIC BROTHERS ARE HERE TO SEE YOU!"

"ALL RIGHT, I FEEL BETTER ANYWAY! I'LL GO SEE THEM!"

"Are you having a fight?" asked Al.

"Nah, yelling's just easier than walking all the way to the window. We have an understanding about that."

Ed rubbed his chin. "Hmm, Teacher's still sick? That can't be any good. I was kind of hoping she was good to walk around." The very second the word escaped Ed's lips, he was met with a foot to the face, knocking him across the front lawn.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MY STUPID PUPIL? I'M FINE!"

**Name - Izumi Curtis**  
><strong>Specialty - Alchemy, fighting<strong>  
><strong>Note - Difference between getting on her bad side or Ed's bad side - With the latter, you'll still be alive<strong>

"SO WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT BECOMING A DOG OF THE MILITARY? YOU DISGRACE ME!" Izumi turns to face Al. "AND WHO'S THI- Wait a minute… Alphonse? Is that you?"

Al was dumbfounded that she recognized him so easily.

"Um… Yes ma'a-AAAAAAAHH!" screamed Al as he was flipped over by his teacher.

"You didn't even try to stop me, Alphonse? I taught you better than that! You're getting weak!" noted Izumi. "D Minus!"

"Owww…" Al moaned. "I thought you were sick…"

"WHAT? HOW COULD I BE SICK, I FEEL FINE! … blurrr!" Izumi spewed blood from her mouth, freaking out both Ed and Al. Sig grabbed her by the shoulder.

"Take it easy dear, if you die I don't know what I'd do."

"Oh honey don't talk like that!" Izumi said. The husband and wife started hugging and speaking gibberish as little hearts and sparkles appeared around them.

"… Yeeeeah…" started Ed. "This is uncomfortable.." He went unheard. "Just… kind of having a moment in front of company… Like we're not even here- Still going at it, wow. … And no one can hear me. I can say whatever I want. Blargle floop."

…

All four of them were seated in the dining room, at the table. Evidently, they had been speaking about the Philosopher's Stone.

"Nope, never looked into it at all." answered Izumi.

"Wait, what about that guy in Central?" asked Sig. "Didn't he say something about it?"

"Oh yeah! There was this guy in Central who knew about it! I think his name was… Uhhh… Henry… No, Harry… Ah! Hohenheim!"

"MUST KILL!" raged Ed, the instant he heard that name. This confused Izumi and Sig, but Al was able to explain.

"He's our father. Ed… kind of hates his guts. His very name is a berserk button for Ed." The Curtis couple understood now.

"Expository… _FLASHBACK_!" Ed spoke through clenched teeth.

…

_A very young Ed and Al were up early in the morning. They walked in on their parents standing together in the front hallway of their house. There was Trisha, and there was the blonde mystery man himself, Hohenheim._

_"Well hi boys! You're up early!" greeted their mom._

_"Mommy I had a bad dream!" said Al._

_"He wanted me to take him to the potty." said Ed._

_"Well good for you Ed, helping your brother. And don't worry about your dream Al, dreams can't hurt you." Trisha got down to her sons' level and tousled their hair with a smile. Ed looked up and noticed his father glaring. Not necessarily at him, just kind of looking nowhere in general and glaring. As if he had other things to worry about. And then he left, without so much as saying goodbye._

…

_Ed, Al, and Trisha were having lunch one day._

_"Mom, when's Dad coming back?" asked Al. Trisha avoided the question by tickling her youngest son. This didn't fool Ed._

…

_Their mom died._

…

"Brother? Are you okay? You've been sitting in silence and glaring for the past ten minutes now."

Ed snapped out of his flashback. "NO PIRATES WHAT- Huh? … Oh, back in reality." No one bothered to question whatever he just said. Instead, Izumi punched Ed on the top of his cranium.

"TIME FOR DINNER!" she announced.

…

Dinner was business as usual at the Curtis household. Beef, pork, and turkey. They were butchers, after all. While Sig had a whole plate and miniature mountain of meat to himself, everyone else helped themselves to a large plate of meat in the center.

"So that's how I saved Youswell from… Yoyo or whatever his name was." Ed narrated.

"So Al… You gonna eat anytime soon?" Sig asked. Al remembered that they didn't know about his situation.

"Um… Uhh… I had a lot to eat at the conglomerate restaurant at the train station before coming. I'm still stuffed." he lied.

"So anyway we just came here from Rush Valley." Ed changed the subject to avoid suspicion. "Al, wanna talk about the baby?"

"Oh yeah! We helped someone give birth to a baby!" Though they couldn't tell, this struck a nerve with Izumi and Sig, mainly Izumi. But it didn't show.

Ed added to his brother's recap. "Well if by help, you mean 'stand in the hallway and be frightened'. Then yeah that's exactly what we did."

"Well Brother, we also helped them gather supplies."

"Oh… A baby, huh?" Izumi asked. "That's pretty special." She sipped some tea. "Yep… special." It was now showing that something bothered her, but not enough for the Elrics to see. There was an awkward night of trying to fall asleep next to Izumi in store for Sig.

…

Ed and Al stayed in the guest room.

"Ed, Teacher hasn't changed at all. I was kind of hoping she mellowed out over time."

"Well sometimes you don't get what you want, Al."

…

_It was raining heavily in Risembool. There was a flood as an effect of this rain, so there were plenty of people trying to keep the water away from town. Ed and Al were among the townspeople who were just watching from a distance, nervous._

_It was at that point that a beacon of hope arrived in the form of a woman with dreadlocks. Ignoring the workers telling her to stay back, she clapped her hands and created a wall to block the water. Then a large, bearded man with an umbrella gave cover to this woman, his wife._

_"Well there you go, flood's taken care of." said Izumi._

_The workers all responded at once. "Cool." But only one of them thought to ask the obvious question._

_"Who are you?"_

_"Huh? Eh I'm just housewife. … BLURGH!" she spit up more blood, to the confusion of the workers. _

_A young Ed and Al ran up to Izumi and pleaded at once. "Will you make us your apprentices, old lady?"_

_Their answer was a large hand transmuted out of the ground, sending them away. This didn't stop Ed and Al though._

_"Please, old lady, please make us your apprentices?"_

_Izumi cracked her knuckles and clenched her teeth. "If you call me an old lady one more time, I'm gonna transmute where you're standing into a CANNON!"_

_Ed and Al gulped. Al got the idea. "Will you please make us your apprentices? … Young and pretty lady?"_

_"No!" was the answer._

_"But whyyyyyyyyyy?" complained Ed._

_"BECAUSE! It doesn't matter anyway, I'm in the middle of a trip! Don't you have families to get back to?"_

_A random person went up to Izumi, with the knowledge she seeks. "Nah those two don't have parents anymore." Izumi sighed._

_"Fine…"_

…

_Izumi and Sig had taken the Elric Brothers to an island in the middle of a lake near Dublith._

_"Welcome to Yock Island!" Izumi said. "Now get off the boat and take this knife with you."_

_"Okay…" said Ed. He complied with the instructions. An instant later, Sig started rowing the boat away from the island._

_"WHAAAAAAAAAT?" Ed and Al shrieked._

_"Welcome to the preliminary training!" shouted Izumi, as Sig was rowing her further away. "You're gonna stay there for a month, and you can't use any alchemy! Fend for yourselves, and avoid this weirdo I hired! One is All, All is One! If you don't figure out what that means in a month, then I can't train you! Bye!"_

_Sig waved quietly as he rowed._

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ed and Al were horrified._

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Sig Curtis, Izumi Curtis<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST<em>  
>…<p>

_Izumi and Sig were working in the butchery, messing with meat, and sharpening knives and cleavers._

_"So Izumi, you think it was the right thing to do to leave those boys on that island?"_

_"Hey it's a picnic compared to what I went through! I survived for a whole month in the Briggs Mountains! In winter!"_

_"Well when you put it that way, I can't really argue with you. But you do know that you can't compare someone like yourself with little boys, right?"_

_Izumi shrugged. "Meh."_

_"But still, there is that weird, masked killer guy." Sig added._

_"Eh he's a sweetheart when you get to know him."_

…

_"Ed, I'm hungry."_

_"I know, Al."_

_"Ed, I'm sore."_

_"I know, Al."_

_"Ed, I'm hot."_

_"I know, Al."_

_"Ed-"_

_"I KNOW, ALPHONSE! SHUT UP!"_

…

_Ed and Al caught a rabbit in their trap._

_"Haha, yes!" Ed cheered. "Dinner!"_

_"Behind the rabbit?" Al asked._

_"It is the rabbit!"_

_"Oh."_

_" … Okay Al, kill it."_

_"No you do it, Brother."_

_"No you do it."_

_"No you do it!"_

_A fox did it. And she didn't share._

…

_Ed and Al were at the shore._

_"What are you doing, Brother? Are you going to try to swim for sure and return home?"_

_"I can't swim… I was thinking about trying to catch a fish."_

_"Great, I'm starved, let's eat!"_

_"Key word would be 'trying'. I have no clue how."_

_"Aww…"_

…

_Six days in, Ed and Al were lying in the hot sun. Ed began to hallucinate from hunger. He looked over to Al and instead saw a giant piece of meat with a bone sticking out each end._

_"Must… eat… Al… looks like giant… tasty… Japanese depiction of meat… even though that country has… nothing to do with us…" chanted Ed. He bit on Al's arm._

_"HEY QUIT IT!"_

_"Oops… Sorry." Ed looked over to the line of ants marching past. He ate one. "AAAAH! THAT'S NOT A CHOCOLATE AT ALL! … Must have mor- Wait a minute! I get it now!"_

_"What do you mean, Brother?"_

_"There are ants and there are me. … I forgot the rest."_

_"Oh-"_

_"No wait I remembered again! There are ants and there are me! I broke down the ant, deconstructing it! With my mouth! Then I reconstruct it as the nutrients I need! And now it's a part of me! And when I die, I become the grass! And the antelopes eat the grass! And lions eat antelopes! And lions eat people! We're all connected! That's what Teacher meant, and that's how alchemy works!"_

_"Like the Circle of Life!" Al realized._

_"Everything the light touches! Kings of the past watching us from above! Elephant graveyard! Hakuna Matata! It all makes sense now! One eventually becomes part of the all, which itself can be consumed by the one!"_

_"So you're sure that's what Teacher meant?"_

_"If not, we're screwed! Let's hope so!_

…

_After a little over three weeks, Izumi and Sig had finally returned to the island._

_"Well?" asked the housewife. "What does 'One is All, All is One' mean?"_

_"All is the world." Al answered. "And One is the individual."_

_"… What he said!" was Ed's answer._

_"All right good job, you two can train for real now."_

…

_Izumi was reading aloud the basics of alchemy while avoiding Ed and Al's strikes like they were nothing. She ended it quickly by flipping and throwing both boys across the yard._

_"Teacher, how come you never use a transmutation circle?" asked Al._

_"I'm not sure. Maybe it has to do with Truth."_

…

"NO PIRATES WHAT- Oh. Al, I realized something!" said Ed, back in the present.

"Hmm?"

…

The next morning, Ed and Al were out front with their teacher. She was facing a wall for some reason.

"Mrs. Curtis will you fix our toy train?" asked some kids.

"No. I'm a bit busy."

"Mrs. Curtis?" asked a little girl. "Will you fix my cat?"

"I already told you, he's dead."

The little girl ran off, crying. Izumi transmuted a spear out of the wall and began attacking Ed and Al.

Ed was shocked. "Hey, hey! Don't take out your grief over the cat on us!" But Izumi wouldn't let up. Eventually Ed had no choice but to transmute part of his arm into a blade and chop the spear.

"AHA! YOU HAVE AN AUTOMAIL ARM AND LEG! And you can transmute without a circle!

"H-How did you kn-"

Izumi smacked Ed across the back of his head. "Fool! I could tell from your footsteps! The legs make different sounds from each other!" She turned to Al next. "And you're hollow inside!"

"H-How-" Al got smacked as well for asking the same stupid question.

"I felt it when I flipped you over yesterday! So you two thought you could pull a fast one on me? YOU SAW THE TRUTH, DIDN'T YOU?"

"Umm-" Ed stalled.

"**_DIDN'T YOU?_**"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! YES! YES I SAW IT! THEN I SAW IT AGAIN SO I COULD SAVE AL'S LIFE!"

"T-T-T-Teacher? What were you trying to do when you saw it?" asked Al.

…

_Izumi tried the same exact ritual that Ed and Al did. When she saw the Truth, it resembled Izumi more than Ed. When she returned to her basement, she coughed up blood. Sig came in to see what all the noise was about. When he noticed what was going on, he came to his wife's aid. And that's when they noticed a tiny Gate Zombie, much like the one Ed and Al summoned._

…

"Well Sig and I wanted a child for a long time, but we couldn't conceive." Ed and Al had to fight the urge not to freak out over the thought of their teacher and her husband conceiving. "But when I was finally pregnant, I got so sick that the baby died. And then… well… After what I did, the Truth took some of my innards. … You two must be miserable with your lives."

"Eh it hasn't been so bad." Ed answered. "People know not to make me mad or else I'd slap 'em with my metal hand!"

"Yeah!" added Al. "Now I have a list of foods I can look forward to eating! I just have nothing but things to look forward to now! I appreciate life more!"

"QUIT LYING TO YOURSELVES!" Izumi yelled, but then there was a pause. "You don't have to take everything in stride. It's okay to admit it."

"Well…" Al began. "I miss having the senses of touch, taste, and smell. And I never need any sleep, so nights are boring while Ed just snores!" Al started crying. Eventually Ed did to. The Elric Brothers did nothing but cry and repeatedly apologize.

…

_"So yeah that's pretty much how the Circle of Life works." explained Ed._

_"I know, Brother. That's the third time now. Can we just go to sleep now? Teacher's coming in the morning."_

_"We're going over this until we can recite it from memory, Alphonse! Now listen closely! There are ants, and there's me…"_

…  
>USO<br>…

_Next time, some selfish guy kidnaps Al._

(A/N: Unrelated to the chapter, but I realized the irony in Chapter 5 that Scar said Lion King was his favorite movie, what with the villain in Lion King being named Scar as well.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat**


	13. Beasts of Dublith

**Episode 13: Need For Greed**

Ed and Al had just finished crying to Izumi over the fact that they went through the Gate of Truth.

"So you both lived. I guess that's something. Well Al technically wouldn't have lived, but hey." Izumi recapped. "Well in light of this news, YOU'RE BOTH EXPELLED!"

"Whaaa?" yelled Ed and Al at once.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Izumi ordered.

"YES TEACHER!" said Ed and Al.

"I'M NOT YOUR TEACHER ANYMORE!"

"YES MA'AM!" Ed and Al spoke in unison again.

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

_**"Beasts of Dublith"**_

Sig had accompanied Ed and Al to the train station.

"Well… I dunno what to say. I guess you could drop in and visit sometime. Or something." Sig suggested. He wasn't really much for talking, but he figured he should at least say something to these two before they left his and his wife's lives.

"All right…" Ed moaned.

"But Teacher hates us now! I don't wanna go back!" Al complained.

"Wow you're dumb. You didn't get what Izumi meant when she expelled you?"

Ed took a shot at this. "That… we failed her expectations and are two walking mounds of disappointment?"

Sig sighed. "No, moron. It means now you're able to speak to her on an equal level."

This took Ed and Al a few seconds to figure out. "… Ohhhhhh!" they spoke in unison for what must've been the fifth or so time that evening.

"That reminds me Al, we still have something to ask her! Hurry!" Ed ran off to the butchery, with Al following.

Sig turned to face the boys as they ran and warned, "She'll probably try to throw something at you, so make sure to duck, Ed. I imagine Al's covered."

…

"Yo Teacher, what's going on?" Ed greeted as he and Al returned to Izumi's house.

"GET OUT!" she screamed, throwing a cleaver at Ed. Luckily he took Sig's advice and ducked. He got back up instantly.

"So Tea- I mean Mrs. Curtis-" he ducked under a second cleaver. "We forgot to ask if you knew anything about restoring body parts lost to the Gate."

"IF YOU DON'T GET OUT, I'LL MAKE GOOD ON THAT THREAT I MADE YEARS AGO ABOUT TRANSMUTING THE GROUND BENEATH YOU INTO A CANNON!"

"Come on Teacher, this might even help you with your missing organs!" Al reasoned with her.

"What are you talking about? I can adjust to missing my organs perfectly! …. bLURK!" she vomited more blood. "… Or not."

…

The three alchemists were sitting in the living room. Izumi was thinking about what the first move should be.

"Well Al, since you can't transmute without a circle, you must've not seen the Truth. Or rather, you did see the Truth, but lost your memory from the shock of losing your entire body." Izumi theorized.

"What is the Truth?" Al asked, nervous. Both Ed and Izumi got an evil grin.

"Oh it's nothing, Al. Just THE MOST HORRIFYING THING YOU'D EVER SEEEEEEE!" Ed started hamming it up.

"Brother it's not funny!"

"Your brother's right, Al, it's terrifying! If Sig weren't heavy sleeper, he wouldn't get any rest at all since I wake up screaming every night!" Izumi told Al.

Al gulped.

"All right Ed and Al, let's focus on dinner next. I hope you liked what he had last night, because we're having it again. … In fact, that's all we ever seem to have in this house." Izumi noticed. "Then we can go back to reciting our horror stories of the Gate to Al."

Ed nodded. "Sounds good."

"No that sounds bad, that sounds very bad." Al whimpered.

…

A strange, bald man was watching them outside, on the wall.

**Name - Bido**  
><strong>Specialty - Being a gofer<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Thinks he's a Pokemon<strong>

Bido kept watching. "Bido bido bido? Biiiiido…." He crawled away from the window.

…

Mustang was playing chess with an older man in Central Command.

**Name - Lieutenant General Grumman**  
><strong>Specialty - Chess, disguise<strong>  
><strong>Notes - 404 Grumman notes not found<strong>

"So Mustang, gonna marry my granddaughter or not? I mean it's not like you're fooling anyone." Grumman said.

"Um… Sir, I don't really know what that has to do with-"

"Checkmate! My distraction worked."

"Huh?" Mustang looked at the chessboard. One of Grumman's Rooks managed to overtake Mustang's King. "Hey! You used the Rook to take out the Pawn and the King in one turn? That's not allowed."

"It's a war, Mustang. You do what you have to. If it makes you feel better, pretend the Rook was a special agent or an assassin. Or both."

"Hey that reminds me…" Mustang started, "… you think you could let me keep some of my subordinates in the move?"

"I don't care." Grumman said while shrugging.

"Excellent…" Roy rubbed his palms together with an evil laugh. Unfortunately this caused his gloves to spark and created a fireball in the room. But that was another story.

…

"Mustang Men… and Woman. Line up!" Mustang ordered. They all did. "Master Sergeant Fuery, Secone Lieutenant Havoc, First Lieutenant Hawkeye, and…. Breda, I forget your rank. Either way, you're all going to Central with me."

"Sir yes sir!" they all said at once. Falman then noticed something.

"Umm… Colonel?" Falman asked. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"

Mustang shook his head. "Don't worry Falman, I didn't forget." Falman sighed in relief. "I just consider Black Hayate a package deal with Hawkeye, so he just goes without saying, is all." Falman's jaw dropped.

"That's not what I meant!" Falman cried. "Come on Colonel, you have to take me too!"

Mustang put his hand to his forehead and sighed. "All right fine, Brock. You can come with us."

"Yay! … Wait, my first name isn't Brock." Falman corrected.

"You wanna be left behind or what?" Mustang threatened.

Falman sighed. "No sir…"

"Aw man I can't wait until Hughes finds out I'm coming to Central!" Mustang said. "Oh wait… he's dead… REVENGE!"

…

Scar was still hiding out with the Ishvalan refugees. It was the next morning, and he was messing with a dumbbell. The boy who took him in noticed.

"You're not supposed to do that!" the boy said.

"_On the first day of Ishmas, Ishvala gave to me… a vulture in a fruit tree. On the second day of Ishmas, Ishvala gave to me_-" Scar sung to himself.

"Aw man, he's lost in his own world again." the boy lamented. "Well maybe this guy can do it for you." The boy pulled over the sheet that lead into the tent. Scar recognized the newcomer instantly.

"Master!"

**Name - Scar's Master**  
><strong>Specialty - Ishvalan religion, fighting<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Makes a mean dish of spaghetti<strong>

"Hey man." Master greeted. "Listen, we've gotta talk. Now I hear you've been going around and killing people. You're not doing yourself any good, you know?"

"But Master-" Scar started, but was interrupted.

"Shhh. It's cool. It's all good. You can still be saved. While it's all right to not forgive them, you just… don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve it, you know? You do know, I know you. If you keep killing people, people will eventually want to kill you."

"But Master-" again, Scar was interrupted.

"Besides, once you kill all the State Alchemists, what's left for you? You should… you know, preach the ways of Ishvala and spread the loooooove, man. Don't be hatin', pupil. Don't be hatin'."

"… Your words are wise, Master. But it's too late for me." Scar told Master, rather sadly.

"That's a shame." Master sighed. Two tough guys walked in.

"HEEEEEEEY!" said one.

"Hey, hey-hey!" said the other. "There's Scar all right, we'll split the bounty, that sound all right?" The tough guys turned back to a man outside. A wimpy man, hiding behind a boulder.

"Umm… Y-Yeah sure whatever. Just… make him stop looking in our direction!"

**Name - Yoki**  
><strong>Specialty - Complaining, mines<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Narrowly avoided being killed by Lust, but that's another story<strong>

Some Ishvalans noticed. One of them was real mad. "Yoki! How dare you sell out one of our own? We took you in!"

"Reluctantly, I might add!" Yoki said. "No one here likes me anyway, so who cares? Besides, someone would've come for Scar anyway! Now… Now I can use his bloodlust against State Alchemists to get revenge on the worst State Alchemist of them all… THAT ACCURSED EDWARD ELRIC! HE WILL PAY! PAY, I TELL YOU!"

In the tent, Scar sighed. "Sorry Master, but it appears I'm needed elsewhere." Scar stood up, deconstructed one of the tough guy's hands, and killed the other. "But I can do without you two gorillas assaulting my nose with your body odors." Scar walked forward. "… I forgot to give them a moment to pray to their respective deities. … Oh well."

Scar started walking toward Yoki, raising his hand up.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH-" Yoki screamed in a pitch more reminiscent of a young girl. "SPAREMESPAREMESPAREMESPAREME!" Then Scar passed him by, lowing his hand.

"Not worth the effort."

Yoki sighed and wiped his forehead. Scar turned back.

"But you are going to be my new slave."

"WAAAAH!" moaned Yoki. "… Well, I suppose it's better than dying… Sheesh, I went from owning a mining town to being a serial killer's slave, how much worse can this get?"

_Yoki joined your party! … Sorry about that._

…

Al was sweeping the street in front of the Curtis Butchery. "Hmmph. I can't wait until the Street Sweeper is invented…"

Bido threw Al a note from a hidden spot. Al, in his infinite wisdom, decided it'd be a smart thing to do to read the random scrap of trash he found on the street that, for all he knew, might not have even been meant for him.

…

Three people were outside of the Devil's Nest, a bar in Dublith.

**Name - Dolcetto**  
><strong>Specialty - Smelling things<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Lifts his leg when he urinates<strong>

**Name - Roa**  
><strong>Specialty - Getting milk for all his friends<strong>  
><strong>Notes - He can sleep while standing<strong>

**Name - Martel**  
><strong>Specialty - Fitting into places<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Can do a lot without the help of her limbs<strong>

Al walked up to these people. "Hey guys, is this the Devil's Nest?"

"No." Dolcetto taunted. "We're at your mom's house."

"But… I thought I burnt that place…" Al said. "Unless… are we in the past?" This confused the three others.

"No. Now come in inside, we have someone to meet with you. Come on, get a mooooove on! … Shoot, I said it that way again." Roa complained.

"ROA! ROA! ROA!" Dolcetto barked. "Get a hold of yourself! Can we just get this kid inside before the mailman comes? Boy that mailman just ****es me off, I tell ya!" Martel took this time to get rid of Al's helmet and slip into his armor.

"It's roomy in here…" she noted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Al was mortified. "I'VE GOT SOMEONE INSIDE ME? GAAAA! IT FEELS SO WEEEEEEIRD! EWWWWW!"

"Eh calm down kid." a man wearing round sunglasses and a jacket with a furry neck appeared, holding Al's removed helmet.

**Name - Greed**  
><strong>Specialty - Wanting, owning, bartending<strong>  
><strong>Notes - No, he seriously does want a lot<strong>

"Heeey… nice helmet. Can I keep it? I want to keep it. I'm keeping it. It's mine now."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Roa, Bido, Martel, Dolcetto<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Greed<em>  
>…<p>Inside the bar's back room, Al has been tied up. Greed looked inside Al's armor and noticed only Martel inside.<p>

"Wow you really are hollow. … Eh, though it pains me, you can have your helmet back on. I'd rather not see Martel."

"Hey!" Martel yelled. She was ignored, as Greed put Al's helmet back on.

"Besides, all of your armor is mine now, anyway."

"Mr. Greed I have a question."

"No way! I want to have a question! Gimme!" Greed demanded.

"… How do I give you a question?"

"Tell me the question." Greed answered.

"How is it possible that all these guys are human chimeras? There hasn't been a successful one ever! Unless you count Shou Tucker's family." Al asked.

"Pfft!" Greed scoffed. "Lame! That's a lame question. But it's mine now. I might as well answer, since I'll be in ownership of the knowledge I taught someone. See… The government just told you a bold-faced lie. These are definitely professional chimeras, it's just that the government doesn't want you to know!"

"Oooh!" Al was in awe. "So what kinds of chimeras are they?"

Greed rubbed his chin. "Well Roa's a cow-"

"Bull." Roa corrected.

"YOU'RE A FREAKING COW, ROA, DEAL WITH IT! YOU PRODUCE MILK FOR LETO'S SAKE! Er…. Anyway, Dolcetto over there is a dog…" Greed continued.

"It's true, I never sweat. Just pant."

"And that lady inside you is a…" Greed started, but couldn't finish. "She's a… She was made from… Magikarp."

"Snake." Martel corrected from inside Al's armor.

"That was my next guess." Greed defended. Everyone in the room gave him a funny look. "Honest! I don't do the whole 'lying' thing!" They didn't buy it. "It's truuuue! … Sheesh, this is worse than the time I went on Deal or No Deal."

…

_"All right Greed, that was the Banker." Howie Mandel spoke to Greed. "You can either keep this case, or accept his offer of 80,000 Cens. What will it be? Deal? Or no deal?"_

_"Hmm…" Greed contemplated. "Can I have both?"_

_"No."_

_"… You sure?"_

_"I'm sure."_

_"… I'm just gonna go ahead and take all of the suitcases home with me now."_

…

Greed looked to the ceiling, smiling. "Good times…" Greed noticed everyone staring at him. "Oh yeah, more chimeras. Anyway this little guy here is a random lizard."

"Bido bido! Bido! Bido bido bido?"

"No Bido, I'm not giving you a raise!" Greed said. "Oh and that guy over there is a crocodile. But he doesn't get a name."

**Name - Crocodile Guy**  
><strong>Specialty - ?<strong>  
><strong>Notes - He's part crocodile<strong>

"Whaddup?" greeted the chimera.

Al had started to accept this. "So who made all of you?"

"The military." answered every chimera and Greed all at once.

"Oh."

"Don't you get it, kid? Your military are bad people! They lie to cover up their dark secrets! It wouldn't surprise me if they had some kind of freaky zombies hiding in their headquarters or something." Greed told Al. "It wouldn't surprise me, given that their leader made something as messed up, though attractive, as myself."

Al took the bait. "What do you mean? What are you?"

"I'm glad to ask. I like having peoples' attention. Look down, boy. Now look back up. Now look over at Roa, now look back to me. Nothing has turned to diamonds. I'm a homunculus."

Greed showed off the tattoo on his hand while the crocodile chimera whistled a familiar jingle.

"But… Homunculi being created is only a theory!"

"Shows what you know. Not counting myself, I know of at least five others."

"Okay. I guess I have no choice but to belie-" Al was cut off by Roa smacking Greed in the side of a head with a pointed sledgehammer, knocking the top half of Greed's head off. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

The other chimeras were confused.

"Dude…" Dolcetto asked, "What was that for?"

"I… I was just proving that he was a homunculus!" Roa stated. Dolcetto tilted his head.

"But the boy believed him."

"… I regret nothing!" Roa ran out of the room. Greed got back up as his head started regenerating. Before long, he was back to normal. Though his sunglasses were still gone.

"Oh that Roa." Greed cracked his neck. "He's just mad that he's a cow."

"BULL!" Roa shouted from the other room.

Greed shouted back. "COW!" Greed turned back to Al. "Okay, enough distractions. Your body is immortal, it seems. While I'm pretty good at staying alive, I'm still not eternal. TELL ME EVERYTHING. I WANT YOUR KNOWLEDGE."

"B-B-But-" Al stuttered. Greed gave a wicked grin.

"You're not surprised? I'm Greed! I want absolutely everything! Money, women, power, sex, glory, status, employee discounts at Wendy's, men, candy, All of it. I demand the finer things! … Though really, I'd demand the lesser things in addition, once I think about it…"

"Half of those sound more like lust." Al noted.

"Oh don't get me started on Lust, that little bit- … We're getting off the subject. Tell me how you got your body to be like that."

Al would shrug if he weren't tied up. "I dunno."

Greed laughed. The other chimeras joined in the laughter. Though while their laughs were forced, Greed was genuinely entertained. "You don't even know? That's hilarious. Okay now seriously."

"I honestly don't know. Ask my brother."

…

Ed was walking through Dublith with a broom.

"Al? Al! Get back here! I'm not gonna do the sweeping all by myself, you know!"

A voice called out to Ed.

"Bido bido bido. Biiiido bido. Bido."

"What? You know where he is? Tell me!" Ed said.

…

Ed walked into Greed's room. "Yo people!"

"Whaddup?" greeted the crocodile chimera.

"Huh? Bido, how'd you let him in without a fight? You were just supposed to get information from him, not bring him here!" Greed said.

"Bido biiiiiido." explained Bido. Or so one would assume.

"A Master Ball, eh? Not too shabby, kid."

"Brother! These are professional chimeras and that guy's a homunculus!"

"Cool story bro." Ed responded.

"Hey!" Greed was annoyed. "Do you have any finesse when it comes to revealing information?"

"Nah, we were taught to be straight shooters." Ed answered for his brother. "So what's going on here?"

"Well…" Greed was about to talk, but Ed interrupted him.

"Hey wait! That tattoo on your hand! It's like that tattoo on Palm Tree and Chesty!" Ed realized.

"Oh so you've met Envy and Lust. Yeah, well I stopped hanging out with those guys. So if they sent you to find me, tell them I don't care."

"But… Didn't you send for us?" asked Al. Greed ignored the question entirely, as he didn't have a good answer.

"Well anyway kid, here's the dealio. You're gonna teach me how to bond a soul to a suit of armor so I can be immortal. And in return… I guess I could… I dunno, give you a watermelon? Kids like those things these days." Ed glared, so Greed reconsidered. "Well I could sweeten the deal… Let's see, in addition to giving you a watermelon, I'll teach you how to make a homunculus. Then you can hook your brother up to it and voila! Brother restored."

"I dunno…" Ed rubbed the back of his head. "It just wouldn't be the same as Al's original body. I mean, why go for second best when you can have the original?"

"I like the way you think. Because it's about wanting more than you have." Greed nodded. "I like it all, except for the part where it alludes to you possibly not doing what I want."

"Well get over it!" Ed transmuted his arm into a blade.

"Sheesh you're violent." Greed noted. "Besides, are you sure you want your body back?" Greed asked Al. "Come on! You never have to eat, sleep, poo, file a tax return- it's perfect!"

"NO!" Al yelled. "I liked doing all those things! Well… I liked eating and sleeping, anyway. And I miss being able to feel the wind on my face, and smelling Winry's pies, and tasting stew!"

"Mmmm…" Greed turned to Bido. "Hey! Bido! Go get me some apple pie, and turn it into a stew. I want whatever this kid's talking about."

"Bido!" and then Bido ran off.

"YOU'RE ROMANTICIZING THE NIGHTMARE ON EARTH THAT MY BROTHER'S GOING THROUGH, AND THE MOST YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS GETTING YOUR MINION TO MAKE YOU LUNCH?" Ed raged.

"Well I skipped breakfast…" Greed said.

"YOU'RE THE MOST INSENSITIVE ******* I'VE EVER MET! I'M GOING TO BEAT ALL OF YOU INTO DUST! YOU'RE GONNA BE GREEDILY BEGGING FOR MORE MEDICAL ATTENTION THAN YOUR FRIENDS, HOMUNCULUS!"

Roa walked back in. "Hey take it easy."

Ed turned to Roa. "I'M GONNA MILK YA DRY!" Ed turned to Dolcetto. "YOU'RE GONNA WHIMPER LIKE A PUPPY!" Then Ed turned to the crocodile chimera. "AND YOU… I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SURE YOU'RE A JERK!"

"That's cold." said Crocodile Guy.

Ed proceeded to kick Dolcetto in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him before reminding everyone that he still had his arm in blade form. Roa picked Al up and walked away to dismantle him. The other chimeras in the room followed.

"This is heavy…" Roa noted. "Maybe it's 'cause Martel's in here."

"Hey!"

"YOU MONSTER!" Ed ran up to Greed to stab him, but the homunculus made his own hands into gray claws and blocked with those.

"Nice try."

"Huh?" asked Ed.

"I like that hand sword of yours. I think I'll rip that arm off and make it mine!" Greed narrowed his eyes and smirked. But Ed wasn't going down that easily. He transmuted a platform to jump off of and attacked Greed's head from the air, knocking him down and hurting him greatly.

"Owwww! That hurt! … Oh well, not like I can't heal from that." Greed got up and healed. Then he was as good as new. "I guess it's time to apply the Ultimate Shield to more than just my hands." Greed started an evil laugh as what was once a slimy, yet not unattractive, man was replaced with a gray, bald, fanged humanoid. "Heeeere's Greedy!"

…

Sig walked up to Izumi with a broom. "I found this in an alley, along with a few empty cans of Max Repel."

"Where are those idiots?" Izumi asked. A man who worked for Sig appeared.

**Name - Mason**  
><strong>Specialty - Butchering<strong>  
><strong>Note - Probably the most approachable of the three at the butchery<strong>

"I think I saw Ed and some weird guy head to the Devil's Nest." Mason told the couple.

Izumi cracked her knuckles. "They went to get drunk on the job? I'LL KILL THEM!"

"Well if you say so." Mason was a bit nervous. "Just watch out, the guys that run that place are messed up. … On second thought, I'd say they're the ones who'll need luck."

…

Ed was laying against the wall, battered and bloody. Greed hadn't quite made good on his proposal to rip Ed's arm off, but he had taken off the blade. In addition, Greed didn't seem to be hurt at all.

"See kid? I always get what I want, even if I have to bloody up the room. Now if you're still alive, I'd reconsider saying no to the deal if I were you. After all, who doesn't like a watermelon? … That reminds me, I should get Bido to throw in a slice of watermelon to that Apple Pie Stew…"

"N-N-N-No…. Ow." In a rage, Greed picked Ed up by the collar.

"_WHY NOT_?" The answer came in the form of Ed transmuting Greed's face. Nothing seemed different at first. But then when Ed punched Greed right in the face, it appeared to be very effective. Greed dropped Ed and covered his own face. "AAAAH! WHAT THE H***?"

"It's… ow… alchemy." Ed explained. "I used alchemy to rearrange the carbon in your shield to make you more vulnerable."

"Oh." Greed realized. "Good idea." Greed then reconfigured the atoms in the part of the Ultimate Shield covering his face. "Well back to normal for me! And back to Death's door for you!"

Then, Izumi burst into the room, dragging the crocodile chimera by his neck. Greed took notice.

"Crocodile Guy? What gives?"

"… My name is Ulchi." said Crocodile Guy before Izumi threw him at Ed.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING TO THE BAR INSTEAD OF SWEEPING!"

Greed chuckled. "Heh. Hey lady, I was killing him anyway. But thanks for the assist." Izumi immediately walked up to Greed, transmuted his face, and kicked him right in the nose. She was so powerful, in fact, that she sent Greed into the wall.

"Oooh… That stings." Greed said. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I'M A _**HOUSEWIFE**_!"

"… Oh so you're the housewife I've heard so much about around here." Greed said. "… I'm screwed."

…  
>USO<br>…

_Next time, King Bradley acts all awesome and whatnot. And the plot finally diverges completely into manga/Brotherhood territory._

(A/N: No seriously, say Roa's name real fast and forcefully and it sounds like a bark.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat**


	14. Those Who Lurk Underground

**Episode 14: King Bradley's Wrath**

…  
>AGAIN<br>…

He was there. Roy Mustang had finally made the move to Central. He was one step closer to becoming the Fuhrer.

"HEEEEY! ROY MUSTANG'S IN CENTRAL!" yelled an officer in Central Command. "BUT HE'S YOUNG! THERE'S NEPOTISM AFOOT! I CAN SMELL IT! NEPOTISM, I TELL YOU! LET'S ALL OSTRACIZE HIM AND AVOID HIM AS IF HE WERE RADIOACTIVE! THEN WE CAN MAKE CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT HIM AND PLOT HIS DOWNFALL!"

Everyone else in the hallway in Central Command, including Mustang, gave this man an odd look.

"… What? It was just an idea! … Eh I give him two weeks."

Mustang ignored the ignorant elitist and went straight to the Fuhrer's office. He walked right up to the secretary.

"Hey Colonel Mustang, here. Can I speak to His Excellency?"

The secretary looked up from playing with a paddleball. "Huh? No, him and a troop of his went to Southern Command. There weren't many details, but he called it a 'family matter'."

"Why would Fuhrer Bradley take a troop for a mere family matter? If it's for security, I doubt he really needs any assistance, he's a wizard with swords."

The secretary raised her eyebrow to Mustang. "You're talking about the same man who thought painting Central Command blue would make it look 'snazzy'. I think it's safe to say he doesn't have a good reason for any of his actions."

Mustang nodded. "I'd forgotten about that."

…

King Bradley and a group of men, Armstrong among them, were outside the Devil's Nest. Bradley turned back to his troop.

"All right boys, you know the drill. … DESTROOOOOOY!"

…

Ed and Izumi were fighting Greed with their glares. That is, until Izumi puked up some more blood. During Ed's subsequent freakout, Greed took the time to deactivate his Ultimate Shield and run away.

"So long, suckers!"

"GET BACK HERE!" Ed yelled.

…

In the sewers beneath the pub, Al was crawling like an inchworm.

"HEY!" Martel yelled from within. "Quit running away! I want to stay and fight them!"

"Never!" Al yelled.

"Did I hear the word, 'want'?" Greed's voice was heard. Soon enough, the homunculus walked up to Al and Martel. Martel lifted Al's helmet in order to be seen.

"Greed, you're still alive!"

"Oh it's just Martel." Greed moaned. "I was hoping it was Bido, he still needs to get me that Apple Pie Stew. I was also kind of hoping Roa was here, I could use some milk to wash that stew down."

"Oh I'm fine, thanks for the concern." Martel sarcastically responded.

"Whatever lady. Say armor kid, have you seen Roa?" asked Greed.

"Umm… The crocodile?"

"No, the cow."

"BULL!" Roa's voice echoed.

"Ah, I'll just use the sounds to find him." Greed said. "Well I'm gone."

"Can't let you do that, Star Greed." King Bradley showed up from nowhere. Martel quickly hid.

"Hi King Bradley!" said Al, happy as can be.

"King Bradley? That's him?" asked Greed. "But he's so_ OLD_."

"You insulted me, Greed. That means your remains will be too small even for rats to nibble on."

Greed didn't catch any of that, as he was staring at Bradley's many swords. "Hey can I have some of those swords? Or all of them?"

Bradley shrugged. "Well you can have them… But they're gonna be stuck through you, and I don't think that's what you meant. Either way, it's what you're getting."

"Pfffft!" Greed started to laugh. "Hahaha! Yeah right, Grandpa! Just don't throw out your back!"

"So I'm a little more mature than my peers, big deal. I'm only turning sixty!" Bradley said. Greed put his palm to his forehead. Al would too, but his hands were tied.

"Oh yeah? Well guess what!" Greed's right hand covered itself with the shield. "Your severed head's gonna go on my_ WALL_!" Greed, however, didn't get a chance to strike, let alone move. In a flash, King Bradley had severed the hand by slicing the unshielded part of the forearm.

"Ooh, I'm off to a good start! Just one more for Severed Body Parts Bingo!" Bradley cheered.

"Are you mocking me?"

"… Wait, you've never heard of Severed Body Parts Bingo? The prize is a bag of jellybeans. I'm too old, but I figure my son would-" Greed interrupted Bradley by attacking with the other hand, but the same exact thing happened.

"Well all right, Greed…" Bradley started. "If you want to be like that, I'll go by your rules. Look over there. It's… uhh… a single Cen."

"WHERE?" Greed looked. Bradley whipped out a second sword and unleashed a flurry of steel edges, leaving all kinds of cuts, scratches, and scars on Greed before kicking him into a wall.

"Greed!" yelled Martel. Al slammed himself into a wall, which Martel felt. "Ow!"

"That's what you get for not staying quiet!" scolded Al.

…

Roa and Armstrong were fighting, but Armstrong seemed to have the upper hand.

Roa thought for a minute. "Well… I guess it's time for my last restort. Muscle Up! MOOOOOOOOOOO!" Roa's muscles increased fivefold and he gained small horns, protruding from his forehead.

"Hmm. This calls for the famous Armstrong Cow Tipping Maneuver!" Armstrong yelled. He used all his strength to knock Roa onto his back. The weird thing was the fact that it actually worked.

"… I'm trapped!" Roa screamed. "Help, help! I'm trapped!"

…

"STAB! STAB STAB STAB STAB! STAAAAAAAAB! MUUUUUST KIIIIIIIIILL! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE-DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" screamed Bradley as he plunged both swords completely through Greed's neck. His eye patch was missing, Greed had managed to knock it off. However none of that mattered, Bradley had Greed exactly where he wanted him.

"H-H-H-ckh-How?" Greed barely managed to get out.

"Well it's quite simple, Greed." Bradley said. "Look into my eye." Greed followed the instructions. He saw a normal eye.

"S-So?"

Bradley sighed. "The other one. The one that's usually covered." Greed looked and his eyes widened. "You mean-"

"That's right, Greed. Just as you have the Ultimate Shield… I, Wrath, have the Ultimate Eye! And with this eye I can see that mole on your face that you're using makeup to cover! Fear my power!" Bradley declared. He was a homunculus, just the same as Greed, just the same as Lust, Gluttony, and Envy too. The Ultimate Eye did not have a pupil, but instead the same design as the tattoos present on the other homunculi.

"Well…" Wrath removed his swords and kicked Greed onto the ground. The selfish homunculus was bleeding and still trying to regenerate from all his wounds. "This fight still isn't over. My philosophy is to cut something until it stops moving. And as long as you can still heal, I still have a ways to go."

Greed would gulp and curse if he weren't having trouble breathing, due to his bleeding neck.

…

Martel was complaining inside of Al. "I'm bored!"

"Too bad! You got me into this mess!" Al said.

"Must… find… Cen… mentioned… earlier…" Greed appeared, still beaten, bloody, and partially dismembered. A sword goes through him and he falls to the floor. Then Wrath shows up and pulls the sword out.

"Ewwwww!" Wrath complained. "You got your blood on my sword! How inconsiderate! I'll have to kill you even more for that! That will be your sixteenth death this afternoon! Maybe the Grim Reaper will give you a frequent flyer discount. AHAHAHAHA!"

"(His Excellency sure does enjoy killing.)" Al thought to himself.

"How many lives do you still have? It's only a matter of time before it's game over." Bradley said.

Dolcetto and Roa appeared. Dolcetto had the decency to cut the chains keeping Al tied.

"Hey kid, beat it. It's gonna get real ugly around here. And while we don't really are for Marta-"

"Martel." the snake chimera corrected from inside Al.

"-we figure that at least one of us should survive."

"Yeah we're totally gonna die." Roa commented, nodding his head. The two chimeras ran toward Wrath.

"Let me out!" Martel demanded.

Al leaned his head back. "Nah."

"ARFARFARFARFARF-"

"MOOOOOO-"

_SLLLCKH!_

Wrath had Dolcetto horizontally halved. He turned to Roa. "Your turn, Milky."

"Aw cra-AAWWWW!" Roa screamed. Wrath carved '_King Was Here_' very deeply into Roa's face, killing him. Greed stood up.

"Well…" Greed commented, having used this time to heal. "You're certainly not afraid to frivolously kill my minions. But that was harsh, they're not coming back. Now I don't have henchmen! I want henchmen!"

Wrath gave a raspberry. "You hear that fart-sounding sound, Greed? That was what your voice sounds like to me." Now Greed was furious.

"LISTEN HERE YOU OLD B*****D, I'M-"

"Oh dear." Wrath noted. "You're still making that funny noise. I'll do you a favor and PIERCE YOUR _VOCAL CHORDS._" Wrath gave a brutal threat, yet he was oddly calm about it. He moved in to make good on this threat, but Greed started blocking with his carbonized claws.

"If only I had the common sense to activate the full-body version of the Ultimate Shield!" Greed said in the middle of the fight. Finally Wrath stuck both his swords into Greed's chest and stuck them through the floor, pinning Greed down. For good measure, Wrath pulled out two more swords and did the same thing with them.

"Now unless you want a fifth sword where it hurts most, I'd suggest staying put. I'mma go kill everyone else you care about, now." Wrath walked off, whistling the famous Pokemon song. Relevantly enough, self-proclaimed Pokemon Bido was watching from behind a wall, horrified.

…

Al was trying to escape with Martel intact, but the woman was still adamant about fighting King Bradley. Sure enough, Bradley appeared. His eye patch had found its way back over the Ultimate Eye. He was singing to himself.

"You teach me and I'll teach- Hey! Armored guy! Was I awesome or was I awesome?" Bradley asked.

"Well… You were kinda scary…" Al answered.

"I'll take that as awesome."

At that point, Martel gained control of Al's arm and grabbed Bradley by the throat.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Dolcetto, Roa<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Martel<em>  
>…<p>

"UHHHH- SORRY FUHRER BRADLEY, I'M NOT IN CONTROL RIGHT NOW!" Al said.

"Yeah I know." Bradley was still calm.

"FACE MY WRATH, BRADLEEEEEEY!" screamed Martel.

"No, face mine. Or rather, taste Fa- … STABBING!"

Bradley stuck his sword clean through Al's torso. Needless to say, Martel died. However, a bit of her blood got onto Al's blood seal, and suddenly it all came back to him! He remembered the Gate, the Truth, and everything! This rush of information caused Al to faint. … Though he hadn't let go of Bradley yet.

"Ouch." said Bradley as he fell to the floor with Al.

…

_"Mom?" Al asked. He was remembering what it was like to lose his entire body to the Gate. "Mom! Moooooom!"_

_AL WAKE UP!_

"NO PIRATES WHAT - Huh?" Al asked.

"Hey that's what I say when I wake up." Ed said. Al looked around. There were military men everywhere. They were all in the sewer, but it's been cleaned up. Obviously some time had passed.

Ed looked nervous. "Well whatever you do, don't look down." Al's response was to look down. He noticed that not only was the front of his torso missing, but the area where Martel had been was now empty and bloody. "I said not to look!"

Armstrong appeared. "We surgically removed the person inside your belly. Congratulations, it was a girl."

"Major, too soon!" Ed and Al yelled at once.

"Sorry."

King Bradley then showed up without any warning. "Hey guys." Bradley greeted. "Red, Hal, I have some questions for the both of you. Have you ever met this Greed guy before? And if you have, I'll have to kill you."

"Fuhrer, the 'if you know too much, I'll kill you' joke gets a little old after a while." Ed said.

"Joke?"

"…. Riiiiight…" Ed rubbed his head. "Well rest assured, we've never met that grease ball before today."

Bradley wasn't done. "Did you trade secrets?"

Al spoke this time. "Well he wanted us to, but we didn't feel like it."

"Are you sure?" Bradley asked. "If you're lying, I'll have to execute you myself."

"Oh well gee!" Ed snarked. "What an incentive to tell the truth! Lie and live, or be honest and die. Hypothetical, of course. I'm telling the truth when I say that we don't know that you're secretly Wrath the homunculus." And he meant it.

"All righty then!" Bradley said. "I'd say our work here is done, everyone. To the restaurant!"

"Sir yes sir!" everyone chanted.

…

Izumi was resting in her bed. She was still sick, after all. Bradley was at her bedside.

"… How'd I get in here? I thought I was at the restaurant. Oh well." Bradley said. "Hey wanna be a State Alchemist?"

"Nah." the housewife didn't even need a second to think.

"… Please?"

"No."

"What if I bought you a superhero comic? Women like that, right?"

"Kids like that." Izumi flatly corrected.

"Forgive me, I don't know how to pick out gifts. Well I'm leaving. To the Fuhrer-Mobile! Woosh!" Bradley stood up and walked out. Izumi was confused.

"… Who was that weirdo?"

…

Ed, Al, and Armstrong were outside the Curtis Butchery. Ed was cleaning Al's armor while Armstrong was flexing. … For some reason.

"Hey Major, Greed had a tattoo just like those guys at the Fifth Laboratory! The one I told you and Hughes about!"

"Maes Hughes didn't die, what are you talking about?" Armstrong lied. The Elric Brothers were certainly confused.

"… What?" they asked at once.

"Oh nothing." Armstrong walked away, but broke into a run after about one second. Al looked down to Ed.

"Hey Brother, I just thought I'd let you know, my memories are back. Except I didn't see anything about how to get our bodies back."

"Well at least you got your memories back." Ed said. "Say, do you think it's a little suspicious that Fuhrer Bradley himself went down here to kill a random pub of people?"

Al shrugged. He had a long day, he wasn't much for conspiracies.

…

Fuhrer Bradley stood in a dimly-lit room.

"Welcome back, Fuhrer. You look rather handsome for a man of your age." Lust said.

"Hello Lust. I'm really not in the mood for your Foxy Grandpa campaign." Wrath replied. "But the important thing is, I nabbed me a big one when I went to Dublith with the guys. Ta-da!"

A spotlight shined on Greed. He was chained to a slab, suspended from the ceiling over a vat of lava, and the swords were still stuck in him. But Wrath wasn't done talking.

"Oh, and the armor boy and his teacher seem to be worthy candidates."

Greed woke up and noticed all the homunculi in the room. Lust, Gluttony, Envy, and Wrath.

"Well… Nice to see you, Lust the Lascivious. Crack any walnuts with those things lately?" Greed rudely asked.

"… Yes…" Lust was embarrassed. She didn't want Greed to have the satisfaction of knowing her weird talent. Greed looked over to Gluttony.

"Nice to see you, Gluttony the Voracious. You're fat. … That's all the basis for insult that I have for you."

"I'm hungry…" Gluttony whined.

"And little Envy the Jealous!" Greed taunted. Envy angrily looked up from downing a parfait. "Any coconuts ever fall from your hair yet?"

"**** YOU, GREED!" Envy yelled.

"Where are Sloth the Indolent and Pride the Arrogant?" asked Greed.

"Well…" Lust started. "We put Sloth to work in the tunnel-"

…

A giant man with one white eye, a homunculus node for another eye, extreme muscles, and Envy-like hair was digging.

**Name - Sloth**  
><strong>Specialty - Doing nothing, digging<strong>  
><strong>Notes - No notes as writing notes is a pain<strong>

"**WHAT A PAIN…**" Sloth complained. "**I DON'T LIKE DIGGING… STUPID CIRCLE… FATHER IS A PAIN…**"

…

"- and Pride's off doing stuff." Lust concluded.

"So which sin is that old fart down there?" Greed asked. Wrath answered himself.

"I am Pride. … No wait, no! I'm Wrath! I got confused for a second there. I'm Wrath. Wrath the Furious. AKA King Bradley, AKA Chocolate Thunder." Bradley introduced himself. "… Hey wait, didn't I already introduce myself to you?"

**Name - Wrath**  
><strong>Specialty - Slaughtering<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Suddenly his brutal tendencies all make sense<strong>

"Huh…" Greed noted. "Fuhrer… Furious. Fuhrer… Furious."

"Yes Greed the Avaricious, I'm quite aware of the pun." Wrath said. "I'll kill you again if you don't stop."

"So he's a homunculus that can age?" Greed asked.

"Not quite." Envy answered. "But you wouldn't know that! Because you left! Because you're stupid!"

"Whatever, Ugly- I mean Envy." Greed seemed entirely bored of Envy. "Quit trying to pretend you're better than me."

"YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME ***-****!" Envy yelled.

"All right!" Greed said. "Take it easy, Lizard Boy, your spit's coming all the way up here!"

"_He's right, my Jealousy. Please say it, don't spray it. Your father says so._" said an old voice that sounded like the narrator. Everyone looked over. It was a man in a white robe sitting in a chair that was hooked up to a bunch of pipes. His beard was the same kind of beard as Hohenheim's.

**Name - Father**  
><strong>Specialty - ?<strong>  
><strong>Notes - ?<strong>

"_Daddy's trying to watch Spongebob, and you're all much too loud. I need to know if this is finally the one where Plankton gets what he wants. Can the struggle of a small life form be overcome, or will status quo and reality conquer him? … I sure do enjoy narrating things._"

"Speaking of getting what one wants, I wanna go. Can I?" Greed asked.

"_No. … The creature failed to get what he wanted, and the show went to a commercial. I turned to my third born child and asked them a question. Greed, my Avarice, why would you leave me? … I asked._"

"Well…" Greed rolled his head. "You wouldn't let me have a goldfish. So I left and stole one. And then it kinda snowballed from there, and before I knew it, I had a bar."

"_Come back to Father. I beckoned._"

"Nah I'm good." Greed said.

"_Well… I guess you're a failure then, my son. I'll just have a newer, better son. And he'll sound more like Troy Baker than you ever will. Greed began to be lowered into the vat._" Father narrated as Greed started to be lowered into the vat.

"We'll melt you down and you'll never see us again. Of course, we'll never see you either!" Envy teased.

"A shame, really. You had a great body." Lust said. "I would've loved to-"

"_My Lasciviousness, please. No one wants to know._" Father told his daughter.

"THANK YOU." all the other homunculi, including Greed, said at once. Lust's incestuous fantasy was too much information. Something clicked in Wrath's head after that.

"Hey wait, can't I get my swords back before we melt Greed? They were a gift from my wife."

"I'm hungry… And that lava looks like cheese!" Gluttony said.

"Envy, when this is done, go buy Wrath some new swords."

"What? How come you don't do it? I'm not good enough to not be your little errand boy?" Envy was outraged. Lust extended the Ultimate Spear, her claws, to Envy's nose. "… Fine! But I don't like it!"

"How cute!" Greed taunted. "I get some entertainment as I die, I couldn't have asked for more! BITE ME, ALL OF YOU!" And soon, he finally made it to the lava. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Gluttony tugged on Lust's dress. "Lust, how come Greed gets all the cheese? I'm starving!"

"You're always starving." Lust said.

"! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, I GET IT ALL TO MYSELF! I BET YOU'RE JEALOUS, ENVY! I GET THE POOL TO MYSELF! A POOL FULL OF CHEESE, ISN'T THAT A NICE THOUGHT, GLUTTONY? HEY LUST, **** YOU! THAT SEEMS TO BE YOUR FAVORITE THING TO HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU, AT LEAST! AND WRATH!"

All the homunculi other than Gluttony rolled their eyes.

"I'LL SAVE A SEAT FOR YOU RIGHT NEXT TO ME DOWN IN HE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Greed had finally been completely submerged in the lava. Then a red serum went through a few tubes leading from the vat, and dropped right into Father's wineglass. Father took a sip.

"_That tasted like cheese. I commented._"

"NO FAAAAAAIR!" Gluttony cried.

Wrath looked at his watch. "Shoot, I'm gonna be late! Later guys, I gotta head home." Wrath ran out of the room.

"_That boy ain't right…_" Father sighed. "_I tell you what._"

…

That night at Central Command, King Bradley was taking a stroll.

"There you are!" Bradley looked. It was his wife and their young son.

**Name - Mrs. Bradley**  
><strong>Specialty - Motherly things<strong>  
><strong>Notes - She doesn't know about Wrath<strong>

**Name - Selim Bradley**  
><strong>Specialty - School, studying, bragging<strong>  
><strong>Notes - He's the head of the class and he'll remind you whenever he can<strong>

"Honey, we've been looking all over for you. How was your day?" Mrs. Bradley asked.

"My brother melted. … It was a pretty good day. All's well in King Land." Bradley answered. His son piped up.

"Dad! Dad! I beat Billy in gym today! Because I'm way better than Billy! I'm amazing!"

"You sure are." Bradley said to his son. "Oh hey that reminds me, I ran into the Fullmetal Alchemist. Isn't that cool, Selim? You're always saying he's the second-coolest person in Amestris!"

"That's right, I do say that!" Selim said. "You remembered! Yay! What was he like? He wasn't better than me at anything, right?"

"Oh don't worry Selim, you're still your father's pride and that alchemist isn't in any way stronger than you." Bradley said. Bradley had an evil grin.

"King… You're making that smile again." Mrs. Bradley said.

"It's okay, Mom! I don't mind!" Selim told his mother. "In fact, I can do a better one!"

"That's enough out of all of you." Bradley said. "Come on, let's all go get a steak or something."

…  
>USO<br>…

_Now that I, Father, have been introduced to the story, I can finally predict the next episode's events MY way. Ahem… Various molehills of foreigners have unleashed their moles over the front lawn that is Amestris. Ominous figurative language. … Screw it. Next time, outsiders from another country start showing up. I'll just keep it simple._

(A/N: I like the idea of Father narrating everything. Good meta humor considering how he has the same actor as the narrator in either dub.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed**


	15. The Envoy From the East

**Episode 15: I Can't Believe It's Not Alchemy**

In a city somewhere, Scar as fighting an old man who resembled the Monopoly Man.

**Name - Giolio Comanche**  
><strong>Specialty - Real Estate<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Feared by wolves due to being the Silver Alchemist<strong>

"MUST KILL!" Scar screamed. He ran up to Comanche and deconstructed his face.

"NOT FAIR, I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO DO ANYTHING!" Comanche screamed as he died.

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Scar returned to his and Yoki's temporary hideout. When he made it there, Scar was not happy with what he saw.

"Yoshi… Just what in the name of Ishvala is this?"

"M-My name is Yoki." said Yoki. "And this is… well… I dunno, it just appeared on its own! Just as I was beginning to write a story and use up my space in the summary of the story to mention how I suck at writing summaries! Because there's no way that'd lower peoples' expectations of my writing skills within the main story!"

"Whatever it is, it has to go." Scar said.

"Hi!" said a little girl. She looked Chinese, though there is no China in this world.

**Name - May Chang**  
><strong>Specialty - Alkahestry<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Thinks like a romance novel<strong>

"Ehhh." said the little panda sitting on the girl's right shoulder.

**Name - Shao May**  
><strong>Specialty - Being adorable<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Very arrogant<strong>

"I was unconscious, but Mr. Yoki found me! And then there was a vampire, and a tiger, and we all went to get ice cream!" May Chang recounted. Scar glanced over to Yoki. The mustached man clearly had no idea what she was talking about.

Scar sighed. "I don't care. Just go away."

"You have a cut on your leg!" May pointed out.

"So?" asked Scar.

"I can fix it! Watch!" May drew a pentagram in a circle on the ground and a second one under Scar's leg. And then she transmuted, which healed Scar. "All better!"

"Nice alchemy." Yoki said.

"No it's not alchemy, it's alkahestry! We have that in Xing!" May said.

Scar looked from his leg, to the girl, back to his leg. "So I've been healed with I Can't Believe It's Not Alchemy."

"Alkahestry." May corrected.

Scar and Yoki both spoke at once. "Whatever."

Yoki started pondering in the corner. "Still… There's no way a little girl like her could cross the desert that separates the countries of Xing and Amestris. Just no way! Nope! None! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE, I TELL YOU!

May was annoyed, and turned to face Yoki. "I wasn't alone! I had her with me! I had Shao May!" Scar noticed the panda for the first time.

"(Must… pet… panda…)" Scar thought to himself. May then turned back around to see the tattoos on Scar's arm.

"That's alkahestry!" May noted.

"Hm?" Scar was confused. "Oh. My arm. Yeah my brother studied both alchemy and fake alchemy."

May tried correcting him again. "Alkahestry."

"Well sir, it appears your wound is healed."

"I know that, Loki." Scar said. "Tell me something useful."

"Yoki." he corrected. "And for useful facts, I've found out that Central isn't much farther!"

"Yaaaaaaay!" May cheered, as did Shao May. "I'll grab my stuff!"

"What stuff?" Yoki asked. "It's not like we're going on a picnic!"

Scar rubbed his stomach. "I'm hungry."

Yoki slapped himself on the face. "And it appears we're now going to Central for a picnic. Great, just great."

"And the immortality! I also have to find out about that in Central!" May told the others. "And then I can get the help of the wonderful, beautiful man I've heard about, Edward Elric! Wheeeeee!"

"WHAT?" Scar and Yoki screamed at once.

"But I want to kill Edward Elric!" Scar complained.

Yoki complained too. "Yeah and I want a variety of negative things to happen to him, possibly including Scar killing him!"

May didn't notice, she was still imagining herself and Edward on a date.

…

That night in Central, Hawkeye was walking her dog.

**Name - Black Hayate**  
><strong>Specialty - Sensing evil<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Housebroken (via gunshot threat)<strong>

The dog, Black Hayate, stopped and started growling.

"I swear Black Hayate, if this is for another mailman-"

"OOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!" a familiar face jumped out in front of Hawkeye and Black Hayate. "Get ready to die, lady, because you're face to face with Barry the Chopper! Now to cho-OW!" Hawkeye instantly shot at Barry's arm. "What gives?"

She didn't answer, she just kept her gun pointed at Barry.

"All right fine!" Barry yelled. "Now for this!" He lifted his helmet to reveal the fact that he was a suit of armor. "Scary, huh?" Hawkeye shot him again. "WHY?"

"I know someone like you." she answered.

"If it's that Alphonse brat, I swear I'm gonna-"

"It is."

"****! … Say lady, are you sure you're a real woman and not a fak-" Barry's conspiracy was interrupted by a third bullet. "OKAY! … Say you're hot."

She shot him again.

"QUIT IT!" Barry screamed.

…

Mustang and Falman met with Hawkeye in a warehouse somewhere. She had Barry with her.

"Falman… Go home." Mustang ordered.

"Then why did you call me out here?" asked the Warrant Officer.

Hawkeye was a little bothered by this. "Were you two listening at all? We just found out what a Philosopher's Stone is made of, the secrets of the Fifth Laboratory, and the fact that the senior staff could be involved!"

"Uhhhh…" Mustang and Falman said at once. "Yeah, yeah we were listening."

Mustang changed the subject. "You kill people, right? … Did you kill Maes Hughes? If you did, I'll have to destroy you." Falman and Hawkeye both winced. Barry tilted his head.

"I dunno. Was he chopped up?"

"No."

Barry wasn't done. "Was he sliced?"

"No."

"Then it wasn't me!"

"Nuts!" Mustang cursed. "I wanted revenge!"

Hawkeye was concerned. "Colonel…"

"No I didn't say 'revenge' I said that I wanted… pancakes, yeah that's it. Barry, you're gonna stay with Falman for a while."

"WHAT?" asked Falman. "WHY?"

"You're always saying you don't talk to people enough, here's your chance!" Mustang explained.

"WITH A KILLER?"

"Eh." Mustang shrugged. "It builds character."

"But-"

"That's an order, Falman."

…

Ed and Al made it back to Rush Valley. Ed was drinking juice and his arm was poorly put back together.

"D*** it! Why'd we have to come back here?" Ed complained.

"Come on Brother, what's so bad about this place?"

"Remember the last time?"

_AND NOW, EDWARD ELRIC PRESENTS: "MIRACLE AT RUSH VALLEY" - A TRUE STORY!_

_**Winry** - AUTOMAIL, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!_  
><em><strong>Automail people<strong> - We wanna have your arm and leg!_  
><em><strong>Winry<strong> - Ed, no arm wrestling!_  
><em><strong>Paninya<strong> - Nya-nya, stole your watch!_  
><em><strong>Dominic<strong> - Aye laddie, yer short!_  
><em><strong>Satera<strong> - I'M PREGNANT, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!_  
><em><strong>Winry<strong> - Ed, go get stuff and be scared!_  
><em><strong>Winry<strong> - I looked inside your watch, Ed._  
><em><strong>Ed<strong> - I'm so ashamed of myself!_

_THE END_

"IT SUCKED!" Ed said. "The only good part was that baby being born, and it wasn't really much in comparison to everything else! And just when I thought a return trip would go better, what's the first thing that happens, Al?"

Al recalled what had just happened ten minutes ago.

…

_"Hi Winry!" Ed and Al said._

_"Hi Ed and Al! How was Dublith?"_

_"Well I picked up a fan with the Japanese flag on it. Now I can match Brother's." Al said._

_"Oh and… Well…" Ed started. "There was this guy named Greed… Oh wait you don't care. See… I got into a… You know what, you might as well just hit me with a wrench now, let's not build up to the inevitable."_

…

"That hurt like h***!" Ed said. "And to add insult to injury, my arm has to stick with a mere patch job until she can fix it for real! Who knows how long that'll take?" The complaints continued. "Not one good memory from this place other than the baby!"

"You sure do complain a lot, Brother. Oooh!" Al got distracted and ran off, not that Ed noticed.

"Well Al sometimes life just sucks! Now I know why they call it 'Rush Valley', you've always gotta just rush through the place and finish your business and get out before you turn into a redneck like the local yokels! See Al, it's all about being fast. … Al? Alphonse, where are you?" Ed noticed Al a little ways back, fixing with something in an alley.

Ed walked up to his brother. "Al, if that's another cat, I'm gonna pour this juice on it!"

Al showed Ed what he found. An unconscious Xingese teenager.

"Al that's not a cat."

"Awww…"

**Name - Ling Yao**  
><strong>Specialty - (to be seen)<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Selfish<strong>

"Hungry… so hungry…" moaned the stranger.

…

Ed and Al had treated the man known as Ling Yao to a lunch at an outdoor restaurant.

"Woo! I'm stuffed! Thanks for the meal! I haven't had this much fun since I bought myself that Todd Haberkorn action figure! He sounds just like me!" Ling said. "I came all the way from Xing! I crossed the desert and even saw the ruins of Xerxes!"

"Listen pal, you don't hear me blabbering about my past!" Ed argued.

"Brother, that's because your past shames you."

"Al, do you have to ruin everything I ever say?"

"I also came here to study alkahestry! That's Xing's version of alchemy, and it's mainly used for medical purposes!" Ling exposited.

Ed slammed his face on the table. "I don't care! Well anyway here in Amestris, we mainly use alchemy for combat. Yeah we get into fights with Creta, Aerugo, and sometimes even Drachma. Come to think of it, every other country in the world hates us and would be glad to see us wiped off the map. … Wow, we suck."

"We do have a tendency to have insurrections over the most minor thing though, Brother."

"Yeah. You know the funny thing is that it's really only been this way since Fuhrer Bradley came into power."

"Okay no more chitchat." Ling said. His eyes opened. Gone was the look of an innocent person. Ling's eyes resembled those of a shifty person. "Tell me about the Philosopher's Stone right now."

A pair of ninjas surround Ed and Al.

"Tell me everything… I want immortality."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - May Chang &amp; Shao May<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Ling Yao<em>  
>…<p>

"… No you don't." Ed said.

Ling kept at it. "Yes I do."

"D***, that usually works." Ed lamented. "First Greed, now ninjas. Can I go five minutes without someone threatening my life?" Ed turned to punch the ninja behind him, but they jumped up and kicked Ed in the shoulder.

"OW! … Though I should've expected as much from a ninja, I admit."

The other ninja, who had a visible mustache, knocked Al over.

"HEY, I WASN'T FIGHTING!" Al yelled. The ninja wasn't listening, and just kept attacking. "NOOOOO!"

"(Hmm…)" the ninja thought to himself. "(He doesn't have chi…)"

"Okay Brother, we should take this fight to the mountains. Then no one gets hurt but us fighters."

"But… I don't care if the town gets destroyed, I hate it!" Ed said.

"Brother, just think of what Winry would do to you if not only you were fighting, but you let the town fall to pieces."

"… Let's run, Al!"

…

After splitting up, Ed started chasing the ninja that he'd previously tried fighting. Ed tried his usual fighting, but he could only barely hold up against the expert-level Xingese martial arts that the ninja was throwing him.

"Sheesh! That Xingese version of Brock must be paying you well!" The ninja's eyes narrowed with anger. "What, you don't like Brock? He's a pretty cool guy, doesn't afraid of- HOLY COW!" Ed barely dodged a kunai. "Take it easy!"

The ninja reached out for Ed, but he took advantage of the attack and flipped them over.

"HA!" Ed said. "Ed one point, squinty loser's assistant gets zero points!" Ed dodged a sloppily-thrown kunai again. "(Hey. This guy gets a lot worse at fighting when I insult Ling. … Light bulb!)"

The ninja got up, and Ed called out to them, "Hey! Ling sucks, don't you agree?"

"!" The ninja ran up to Ed, neglecting to pull a weapon of any kind, meaning nothing was stopping Ed from jumping over and nailing them in the back.

"Sucker! How'd you like the Elric Kic- OW!" Ed's victory was short-lived, as he received a kick to the face, sending him into a pipe. "Okay, gloating takes previous escape time away from me, I learned that today."

…

Al was running from the other ninja.

"I didn't leave town fast enough!" he moaned. Paninya appeared next to Al.

"Hi Al!"

"Hi."

"What's going on?"

"Running from a ninja. You?"

"I got a job roofing. It didn't long for people to trust me at all. No more thieving for-"

"Okay that's nice Paninya, but I'm kind of busy." Al said. "Unless you can pickpocket that guy's weapon away from him or use one of your leg weapons, I've got to run. Don't mean to be rude."

…

Ed had spent the last five minutes insulting Ling, getting a shot in, and taking an attack of equal value. In that order.

"Woo that Ling sure is fat!"

"!"

Ed pimp slaps the ninja, and then the ninja knocks Ed across the battlefield.

"Ouch. That's it!" Ed ran up to the ninja, tripped them, and clapped his hands. "Time to look at your face! … Because that's somehow going to do something!" He deconstructed parts of the ninja's mask so it'd fall of. The ninja was… a girl?

"Oh…" Ed said. "… Well I suppose being a ninja really isn't a… really isn't restricted to one gender…" Ed started thinking. "(Wow she looks so timid. I almost feel bad for beating her. … Then I remember all the times she hit me, so I don't give a crap about how she feels.)"

The ninja throws a kunai at Ed's arm and then throw a smoke bomb.

"NUTS! I THOUGHT I TOLD MYSELF TO QUIT GLOATING!"

…

Paninya blasted the other ninja with her knee cannon.

"Ow." said the ninja. Al quickly brought the ninja up to the sign with the town's name on it and used transmutations to wrap the sign around the ninja.

"I did it!" Al cheered. He removed the mask. "You're old!"

"Old?" the ninja repeated.

"I sure hope my brother's doing all right."

"Your brother?"

…

Ed's automail arm was sticking out of a pile of rubble. The ninja Ed was fighting dropped down to get a closer look. She seemed upset.

"Oh no, I killed him… We didn't even get the information…" However Ed was not dead, he was standing right behind the ninja, and he was frustrated. Ed slapped the ninja on the back of her head and activated a trap that ended up with the ninja tied up and hanging in the air.

"No. No you didn't get the information. ***ch." Ed grabbed his detached arm. "I didn't think that would work."

"Brother!" Ed looked over to find his brother carrying the other ninja. Paninya was with them too.

"Oh how's your afternoon been, Al? I guess we're just flat-out _better_than ninjas." Ed bragged.

"The plural and singular form of 'ninja' are the same thing, Brother." Al said. "Or so I've heard."

Ling popped up from nowhere. "Good job, everyone!"

"SCREW YOU, LING! I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR LAPDOGS TRYING TO SHIV ME ALL DAY!" Ed yelled.

Al didn't have much to say. "… What he said!"

Ling rubbed his chin. "I know! Work for me and we can take over this country!"

"NO!" Ed said.

"But Brother, the Fuhrer has a hot tub!"

"I don't care! I just wanna get my arm fixed and get out! I told you this place was bad news, Al! First people steal from me, then ninjas attack me! Rush Valley sucks, Al!"

"I wouldn't say that in front of the angry mob, Brother."

"What mob?" asked Ed. He looked and noticed an angry mob.

"YOU AND YOUR BROTHER DESTROYED MAIN STREET! FIX IT NOW!"

"Nuh-uh! It's all that guy's fault!" Ed pointed. The mob noticed a vampire flicking a light switch and smiling.

"Nosferatu!" everyone present said at once. Then the vampire pointed at Ling. The mob grew suspicious.

"Uhhhhh- Woohoo! It's-a-me! I don't-a speak your a-language very a-well. Pasta, symmetry, hi I'm Maxim and all that, bye!" Ling ran away, as did both ninjas. The mob turned back to Ed and Al.

"(**** me!)" Ed cursed inwardly. How was he supposed to fix this place without an arm? Al stepped in.

"It's okay Brother! I've learned how to use alchemy without a circle!"

"WHAAAAAAT? NO! THAT MEANS… YOU'RE TALLER THAN ME AND YOU'LL BE AS GOOD AT ALCHEMY!"

"Get over yourself, Brother."

…

That evening at Atelier Garfiel, the automail studio Winry was apprenticing at, found Ling as its visitor. He was chatting with the owner.

**Name - Garfiel**  
><strong>Specialty - Automail<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Likes tea<strong>

Ling noticed Ed and Al walk in. "Hel-lo! We meet again!"

"Oh hey what's up." Ed greeted, tired. Then he remembered who Ling was. "YOU B*****D!" He slapped Ling with his disembodied arm.

"Sir, please don't assault the guest." Garfiel said.

"AND JUST WHO THE H*** ARE YOU?" Ed yelled. "THIS HASN'T BEEN THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE, SO EXCUSE ME IF I'M A LITTLE SHORT-TEMPERED!"

Garfiel sipped more tea. "Well they say the temper is as short as the person with the temper…"

"WHAAAAAAAAA?" Garfiel had Ed where he wanted him.

"The ninjas' names are Lan Fan and Fu. They are the girl and old man respectively. Their family has served mine for generations." Ling was back to expositing at random.

**Name - Lan Fan**  
><strong>Specialty - Kunais<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Oh come on she's totally crushing on Ling<strong>

**Name - Fu**  
><strong>Specialty - Stealth<strong>  
><strong>Notes - What was that noise? …. Just a box<strong>

"Yeah, yeah, 'for generations'. One Major Armstrong is enough." Ed said.

"Brother, Major Armstrong hasn't actually said it that many times."

"Not now Al, mommy and daddy are talking." Ed turned his attention back to Ling. "So how is it some bum beggar can afford bodyguards?"

"Well being from Xing, my money's no good here." Ling sipped the tea Garfiel served him. It took him a while to realize he had only answered half of the question. "Oh and I'm the Emperor's son."

"You're a prince?" Al asked.

Ed slapped his forehead. "This is worse than that other prince we found on the road once." Then Ed sniffed Ling. "Yep. He smells like a prince. He also smells like fresh produce."

"Yes, I'm the Fresh Prince of Xing, ha-ha." Ling sarcastically spoke.

A kunai narrowly missed Ed's nose. He noticed. He then found Lan Flan glaring through the window at Ed from outside.

"GEEZ!" Ed shouted.

"NEVER MAKE FUN OF MASTER LING, EVER!" the ninja ordered. Ed rolled his eyes.

"Oh. Great. One's a mooch, one's a stick in the mud, and one's a parrot."

"A parrot?" asked Fu, from a point where he was unseen.

Ling started talking again. "The emperor has a lot of sons and daughters. Fifty in total." Garfiel did a spit take. "Yep!"

"Wow." said Al. "Your dad really gets around."

"Al, manners!"

"Hypocrite." Al insulted.

"See…" Ling tried to interrupt them. "He marries the daughter of each clan's chief. Then they have a baby."

"That's a lot of anniversaries to remember." said Ed.

"Brother, manners!"

"Nah." Ed dismissed.

"See! You're a hypocrite!"

A kunai found itself slightly wedged into Al's right arm.

Lan Fan was mad again. "You will listen to Master Ling when he speaks to you!" Ed and Al rolled their eyes.

"As I was saying… Emperor is my daddy, the chiefs of the fifty clans are his wives, one of them is my mother. He has forty-three children right now. Nineteen daughters, twenty-four sons, and I'm the twelfth son. But now he's dying of sickness, so all the people of the different clans are buttering him up in hopes that they can one day become the Emperor or Empress."

"Oh, because you're all competitive, violet little snots?" Ed asked. He anticipated another kunai and dodged it with minimal effort.

"So if I discover immortality, that might help the Yao Clan."

"But Ling… If you become the emperor, what will you do?" Al asked. "What would a typical day be like for the new emperor of Xing?"

Ling thought about that. "Well the first thing I'd do is…

_TALK TO ADVISORS (Like a bawss)_  
><em>FIFTY WIVES (Like bawss)<em>  
><em>LEAD THE COUNTRY (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>GET A SHINY CROWN (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>DIRECT ARMY (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>MY OWN BATHROOM (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>GET SOME NINJAS (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>PROMOTE CALIGRAPHY (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>HIT ON WIVES (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>FORGET WHICH ONE (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>MARRIAGE PROBLEMS (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>GET SOME TAXES (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>CALL FU AND 'FAN (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>CRY DEEPLY (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>DEMAND ATTENTION (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>EAT SOME RICE (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>MARRIAGE SCANDAL (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>NO THRONE FOR ME (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>FIFTH OF RICE (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>SMOOCH ANOTHER WIFE (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>BUY A GUN (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>IN MY MOUTH (Like a bawss)<em>

"Ling…" Ed said. "In what way is that-"

_BACKING OUT (Like a bawss)_  
><em>PUKE ON WIFE'S NEW ROBE (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>JUMP OUT A WINDOW (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>RIDE A DUDE'S PANDA (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>SCORE SOME FOOD (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>CRASH MY RICKSHAW (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>BUY MY OWN PANDA (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>EAT SOME CHICKEN STRIPS (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>CHOP MY HAIR OFF (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>BLACK OUT IN THE ALLEY (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>MEET A GIANT DRAGON (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>**** ITS BRAINS OUT (Like a boss)<em>  
><em>TURN INTO A JET (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>BOMB THE DRACHMANS (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>CRASH INTO THE SUN (Like a bawss)<em>  
><em>NOW I'M DEAD (Like a boss)<em>

"So…" Al started. "That's how you figure every day would be like as the emperor of Xing?"

"No doubt!" Ling said.

"You lose the throne and die." Ed recapped.

"H*** yeeeah." Ling was not denying any of this.

Garfiel spoke next. "And I think at one point you mentioned getting with a dragon?"

"Nope." said Ling.

"But-" Garfiel was interrupted.

"Nah that ain't me."

Ed rubbed his own head. "Well… that was an eye-opening look into your mind, Ling."

"So tell me about the Philosopher's Stone!"

"No." was Ed's answer. Ling started clinging to Ed.

"Then I'll just have to follow you until you change your mind!"

"NO MEANS NO!" Ed yelled. Garfiel sipped again.

"I think you should let him." said Garfiel.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Ed and Lan Fan shouted at the same time. Then Winry walked in.

"Ed, Al, did you see the nin-…..jas…" Winry stopped in her tracks when she saw Ed holding his arm detached from his body. "WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME, ED?"

"Well…" Ed started. "This guy and his ninjas-"

"I didn't ask what they did, I asked what you did!"

"Hey baby!" Ling saw Winry. "Come get the royal treatment!" Ed, Al, and Garfiel all slapped him at once. Then Ed explained what he did.

"… I set up a trap to defeat that pyscho, ninja ***ch outside." Ed pointed over his shoulder at Lan Fan.

"A pyscho, ninja ***ch?" repeated Fu, who'd finally shown himself. He was hiding under a box outside the whole time. He looked over to Ling. "Come with us."

"Okay!' Ling cheerily replied.

…

The three Xingese were on the roof.

"Young Lord, why are you putting yourself on the same level as these commoners?" Lan Fan asked. "Let alone commoners of such a war-hungry country like Amestris!"

Fu raised his eyebrow. "A war-hungry country, huh?"

Ling shrugged. "Hey, I want that Philosopher's Stone, so I'll do what it takes!"

…

Garfiel was overseeing Winry as she was fixing Ed's arm, later that night.

Winry was still mad. "You suck Ed! You're always breaking this!"

"It's only the third time!" Ed said defensively. Al tried to ease the tension.

"So… We're gonna go to Central."

Winry perked up. "I wanna go!"

"UHH, HELLO? Earth to Winry, you've kind of got a boss right there who needs you!" Ed pointed to Garfiel.

"It's all right Winry, you can take a break." Garfiel smirked.

"_You hate me…_" Ed muttered.

"Great!" Winry clasped her hands. "Now I can visit the Hughes family!"

"Fine…" Ed moaned. "We'll all three go to Central. Only fitting since that's how all three of us got here in the first place."

"Hooray!" Ling cheered from out the window. Ed and Al looked visibly annoyed, especially since they didn't know Ling was there. "Lan Fan! Fu! We're going to Central!"

…

Yoki was forced to steer a horse-drawn cart. May and Shao May were sleeping inside while Scar was cracking his nuts. Walnuts, that is. Yoki looked back to Scar.

"Sir… Just what exactly is your name again?"

"I don't have a name anymore…" Scar said.

"… Can I call you Bob?"

"No. Never." Scar answered. "E-Everyone just calls me Scar, so go with that. But not in public, I'm still wanted."

"You're no fun, Bob." Yoki whined.

"Call me that again and there will be one less person in this group before dawn."

Yoki gulped. "I hate my life…"

(_LIKE A BOSS!_)

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, the kids find out that Hughes died. Also, the homunculi decide to frame an innocent person. But whom? … Say that Father guy sure is handsome, am I right? I'm so smart too. Uh, I mean HE'S so smart. Not me. I'm not Father. Nope… *innocent whistle*_

(A/N: Fu's behavior is a reference to Solid Snake, since Fu always reminded me of Snake in Metal Gear Solid 4.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche**


	16. Footsteps of a Comrade In Arms

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime it was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

**...**

**Episode 16: O' Hughes Where Art Thou?**

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

The group had returned to Central's train station. Ed yawned.

"Man I'm sure glad to be here. The wide, open space will make it harder for those ninja creeps to spy on me." Ed told the others.

"Where has the Young Lord run off to?" Lan Fan and Fu asked Ed at the same time.

"How am I supposed to know? Maybe if you idiots watched him like you were supposed to do instead of watching me, you'd have an answer! Come on Al, Winry, let's go."

The Elric Brothers and Winry left as the ninjas were searching for Ling.

…

If Lan Fan or Fu had looked on the roof of the train station, they would've found Ling Yao. Ling was staring at Central Command.

"… I sense a disturbance."

…

_On November 13th, Vato Falman was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from Colonel Mustang. Deep down he didn't want to do it. But he also knew that some day, he'd exact vengeance on Mustang. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at an apartment with his acquaintance, Barry the Chopper. Several years earlier, society had HIM thrown out, requesting that he be executed. Can two men who can't be taken seriously share an apartment without driving each other crazy?_

_THE ODD COUPLE_  
><em>(Starring Vato Falman)<em>  
><em>(Starring Barry the Chopper)<em>  
><em>(Featuring Jean Havoc as HIMSELF)<em>

_Based on the manga,_  
><em>"Fullmetal Alchemist"<em>  
><em>By Hiromu Arakawa<em>

_Produced by_  
><em>Mike McFarland<em>

Jean Havoc walked into Falman and Barry's apartment, much to the joy of the studio audience. "I'm here." He lit a cigarette.

"Hey no smoking allowed!" shouted Falman said, taking the cigarette and putting it out.

(laugh track)

"It's about time you showed up…" Falman moaned. "Barry's chopped the dictionary, now I have nothing to read!"

(laugh track)

"Hey it's not my fault that I'm bored!" Barry yelled.

(laugh track)

"Besides…" the killer started, "Are you sure that was really a dictionary and not a fake dictionary created by-"

"YES, YES I'M SURE!" Falman yelled.

(laugh track)

Falman started rubbing his face. "We can't even play chess! Barry chopped my King in half with his cleaver!"

(laugh track)

"So… got any good news?" asked Falman. Havoc thought about it.

"You don't have to worry about your other duties, you're on sick leave. At least that's what the Colonel reported. Oh but the bad news is that if anyone at all in the entire world sees you, excluding me, Barry, Fuery, Breda, Hawkeye, and the Colonel, then you'll be court-martialed before you can even blink."

"You can blink?" asked Barry.

(laugh track)

"And turn that noisy thing off!" Falman yelled. Barry pressed a button on a speaker system, bringing an end to the studio audience sound effects.

"In other news, I met a girl here who's super hot! We're going out! I know I have a chance with this one, she's always talking about how handsome she finds me! Woohoo!" Havoc cheered. However, Falman and Barry stopped paying attention and started arguing over who's turn it was to do the dishes. Not that Havoc noticed, he was thinking about his new girlfriend.

…

Ling was collapsed on the street near two soldiers. They went to see what was the matter.

"What's the matter, son?"

"Food…" Ling moaned. "Need… food…"

"Where you from?"

"Xing…"

"Do you have a passport?"

Ling didn't answer this question. Before he could blink ("You can blink?"), he was being dragged to prison.

"Out of the way, folks!" the solider announced. "Illegal Alien!"

"Beep boop bop. Peew, peew! Take me to your leader!" Ling chanted. "We come in peace!"

Fu and Lan Fan dashed through, just missing the one they were looking for, their prince.

…

Ed, Al, and Winry were walking through the streets of Central.

"I'm gonna go see Mrs. Hughes and Elicia!" Winry told the other two. She then ran off, full of joy at the thought of seeing the Hughes family again.

"Say Brother, you think we should talk to Hughes about everything we've found out?"

"Sounds good." Ed acknowledged. "We should do that."

…

In one of the offices in Central Command, a secretary was speaking to fellow secretary Sheska about keys.

"So may I see the keys to Room Three?" asked the secretary. Sheska was nervous.

"Well… I can't really let anyone in there right now… Uhhh… Because… um… Uhhh…"

Mustang walked out of Room Three, yawning.

"That was a good nap… Afternoon, ladies. I have a meeting to get to." Mustang left the office.

"… Because of that." Sheska answered. The other secretary was so stupefied that she just left without speaking. Then Focker appeared.

"Hello Sheska."

"Hi Captain Focker! I love-"

"Books, I know." Focker said. "What was Colonel Mustang doing there?"

"I don't know, Sir!" Sheska answered. "I think he was looking into the Fifth Laboratory and the death of Maes Hughes."

"Well I have tons of work to do. So I'm leaving now." Focker started to walk away, but Sheska noticed something.

"Sir, since when do you do work? You're always talking about watching these guys play games."

"!" Focker was startled. "Yes… Well I have to do that too. 'Kay thanks bye." Focker power walked away. ("That was close… She could've found out that I'm actually Envy disguised as this bozo!")

…

Mustang had finished shaving and washing his face in the bathroom sink.

"I'll miss you, five o' clock shadow." Mustang said. Then Armstrong emerged from a bathroom stall, sparkly as ever. He started washing his hands.

"Hello, Sir. You appear to have lost some weight." Armstrong started a conversation, but Mustang wouldn't talk back. "… It's a lovely day-"

"I don't talk to other men in bathrooms." Mustang cut him off.

They finished their hygiene maintenance in silence, Armstrong doing so first. As the Strong Arm Alchemist was about to leave, Mustang turned to say one thing. "Oh by the way, I know about the Fifth Laboratory and what goes into a Philosopher's Stone. It's souls, right?"

"… That would be the large and the small of the matter, yes. Also the Elric Brothers are unaware of the death of Maes Hughes. They'd just blame themselves if they knew."

…

Ed and Al ran into Hawkeye in the hallway.

"You're here?" Ed asked. "Wait then that means… AW NO!" Mustang rounded the corner to join Hawkeye. "COLONEL'S HERE! Aw man, this place has gone downhill!"

"… Good day to you too, Fullmetal." Mustang sarcastically greeted. "I got moved here."

"Do you know where Lieutenant Colonel Hughes is?" asked Al.

"He's dea-" Hawkeye was about to answer, but Mustang covered her mouth.

"The Hughes family moved… to… the countryside! Yeah, that's it. To, um… to take over the family business."

"They have a family business?" Ed, Al, and Hawkeye asked at once.

"Umm… Yeah… they were… uhh… You never heard of the… Flying… Hughes… Brothers' Circus? Great show, it's run by his evil twin brother… in-law, um… Haes Mughes."

…

_A man who looked exactly like Hughes, but with a curly mustache was standing in a big top. He laughed as he twirled his mustache._

_"Muahahaha! I'll charge double for refills and only pour the drink into the cup halfway! Genius!"_

…

"So yeah, you'll never see him again." Mustang said. Hawkeye shook her head in confusion. She knew Mustang was lying through his teeth, and unconvincingly at that. But Ed and Al still bought it. Mustang ran away, and Hawkeye slowly walked after him. She'd managed to catch up.

"Colonel… They will find out someday."

"You're right. … Well not unless we can make that circus, anyway. We just need a big top, Gracia and Elicia, and a body double for Hughes and we'll force him to grow a curly mustache."

"Colonel, that's just silly."

"You're right. … A goatee would be much more convincing."

…

"So Hughes ran away to join the circus, huh?" Ed asked. "I guess we should tell Winry. I just hope she doesn't make us take her to that show." Ed started to leave, but he bumped into Ross.

"Sergeant Brosh? What are you doing here?" asked Al.

"I'm Second Lieutenant Ross. The other one was Brosh."

"We've just heard about what happened to Hughes. We didn't really see that coming." Al said. This shocked Ross.

"Y-You found out? It's very sad…"

"Yeah." Ed answered. "But he's happier now. Out there in the country, with the clowns and his evil twin brother-in-law, and his family." said Ed. Al nodded in agreement. Ross didn't get it.

"… Well that's one way to put it, I suppose…" she figured Ed and Al were in denial or using some strange euphemism that they were taking too far. "I heard he was promoted two whole ranks."

"Huh? But why would he be promoted for retiring to the country?" Ed wondered. "Unless…" Ross closed her eyes. She couldn't stand to see the look on the brothers' faces as they realized the sad truth. "Unless… He's on a secret mission!" Ed realized.

"That actually makes more sense than just randomly joining the circus." Al said. "… Oh wait a minute…"

Ed and Al stood there for a moment. "OH NO!" they screamed at once.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Focker<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Gracia Hughes<em>  
>…<p>

"He must've gotten hospitalized in a trapeze accident, had to retire as a result, and they promoted him out of respect!" Al theorized. "Poor Hughes! I hope he makes it out okay!"

"Me too, Al… Me too.

Ross slapped her forehead. They still weren't getting it.

…

Ed and Al were running through the city.

"WINRY!" Ed shouted. "THEY WON'T BE THERE! THEY'RE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE!"

"HE WAS IN A TRAPEZE ACCIDENT!" Al yelled, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Winry was within earshot.

…

Winry knocked on the door to the Hughes' apartment. Elicia opened the door.

"Hi daddy!"

"Hi Elicia! I'm not your father, but I'm still happy to see you!"

Elicia was depressed all over again.

…

"That's weird." Ed noticed. Hughes's old car is still here.

The brothers went to the Hughes' apartment to see if Winry was there. To their surprise, Gracia answered the door.

"Hello, you two. Winry's inside." Ed and Al nodded and entered. They found Winry sitting in a chair, melancholic. Elicia was clinging to her, also melancholic, though both were quiet. Ed cleared his throat.

"We… We've heard about the trapeze accident." Ed said aloud. Winry looked up and Gracia raised her eyebrow.

"… That's not what happened, Ed." Gracia said.

"Oh." Ed felt foolish.

"Regardless, you have our condolences." Al rested his hand on Gracia's shoulder.

"I heard a few details about the events surrounding the incident…" Gracia said. "Maes would want you two to keep moving forward, and not to blame yourselves.

The Elric Brothers didn't know how a hospitalizing circus accident would in any way be the fault of Ed or Al. But they wouldn't argue with a sad wife and mother. Gracia kept speaking.

"He always wanted to help anyone with any problem, so it was almost unavoidable, I guess you could say." Al tried to whisper something to Ed, but the older brother shushed him.

…

Ed, Al, and Winry left. After closing the door, the three of them could hear faint crying.

"Mommy please don't cry…" begged a sad Elicia.

"GEEZ LOUISE, THEY'RE REALLY LAYING ON THE SADNESS!" said the viewer.

…

Winry was crying in her hotel room while Ed and Al went back to their own.

"This is heavy stuff, Al." Ed said. "That trapeze incident must've been more serious than we thought."

"They have really good doctors in the countryside, so it can't be all that bad." Al said.

…

Winry, still depressed, stopped Ed when she saw him in the hallway. She'd asked for him to come into her room.

"I… I practiced making Apple Pie, just like the kind Mrs. Hughes made… I wanted to haves Mr. Hughes taste it… but now that he's gone… Oh Ed!" she started crying.

"It's all right, Winry. I'm sure that the hospital he's staying at allows visitors and food."

"… What?" she asked through her tears.

"Yeah! And if not, then maybe I could sort of transmute it or something into a liquid and it can be hooked up to his IV."

"… Edward… What are you talking about?"

"The trapeze accident! Hughes went to the countryside with his family to join a circus run by his evil twin-brother-in-law, Haes Mughes. He got in a trapeze accident, and now he's in the hospital. Not sure why his family is still here, though…" Ed started rubbing his chin.

"YOU IDIOT!" Winry yelled.

"What?"

"MR. HUGHES DIDN'T GO TO THE CIRCUS! HE WAS SHOT AND KILLED! IN CENTRAL! A FEW HOURS AFTER WE LEFT FOR RUSH VALLEY!"

"Wait… So Hughes is dead?" Ed asked. Winry nodded, despondent. "FUUUUUUUUU-"

…

Lust, Gluttony, and Envy (disguised as Focker) were sitting in a dimly lit room.

Lust was reading a Playgirl magazine. "So Roy Mustang is digging into the mystery of you killing Hughes?"

"Yep." Envy said.

Lust sighed. "And I thought moving his sweet *** to Central would work. I mean, this is where we can keep a better eye on him."

"What about your new boyfriend?" Envy asked.

"He won't talk. … And he's not my boyfriend. We just meet every now and again and make out. He keeps trying to take it seriously, though. He'd just better have some good information for me today. I'll be leaving now." She put her magazine aside and started leaving. "Coming, Gluttony?"

"Okay Lust! Can I eat your boyfriend?"

"No."

"How come I don't get to go?" asked Envy. "How come you always take Gluttony and never me?" They ignored him. "Would you take me if I told you that I had an idea that would keep Mustang out of our hair for a while?"

"But I don't have hair!" Gluttony said. However, Lust's interest was piqued.

"I'm listening…"

"Okay, picture this!" Envy said. "We set it up so Mustang finds his murderer!"

"… You're going to reveal yourself?" Gluttony asked.

"Envy, is this your plan to make yourself a martyr among the homunculi?"

"No! We just frame someone innocent as the killer!" Envy said. "Genius! I even have someone in mind! We'll get Maria Ross framed, she was one of the people snooping around the Fifth Laboratory!"

"Hm. I don't like losing another pretty face to look at, but it would be for our own good." Lust said. "Make it so."

"Yes! Now I can come with you and Gluttony on your date with that one guy, right?"

"No." Lust and Gluttony said at once.

"YOU TWO SUCK!"

…

"Oh hey, Second Lieutenant Maria Ross." said an older man.

**Name - Henry Douglas**  
><strong>Specialty - Food<strong>  
><strong>Notes - A bit on the pale side<strong>

Douglas spoke. "You're a prime suspect in the murder of Maes Hughes, so we're gonna… y'know, arrest you. "_Wow, that guy's a jerk_." whispered Douglas, regarding himself. "_Why is he whispering? I can barely hear what he's saying… Soon his voice is gonna CRACK!_" Ross was confused. "But no seriously, turn in your gun."

Ross was confused by this.

"But sir, I didn't-"

"Second Lieutenant, I'm really not in the mood for this… I just had a Hot Pocket earlier, and I'm not in any condition to argue." Douglas started whispering again. "_He looks fat. He must eat a lot of Hot Pockets._"

…

"Ross says she's innocent." Hawkeye told Colonel Mustang.

"Not buying it." Mustang was cleaning his ear with his pinky. "Buuut just to be safe… Go do a background check."

…

Havoc had bought some flowers and was running through the street and started coughing.

"Aaah! Man I should really quit smoking." Havoc finally made it to an outdoor restaurant. "Hey Solaris, I'm here."

Solaris looked up from a newspaper. She was actually Lust!

"Hello Jean. Don't mind my brother over there, he's a bit… eccentric." She set down the newspaper. "How was work? Tell me everything."

A chill ran down Havoc's body. But he ignored it.

"Well… Don't even get me started on my friends, Vato and Barry."

(laugh track)

_The End_  
><em>THE ODD COUPLE<em>  
><em>Directed by Jean Havoc<em>  
><em>Produced by Mike McFarland<em>

_Falman - Vato Falman_  
><em>Barry - Barry the Chopper<em>  
><em>Jean - Jean Havoc<em>  
><em>Solaris - Lust the Lascivious<em>

_Focker - Envy the Jealous_  
><em>Ed - Edward Elric<em>  
><em>Al - Alphonse Elric<em>  
><em>Colonel Mustang - Roy Mustang<em>  
><em>Ross - Maria Ross<em>

_Special Guests:_  
><em>Henry Douglas - Jim Gaffigan<em>  
><em>Haes Mughes - Maes Hughes<em>

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

"Muahaha! I'll steal from the audience and blame it on the clowns!" schemed Haes Mughes, now with a goatee. "Brilliant!"

_Next time, Ross's situation heats up._

(A/N: I didn't mean for the circus running joke to last much longer than the encounter with Ross, but it just kept going.)

(A/N: Well I start college in a few days, so this might be my last chapter of the summer. If it starts taking me longer than usual to write a new chapter, you know why.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche**

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!" Ed yelled.


	17. Cold Flame

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime it was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

**...**

**Episode 17: The Loss of Ross**

_I like to think I've lived a good life. It wasn't great, but I didn't have much to complain about. I did all the right things, I listened to my parents, I went to school, I even graduated near the top of my class. After that, I joined the military and worked my way up through the ranks. I didn't make it too far, but I was happy where I was. I even made a friend, Sergeant Brosh. We had to do a lot of jobs together, but that's a story for another time. Today's story is a story about how it all came to an end._

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Douglas and Ross were sitting across from each other in a sort of interrogation room.

"Hey I'm not saying I haven't thought about killing guy, but…" Douglas said before whispering. "_That guy's a homicidal maniac._" He went back to his normal tone. "This bullet we found in Hughes matches your bullets, and you've apparently fired one bullet recently, according to your report."

"But I told you, I shot it at a dangerous man who was about to kill Alphonse Elric! I haven't ever dreamt of shooting an innocent person!"

"And I haven't had a banana in a month, but you don't hear me bragging." said Douglas. Ross gulped.

…

"Majoooooor!" Brosh whined. "I know for a fact that Maria didn't kill Hughes, can't you do something?"

"It appears I cannot." said Armstrong. "Cheer up, Sergeant Brosh. I shall take you on a bicycle ride in the grassy hills around town, that always cheers me up."

"Um… No thanks."

…

Ed was sitting on the bed while Al and Winry were polishing Al's armor body.

"So sad…" sighed Ed. "Hey Winry, what do you think Al and I should do next?

"I'm worried that you two might die."

"What? Keep going? Okay." Ed said.

…

_THE ODD COUPLE_

Barry set a Queen down. He was playing chess with Falman. "Check!"

"… Barry, the Queen can't switch places with the other Queen at the beginning of the game."

"… What? Why not?"

"Well for starters- Hey wait!" Falman ran to the door and picked up a newspaper. "I thought I saw something over here!" Falman opened up the newspaper to find the daily political cartoon, but instead saw something more exciting. He ran to the phone. Barry was calmly cleaving all of Falman's chess pieces in the meanwhile. He was even whistling. Falman dialed a number.

"Operator! Connect me to Colonel Mustang! My code? 6-1-12-13-1-14." Barry walked over to see what the deal was and noticed a picture of Ross in the newspaper.

"Hey, I know her!"

…

"So sad…" Ed was lying on the couch alone that night, staring at the ceiling. Al burst in.

"BROTHER, GUESS WHAT!"

"Don't tell me that the trashcans started following you around again." Ed put a hand to his forehead.

"No, worse! Here!" He shoved a newspaper in Ed's face. The older brother's eyes widened.

"Oh no, this is bad! … They're making another movie about those vampires! The inhumanity!"

"That joke will be irrelevant, therefore unfunny, in five years." Al commented. "Also that's not what I meant. It's the article next to that one!" Al pointed at the article.

"… Ross is the one that shot Hughes?"

"Or so they're guessing!"

…

Ling was in a cell in the Central Prison.

"Waaa! I don't like it in here!" the prince moaned.

"YOU'RE DIFFERENT, SO I HATE YOU! I AM VERY HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT YOU'RE LOCKED UP AGAINST YOUR WILL!" said the guard.

"I'm only a minor! I just look older!"

"Sir!" said another guard. "We have an intruder!"

…

Barry was walking through the gunfire of the guards, not taking a scratch of damage.

"You all suck!" said Barry. One bullet managed to destroy a horn on his helmet and knock the helmet off, but the armor caught it and put it back on. "If I had a tongue, you'd all get a raspberry for that!"

"GHOOOOOST!" screamed the guards. They all fled. Barry passed by Ling's cell.

"Hey! Will you let me out? I'm just an illegal alien! I promise I'll let you see my spaceship!" said Ling.

"Eh, what the hey." Barry cut the lock on Ling's cell, letting him out. "I didn't know you were _that_kind of alien."

"Hooray!"

The two of them made it to Ross's cell. She was just moping about how all this suddenly happened to her.

"Ah, here's the one I came for!" said Barry. Ross looked up.

"AAAAAAHHH! THE GUY FROM THE FIFTH LABORATORY?"

"Cool, someone remembered me! Just like I'm sure Hughes's family remembers you for shooting their husband-slash-dad."

"I didn't do it!" Ross yelled.

Barry shook his finger. "Uh-uh-uh! The newspaper said you did, and as we know, newspapers are completely right every time!" Barry held out the newspaper for Ross to see. It appeared that the color faded from her face. "But it's cool, you can still get out of this if you leave with me and this alien. He's gonna show me his spaceship!"

"Beep-boop." Ling spoke like a robot. "Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey lady. Lady. Hey lady. What's your favorite thing about space. Mine is space. Space. GOTTAGOTOSPACE. LADY. SPACE."

…

"Sir!" a soldier spoke to Douglas. "Ross has escaped!"

"Huh. That doesn't sound good. Those guys in charge of her should get some help… I mean, I can barely nap through my job as it is! … _That guy better be joking_." said Douglas.

"Sir, _we're_in charge."

"Do we get help then?" asked Douglas.

"I'll call Mustang." the soldier said.

…

Ed and Al were walking through the alley and ran into Barry, Ross, and Ling.

"Ross?" said the brothers.

"Ed! Al! Boy am I glad to see you! Someone's framed me!"

Al noticed Barry. "YOU! HEY BARRY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM IN FACT A REAL BOY!"

Ed pointed at Barry. "Yeah so don't you go messing with his head again!"

"Oh that?" Barry asked. "Yeah I knew you were real, I was just making crap up to distract you."

"Oh great, Ling's here too." Ed noticed.

"SPAAAAAACE!"

"And it appears he's gone mad, Brother."

"Is there anyone we've ran into before that won't show up in this alley?" Ed asked.

"Hey! Lady! Go to the warehouse district and fast!" Barry ordered. Ross ran off and Ling watched.

"If you survive, could you find my spaceship?"

…

Ross was running for her life in the alley, but she stopped when she ran into the one most interested in Hughes's murderer.

"So…" said Mustang. "You're Second Lieutenant Ross, are you not?" he asked.

"Umm… Y-Y-Yes?"

Mustang pulled on his gloves, his face never losing that menacing glare.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEE!" Ross dropped down to her knees.

"Shut up." spat Mustang.

…

Al and Ling were watching Ed and Barry have a dance-off, when suddenly they heard a distinctive snapping sound, followed by a burst of flames not too far off.

"WHAT THE-?" the brothers exclaimed. They ran off to see what the situation was. At that time, Barry and Ling made their escape.

"So kid, what does your spaceship look like?" asked Barry.

"I don't know! I didn't even know I had one, but they called me an alien, so it must be true!"

Barry stopped. "… I think I hate you."

…

Ed caught up to Ross, but it would appear that Death got to her first. She was reduced a smoking corpse shaped only vaguely like a woman. Mustang was glaring at it.

"COLONEL, WHAT THE H***? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ROSS?" Ed gets a whiff of something. "AND WHY DOES SHE SMELL LIKE STEAK?"

"Revenge…" Mustang coldly uttered. "REVENGE!"

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Henry Douglas<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Roy Mustang<em>  
>…<p>"D*** YOU, COLONEL! WHY WOULD ROSS JUST SNAP AND KILL HIM? AND WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?" Ed grabbed Mustang's collar, before being shaken off.<p>

"Calm down, already. Since when do you speak that way to a superior officer?"

"Since when?" Ed was exasperated. "Don't single me out! Every single person in this military treats everyone else like crap, no exceptions! Don't play that card now!"

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Al asked.

"I'll tell you what happened, Al! Colonel Roy ****stang cooked Ross!" Mustang rolled his eyes at his new nickname.

"Colonel!" Al said. "I thought you were better than that!"

…

A while later, more soldiers showed up, including Douglas himself. He went up to Mustang to speak with him.

"_Oh that Mustang guy looks kind of hot. Maybe someone can ship this guy with Mustang_." Douglas whispered, pretending to be some sort of outside observer to this whole story of the military. "Mustang, what did you do, here? Sheesh..."

"Revenge, sir." Mustang smiled. "Revenge."

"… Eh whatever, see you at church." Douglas had obviously stopped caring about the entire Ross incident before it even began.

…

Ed, Al, and Armstrong were in the hospital's waiting room. A doctor walked up to them.

**Name - Dr. Knox**  
><strong>Specialty - Autopsies<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Unknown pathogens in his floorboards at home<strong>

"What the h*** are all of you doing here? This ain't a show, either get sick or get out!" Dr. Knox yelled. He turned to Mustang. "And you! You just suck! What the **** kinda demons run through your head that you'd burn someone so harshly for simply shooting?"

Mustang said nothing, and Ed couldn't agree with Knox more. Armstrong and Al were too distracted by their grief. Knox kept going.

"Well Colonel, you brutally roasted the killer of your friend. So how do you feel? Are you happy? Do you wanna go skip through the flowers out front? Maybe I should buy us some confetti and you can throw yourself a little party! You sicken me!" Knox started to walk away.

"… If I said, 'yes', would that make me a jerk?" Mustang asked.

The doctor shouted back, "Get killed!"

"Hm. And the perplexing thing is that Doctor Knox could not stand Second Lieutenant Ross. I suppose the grief must be insurmountable for him." Armstrong reflected as Mustang then stood up.

"Hey. Armstrong, Elric-"

"Hmm?" Al asked.

Mustang corrected him. "No, the other one."

"Aww, it's always Brother…" But now Mustang had both Armstrong and Ed's attention.

"Both of you. Go to Xerxes Ruins. Now."

"Okay." they both said.

"Good. In fact I know a nice lady near that area who'd be happy to see the both of you." Mustang rubbed his hands together, laughing. Luckily he wasn't wearing his gloves, so there was no accidental fire.

…

"And then Mustang killed Maria Ross, went about his merry way, and the homunculi lived happily ever after! The end!" Envy had reported to Lust. They were back in the room where Envy first proposed this scheme.

"Now tell me the story again, but this time… don't be afraid to repeat the dirty parts." Lust was a bit disinterested.

"There were no dirty parts."

"Then I don't care."

…

"Colonel, I want to take some leave." said Hawkeye. She put a request form on Mustang's desk.

"But-" Mustang was interrupted.

"Let me say that again. _Colonel, I want to take some leave._"

Mustang put his head in his hands and sighed. "Fine… just go." Hawkeye walked out and slammed the door. "Sheesh, what's with her?"

…

_THE ODD COUPLE_

"BARRY! WHY DID YOU LEAVE LAST NIGHT?" screamed Falman.

"I was bored."

"Well I'll have you know-" Falman was about to go on a tangent, but Barry couldn't care less. He went to the window.

"Hey! Space Boy! What are you doing out here?"

Outside, Ling was roasting a fish, fanning the smoke upward.

"I'm summoning the mother ship! Maybe then, the other aliens will give me my own spaceship!"

Lan Fan and Fu dropped from the sky. Barry noticed.

"Oh look Falman, those are the kid's friends he told me about! Lon Lon Ranch and Food!"

"Your own spaceship?" Fu asked his master.

Lan Fan bowed. "Young Lord, we've found you at last."

"Heeey you two aren't other aliens. Or are you? … Oh well, we're united again! Hooray!" Ling cheered.

…

Mustang was talking on the phone in his office.

"Why hello there… um… uh… Colleen. How's my lovey… person?" Mustang didn't know how to talk to women.

"Oh things are going pretty slowly, my Cutie Pretty Lovely Lighter! Are you sure your assistant won't be mad?"

"Nope! She's on leave, meaning I can gab on the phone all I want! I was thinking about taking leave myself, actually. Maybe a fishing trip would help me find all the answers I need.

…

Armstrong was carrying Ed through a hallway.

"But Major, I don't wanna go to Xerxes Ruins!"

"I'm afraid that is not up to us, Edward Elric. Colonel Mustang told us to go, so we must go. He is our superior after all."

"And since when do we do what he tells us?"

Breda appeared. "Major. Big Guy. Let's go to Xerxes."

"WHY ARE YOU COMING?" Ed asked. Breda shrugged.

…

Envy and Lust were in the same room as before. The perpetually jealous homunculus gave his pervert of a sister a sketch.

"It looks kinda like that Sixty-Six guy from the Fifth Laboratory." Envy said. "But I can't find him."

Lust looked down at the crazy caveman in the cage next to her.

"Hmm… Looks like I'll get more use out of Barry the Chopper's body than I thought…" She grinned evilly.

Envy was creeped out. "Um… Yeah I'm just gonna ignore that one entirely."

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Ed and Armstrong find a pleasant surprise in Xerxes Ruins._

(A/N: The numbers in Falman's code each correspond to a letter in his name.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Ross**


	18. The Arrogant Palm of a Small Human

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 18: Still Alive**

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Armstrong and Ed were in Risembool, on their way to Xerxes Ruins. They passed a kid with long hair braids and a miniature panda, and this person was somehow not May Chang, meaning there are two braided hair children with miniature pandas. It was at this point that the travelers ran into Breda.

"Hey guys, glad to see you two finally made it!" Breda greeted.

"What are you talking about?" Ed asked. "You were on the train with u-" but Ed couldn't finish, Armstrong leaned in and whispered.

"Edward, please don't ruin this for him."

…

"I'm worried about Ed." Al and Winry said at the same time. They were alone in the apartment, and confused by the fact that Ed hasn't called them yet.

"Do you think he's okay?" Winry asked.

Al shrugged. "I'm not sure. You say Ed never calls you when we're out abroad, so it's probably just the same thing. I'm just so confused."

"Fact, space does not exist. Xingese who insist on going to space are inferior to those who don't. Ling is a handsome Xingese with many friends, and his insights are always relevant." reported Ling, who had come out of nowhere.

"Oh hi Ling." Al said. Then it hit him. "LING? HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"

"I used my alien powers to warp in and- … Window." Ling changed the subject. "Fact, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens."

"Where exactly did you come from before using the window?" asked Winry.

Ling raised his finger. "Fact, the square root of rope is string."

"I think we should give up on asking him." Al said. "He's convinced he's an alien. Or an alien robot. Either one."

…

Ed was dying, or so he'd have one believe, under a cloak and on top of a horse in the desert.

"HOOOOOOOOT! IT BURNS!"

**Name - Mr. Han**  
><strong>Specialty - Riding through the desert<strong>  
><strong>Notes - None<strong>

Breda looked back down from staring at the sun, quite a bad thing to stare at. "Mr. Han, how much longer?"

"I dunno." the guide answered.

…

Ed had finished soaking in a pond to cool off his automail, when Fu walked up to Armstrong and Breda.

"So this is Xerxes, huh?" asked Ed. "It's a lot like the fable."

Fu raised his eyebrow. "Fable?"

Ed explained as he was wringing his shirt, "Yeah, the Eastern Sage. He came from Xerxes to Amestris after its destruction. He taught the natives alchemy as our country knows it today. He also had a habit of describing his own actions like a storyteller."

An exclamation point appeared over Fu's head. He then spoke. "In Xing, we have a similar tale. The Western Sage, he came from Xerxes at the same time. He taught us alkahestry, and while he didn't narrate himself, he kept speaking to people who weren't there."

"Hmm. One man with odd speech habits leaving Xerxes after its destruction, in order to teach a form of alchemy. Two tales with many similarities and differences." Armstrong recapped.

Breda raised his hand. "Hey Old Man Fu, how did an advanced civilization like Xerxes get wiped out in one night?"

"I don't know."

"Edward! Major!" a woman's voice called.

"Lieutenant, when did your voice become so feminine?" Armstrong asked Breda.

"It wasn't me. Look over there." Breda pointed to a pile of rubble. On top of it was a womanly figure with what seemed to be short hair. It took a few seconds, but when Ed and Armstrong figured it out, their faces were drowned in smiles.

…

_Both of you. Go to Xerxes Ruins. Now. … I know a nice lady near that area who'd be happy to see the both of you._

…

Mustang's words rang in their heads. The silhouette was none other than Maria Ross, still alive and completely unscathed from her fatal run-in with Colonel Mustang's wrath. Armstrong removed his shirt.

"SECOND LIEUTENANT! HOW JOYOUS THIS DAY IS, NOW THAT I KNOW YOU ARE STILL AMONG THE LIVING! COME, AND FEEL THE HAPPINESS OF MY EMBRACE!" he ran over to the pile of rubble, intending to climb it and hug his subordinate.

"… Uh-oh." Ross realized that he wasn't kidding. Breda put his hand on Ed's shoulder.

"Yep, Colonel Mustang sure is awesome, huh Big Guy? This was all a part of his plan."

Ed raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

…

_Breda slapped a newspaper on Mustang's desk. It had the story of Ross framed as the killer on the front page. "Colonel, this is weird."_

_"What, the fact that you're the only one in my team who came into work today?"_

_"No, I mean how they made a big deal of arresting her in public, then announcing her guilty in the newspaper before even giving her a trial." Breda said. "I think this is a conspiracy."_

_"Hmm… To be fair to Douglas, he's always kind of a ham when he's not being deadpan about laziness and food…" Mustang stroked his chin. "But you're onto something."_

_Then the Colonel got a phone call. He picked it up._

_"Who is this?"_

_"You have a phone call from the Odd Couple. Shall I connect them?"_

_Mustang shrugged. "Eh, why not?" He was connected to Falman immediately. "What is it, Warrant Officer?"_

_"Colonel, I think-"_

_"HEY COLONEL! IT'S ME! THE GUY STAYING WITH FALMAN! YOU KNOW, BA-"_

_"Jerry?" Mustang faked shock. "I haven't spoken to you in years! Listen, hold that thought. I'll talk to you in a few minutes."_

_…_

_Mustang and Breda were at a phone booth. "Now what, Barry?" Mustang asked._

_"Maria Ross didn't shoot that Hughes guy, she shot at me! I still have the hole in my hand!" Barry's voice sounded excited._

_"Hmm… Hey Barry, wanna go bust her out?"_

_"Sure!" Barry answered from the other side. "How should I tell Falman? … Oh well, I'll just knock him out. HAI-YA!" There were sounds of a fight, but Mustang was helpless and careless to stop Barry from knocking Falman out. Mustang hung up and walked out. He turned to Breda._

_"Whatever-your-rank-is, I'll need you to get me some pork, carbon, and false teeth."_

_"I can get the first and third ones from my grandmother's house. But how do I find carbon?"_

_"Use your imagination. And fast. We don't have much time. I'm gonna make a charred corpse."_

_Breda was shocked. "Wait, how? They'll need to identify it! And even if they can't recognize the body, they'll still go by her teeth!"_

_"Eh I'll just bribe Dr. Knox. He owes me one, after all."_

_…_

_Ross found herself in the alleyway with Mustang._

_"You're Second Lieutenant Ross, are you not? (Phew, after rehearsing that line, it came out perfectly.)"_

_"Umm… Y-Y-Yes…?"_

_Mustang pulled his glove, glaring at Ross._

_"PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEE!" yelled the escaped woman, falling to her knees and weeping._

_"Shut up." spat Mustang. "I can't have you screaming and crying when I need your help with this. Come over here and help me pull this thing out of the dumpster."_

_Confused, Ross slowly walked over to Mustang, and helped him pull out what looked like a vaguely female corpse made of beef._

_"Beef? I specifically told Breda to make it pork! Leto **** it, Breda! Always thinking he knows best!"_

_"Colonel Mustang, if you're going to kill me-"_

_Mustang ignored what she was saying. "I'll need that." He took off her prisoner bracelet and put it onto the false body's wrist. He set it on the ground, and looked up to Ross. "This thing's gonna take the fall for you. The woman known as Maria Ross will be dead from today, and you will be in hiding in Xing. I'll have your magazine subscription details adjusted accordingly."_

_Roy deep fried the body. Afterwards, he tossed Ross into a dumpster. Havoc broke a hole in the walls of the dumpster and the building next to it._

_"Hey Second Lieutenant." Havoc greeted. "Come with me." He grabbed Ross and took her into the building. From the sounds of it, Ed had just arrived. His voice was audible through the walls._

_"COLONEL, WHAT THE H***? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ROSS? AND WHY DOES SHE SMELL LIKE STEAK?"_

_"I guess Fullmetal's here." said Havoc. "And the beef was cooked to perfection." He sniffed. "I can actually smell it from here… Now I'm hungry."_

_Ross was confused. "Lieutenant Havoc, what's going to happen to me?"_

…

Fu was telling everyone a story in Xerxes Ruins.

"Then the Young Lord made a deal with Barry. So that's how I ended up having to take this woman to Xing. And here we are."

Breda added to this. "Also, Colonel Mustang has an idea on how to find out who's responsible for this whole conspiracy. Since Barry made a show of himself, the bad guy probably noticed, and they'll send someone to get him."

…

In Central, Barry's body was growling from atop a stoplight. He was a human in appearance only, his behavioral patterns were that of an animal's. "Grrrrr!"

"Look Mommy, weird man!"

"We don't look at weird people, Billy."

"Aww, mom!"

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Alex Louis Armstrong<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Maria Ross<em>  
>…<p>

Lan Fan was watching Ling speak to Al and Winry from outside. She was muttering to herself. "Ceiling Ninja is watching you exposit."

"So that's how Roy Mustang saved the lady's life, got things to go his way, started a plan to capture bad guys, got my servant to take the lady to Xing, and still not let me have a spaceship." Ling explained. "The end."

"Okay." Al and Winry were disinterested with Ling's story, sitting on the floor and playing cards.

"If I helped with this, Barry was going to tell me how he got immortal, but he just said to ask you. So tell me!" Ling said. Al looked up.

"Umm… No."

…

"How did I get wrapped into this?" Ross moaned, head in her hands on her lap. The entire group in the ruins were all discussing current events as Armstrong finished a detailed sketch of Lust. "And worst of all, now I have to believe that homunculi are a part of this?"

"Hey guys, just thought I'd remind you all, but I'm sad that Hughes died." Ed told the others. He slouched over, after realizing that he reminded himself of the death. "… So sad…"

Armstrong crossed his arms after setting the sketch down. "What will be your next move, Edward?" Ed lowered his head in angst.

"I'm gonna keep trying anyway. It's what Hughes would want, after all. I can't let this stop me. So many people are trying to help Al and-" as Ed went on a monologue about his goals, everyone started a new conversation without him. Armstrong went first.

"So Lieutenant, I would be correct in assuming that you're going to Xing?"

"Yes sir."

…

At dusk, everyone was watching as Ross, Fu, and some Xingese were preparing horses for the trip to Xing. Ed was miffed that no one listened to his speech earlier. Armstrong spoke to Ross.

"I suppose I'll tell Sergeant Brosh that-"

Ross's eyes widened. "No! He can't keep a secret! Remember last spring?"

Armstrong and Breda shuttered.

"All to well…" the Major answered. "What of your parents?"

"No… it'd make things more convincing if they didn't know." decided Ross.

"Well right then." Armstrong stood up.

"I still owe you for slapping me, Lieutenant." Ed told Ross. She laughed.

"All right then Edward, when we meet again."

Ed wasn't laughing. "No I'm serious, I owe you a slap." Things were awkward for about a minute.

"… Yeeeah…" Ross said. "Um… See you later."

…

The group had mounted their horses and started off for Xing. Ross was curious about something, though.

"Mr. Fu, what kind of place is Xing?"

"What kind of place is Xing? Well aside from the power struggle and the fact that all the clans are out for each others' blood, it's an honest place, full of hard workers. We celebrate our culture."

"Hmm. … So it'll be sort of a paradise?" she asked.

Fu had to think for a minute. "A paradise? Well as long as you do your fair share, I don't see any problems. Oh, and don't cry. You'll need all the water you can keep in you for this trip."

Ross blinked. "I wasn't crying."

"… Oh."

…

Mustang was once again on the phone with Colleen, his girlfriend.

"Want me to come on over after work, my honey… lady?" Mustang asked. He still had no clue how to speak to women.

"I'm a bit busy at the moment, Roy. My brother, Kevin, and I are dealing with a rude customer. He's real animalistic." Mustang's girlfriend explained over the phone.

…

Someone who looked a lot like Fuery was in a dark room, speaking over the phone.

"Mike, we'll need you to take care of this customer. Before he does anything to Kyle and Jerry."

"All right, F- I mean Kevin." said Mike.

…

_THE ODD COUPLE_

Falman finished sipping some coffee. "Ugh… this brand's went downhill ever since Fuhrer Bradley took over and added his own ingredients to it. Whoever allowed him to make 'tangerine' a flavor for coffee ought to be shot."

Barry's body jumped through the window and tackled Falman.

"OW!" Falman screamed. Barry ran out of the bathroom, cleaver at the ready.

"So we finally meet!" said the suit of armor. Barry and his body got into a fight as a masked man walked in and started shooting at the body. Falman focused carefully.

"I'd know that impending lung cancer anywhere. Are you Jean Havoc?"

"Shhh!" the man angrily made the sound to Falman. "I'm under cover! You are to refer to me as 'Mike', 'Kyle'!"

"Vato. That's my name."

"Your codename is Kyle!"

"… Oh yeah."

Barry thought for a moment. "Hey! You're my body! Awesome! Now I can cut you up! It's not everyday I get a chance to cut my own body!" At the sound of this, the killer's body ripped off the armor's right arm and jumped out the window.

"After him!" Havoc yelled.

…

Havoc, Falman, and Barry caught up to the body outside. The body was about to kill Havoc from behind, but luckily he was shot from a distance. The bullet originated from a sniper in the clock tower nearby. It was none other than Riza Hawkeye.

"Got him. So anyway Roy…" Hawkeye started. "My other brother, Mike, was having some difficulty with the customer, so I got him right in the hand."

"Cold…" Mustang commented from the other side. "But that's what I like about you."

This was no ordinary phone call. This was possible due to Kevin (Kain Fuery) hooking up a phone to a radio system. He was a communications specialist, after all.

…

"No 'Jerry', you can't chop him up." Havoc told Barry.

"Come oooooon!" Barry whined. "If our roles were reversed, I'd let you do it!"

Havoc rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah and that's why I'm glad the roles aren't reversed."

"Come on! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"

…

Ed noticed some kind of remains of a wall in the ruins. Part of it was gone, but the part that was left had what looked like a transmutation circle.

"… This might be important." Ed commented.

"WE HATE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR RACE DRIVING US OUT OF OUR HOME AND KILLING A LOT OF US!" screamed a mob of Ishvalans.

"Aaaah! How'd you all get here?" asked the Fullmetal Alchemist.

One Ishvalan answered. "Oh we live here now. By the way, there are only two Amestrains we don't hate. The doctors Rockbell, they helped everyone, regardless of sides. Too bad an Ishvalan that they saved killed them with his tattooed arm."

"Um… good to know? I'm just gonna… I'm just gonna go back to Central with the Major and the Lieutenant, now… Okay, seeya."

…

"-?" asked Barry.

"NO." was Havoc's stern answer.

Hawkeye was watching them from the tower.

"Now what?" Mustang asked.

"Oh, Kyle and Mike are arguing with Jerry. … I think another customer is behind me. Call you back." Hawkeye hung up and turned around. "And you are…?" They approached menacingly, and Hawkeye sensed danger. She shot him, but he recovered instantly, much to the Lieutenant's horror.

The stranger smiled. "I'm so excited… I GET TO EAT YOU!"

_Gluttony the Voracious._

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, someone important dies. … This early on, I guess they weren't that important to begin with._

(A/N: The codenames of Roy's team and Barry are all the names of their dub voice actors.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche**


	19. Death of the Undying

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 19: Hot Roy on Lust Action**

In the clock tower in Central, during an ominous sunset, Hawkeye's speaker was alone on the floor, with Mustang's voice calling for her, with more concern each time?

"Lieu- I mean Colleen? Are you okay? Colleen? Hello?"

…

"Hmm… This could end up like Hughes… I should probably help her." Mustang got up from his desk and ran out.

"Sir, where are you-" a soldier was interrupted.

"I'MNOTHELPINGLIEUTENANTHAWKEYE,I'MGOINGFISHING'KAYTHANKSBYE!"

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Ling was still in Al's apartment, talking to Al and Winry. He hadn't stopped assuming he was some kind of alien robot, either.

"I don't wanna scare ya, but I'm an Adventure Xingese. Born for danger, so just take a break and I'll take it from here." Ling then turned his attention to Winry. "Hey pretty lady? You off havin' an adventure? Always time to compliment a lady. Times like this I wish I brought all my belts from Xing. I'm a Black Belt in pretty much everything. Karate, Ju-Jitsu, Kick-Punchin', Tae-Kwando, belt makin'… _bedroom_."

"Well I never!" Winry furiously slapped Ling across the face.

Al realized something. "Uh-oh." Al quickly tackled Winry, just in time to avoid a kunai from Lan Fan outside. "Yeah, you might want to avoid doing that, Winry. Ed did the same thing."

"So tell me about immorality now!" Ling demanded. "If you don't, I'll just brag about space, various facts, and my awesome bravery until you give in! We aliens aren't afraid of a challenge, I'll do it for as long as it takes!"

"Um…" Al needed an excuse to get out of this. "How about I tell you when I come back from helping Colonel Mustang? He seems to have his hands full and could do with help. OKAYBYE!" Al ran out. Ling turned back to Winry.

"Oh no…" the girl moaned.

Ling stood up for this part of his monologue. "I am a coiled spring! Tension and power!"

…

Gluttony was holding Hawkeye by the throat with both hands. She kept trying to shoot him, but there were no lasting effects.

"DINNER TIME!" the homunculus roared. Hawkeye gulped as Gluttony opened his mouth and revealed the tattoo on his tongue. At this point, Black Hayate appeared and bit Gluttony's neck, causing him to let go. "Owie!"

Gluttony tossed Hawkeye across the room like a rag doll. She got back up and got her second wind, just in time for Black Hayate to leap away from Gluttony.

"Oh no!" screamed Fuery. He tossed Hawkeye a gun. "Catch!" Except Hawkeye only just now noticed Fuery, and the gun bopped her on the head.

"Ow!"

"Sorry, Lieutenant…" Master Sergeant Fuery apologized. Both officers readied their guns and started shooting Gluttony. The repeated shots managed to push him back to the window, but he wasn't finished until Mustang appeared and blasted the homunculus with fire, sending him out the window.

"And that's why I'm awesome." Mustang said.

"COLONEL, HOW DARE YOU DO THAT?" Hawkeye yelled.

"Excuse moi?"

"NOW THEY KNOW THAT YOU'RE INVOLVED!"

Mustang rubbed the back of his neck. "Eh I wouldn't worry about it. I doubt they were watching. And if that guy somehow made it out of all that just fine, I doubt he'd be smart enough to remember who I am."

"YOU'RE A COMPLETE IDIOT!"

"Please…"

"Hey guys?" Fuery asked.

"WHAT?" Mustang and Hawkeye angrily turned to Fuery at once.

"Um… Barry and his body are on the move."

"Oh…" the other two spoke at once.

…

Roy's car pulled up, and Havoc jumped into the back, breaking the window.

"HAVOC, WHAT THE H***?"

"I… I…" Havoc sighed. "I thought it'd make me look cooler. … To be fair, who has their windows up in this heat?"

"It's autumn!" Mustang corrected.

"Well-" Havoc tried to justify himself, but couldn't. Luckily for him, Alphonse appeared.

"Hi everyone! I want to help!"

Mustang, Hawkeye, and Havoc shrugged at once. Al got into the car, and they all drove off after Barry, who was off after his own body, who was off to who-knows-where. Hawkeye was in the passenger's seat, restocking her gun while Havoc was figuring out a way to smoke while wearing a mouth-less mask and being squeezed between Al's size and the door.

"So do you think Blubber Boy will try to eat us again?" Hawkeye asked. "Fuery and I kept shooting him right in the face, but he never died."

Mustang was about to answer, but Al interjected. "Yeah he's a homunculus. They don't die."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Mustang.

"Well one time in Dublith, I met a homunculus named Greed. Very selfish guy. He kept getting in situations where he'd be dead, but he kept healing himself naturally and then he'd be perfectly fine!"

Mustang took one hand off the wheel in order to slap his own forehead. "Great, so we'll have to prepare for Round Two against Fatty, huh? Great…"

…

Roy's car pulled up to the Third Laboratory. It was like the Fifth Laboratory, but still in use. At this time, Ling and Lan Fan were getting into a fight with Gluttony and Envy, but no one cared. Mustang, Hawkeye, Havoc, and Al got out of the car and found Barry near the gates.

"Oh hey guys. I'M GOING INTO THE BUILDING TO CHOP MY BODY NOW!" Barry readied his cleaver with his remaining arm and then entered the lab. Mustang wiped his forehead.

"Good, now we have an excuse to get inside."

…

The gang followed Barry into a hallway deep within the lab, all the way to a fork in the road.

"All right gang." Havoc clapped his hands. "Let's split up. Lieutenant and I will-"

"Not be in the same group." Mustang told his subordinate. "I don't trust you with her. She's going with innocent Alphonse over there." Mustang pointed to Al.

"(Score!)" Al mentally cheered. Mustang and Havoc went one way, leaving Al and Hawkeye to go the other.

…

Mustang and Havoc were in their end of the hall, searching for Barry.

"Say Colonel… if you ever do become Fuhrer… what's your first order of business?"

"What do you mean, Havoc?"

"Is there a… thing you might want to have done? To the uniforms? An… article of clothing perhaps?"

"Well…" Mustang considered. "There will be some changes. On that day… all female officers… will be required to wear…"

"(Oh boy here it comes!)" Havoc waited with anticipation.

"_Pink _versions of the standard uniform! That way we can tell which gender everyone is without slipping up. Because that's always awkward." Mustang said.

"Awww… I was hoping you'd say the famous line." Havoc whined.

"The famous what now?"

"Never mind… Oh hey look!"

…

Mustang and Havoc found themselves in an abandoned lab room. It was dark and there were many tools that implied painful experimentation.

"Huh…" Havoc removed his mask. "He's not here."

"Well now, why would you want a man, when you can have little old me?" said a familiar, feminine, slightly tired voice. Havoc was confused.

"… Was that you, Colonel?"

"Don't be stupid, Havoc."

"Havoc? Oh yeah, my booty man." Lust walked out of the shadows.

"Solaris? What are you doing here?" Havoc asked.

"You know this woman, Havoc?"

"Umm… Well we-" Havoc tried to dance around the subject, but Lust answered for him.

"We make out a lot. Except now, I have to kill him. And you." Mustang noticed the tattoo on her collarbone.

"Hey! That's the tattoo that Al mentioned when he talked about Greed and that fat guy!" Mustang called out.

"You caught me, I'm a homunculus. I do like smart men… If you want, before I kill you, we could… you know-"

Mustang snapped his fingers and threw a fireball, but Lust sidestepped it.

"I love it when they play hard to get." said the homunculus.

"I can see how you fell for her." commented Mustang. "She's about as ready to go as you are. Either that, or her chest distracted you."

"I CAN'T HELP IT, SIR!" Havoc weeped. "IT'S MY WEAKNESS!"

"Well as long as you didn't tell this woman anything about the military."

"No sir."

Lust chuckled. "Please, I don't care about the military, just whatever you're all doing."

Mustang pointed a gun at Lust. "Did you kill Maes Hughes?"

"Oh him? Goodness, that man looked good…" Lust stared off, almost starting to drool. She snapped herself out of it and continued speaking. "But unfortunately, I did not. I almost did, but he threw a knife at me. Hit me dead-on. I hadn't been that annoyed since one of my younger brothers starred in that commercial."

…

_**"BODY ODOR IS SUCH A PAIN… APPLYING DEODORANT IS A PAIN, TOO… BUT I USE B-O-GO ANYWAY, AND NOW LADIES LOVE ME…"**_

…

"I tried using B-O-Go, and ladies most certainly did not love me." the homunculus complained. "But anyway, no. I'm not the one who killed him. I wish I did, though." Mustang shot Lust a few times, but she healed. "Nope, that won' work. Silly boy."

"Am I…" Havoc started. "Am I the only one who finds this kinda hot?"

Lust shook her head. "No, I do too."

Colonel shook his head too, but for different reasons. "Both of you have problems. You were made for each other."

Lust extended her claws and opened up a hole in her chest, between her breasts. Inside the hole was a Philosopher's Stone.

"Feast your eyes on this, boys."

"Oh I'm feasting." Havoc said with a smile. Mustang smacked him on the back of the head.

"She meant the Philosopher's Stone, idiot!"

"Either way, really." Lust commented. "This is what I have instead of a heart. It's the source of my power."

Havoc scratched the back of my head. "I had no idea my girlfriend was some kinda monster. Weird."

"Now, now Jean. I still have feelings. I still have all five senses. I am human. Just made better. … Also I don't have a literal heart and my clothes are a part of my body. But that's all."

"So that's why you never-"

"HAVOC, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!" yelled Mustang. "But needless to say, I think you'll need to break up with this woman."

"Yeah, yeah…" Havoc moaned. "Could be worse. Could be like that time I dated Major Armstrong's little sister."

Mustang pulled on his other glove while Havoc brought out a gun, but Lust cut a pipe on the ceiling, causing water to dowse everyone in there. "No playing with fire, Colonel." taunted the lascivious homunculus. She started slicing and dicing everything in the room, but the two men managed to make it into the hallway.

"Why… Why isn't she following us?" Havoc asked.

"I dunno. But she made a big mistake. I'm useless in _rain_, but not in just any kind of water. I'll transmute the water into hydrogen… hydrogen… into hydrogen-whatever, and set the room on fire. She'll be toast!"

"I can hear both of you." called Lust. "… Why _aren't _I following you, anyway?"

Roy Mustang transmuted the water exactly as he claimed, and managed to turn the water into essentially gasoline. Havoc lit his lighter and tossed it in before covering his ears.

_BOOM!_

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lust screamed. She was blown to smithereens.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Jean Havoc<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Lust<em>  
>…<p>

"I'll miss her, sir." Havoc said as he and Mustang returned to the room. It was a wreck, and completely burnt. Lust was nowhere to be seen.

"Havoc, she tried to kill us."

Havoc whined. "But she was hooooot!"

"More like knee-deep in the Uncanny Valley." Mustang said.

Lust's fingers emerged from a hidden location, goring Havoc.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Lust retracted her fingers as she revealed her location, regenerating all the while.

"Now Colonel, that's just rude…"

Mustang turned around and noticed what'd happened. "Oh yeah? Well so is killing us!" Mustang ran up to Lust and knocked her onto her back.

"Oh dear? Are we going to-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF LETO, SHUT UP ALREADY!" screamed Mustang. He ripped the Philosopher's Stone out of its still visible location, causing Lust's body to disappear. "… Good."

Mustang walked over to Havoc, whistling no song in particular.

"Don't worry Havoc, I'll try to heal you with this thing right he- HUH?" Mustang looked to the stone he was holding and noticed Lust reforming around it.

"Maybe you should've cleaned those veins and arteries off of it first. I regenerate from my core, after all."

"In retrospect, good idea, lady." Mustang said. However all the agreement in the world couldn't have saved him from the subsequent stabbing.

…

The presidential limo pulled up to the front of the Third Laboratory. King Bradley stepped out.

"… Hey wait. This isn't my house." said the Fuhrer.

"Fuhrer Bradley! Colonel Mustang is dealing with a killer inside!" said a soldier working at the lab.

"So?"

"The killer responsible for the prison break."

"Oh yeah, that guy. I guess I'll help Colonel Mustang kill this man, then." He drew one of his many blades. " ALONE. Meaning all of you schmucks stay outside."

"Yes, Your Excellency."

"I just hope this sword that Envy bought doesn't crap out on me. Knowing him, he'd buy me a lousy sword out of petty jealousy. Does he know who I am? I'm freaking Wrath the Furious!"

The soldier was confused. "What was that, sir?"

"Shoot I shouldn't have said that out loud. Um… Here's a Cen, go have a vacation." Bradley flipped the soldier a Cen and walked into the lab.

…

Lust let a bloody Mustang fall to the floor. She removed his glove and then proceeded to rip it to shreds.

"There. No more Flame Alchemy for you. Now you can just lay there and think about what you've done. And if you get bored, you can watch Jean die." Lust started to leave. "I _will_ be coming back for your bodies later. What Father doesn't know won't hurt him." She left the two alone, lying in their own blood.

Mustang thought about this. "(… At least I'll be dead when that happens. Wait no! I'm Roy Travis Mustang! I can't die like this!)"

…

Al and Hawkeye caught up to Barry at last. They were in a large, white room. On the far side was a giant door with a design on it, much like the one Ed found in Xerxes Ruins. The two people noticed that Barry's cleaver was dripping with blood. His body was on the floor, bleeding. Barry had gotten what he wanted.

"Oh hey you guys!" Barry waved his cleaver. "Today was a good day! I just can't believe how quickly my body decayed. I guess it can't hold up with a stranger's soul in it."

"(Oh no!)" Al realized. "(… I forgot to turn the sink off in the apartment! And I didn't tell Winry or Ling about it!)"

Barry noticed something behind Al and Hawkeye. "Hey if it isn't Busty Lusty herself!" Al and Hawkeye turned around, the First Lieutenant had her gun ready.

"Number Sixty-Six… I'm going to count to three, and by that time I want you to tell me why you've betrayed us. One…" she counted slowly.

"Because I felt like it!" Barry rested his cleaver on his shoulder. "No other reason, really. I just gotta be me! Now… IT'S TIME TO CHOP THAT HOT BOD OF YOURS INTO BITS!"

Barry ran up to Lust and leaped into the air, but with only one swipe of her claws, Lust had reduced Barry's armor body into scrap metal. Al and Hawkeye gasped. A piece of sheet metal with a blood rune hit the floor.

"Ouch." said Barry the Sheet Metal.

"Armor, there's nothing in you either. So I don't care. I'll just have to kill you like the other candidate tonight." Lust turned to Hawkeye. "Hey… You're kinda hot… You know…" Hawkeye kept her gun ready. "If you're not doing anything later, we could…"

If Barry still had his helmet, his eyes would pop right about now. "ARE YA TRYIN' TO KILL US OR NOT?"

Lust remembered why she was there. "Oh yeah. I was just about to give the Lieutenant a one-way trip to the afterlife. I do believe her boyfriend, the Colonel, is waiting for her."

"!" Hawkeye's eyes opened wider than they'd ever been before. "You don't mean…"

Lust nodded. "He's dead." She started laughing. Hawkeye lost all control.

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BIIIIIIT-"

"LALALA, CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Al and Barry yelled at once.

"RRRRRR!" Hawkeye started shooting Lust. Over and over, she shot Lust. Whenever the Lieutenant ran out of bullets, she'd pull out more guns and keep shooting. After ten minutes of this, Al felt it necessary to speak.

"Lieutenant…" Al looked down to see a pile of guns on the floor. "Just how many guns do you have?"

"QUIET, ALPHONSE! THE COLONEL'S DEAD AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THIS B-"

"Okay whatever." Al turned away. Best not mess with an angry woman. Barry's remains sighed.

"I was hoping that this'd lead to a more traditional catfight. Lame."

Eventually Hawkeye used up her last gun. And Lust looked as if she hadn't been shot to begin with.

"Well… now that your temper tantrum seems to have been over, I take that as a 'no' on my date offer." Lust said. Hawkeye broke down, on her knees, sobbing.

"Awkward…" Al and Barry once more commented in unison.

"You're so pathetic. Just like the rest of your kind." Lust commented. Al stepped up between the two women.

"Now it's my turn!" Al clapped his hand and transmuted a spear out of the ground. "… Wait, I have no idea how to use this thing!"

"Then let me HELP!" Lust swung her claws, breaking the spear into pieces.

"Awww…" Al complained. "Umm… Lieutenant? Maybe you should, uh… You know, leave?" She was too busy crying. "Um… Lieutenant?"

"J-J-Just go! Go without me, I can't live without him!"

"Don't worry Lieutenant, Barry's clearly still alive."

"THE COLONEL, ALPHONSE! I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIM!"

"Oh, him." Al was distracted, so he didn't notice both sets of Lust's claws going through his jaw and various parts of his torso.

"RUN AWAY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, AL!" Hawkeye cried.

"Never! Ed always gets to do all the cool stuff! And on top of that, I suck at keeping people alive! Nina, her dog, Hughes, Martel, that cat that Colonel ran over on the way here! No more! For once, I'm going to do something awesome!" Al ranted. He shook Lust's claws loose, which ripped off a few pieces of his armor. "And letting you die will just make me a failure again!"

"Thanks Al, but I think I'll take it from here." Mustang said. Lust turned around, and Al transmuted a wall to protect himself and Hawkeye from any attacks.

"You?" Lust asked. "But ho-AAAAAAAAAHHH!" Mustang instantly set Lust on fire, knocking her onto her knees.

"That's a good girl, getting on her knees when I_ make her_!" Mustang set her on fire again, the second that the first fire went out.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH! HOW'D YOU SURVIVE?" she asked Mustang. Al and Hawkeye peeked around the wall. Mustang was shirtless, but his jacket was still on and hanging open. There was a closed wound, he was holding Havoc's busted lighter, and his signature transmutation circle was carved onto his hand.

"I closed the wound with fire! Because I'm Roy flipping Mustang,_ ***ch_!" was the Colonel's answer. He drowned her in fire once more.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Why you-" Lust was regenerating from showing extensive amounts of muscles and bones, but Roy set her on fire again.

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"I don't think so! I'm not giving you time to heal! Your kind has the ability to heal themselves from any injury, though? Good! I don't have any plans this evening, so I'll do this for as long as it takes!"

He set her on fire again.

"NOOOOO!"

When that flame died down, he ignited a new one.

"!"

"You could just save yourself the trouble and die!" He set lit her aflame once more.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Her scream was interrupted by her very next scream, a new fire came quicker than any previous one.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Well? Is this the one? Is this the fire that finally kills you? IS IT?" Mustang asked. Hawkeye wanted to leave the safety of the wall, but Al held her back.

"DIE!" Lust fought through the pain and lunged out of the fire to Mustang, shooting a claw at him.

"You first!" Mustang set her on fire one more time, as the Ultimate Spear was an inch away from the spot between his eyes. When the fire stopped, Lust just stayed there.

"What's going on?" asked Barry. "Finish her!"

"… He did…" Lust managed to speak. Her claws began disintegrating as the rest of her body started to join in. "So this is how I die… I must admit, the view isn't too shabby…" she eyed Mustang's shirtless-ness. "Oh yeah… that's the stuff… I'd be careful with your alchemy, though. You'll shoot your eye out…" Lust became nothing more than her Philosopher's Stone, which dissipated once it hit the floor. Mustang tossed the lighter aside and fell over. That's one homunculus down.

_FATALITY! FLAWLESS VICTORY!_

"COLONEL!" Hawkeye and Al ran over to Mustang immediately.

"Ow…" Mustang noticed the two of them and tried to talk to them through his pain. "Forget… what I said earlier… _that _is why I'm awesome… Oww…"

"Colonel, do you need an ambulance?" Al asked.

Colonel realized something. "Oh yeah… I do… for Havoc."

"And you, right?" questioned Al.

"Oh all right… if you insist…"

Outside the room, Bradley only just made it. He remained hidden.

"(Nuts, I didn't get to kill anyone. And now he killed Lust. Well the good news is that Father won't make me pay for her subscription to _Playgirl_ anymore. _Playboy_ neither.)" Bradley sheathed his sword and walked away, whistling the common funeral theme in honor of his 'sister'. "(I guess I should call for an ambulance... n' stuff.)"

…

Al, damaged as he was, returned to the hotel to find Winry waiting outside.

"Hi Winry!"

"Al! Thank goodness you're back and safe! Ling was going to tell me more random facts! I thought I was a goner, but then him and his ninja went to fight some homunculi. But now you're torn up!" she was upset over Al.

Al tried to cheer his friend up. "Um… It could be worse. You could have an emotional breakdown in an alleyway and have Ed talk you down!"

"True… Not like that'll ever happen though." Winry said. She seemed to be better.

…

"HOW COULD THEY JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THAT?" Barry complained. "If I didn't know better, I'd say they wanted to get rid of me!"

Barry's body woke up and picked up the sheet metal.

"Huh? Back off, Ex-Barry! You're not wanted here! You can't kill me, I have to chop more people!"

He started trying to scratch out the seal.

"NO! STOP! Um… Are you sure you're a real- Screw it. STOP! NO! NO! DO NOT WANT, DO NOT-"

The body finished. The seal was gone, and the body was happy that he could finally rest in peace. Barry the Chopper was no more.

…

Armstrong and Breda dropped Ed off at Risembool to have Pinako fix his arm. Alone, Ed was walking around and whistling, when he noticed something, or rather someone. Someone he'd never counted on running into.

"No… It can't be… It's…. But he…"

A blonde man with eyes of gold stood before Trisha Elric's grave.

**Name - Van Hohenheim**  
><strong>Specialty - Alchemy<strong>  
><strong>Notes - Looks good, considering his age<strong>

"HOHENHEIM?" Ed yelled in disbelief. Hohenheim looked over.

"Oh hi, Ed."

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Ed has daddy issues. Do I care that my only daughter is dead? … Nah. She was dirtying up the place with her lasciviousness anyway._

(A/N: I tried my hardest, but I couldn't find a way to work in a joke about Mustang and Lust's dub actors being engaged. Oh well, can't win them all.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**


	20. Father Before the Grave

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 20: Big Daddy**

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Edward was standing still, in awe that his father, Hohenheim, was there before his very eyes. Before his very mother's grave.

"… You okay, son? You've just been kind of standing there for a while now."

"!"

"Really? Al's fourteen already? Wow time flies."

"YOU ARE A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN!"

"What do you mean you haven't been drinking your milk? It's good for you!"

"I HOPE YOU DIE!"

Hohenheim raised an eyebrow. "Huh? You tried to transmute Trisha back to life? Then you lost your leg while Alphonse lost his body? Then you sacrificed your arm to bond Al's soul to my vintage suit of armor? … You _did_ remember to turn the light off when you left the room though, right? Well… I'd forgive you for getting to do that, if the Uboa showed up or something, but still-"

Ed pointed at Hohenheim. "WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?"

"And then you two burnt the house down? Huh. I was wondering where it went… Oh well, at least no one was inside."

Ed stormed off. "Get killed!"

"You sound just like I was, back when I was fifteen."

"NO I DON'T! I'M NOTHING LIKE YOU! NOTHING, I SAY!" Ed stormed off even faster than he already had been.

…

That evening, Ed had come to Pinako's house to stay for the night. He was fast asleep, dreaming about bombing milk factories from above. Hohenheim walked in and silently doted.

"Awww! My son's so… Well he can't be cute, not with all those biceps and triceps. And that metal arm is kinda bulky… Oh well." He walked over to get a closer look. "Sheesh his hair is long! Doesn't that boy believe in haircuts? … Well I guess I'm not one to talk, but still…"

…

Pinako and Hohenheim were having a drink together while Den was perpetually gnawing on Hohenheim's leg, though the man didn't seem to notice. Pinako was concerned as she was flipping through a photo book and noticing something odd.

"You know, Hohenheim, you haven't aged a day since I was young. Middle-aged women everywhere would kill to know why."

Hohenheim adjusted his glasses. "I actually met an older woman who wanted to be eternally young. Her name was, uh… Da something… I don't even remember that much. But she was a complete psycho ***ch, so I left her." He then took a quick sip. "Say that reminds me, are you absolutely sure that the zombie my sons transmuted was actually Trisha?"

"Yeah, why?"

Ed was listening from the other room, and he looked as if someone had just killed Al or something like that.

"WHAAAAAAAT? YOU MEAN AFTER ALL THAT TIME, IT WASN'T EVEN HER?" Ed shouted. Hohenheim called to him from the other room.

"Young man, it's past your bedtime."

…

In the hotel room in Cental, Al had reached his threshold for Ling's alien robot antics and finally explained his situation to the prince and his servant. The armor's openings from the battle with Lust were covered up. Also, Winry was there.

"So… the absolute only thing you need to do in order to stay alive would be to keep your rune safe?" asked Ling.

Al nodded. "That's the large and small of it. But I'm not completely immortal. I'm kind of like a time bomb."

Lan Fan instantly threw a kunai at Al.

"TAKE COVER, YOUNG LORD!" the ninja leaped for safety, taking Ling with her.

"Ow." moaned Ling as he hit the floor.

Winry slapped her forehead. "I don't think that's what he meant."

Al put his hands together, or at least he did so with his only remaining arm.

"You see…" Al started. "At an unknown point in time in the future, this body will reject my soul, since the two of them together aren't a natural pair. So now Brother and I have a time limit."

Ling and Lan Fan stopped paying attention and had long since started playing Monopoly. Ling looked up. "So what's the problem again? You think you're fat or something?"

Winry promptly kicked Ling and then sidestepped the imminent kunai from Lan Fan. Ling rubbed his chin.

"So… you don't need to maintain yourself all that much, you have it made!" Winry plucked out the kunai that was still sticking in him and threw it at Ling, though he missed horribly.

"He does _not_ have it made! He can't eat stew anymore!"

…

Winry was pouting in her room, then Al came in to speak with her.

"How come you and Brother always get to yell at people for wanting to be like me, and I never get to do that? It's no fair! I don't yell at people when they call Brother short, and I don't yell at Brother for you when he breaks his arm! So you two shouldn't yell when people think that I have it good!"

Winry was still pouting and hadn't even moved. Al tilted his head. "… Okay, good talk, Winry."

…

_"Naaa!" Ed cried. "I must restore Al!"_

_The Truth appeared and taunted him. "Haha, it's all your fault!"_

_"GOSH! We're the same thing! Idiot!" a familiar voice was also taunting Ed. It belonged to Shou Tucker._

_"You really suck, Edward." moaned the Gate Zombie that was thought to be Trisha._

…

Ed woke up in a flash. "Sheesh! … That's the last time I eat one of Pinako's spicy sandwiches before bed."

Pinako shouted from another room. "HEY! ED! GET UP! WE'RE GONNA GO SEE YOUR DAD OFF!"

Ed turned over in bed. "No! I hate him!"

…

In the main room, Hohenheim snatched up the photograph of all four members of the Elric Family. "This is mine now." He started heading to the door. "Oh by the way, in about… exactly forty episo- I mean six months, something terrible will happen. I'd suggest you leave the country in order to stay safe."

"I can't do that."

"Whatever." Hohenheim walked out.

…

Ed and Pinako were fighting the wind as they climbed the hill that lead to the burial site of the Gate Zombie.

"You're not really doing this, are you Ed?" Pinako turned to Ed.

"No Granny, I just thought it'd be funny if the two of us brought shovels to the top of the hill real quick before it rained. Of course I'm really doing this! Rrrrr!" His sarcasm came to an abrupt end by the need to clutch his heart.

"What's wrong now, Ed? Is it a bad combination of the weather and your automail?"

Ed shook his head. "No, I just think that spicy sandwich I had last night might be taking an effect on me."

Pinako smacked Edward. "You idiot! That wasn't for you! That was a special sandwich for Den! She's been having problems!"

"DANG IT, GRANNY! QUIT DISGUISING DEN'S MEDICINE AS PEOPLE FOOD!"

…

The rain started to pick up. Pinako looked over from the hole she was digging, only to find Edward throwing up into the hole he was digging.

"You're just gonna have to shovel all of that back out, you know." Ed couldn't care less, so he just silently stuck her a thumbs up.

…

A few hours of torturous digging had gone by, and the rain had come to a halt. Ed was more or less finished with his hole, the rest was doable by hand. Then he grasped something that had caught his attention.

"… WHAT? This strand of hair is black! Mom never had black hair! This wasn't her at all! Lame!" he callously tossed it back into the grave.

Pinako tilted her head. "So… this wasn't her all along? … Well, live and learn! Let's go get you to a doctor and see if Den's sandwich will kill you or not."

Ed started whining. "But I wanna angst!"

"You can do that during dinner, but for now let's go."

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Alphonse Elric<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Edward Elric<em>  
>…<p>

At Izumi and Sig's house, the phone was ringing. As Sig was occupied by writing a letter to his old college room mate who was currently living in Central, a sickly Izumi took it upon herself to answer the phone.

"Who are you, and why do I care? … Oh hi Ed. … What do you mean am I sure that the little zombie I made was actually my baby's body? Of course it was! That's dumb! You're dumb! … Oh fine, I'll take another look." She hung up.

…

Ed and Pinako were in front of the graves of Urey and Sara Rockbell. Ed revealed the mystery behind the deaths of the doctors.

"Oh so that's what happened." Pinako said. "I always thought that Colonel Mustang guy was the one who killed them. I guess I should put him back on my Christmas card mailing list… Even though we don't have Christmas, I'm not sure how that works."

"I thought we celebrated Letomas."

Pinako snapped her fingers and stomped the ground. "Dagnabbit! I forgot to give your mom's message to Hohenheim!"

…

_Trisha was on her deathbed, speaking to Pinako._

_"Pinako, please tell him that I died before he did."_

_"I… Well… Trisha, I think he won't have a hard time finding that out once he sees your grave."_

_Trisha clarified. "And that I'm sorry for it."_

_"Ohhhh… 'Kay."_

…

Pinako put her arms behind her back. "Sooo… Could you tell him that for me?"

Ed looked up from writing hateful things about Hohenheim in the dirt with a stick.

"Huh? Oh sure, no problem."

…

At long last, Ed returned to his hotel room to find Al in his current state from the battle with Lust.

"YOU DID WHAT, ALPHONSE?"

"I'm sorry, Brother! There was only one drink left in the cabinet and Ling looked very thirsty!"

Ed shook his head. "He's _always_ thirsty, Al! But I am proud of you for trying to be all cool and tough in the face of danger, so I forgive you." Ed's nonchalant mood made a whiplash back into seething rage as he noticed Ling and Lan Fan eating some food. "AND YOU TWO! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?"

Ling couldn't think of an excuse. "Umm… Space?"

…

After kicking the Xingese people out of the room, Ed had repaired Al at the cost of thinning his armor somewhat. Al had also taken the liberty to explain everything that had happened at the Third Laboratory, as well as the time limit Al learned of. That last part didn't phase Ed. Nor did Al seem to care.

"So one of the homunculi is dead now? Shweet!" Ed said.

"Yeah and I totally did it all by myself without Colonel Mustang interrupting my moment of awesomeness and stealing my thunder!" lied Al. "Yep! All me!"

Ed was smiling. "And even better, while I found out that dead people really truly can't ever be brought back- even with transmutation- you might still be able to come back! Because you never died!"

"High five!" the younger brother was happy to learn this. Ed didn't leave him hanging. "Wait, how did you learn that, Brother?"

"Oh I just dug up that corpse that we transmuted. No biggie." Ed noticed that Al and Winry were staring at him in shock. "… What? … Say that reminds me Winry, why did you turn both Al and I down when we both proposed to you as kids?"

Winry took some time to think. "Hmm… That was a long time ago…" She paced back and forth, concentrating. "Oh yeah! I was the tallest out of us three at the time. And being the taller one is weird for me."

"THAT'S DUMB! YOU'RE DUMB!" the Elric Brothers yelled at once. Ed composed himself, however, and returned the conversation to being about Al.

"So anyway Al, I think your body is still in the portal. Also our souls are tangled, so I'm indirectly nourishing you by overeating and oversleeping."

Al took a moment to consider this. "Good point…"

Ed wasn't done. "That also might explain why I'm so sho- Hey did you see the sky today? It sure was nice!" Ed wasn't fooling anyone. Both Al and Winry knew what Ed was saying.

"… That's why you're so short?" they asked Edward at once.

"Umm… Umm… Well… Um…" Ed braced himself. "… _Not_ no!"

Al would've taunted Ed, but he was too busy thinking. "I remember that my soul was brought into that gooey skeleton thing, but it was kicked out immediately."

Ed and Winry looked up from continuing the game of Monopoly that Ling and Lan Fan had abandoned. Ed responded.

"Whatever, Al."

…

Ed was on the phone in the lobby.

"Who are you and why do I care? … Oh hi, Teacher. … So that wasn't your baby after all? Whatever. … I have your gratitude? What for? … Teacher? Teacher are you still there? … Lame." Ed hung up.

…

Ed and Al were on a set of stairs. "Al, I feel guilty about this still."

"Brother, enough with the pity party already! I knew the risks when I didn't talk you out of transmuting our mom back to life! What happened to me is my fault and what happened to you is your fault! We're not responsible for anything bad that happened to the other, got it?"

"Eh whatever." Ed wasn't listening.

"I WANNA GET BACK TO NORMAL ALREADY! SO LET'S DO STUFF RIGHT NOW! THE STUFF! … THE STUFF WITH THE THING AND THE STUFF! … WITH THE THING!"

"All right Al, that's what I like to hear!" Ed pointed both index fingers at Al. The brothers ran upstairs. As they left, Winry noticed Ed's broad shoulders.

"(Huh… Ed's kinda hot.)" Winry thought to herself.

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Ed, Al, and Ling make plans to do the stuff. The stuff with the thing and the stuff. … With the thing._

(A/N: Let Hohenheim's warning be the one and only instance of directly breaking the fourth wall in this story.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**

**Outtake:**

__Ed - "I HATE YOU DAD!"_  
><em>__Hohenheim - "What's that, Ed? Timmy fell down the well?"__**_  
><em>**


	21. Advance of the Fool

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 21: The Stuff With the Thing**

"GEE HAWKEYE, YOU SURE SUCK FOR LOSING YOUR COOL LIKE THAT! HERPADERP!" Mustang was yelling at Hawkeye for her episode back in the Third Laboratory. Currently, the Colonel and Havoc were bedridden in the hospital, in the same room even.

"Colonel, can you reach the smokes on the table next to your bed? I'm getting withdrawal again." Havoc told his superior. Mustang shook his head in response. "You suck, Colonel."

…

Envy, Gluttony, and Wrath were in the underground base. While Gluttony was sitting and moping, the other two were having a civil conversation.

"WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU, WRATH? I mean come on! He killed Lust and then you allowed him to live! I even bought you the special sword just like you wanted!" Envy shouted. "Now what will we do with all of her copies of Playboy? Or her copies of Playgirl?"

Wrath rolled his eye. "Oh calm down, Brotown."

Gluttony was crying. "Waaaaah! Lust died! I miss her, Wrath!"

Envy pointed at Gluttony. "YA HEAR HIM, WRATH? IF HE GETS SO SAD THAT HE FORGETS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, HE'LL LEAVE A MESS! AND IT'LL BE YOUR FAULT! SO GO AVENGE LUST! THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT FURY DOES, RIGHT?"

Wrath tossed Gluttony a watermelon. The fat homunculus instantly forgot about his sadness.

"Take it easy, Envy. We can use Mustang to our advantage. So now I'll go tell that to the good gentleman, and leave you looking like an obnoxious jack***." Wrath ran off to tell Father his idea. Outraged, Envy chased after him. Gluttony had finished the watermelon.

"… Where am I?" wondered Gluttony.

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Ed, Al, and Winry were still in the hotel room. They were having a conversation, though Winry wasn't focusing. She was too busy looking at Ed while pretending to not look at Ed, whom was engaged in the conversation.

"So now what's the deal, Al?"

"Well what if my body isn't good anymore? What if I won't be able to do anything?"

"Didn't we already have this conversation when I mentioned overeating and oversleeping?" Ed slapped himself. "Sheesh… Hey Winry, can you talk some sense into the boy?"

"I WAS LISTENING!" the girl defensively stated. This confused Ed and Al. "Um… Don't worry about it, Al."

…

Fuery had taken Ed and Al to the hospital room of Colonel Mustang and Jean Havoc. Ed approached Mustang's bed.

"Hey Colonel, guess what? **** you."

"Fullmetal, did you just come here to taunt me? After I even saved your brother from a homunculus?"

"What?" Ed was confused. "No, Al's the one that took her down, he said- Oh…" Al whistled and tiptoed over to the corner. Hawkeye handed Mustang a map.

"Look, Colonel. The room we were in has a radius from it. And above ground… it's the presidential estate."

Ed, Al, and Mustang's eyes all widened.

"But this means… This means that the Fuhrer could be in on this!" Mustang realized. Al shook his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. If Fuhrer Bradley was involved, then why would he kill one of the homunculi?"

Mustang and Ed both scoffed. "Come on Al." Ed told his brother. "This is the same man who gave the Brigadier General of Western Command a motorcycle for his retirement. I think it's safe to say he's not quite all there in the head!"

…

Once the brothers left, Mustang's whole team was in the room. Falman, however, was not there. He was occupied being the one and only person present at Barry's funeral.

"Colonel!" Havoc said. "I retire!"

"No." Mustang responded.

"Come on, please?"

"No."

"But I can't even feel my legs anymore!"

"Havoc, quit being a baby! Hawkeye had her back burnt and you don't hear her whining!"

Hawkeye's left eye twitched. "Colonel, that was supposed to be a secret."

…

Hawkeye took Mustang to the waiting room in order to chastise him, and that's when they noticed Dr. Knox sitting nearby.

"Hey Knoxy, what's up?" greeted Mustang.

"Aw s***, it's Roy. Go away, I'm not in the mood." Knox sat there for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "Well actually, there _was_ something I've been meaning to ask you. About that Ross thing that you dragged me into, what the h*** was the point of all that?"

…

"So yeah." Havoc leant back. "My family owns a grocery store, so I'm gonna go help them with it."

Breda was disappointed. "You suck for quitting on us."

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS, ***-HOLE!"

…

Breda approached Mustang in the waiting room. "Hey Colonel. Havoc's still being a whiny ***ch. I'm gonna go find Dr. Marcoh and ask him for help. Big Guy told me about him."

Mustang looked up from the newspaper. "Huh? Whatever, I don't care."

…

Armstrong was walking down the hallway, silently critiquing the décor of Central Command, when he was interrupted by Sergeant Brosh.

"Hey Major! How was Xerxes?"

"I DIDN'T RUN INTO LIEUTENANT ROSS WHO IS SECRETLY ALIVE, WHATEVER COULD YOU BE TALKING ABOUT, SERGEANT? OH WELL, GOOD SEEING YOU." Armstrong started walking away, but he broke into a full run after about two seconds.

"Huh… That's odd. Oh well. At least in Spring, I have that day off that I can look forward to!"

…

That evening, Al stood outside the Third Laboratory. He was alone, but then Ed emerged from the building.

"Well Al, I saw the entrance to the basement. It was sealed off with alchemy. Something is definitely going on."

Brosh was running with a paper. He ran so fast, that he bumped into Ed and knocked him over, dropping the paper.

"Ow… Sorry, Edward." They then got back up, and Brosh grabbed Ed by the shoulders and started shaking him. "Edward, run for your life, man! Scar's back!"

"Dag, yo. Hey wait a minute! Lemme see that paper!" Ed stuck his hand out. Brosh picked up the paper that he was previously holding, it was a list of traits that defined Scar.

"What is it, Brother?"

"Let's see… Ishvalan… x-shaped scar… sounds vaguely like J. Michael Tatum… aha! Tattoos on his right arm! It was him! He's the one that killed Mr. and Mrs. Rockbell!" This time it was Al's turn for a reaction.

"Dag, yo."

**_…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Jean Havoc<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Scar<em>  
>…<em>**

The Elric Brothers safely made it back to their hotel room.

"So yeah Al, we're gonna fight Scar again."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Too bad! Besides, we'll find out if I'm really right about this whole murder thing, and then we're gonna lure a homunculus out into the open!"

"Huh?"

"Well if they don't want us dead, and Scar does want us dead, then surely the two would get in the others' way! So we go fight Scar, and then a homunculus will try to stop him! Then we capture the homunculus and get answers! … Not sure what we'd do with Scar after that, but hey."

"Oh yeah?" Al stood up. "How exactly are you going to capture the homunculus? They can't be defeated easily, they almost never die!"

"Never die?" Ling asked. "Hot dog!" Ed and Al noticed that Ling and Lan Fan were balanced on the windowsill.

"Do you Xing nut jobs have any sense of privacy?" Ed was condescending.

Ling shook his head. "We aliens are above such petty human matters."

"Young Lord, we are not that kind of-"

"The girl and I will help you!"

"All right Ling, but just know that if one of you gets hurt, I'm gonna blame myself for letting you two in on this." Ed warned.

"Yeah, Brother has a tendency to punish himself."

"Don't worry about that." Ling told him. "I just need to help the famous Fullmetal Alchemist capture one of the bad guys, and then I'll become a hero! Then my home planet will notice me and realize that they left me here, and I can go home!"

Lan Fan leaned her head against the wide of the window frame in annoyance. "Young Lord, do you even remember why you came to this land in the first place?"

"Something about crop circles, am I right?"

"I wish Grandfather were here…"

Winry walked in. "What are all of you talking about?"

"Hey Winry!" Ed and Al spoke at once. "Why not stay in Central an extra day?"

Winry considered it. "Hmm… Well it would give me more time to look at those broad shoulders of yours…"

"What was that?" both brothers asked.

"Oh! Nothing! Okay I'll stay."

"Good, my arm might get destroyed tomorrow anyway." Ed was relieved. Winry smacked him so hard that Ed's soul started to leave his body. Luckily Al pushed it back in. Through the ear.

"Al, quit it! Ow! It's not supposed to go at an angle!"

…

Mustang and Hawkeye entered Havoc's room.

"I can't believe Breda didn't find him. Oh well, at least Havoc's still here." Mustang said. "Hey Havoc, what's going on?"

"Still retiring."

"I hate you."

"WOULD EVERYONE GET OFF MY CASE? WHAT KIND OF SOLDIER CAN I BE IF I CAN'T USE MY LEGS?"

Mustang was legitimately thinking that question over. "… How about a robot?"

"No!"

"Oh fine." Mustang submitted. "But until I see you back on your feet and in uniform, as you inevitably will be, I'm going to call you Chickhavoc. Because you're Havoc. And you're a chicken. I'll await the day you can walk on your own once more. Until then, see you later, Chickhavoc."

Mustang walked out and turned back. "If you'll excuse me, I have to put my uniform on, even though I'm still hurt. Because I'm not a chicken. Unlike you. You're a chicken." Then the Colonel left.

"… Sorry about him." Hawkeye commented. "He's only saying this because he cares. … Bye." She followed Mustang out of the room. Havoc sat back and started reflecting.

"(… I need new friends.)"

…

_**SUPER FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

Two citizens were bickering. One of them had crashed their car into the other's food stand. That's when Ed showed up.

"Have no fear, Edward Elric is here!" Ed announced. "Watch this!" He transmuted the car and stand back to normal. "Voila!"

"YOU'RE SO SUPER FANTASTICAL, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!" thanked the citizens.

_**FANTASTICAL FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

An elderly woman approached Ed.

"Young lad, would you please fix this vase?"

"I, the Fullmetal Alchemist, can do that in my sleep!" Ed transmuted the vase back to normal. "There you go!"

"You sure are wonderful, Fullmetal Alchemist."

_**WONDERFUL FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

"Fullmetal Alchemist…" said an older man. "My walking stick snapped. Fix it, would you?"

"BUT OF COURSE!" Ed fixed it.

"You're a miracle, Fullmetal Alchemist."

_**MIRACLE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

Edward fixed a construction site's log cabin.

"You're amazing, sir!"

_**AMAZING FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

Ed transmuted a random baby's stroller into a pimped out hotrod with a drill on the front.

"You're… well you're just something else, aren't you?" the mother said.

_**SOMETHING ELSE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!**_

Ed and Al were having lunch with a random couple.

"And that's how I beat up some ninja." Ed recapped. The husband spoke up.

"Sir, we don't know you at all. Could you please just let my wife and I eat in peace? It's our anniversary!"

Mustang's car pulled up.

"Hey Fullmetal, let's go talk in an alleyway."

…

Mustang and Hawkeye took the Elric Brothers to the alleyway.

"So Fullmetal, when'd you become such a ham?"

"You see, Colonel," Al started, "we're drawing attention to Ed so that Scar will find him and we can work on our plan to lure out a homunculus!"

"Is that what we're doing?" Ed asked. "I was just in a good mood today. But if it helps lure out Scar, all the better, I suppose."

"Hey everybody, what's going on?" Scar greeted.

"Oh hey Scar." Ed said. "… Wait, SCAR?"

"Yep." Scar brought up his right hand. "Now… let's pick up where we left off." Scar and Ed began their battle. At the same time, Al turned to Mustang.

"Hey can you go make sure that none of the MPs shoot Scar? 'Kay thanks."

"But I- … Well played, Alphonse. Well played. Come on, Lieutenant." the two left, so Al was able to join his brother in the battle. On the nearby roof, Ling and Lan Fan were waiting for a homunculus to show up.

"Is he here yet?" Ling asked.

"No, Young Lord."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"I really think-"

"No."

…

Mustang and Hawkeye broke into Fuery's house. They were on the radio while Mustang was disguising his voice.

"It's-a me! Sector Three Control! We've a-got Scar here! Woohoo! Let's-a go!" Mustang lied. He and Hawkeye kept this up, though the Lieutenant was getting annoyed by Mustang's different voices.

…

"He's in Sector Seventeen?" Douglas asked. "Look pal, I know Scar's out there, but this cake ain't gonna eat itself." He immediately started whispering about himself. "Oh he's lazy."

…

"O hai, HQ." Mustang was disguised again. "I have problem with Scar, he says he's here in Sector Eight. That's bull****, he is not here, he is NAWT. … O hai, Scar. … AAAAHHH! YOU ARE TEA'ING ME APAHT, SCAR!"

…

King Bradley was riding in the presidential limo without a seatbelt, listening to the radio.

"Huh…" the Fuhrer noticed. "From the sounds of it, we've got at least four Scars running about. Did he pull the Four Sword by any chance?"

"Doubtful, Your Excellency." the driver said. "Somehow I find that doubtful."

The limo pulled up and the driver let Bradley out of the car. He stepped out and headed to the alley. Gluttony rolled out of the limo and followed the Fuhrer.

"Sir, how is this blob guy related to you again?" the driver asked. He never got an answer.

…

"How about now? Are they here now?" asked Ling.

"Yes." Lan Fan readied her weapons.

"Hooray!"

"I'MMA EAT YOU!" Gluttony jumped out at Lan Fan. The ninja flipped him over and allowed Ling to kick him into a nearby roof.

"We could detect you long before you even showed up." Lan Fan told the homunculus.

…

"Mommy, who's this fat guy that fell into our house?"

"Don't talk to the fat man, Billy."

"Aww mom…"

…

Wrath was in the street below the Xingese.

"So you weirdoes can sense Gluttony, now can you?" Wrath pulled out his sword and jumped into the air. "I have an eye patch! So I'm a pirate!"

"Huh?" Lan Fan was confused. Wrath sliced her mask in half and got a bit of her left arm, knocking her off the roof and onto a much lower one. The ninja screamed as she fell. "AAAHHH!"

"LAN FAN, NO!"

"Ha." Wrath was amused. "Pirate beats Ninja."

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Ed inadvertently uses his most powerful weapon against Scar. Character development._

(A/N: Try to guess both of the people that Mustang was impersonating.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**


	22. Backs in the Distance

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 22: Party Rockbell Anthem**

**Last time, in a nutshell:**  
><em>Wrath rolled his eye. "Calm down, Brotown."<em>  
><em>"Colonel!" Havoc said. "I retire!"<em>  
><em>"Hey Knoxy, what's up?" greeted Mustang.<em>  
><em>"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS, ***-HOLE!"<em>  
><em>"Dag, yo."<em>  
><strong><em>AMAZING FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST GO!<em>**  
><em>"Ha." Wrath was amused. "Pirate beats Ninja."<em>

And now, the thrilling continuation…

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

In Central, Ling, Lan Fan, Wrath and Gluttony were all on various roofs. Wrath had just struck down Lan Fan and joked about it. But then he noticed his sword break in half.

"What be this heresy? How'd my sword break?" the homunculus Fuhrer demanded.

"I used… my kunai…" the ninja answered from where she landed. She had trouble even saying that much.

"Oh, that explains it."

Gluttony jumped over from the roof he was on. "I WANT TO EAT THE GIRL!" Gluttony was closing in on Lan Fan's unmoving body, but Ling managed to chop off the top of his head by using a sword.

"No! I will not lose my vassal to you earthlings!"

Wrath seemed interested in that statement. "Oh, so you two are extraterrestrials are you? Well how about I personally welcome you to this fine planet? With death."

Ling ignored him and ran over to Lan Fan.

"Hey Lanny, you okay?"

"It hurts to breath…"

"That's the spirit!" Ling picked his servant up. Though in the time that took, Wrath dropped down to the roof they were both on.

"I can't have you filthy aliens reporting on this planet's secrets to your leader! It's off to the labs with you!" Wrath pulled out another sword. "For Earth!" He started attacking Ling, but the prince was able to dodge with his own weapon whilst still carrying Lan Fan's unconscious body and jumping around.

"You move fast for an old guy!" Ling noted.

"That's because I'm excellent."

"Excellently blind, maybe!" was the prince's retort. Wrath thought to himself.

"(Huh, he's right. He's always trying to get into my blind spot. Maybe if I quickly turned and took this battle in a clockwise direction, or even removed the eye patch. … Nah, that'd be stupid. Hmm…) HEY GLUTTONY, GET OFF YOUR FAT *** AND SO SOMETHING, ALREADY! YOU REGENERATED FIVE MINUTES AGO!"

Gluttony got up. "I'M IN THE MOOD FOR XINGESE!" Ling sliced him again. "Ouchies." Ling immediately went back to fighting Wrath, but the voracious homunculus caught the prince off guard and punched him away, a considerable distance. Ling and Lan Fan found themselves inside the top floor of another building.

"Ouchies…" Ling stood back up and noticed Lan Fan on the floor. "Hey, you still okay?"

"Everything is pain…"

"Atta girl!" he picked her up again and noticed that the homunculi had caught up to them. "Aw no…"

Wrath spoke up. "Yo Xingese. I'm happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but how do you know about Gluttony?"

Ling raised his hand. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"

"Yes, you in the yellow shirt, what is it?" Wrath asked.

"Um, are you the leader of this country?" Ling had been wondering this for a few minutes ever since seeing not only the uniform, but also the number of stars on this man's epaulets.

"Why, yes. Yes I am. Good job, you get a cookie." Wrath flipped Ling a cookie, and the prince caught it in his mouth and started chewing. "Except either way, I have to kill you."

Ling swallowed the cookie. "But I don't want you to!"

"Too bad!" spoke Wrath and Gluttony in unison.

"Hmm… My alien integrity may be at risk. Lan Fan, what would you suggest?"

"I can't feel my arm…"

"Interesting insight…" Ling seemed genuinely intrigued. It was as if Lan Fan wasn't even speaking.

"(Idiot…)" Lan Fan thought to herself. As Ling and Wrath started an argument over whether it'd be a good idea or not to kill them, the injured girl pulled out a grenade and used her mouth to pull out the pin so that she could drop the bomb. A blinding light enveloped the room.

"(Hey, that wasn't a shabby idea, Lan Fan!)" Ling considered. He bolted to the door, but a sword flew right in front of his face, sticking into the wall. "Huh?" Ling turned over to find Wrath glaring at him through the Ultimate Eye while still covering his normal eye.

"You didn't blind _this_ eye!"

"Oh no." Ling and Lan Fan said at once. Wrath stood up and pulled out a third sword.

"Yep. I'd say you two are ****ed six ways to Sunday."

…

_Risembool, many years ago. Winry, Pinako, and Den were seeing two blonde adults off._

**_Name - Urey and Sara Rockbell_**  
><strong><em>Specialty - Doctoring<em>**  
><strong><em>Notes - They operate on people indiscriminately<em>**

_"Bye, Winry. Don't let Granny drink too much, look after Den, and be good." Mr. Rockbell told his small child. "We'll be back before you know it." The father pat his child on the head._

_"We love you!" said Mrs. Rockbell. And then they left._

…

Winry woke up on a train.

"Huh… I just had a dream about my parents."

Next to Winry on the train were Gracia and Elicia.

"That's nice." Gracia told the young girl.

The three women found themselves before Hughes's grave, delivering flowers to their fallen loved one.

"I miss Maes."

"I miss Daddy!"

"I miss Mr. Hughes. … Say, I wonder what Edward and Alphonse are doing." Winry pondered aloud.

…

Winry was walking through the streets of Central.

"YO DAWG, I HEARD THAT THE SOMETHING ELSE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST WAS FIGHTING SCAR, YO! YOYOYO!"

"… Why are you talking like that, Bill?"

"TALKING LIKE, WHAT, YO?"

"Wait stop. You mean, Scar the _killer_? _That_ Scar? Ed and his bro are fighting _him_?"

"TOTALLY, YO! … WHY?" Winry started running away, getting the attention of the two citizens. The citizen turned to the other. "YO, WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?"

"(Rrrr! If that 'Scar' guy doesn't kill those two reckless morons, _I_ will!)"

…

Ed and Scar were still having an alchemy battle.

"I must kill a young boy!" Scar cried to the heavens as he ran with his right arm straight forward.

"Crap!" Ed transmuted a few spikes out of the wall and floor in order to stop Scar, but the Ishvalan kept destroying them. "Double crap!"

Two MPs were watching the battle from an alley.

"Soooo…." one MP spoke to the other. "Should we do something?"

"Nah, I think they've got it under control. Wanna go to the restaurant?"

"Hecks yes!" the MP tossed his gun over his shoulder and went to the restaurant with his friend. Scar and Ed stopped at the entrance to the newly abandoned alleyway, and Al just caught up to them.

"(Huh. Brother seems tired. But Ling's apparently not done yet. I should stall.) Uhhh, hey Scar!"

Scar looked to see the younger brother. "What is it?"

"Why do you use alchemy if you don't like it?"

"I already told you, I won't tell you again." Scar then turned back to facing Ed, ready to try to kill him.

"(Shoot! It didn't work!) Umm… okay… Hey Scar!"

Scar turned around once more. "Now what is it?"

"Um… How are you, today? Anything interesting happen?" Al asked. Both Ed and Scar were giving him weird looks. "Um… Hey what's your favorite color?"

Ed spoke up. "I think what Al means to say is that you're using your religion as an excuse to justify getting revenge on people you don't like! Admit it! Like when you killed Nina Tucker and her monster of a father that I don't remember the name of!"

Scar raised his eyebrow. "Oh. So you two also saw Shou Tucker's chimera? What'd you think? I thought it was totally freaky. But surely you two realize that if she didn't die, she'd just be treated as a lab rat for the rest of her life."

Ed and Al thought about this for a moment. "… Oh. I guess." said Al.

"Alchemy is the reason that dog and its girl became one, don't you see the inherent evil in it?" Scar tried to reason with the brothers. This really struck a nerve with Ed. Tucker's voice rang in his head.

_We're the flipping same thing! We both messed with someone in our family for science!_

…

Winry passed the two MPs who had left the battle behind and found the entrance to the alley. As she was approaching, the three men on the other end of the alley were beginning a new conversation.

"So Scar, are you excited for _Kirby's Return to Dreamland_? I dunno, that seems right up your alley." Al was still failing at keeping Scar occupied.

"… Yeah, I preordered it." Scar answered. Ed's jaw dropped, as would Al's if he had a jaw. "Is there a point to this small talk, or can I get back to trying to kill a small child now?"

"Hey who you callin' sma- Hey wait." Ed started talking as loudly as possible. "HEY SCAR, DID YOU KILL TWO DOCTORS WITH THE LAST NAME 'ROCKBELL'?"

"Brother, why are you yelling?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

Al looked out of the corner of his eye and saw Winry. "… Uh, Brother?"

"SO? DID YOU DO IT, SCAR? DID YOU KILL THEM? DID YOU? THE DOCTORS ROCKBELL?"

"Brother, Winry is right he-"

"DID YOU KILL THE TWO DOCTORS THAT SAVED YOUR LIFE, SCAR?"

Scar's eyes widened.

"Brother, look already!"

"Huh?" Ed turned to notice Winry. She seemed almost on the verge of tears. "Oh. Hi, Winry. What brings you here? …. Wait, _WINRY_?"

"So… he… he's the one that…" Winry gulped. "He's the one that killed my parents?"

Scar turned around and noticed the girl. "Oh. So I didn't dream that? … Whoops."

"_**WHOOPS**_?" Ed and Al raged at the same time. "That's all you have to say?"

"So my parents… He's the reason why they never came back and why I ever saw them again?" Winry was feeling worse and worse with each passing second. "They saved your life and you decided to kill them?"

"(Well this is not a pretty picture that I've painted. Hm. I wonder if I could've avoided all this. … Nah.)" reflected Scar. Winry dropped to the floor.

"B-B-But why? WHY? All they ever did was help people, including you! And now you want to kill Ed and Al? Why do you want to kill everyone I love?" She started crying. During that, Al noticed a gun on the ground near his friend.

"(Huh. How'd that get there? Oh well I don't think anyone will use it. Brother and I don't like killing, and Scar prefers his hand. So not taking into account Winry getting any 'bright ideas', I'd say it's safe to leave the gun where it is.)"

Winry noticed the gun herself and, with a shaky arm, reached for it and picked it up.

"****, Winry's packing!" Ed announced.

Al slapped himself on the forehead. "I hate it when I'm right!"

She started aiming it at Scar. This was awkward for Ed and Al.

"Uh, Winry? You're not doing what I think you're doing, right? This is just a practical joke in poor taste, right? _Right_? Okay haha Winry, you got what you want… Okay seriously Winry, put the gun down now."

Al tried to think of a way to assist his brother. "Winry, you need a license to use a gun, first!"

"Al, that's not helping." Ed told Al. Winry was still pointing the gun at Scar. Neither the killer or the victim's child were speaking.

"(Hmm… This reminds me of what Master said.)" Scar thought to himself…

_While it's all right not to forgive them, you just… don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve it, you know? You do know, I know you. If you keep killing people, people will eventually want to kill you._

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Winry<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Scar<em>  
>…<p>

Scar came upon a realization. "… Oh I get it! She's the daughter of those doctors! Okay, now we're all on the same page." Ed and Al just shook their heads. Scar's strokes of stupidity came and went as they pleased. "Well I guess you're allowed to shoot me. Fair is fair, after all. I'm no hypocrite. Though it'll be a shame that I'll never get to open that pet store, though…."

…

_The Ishvalan War of Extermination. Back before the Ishvalan monk became known as Scar. The monk ran into a tent belonging to a scrawnier Ishvalan with glasses and similar facial structure._

_**Name - Scar's Brother**_  
><em><strong>Specialty - Alchemy, Alkahestry<strong>_  
><em><strong>Notes - Very comparable to Ed when you get down to it<strong>_

_"Brother, quit messing around! The Amestrians are coming!" the monk warned his brother._

_"I'll be done in a minute, hold your horses!" the studious brother responded. The monk then noticed the tattoos on his brother's arms. They were the same kind of tattoo that the monk would later have on his right arm._

_"Brother, what are those tattoos?"_

_"Oh that? Well you see, I've been studying alchemy and alkahestry. So with these tattoos, I can deconstruct things with my right arm. Then with my left arm, I can reconstruct them! Genius!"_

_"Yes they are cool tattoos, Brother. But we have to leave now! WHO CARES ABOUT ALCHEMY, WE HAVE TO LEAVE!"_

_"Stop! … Hatin' is bad." said a third voice. The monk turned around to notice a fellow monk._

_…_

_Outside the tent, the monk was speaking to his peers._

_"What?" the monk shouted in disbelief. "The Amestrians have human weapons? Have they no shame? Even more reason we should get out of here!"_

_"No." said one of the other monks. "It's the only way we can fight back, your brother's research is. So we'll totally slaughter them! Isn't that a great plan? We'll go through our foes like Draino!"_

_"FOOL!" the monk shouted. "You're falling into the trap of bloodlust that alchemy is creating! I'm surrounded by morons!"_

_…_

_The Amestrian Military started going all out. A few soldiers were taking particular glee in being about to shoot a wounded Ishvalan man. The monk ran up to these soldiers and delivered the beating they deserved._

_"Shoryuken!" The monk hit one soldier with an uppercut and threw him into the others with enough force required to kill all of them. "Father? Mother? Where are you?"_

_"Huh? What? Oh yeah, we're over here. And stuff." the monk's father called out. The monk hurried to catch up to his family. His parents and a few others were waiting for him, with his brother joining soon afterward._

_"Hey, hold my notes." the monk's brother said to his younger sibling._

_"You sure?" asked the monk._

_The older brother nodded. "Yeah."_

_"Righteous." The monk waited for a minute before asking a question. "Wait, why me and not you?"_

_"Because I'm a coward."_

_"Oh. All right, then."_

_"Hey guys!" a new, raspier voice was heard. The Ishvalans all turned to find a State Alchemist standing on a rooftop nearby. Unknown to them, this was Solf J. Kimblee. "What's up everyone?"_

_"Hey who are you?" asked a random Ishvalan._

_"Time to kill!" Kimblee cheerfully announced. He opened his hands to reveal that there was a certain transmutation circle on both palms, though each was incomplete. He combined them into their true form when clapping his palms together._

_The Crimson Alchemist unleashed many explosions unto the crowd below. But the spectacled brother thought quickly and stood in front of his brother, in order to make sure the monk did not take as much damage._

_…_

_The monk's brother was wandering around what was left of his home. He had finally come across his brother's body. He was still alive, though barely. The right arm had been blown off, and there was a scar shaped like an X on his forehead. He was bleeding to death._

_"Oh no! You've been disarmed! … Too soon. Hmm… It looks like our family's dead… no one else is around… Then it's up to me to save you. Don't you worry, Brother, I'll fix you up good as new!"_

_…_

_The monk woke up in the hospital. "Owww…. My head… and arm… and everything else…"_

_A blonde doctor with blue eyes noticed Scar waking up. "You're awake! Stay still!" she turned to a doctor that the monk wasn't able to see at the moment. "Dear, he's awake." A male doctor with the same hair and eyes came up to the resting monk._

_"Don't worry, you'll live. You just need to stay where you are for a while. We'll get someone to take you to safety." the doctor told his patient. Said doctor ran off while the monk lifted up his arm, unaware that it was his._

_"(My brother's tattoo… So he's here with me? That's good. Wait…)" The monk moved around the arm a little. "(Oh no, it's mine! His arm is MY arm? But how? Why? When?) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! THIS IS SO WEIRD!"_

_"Um…" the male doctor spoke. "We're gonna need some sedatives, STAT."_

_His wife was worried. "We're all out!"_

_"That's no good…" the doctor turned to the monk. "It's all right sir, you'll be all right!"_

_"(That man… kill… State Alchemist… kill… my brother… kill… my arm… kill.. Amestrians… … Kill Amestrians! KILL AMESTRIANS!)" The monk lurched out of bed, grabbed the nearest sharp instrument, and ran to the doctors as they were treating someone else. "MUST KILL!"_

_The scarred monk then murdered the doctors._

_…_

_Scar was in no condition to be out and around, but that didn't stop him. He had wandered away from the medical area and came across his hometown. Or rather, what little there was left of it._

_"Gone… it's all gone… No… NO! … ACCURSED STATE ALCHEMISTS, I SHALL SLAUGHTER EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"_

…

Scar's daydream was over, and he remembered that he was back in Central. An Elric Brother on each side, with the doctors' child broken down in front of him, pointing a gun to him.

"Yeah I was kind of having a bad day when that happened…" Scar scratched the back of his head. "But I understand completely. You have every right to kill me."

"Uh time out, here?" Ed said. "I think it would be best for her to _not_ shoot you. You know, shake things up. No seriously Winry, put the gun down. You don't really want to shoot him!"

Al tried next. "Winry, this isn't what your parents would want!"

"Would you quit being a drama queen and shoot me already, girl? I'm not stopping you! Go on!" Scar yelled. "But you'll become my enemy in doing that, and you know what happens to my enemies! I give them a moment to pray to their respective God, and then I kill them with my palm!"

"No!" Al yelled. "If you want to kill her, you'll have to go through me first!"

"And me before that!" Ed said.

"Come on Brother, how come I never get to go first?"

"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I DON'T CARE." Scar said. "THE AMESTRIANS STARTED IT, THEY ALL SUCK!"

Winry, having not changed at all, raised the gun even higher.

"Winry, knock it off! You can't kill someone, then you'll be just as bad as him!" Al tried to reason. "That's how it works, right Ed?"

"Uh, kind of? I can't really think right now, Al. Trying to defuse two volatile bombs at once, if you know what I mean."

"Enough!" Scar reached out to kill Ed, but Ed got out of the way. By coincidence, he ended up in front of Winry. Scar was about to try again, but then he noticed the way that Ed was protecting his dear friend, much like how his brother once protected him. Scar's arm stopped.

"Whoa… déjà vu. … This is getting too awkward for me."

"Alphonse Punch!" Al punched Scar.

"Ow! I'm leaving, you two don't play fair!" Scar ran away.

"Don't worry Brother, I'll go after him! Then you'll finally think I'm awesome! You'll see!" Al ran off to catch Scar. Ed looked to Winry.

"So, uh… We feeling better?"

The gun was lowered, but she was still in tears.

"(Huh. I should probably do something about that gun now that I finally have the chance.) You know… you should really put that gun down now… Just saying."

"Ed… I… I couldn't do it…"

"Yeah that's good, that's what we're going for here."

"B-But he killed my parents! And he almost killed you and Al!"

"Well crap happens."

Winry was just bawling at this point. Ed winced.

"That came out wrong. Umm… Crap, how can I fix this? Um… There are ants and then there's me- No that's the wrong monologue. Look. Remember when you helped give birth to that baby? Or that time you gave me these automail limbs? That's kind of… the opposite of killing people. Shooting someone isn't what you'd do, it's what someone like Scar would do, you're not like Scar! You're Winry flippin' Rockbell! You make things! You fix things! You… not shoot things!"

Ed then paused to realize that his face was turning red from all the gushing he did over Winry's positive qualities.

"(Wait… That doesn't mean that I'm in… Dang it.)"

Winry put her arms around Ed and held him close, still crying.

"(Well, I guess it's not all bad…)" Ed thought to himself.

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_You thought Scar losing an arm was intense? How about when someone loses an arm and DOESN'T have an alchemist on standby to replace it? We'll find out next time._

(A/N: Though I did support the Ed/Winry ship before, I got a whole new appreciation of it once I wrote my own take on one of their more notable scenes like you just saw. I don't want to abandon this story's roots in comedy, but I would still like to dial back the humor on scenes like that out of respect to the source material.)

(A/N 2: Scar wants to open a pet store, which comes from a joke that his dub voice actor likes to make about Scar's plans for the future.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**

**Outtake 1:**  
>Scar stood in the middle of the street.<p>

"Ev'ry day I'm murderin'." then Scar started shuffling to an electronic beat. Soon a lot of random bystanders joined him. This confused Ed, Al, and Winry to no end.

"… Okay Winry, you can shoot him now." Ed told his friend.

**Outtake 2:**  
>"Um… How are you, today? Anything interesting happen?" Al asked. Both Ed and Scar were giving him weird looks. "Um… Hey what's your favorite color?"<p>

"Well… I like orange, I guess. I think I got a hangnail earlier, but I'm not sure." answered Scar. "Gonna take a look at it later."


	23. Girl on the Battlefield

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 23: Cold Rice**

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

An injured Ling leaped from the window of an abandoned building. He ran through the streets to escape from Wrath and Gluttony, and he was still carrying an unconscious Lan Fan over his shoulder. This confused the civilians greatly. Wrath and Gluttony started to head out of the building.

"Doggone aliens! It's like that squinty one is learning how to fight me. See him study, watch him learn? How I hate that goody-goody, how he makes my stomach turn." Wrath put his eye patch back on. "Gluttony, we're gonna follow them."

"Okay!"

…

Ed and Winry were still in the battle scarred alley. The alchemist had coated his friend with his own jacket and let the MPs take her somewhere safe.

"All right, time to nab Scar!" Ed said. "Al's probably getting beaten without me there to guide him."

…

"Alphonse Punch!" Al decked Scar right in the face.

"Ow! For the love of Ishvala, how many times are you going to do that?"

"Alphonse Punch!" Al got him again.

"Waaah!"

…

"Yep. Totally lost without me."

…

Mustang and Hawkeye were still in Fuery's townhouse, listening to the radio chatter.

"Hey Lieutenant, go back them up."

"Yes sir."

"We'll meet at a vacant house outside of town. Fullmetal likes to pretend that his brother goes there very often, when he really doesn't."

"Oh, that one. I'll do my job, Colonel."

…

Ling was still going through the alleys, with Gluttony trailing him from the rooftops and Wrath casually power walking on the ground.

"(D***, they won't stop following me! What does an extraterrestrial have to do to get some privacy in this city?)" Ling eventually found that he'd reached a dead end. "(No!)"

The homunculi were on the verge of catching up to the two. Then an explosion's effects were made audible to them, despite their distance. Wrath looked up to his ally. "Hey Gluttony, go see what that is. I'll kill these two."

"But… But I wanna eat the girl! And her friend!"

"Gluttony. You will do as you're told. I don't want to cut you. But I will. … Who am I kidding, of course I want to cut you! I wanna cut everyone! But I digress, go find Scar or something."

"Awww…" Gluttony slouched over to whine. The homunculi soon embarked on their separate ventures.

…

Ling had backtracked a small distance, and fortunately Wrath wasn't close enough behind them for this to have been a perilous idea. The prince found another alley to run through. It was at this time that Lan Fan woke up again.

"Oww…. My arm…" Lan Fan gasped when she noticed how limp her left arm was in actuality, as she had merely thought it to be a normal wound.

"Oh hey you're awake!" Ling smiled for only a second.

The bodyguard winced at the realization of what she had become. "Young Lord… leave me behind… I'm useless."

"What?"

"I can't use this arm anymore. I think he severed a few important nerves. Just go without me!"

Ling shook his head. "No! Kings have to have as many subjects as possible, therefore I have to keep you alive!"

Lan Fan smiled. "So you do remember why you came here."

"Of course. … Say what planet is Xing on anyway?"

Lan Fan stopped smiling. The prince had remembered his goal, but was still under the assumption that he was an alien. After all the hard work it took for the two of them and Fu to cross the desert, this was aggravating. However Lan Fan couldn't focus on anger, as her arm hurt too much.

"Besides, if I left you behind, I'd lose valuable running time!"

"Then there's only one thing… ow… for me to do… Young Lord, please hand me one of my kunai."

Ling cheerfully complied. "Sure, here you go. Why do you want it?"

The ninja carefully readied her weapon and aimed inwardly. Ling still had no idea what she was doing with it.

"So… You gonna throw it at them or something?"

…

Scar and Al were on a water tower at the train station exclusively for cargo trains.

"Boy, how could you have faith in the art that reduced you to a mere soul in a suit of armor?"

"Umm… because… uhh… something about Brother, I know he's involved with the answer… uhh…" Al had trouble with the answer. He decided to abandon it in favor of knocking Scar down to the ground. Scar's descent didn't leave him lonely for long, as Al jumped down to join him.

"Ow… I don't think I should've survived that fall with virtually no injuries like I just did." Scar commented. "Oh well."

Scar readied his hand and ran up to Alphonse. The armor could easily counter this, but Edward showed up and kicked Scar a few feet back.

"Phew!" Ed sighed with relief. "Made in time. I've got your back, Al."

Al turned to the side and pouted. "(Aw man, just when I was about to cement my awesomeness!)"

_SLAM!_

The ground shook as Gluttony made an appearance on the train station battlefield.

"Ishvalan! Now I have another chance to eat you!"

"Umm… What the h*** is that?" Ed asked.

"I think he's one of the homunculi." Al leaned in, whispering. "Lieutenant Hawkeye had a run-in with him before."

Ed's eyes perked up. "Hey Scar, can you go away now? We have to capture him."

Scar cocked his eyebrow. "No. I'm trying to murder you, remember?"

"Aww you're no fun." Ed moaned.

"Brother, did you really think that would work?"

"It was worth a shot!"

Gluttony lunged at Scar, but the Ishvalan sidestepped the homunculus and planted his right palm firmly on the side of the plump one and used his signature attack. Gluttony fell to the ground while spewing blood.

"It's easy when you're such a large target." Scar told Gluttony. The homunculus regenerated and got back up with a wide grin.

"Time to eat!"

A sewer maintenance cover flew up, and out came Ling from the sewers. Shirtless and with a sword in his mouth, Ling landed on Gluttony's shoulders and shoved a grenade into the homunculus's mouth before jumping away.

"That tasted like chick-" Gluttony's critique of the grenade was interrupted by the explosion that immediately caused entirety of his body above the waistline to scatter all over the place.

"Ewww…" Ed, Al, Scar and Ling all said at once.

"Ed, go get me some cable!" Ling barked.

"Okay." Ed casually walked over to the railroad and transmuted some of the metal into a wire before tossing it to Ling.

"Took you long enough!" complained Ling. Though he didn't have much time for it, he had to quickly tie Gluttony into a ball as he was regenerating. "There! Now you're trapped!"

…

Wrath was casually following a trail of blood in the alley.

"Ah, nothing like a refreshing walk through an alley while using a trail of blood to track someone. I sure hope the good gentleman Father lets me kill them instead of imprisoning them." Wrath's good eye bulged. "Oh you've got to be kidding me."

Lan Fan's bloody arm had been disembodied and tied to the back of an innocent dog.

"Oh that's just not right. … Oh and I guess this means I wasn't on their trail after all… and stuff. … D***it."

…

Lan Fan was nauseously walking through the sewer, using Ling's discarded yellow jacket to cover her new opening. Despite the pain and dizziness, she found herself smirking.

"I guess it looks like… ninja beats pirate after all…"

…

Scar raised his hand, which Ed noticed.

"Yes, Scar, you have a question?"

Scar nodded and lowered his arm. "So that's a homunculus?"

"Oh yeah, totally." Ed answered.

Hawkeye- wearing glasses, different clothes, and with her hair down- wildly skidded the car up to the group and shot Scar in the leg.

"ISHVALA D***IT!"

"Get in!" the lieutenant ordered.

"Whatever." Ed, Al, and Ling all said at once. Then it hit Ed and Al that this was Hawkeye in disguise. As they were shocked, Ling picked Gluttony up and slowly carried him into the car.

"NICE OF YOU GUYS TO HELP ME!" Ling shouted sarcastically. "(All this carrying strength… I could be a purple Pikmin. Maybe that's the kind of alien I am.)" Ling slammed Gluttony down into the car's back seat and hopped in after him. "Let's go!"

Hawkeye floored the pedal and drove off. Ed and Al turned their attention to Scar, but then a young Xingese girl in pink clothes leaped from the shadows and kicked the two of them, knocking them down. A miniature panda joined her. It was May Chang and Shao May.

"Hi Mr. Scar! I helped!" May recapped.

"I know, I was there."

May turned angrily to Ed. "How dare you beat up the servant of the man who saved my life? Where do you get off, little man?"

"LITTLE? I'LL KILL YOU!" Ed raged.

The MPs showed up to apprehend Scar, but May threw a few knives around and drew a pentagram in a circle on the dirt with her feet. Using alkahestry, a shroud of smoke was born. Scar and May escaped this way.

…

Hawkeye was recklessly driving through town. "Don't worry Ling Yao, we're taking you to a secure location."

"My vassal, she's in the sewer! I wanna get her!"

"Ling, we can't stop at the sewer AND the restaurant, you'll have to make up your mind!" Hawkeye scolded.

"The sewer then! Chop-chop!"

Hawkeye rolled her eyes and made an abrupt turn at the next intersection. Wrath was nearby and got a good glimpse of Hawkeye from the side as she passed.

"… I see what you did there, Mustang…" The Fuhrer noticed Hawkeye's disguise.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Lan Fan<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Winry<em>  
>…<p>

In yet another alley of the city, May was using alkahestry to fix the bullet wound in Scar's leg.

"(The way that the Fullmetal Alchemist protected his friend… it was like the way my brother protected me. And the way that I took that girl's family away from her is not unlike how that State Alchemist took mine from me.)"

"Is it safe to come out now?" Yoki stuck his head from behind a crate.

"Hi Yuki." Scar greeted.

"It's Yo- … Never mind." Yoki had tried to correct him numerous times in the past, but eventually gave up. "Sir, this place is crawling with military police. I think we should go. I hear Xing's nice this time of year, let's go there!"

Scar shook his head. "No, I need to kill more people. … No scratch that, I need to reflect on whether or not killing people is the right thing to do."

Yoki slouched dramatically and whined. "Awwww! But can't we do that in Xing?"

"No."

May stood up. "It wouldn't work anyway, Mr. Yoki. The only safe place for us in Xing would be in the Chang clan, and it's not much more than a slum. If we go to any of the other clans, someone might try to assassinate me."

Yoki cradled his head in his arms and hit it against a wall while crying out of frustration. "Why must I travel with people who insist on being living targets?"

Scar stood up.

"Quit crying and go. I can't believe that you cry more than the little girl in the group, honestly." Scar started walking away. It took Yoki a few seconds to notice before following his master in a panic. May stood still, however.

"Uhh… Mr. Yoki? Mr. Yoki's servant? I think I'm missing something."

Yoki turned back. "Well if you lost it, it can't be of much value to you!"

"But it is!" May pleaded.

"What could it possibly be?" demanded Yoki incredulously.

…

Ed and Al were in a limo. In Al's grasp resided Shao May the tiny panda.

"I'm gonna name her, 'Fluffy'."

"Al, we can't keep a cat!"

"What cat? I don't see any cat! Oh well, I guess we have no cat with us!" Al said as he quickly put Shao May in his torso, to the dismay of the bear and his brother. Ed put his metal hand up to his forehead.

"Al, I'm not a moron. I saw you put that cat in your torso."

Al didn't respond.

…

At Central Command, Ed and Al walked into a room to see Winry sitting across a table from King Bradley.

"Winry? Fuhrer Bradley? Together?" Ed and Al asked at once.

"Hi Ed and Al." Bradley and Winry also spoke at once.

"I can understand Winry being here since I told an MP to take her somewhere safe, but why are you here, Fuhrer Bradley?" Ed asked.

Bradley shrugged. "I was here first. Why should I leave just because someone else shows up? I'm Wrath the Furious, I can do what do I want!"

"What was that?" Al questioned. Bradley covered for himself.

"I said that this girl is lucky to have you two for friends."

"Well thank you, sir!" Al fell for the lie like a chump, as did Ed.

Bradley stood up. "Well actually I do have something I need to be doing now. Those death row criminals aren't going to execute themselves. See you!" announced the Fuhrer as he left.

Winry was confused. "That guy's weird. Was he really the Fuhrer?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Ed answered.

"Ed, what happened to my parents?"

Ed and Al sighed. The older brother rested his metal hand on Winry's shoulder.

"Well you see-"

_Lo and behold, Edward did narrate the tale of Mr. and Mrs. Rockbell's demises. Meanwhile I, Father, was not interested. When the story had concluded, Ed and Al took their friend to the hotel lobby. It was time to pack her bags and return to Rush Valley. But first, a phone call for young Winry._

"Hello Mr. Garfiel. … Why yes, I'm actually about to pack my bags right as you called!"

…

"Sheesh. It's about time, Winry!" Garfiel was swarmed by citizens of Rush Valley, all of them clamoring for Winry's return. "None of these ingrates want _my_ expert prosthetics. They all took a liking to you. Seriously, it's a good thing you're not on your own out here, or you'd run me out of business!"

Garfiel laughed, as did Winry on the other side. "But no seriously, I need you back."

…

Ed and Al were seeing Winry off at the train station.

"Hey Winry." Ed walked up to her window. "Next time I make you cry, it'll be because you're so happy that Al and I got our bodies back!" Then it hit him. "(Whoa, where'd that come from?)"

Winry nodded.

"All right, Ed. Next time I cry, it'll be for that."

"No I said 'next time I make you cry'. Not 'next time you cry'. You can cry all you want until then, it just won't be my fault."

"Well that'll be my part of the promise." Winry told Ed. He had no choice but to accept it.

"I'm just glad we stopped you from shooting Scar. People still depend on you, you know." Al rubbed the back of his helmet with his hand, though it was superfluous without any sense of touch. The three of them said their goodbyes, and the train left. It wasn't long at all before Ed and Winry had the same thought.

"(Oh no… I'm in _love_? Darn it.)"

…

Dr. Knox was about to enter the front door of his house, when Mustang popped out from a bush.

"What's up, doc?"

"S***! … Oh it's you, Roy. What the h*** were you doing in my shrubbery?" Knox was less than happy to see Mustang in the bushes on his front lawn.

"Well I was waiting for you to show up… but then your flamingo statue kind of creeped me out, so I was hiding while waiting. We need your help."

Knox sighed. "Fine… But I won't like it!"

…

In an abandoned cabin on the outskirts of town, Knox was operating on Lan Fan.

"What the h*** were you thinking, you idiot? Walking around the sewers with your arm cut off? You could get lockjaw! Or tetanus! Or you could've ran into the entrance to the Minus World!" Clearly the doctor didn't approve of what Lan Fan had spent her afternoon doing.

As Knox worked on the patient and Hawkeye held her steady, Ling and the Elric Brothers were in the hall.

"I'm just saying, Al, this cabin really agrees with you in my mind!"

"Brother, it's just a cabin. I don't like it as much as you think I do."

Ignoring his brother, Ed looked to see Ling moping in one of the darker corners of the room. He was given a long, black jacket to replace his original one. Ed sighed and walked over.

"Ling… I've got to tell you something. You're not an alien."

He prince looked up. "Wh-What?"

"You're not really an alien. That term also applies to foreigners from other countries, not just people from other planets. We didn't have the heart to tell you. But you need to know."

"But… I wanted a spaceship!"

"We're sorry, Ling." Al stepped in. "But you, Lan Fan, and the other ninja are all from this planet. Xing's just across the desert."

"… I've always wondered, deep down in my mind. But I didn't want it to be true." Ling was ashamed.

…

Lan Fan woke up. Knox was washing his hands while Ed, Al, Hawkeye and Mustang were at her bedside.

"Oh hey, you're up." Ed said. "So do you just dismember yourself every time you get stressed or what? Why exactly did this happen?"

"I… threw them off… our trail." the ninja answered. "I learned it from you, when we fought…"

Ed sighed. "Yeah, except my arm is removable. Yours isn't. Oh well…"

"I'm bored." Mustang left the room and noticed Ling. "Hey. I'm Colonel Mustang."

Ling stood up and put his hands together. "I'm Prince Ling Yao. Once thought to be an alien, but I am a man like you. Unfortunately."

The two brothers and Knox joined the men with black hair in the hallway and all turned their attention to the captured Gluttony.

"And just what in the name of all that's holy is that thing?" Knox asked.

"A homunculus." everyone answered at once. Knox slapped his forehead.

"Of course. Should've figured it'd be something weird."

Ling then realized something. "Hey everyone! King Bradley's a homunculus!"

Mustang did a spit take of the milk he was doing. All over Ed.

"Dang it, Colonel! Where'd you even get that drink?"

Al was more focused. "Seriously, Ling? He's a homunculus?" Al started counting with his fingers. "Gluttony, Greed, Lust…" Al stopped, "but King isn't a sin!"

Knox slapped himself again. "Of course. I had to get dragged into this of all things."

Ling nodded. "Yep, him and Gluttony were totally partners in crime today. Except there was something more human about Bradley."

Mustang realized something as well. "Uh, Ling? I think you're full of it. The Fuhrer has a son, remember? Homunculi can't reproduce."

Knox hit Mustang on the back of the head. "Selim Bradley is adopted, genius. You know that!"

"Oh yeah…"

"Geez Mustang. You aren't that great with details sometimes." Knox said. Something clicked in Gluttony.

_Geez Mustang. You sure aren't…_  
><em>Geez Mustang<em>  
><em>Mustang<em>  
><em>Mustang<em>  
><em>Muuuustaaaaang…..<em>

"**_MUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!_**" Gluttony roared, which got everyone's attention. Gluttony managed to stand up. A hole opened in his stomach, revealing a gray eye that was somewhat familiar to both Ed and Al.

"Uhhh… What's he doing?" Knox asked. No one answered.

"_MUST KILL ROY MUSTANG! ROY MUSTANG KILLED LUST! ACTIVATING KIRBY MODE!_"

…

Hawkeye was waiting outside, when suddenly a large chunk of the cabin was taken in by an extreme and sudden burst of wind blowing inwardly.

"… What's going on in there?"

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Gluttony gets serious. Kind of._

(A/N: I've read that Lan Fan's name translate into English as 'cold rice', hence the chapter title. Not sure why she's named that, but whatever. I decided that, for cutting her arm off, she can have the chapter title. Also it reminds me of the title of a previous episode, 'Cold Flame'.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**


	24. Inside the Belly

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 24: Feeding Frenzy**

…  
>HOLOGRAM<br>…

Envy entered what looked to be a holding cell of sorts.

"Marcoh, I'm home!" Envy paused to let a laugh track go off. After that, he continued with, "Hey Dr. Marcoh you fat lard, come get some dinner already!" Envy called. The homunculus noticed Dr. Marcoh sitting in the corner, moping.

"No! I don't wanna!"

Envy was in disbelief. "But… But you have to! You're a candidate for the sacrifice!"

Marcoh looked up. "Say, you're not gonna use your giant transmutation circle to turn all of Amestris into a Philosopher's Stone, are you?"

Envy laughed and shook his head. "Nope! But that's close! Say did I ever tell you about this time I killed some guy with glasses in a telephone booth? Man I loved that! BANG! Hahaha! He's dead now! He had a wife and little girl, too! Guess who they won't be seeing again? All because of me! That was the second best day of my life!"

"You're just kind of a colossal tool. Aren't you, Envy?" Marcoh asked.

"SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN ME! DON'T FORGET YOUR PLACE, HUMAN! OR I'LL DESTROY YOUR VILLAGE MYSELF!" Envy yelled. He was mad now.

…

King Bradley was walking around Central Command. It was earlier that day that he had tried to exterminate Ling and Lan Fan, only to lose their trail. The Fuhrer looked confused.

"Now where was my house again?"

"_Wow Wrath, you sure sucked out there today. Not only did you fail to kill Scar and those ninja, but now Gluttony's been kidnapped._"

Wrath looked up in fear before turning three-hundred sixty degrees. No one else was there, only a voice. "Who's there? Wait… Santa Clause, is that you?"

"_No moron, we don't even celebrate Christmas in Amestris! It's me! Pride! The best thing since sliced bread! … Wait what am I saying, I'm way better than sliced bread! I'm a homunculus, what chance does bread stand?_"

"Oh hi Pride." Wrath greeted. "What's up, Home Skillet?"

"_If you call me that again, I won't hesitate to kill you. Now if you can go without looking at the symbolic butterfly and spider on the wall, I'd like to ask why you seem so happy about all this._"

Wrath wasn't listening. As soon as Pride mentioned the symbolic butterfly and spider on the wall, the furious homunculus gave the small creatures his full attention.

"So symbolic…" Wrath was mesmerized, "… yet I have no earthly clue what it's supposed to mean."

"_Wrath, focus! Or I'm telling Father on you!_"

"But I'm the baby! The youngest child never gets in trouble!" stated Wrath. Though Pride couldn't be seen, an action described as a 'face palm' was audible.

"_Would you just answer my question? Sheesh I can't believe I'm the one that has to ask you! I'm too good for this! But Gluttony's kidnapped, Envy's having a temper tantrum with Dr. Marcoh, Sloth is digging, and everyone else is dead. So that leaves me. Now answer my question!_"

"Well today was my sixtieth birthday, so I think I have the right to be a little happy about it, wouldn't you agree? And for my birthday I got the best gift I could ask for- violence. And getting that new golf club from the missus doesn't hurt, either."

Pride corrected him. "_We homunculi don't believe in birthdays, Wrath._"

Wrath shook his head and sighed. "You Father-born homunculi just don't get it, I guess."

"_What? No! I'm Pride! I get every concept! Ever! I'm smarter than you! You're nothing but a brute, Wrath the Furious! As implied by your name!_"

"So I enjoy killing, big deal. I'm just saying, I won't complain if my birthday present is the chance to murder some Xingese. It's the best thing I could've asked for besides a new sword. The ones Envy bought crapped out on me. Lousy palm tree man." the visible homunculus told the other. "Which reminds me, there's a very real possibility that we could fail in this whole plan."

"_I won't tell Father that you said that. He might think you're switching sides._"

Wrath laughed loudly before adding, "Yeah right! Just the other day, Envy jealously called Father fat! I doubt he'd care about this!"

"_It is in Envy's nature to be jealous. You have no such excuse. Treason is irrelevant to fury._" Once more, Pride was correcting his brethren.

"Oh s*** you're right. Fine, I'm not switching sides. And I'll take care of the Gluttony situation."

"_Remember your place, Wrath. Good night._"

There was a nearby generic soldier who had noticed the Fuhrer speaking out loud to no one in particular. For anyone else, this would seem suspicious or at least like a sign of insanity. But since it was King Bradley, the soldier just accepted it.

…

Out by the cabin in the woods, Hawkeye investigated the new crater in the ground and the opening in the aforementioned cabin. Gluttony was standing, freed from his ropes. His stomach was wide open, ribs positioned as extra fangs. There was a gray eye in his abdominal abyss.

"GLUTTONY WANT EAT!"

Hawkeye turned her head. "Huh. You don't see that everyday."

Mustang, Al, and Knox all unearthed themselves from some nearby rubble. The colonel turned to his subordinate and said, "Lieutenant, stay out of his way! I'm the one he wants!"

"No," Alphonse shook his head, "he said he wants Eat. We only need to worry about that person."

Mustang and Knox were both stunned at Al's ignorance. Ed himself then rose from the rubble.

"Al, did you just make a bad joke?"

"… Yes, Brother."

"Okay so you're not really that stupid. That's good." Ed told his brother.

Mustang pulled on his gloves. "All right! I get to kill another homunculus!"

Ed and Al were stunned. Al spoke first. "But we worked so hard to catch him!"

"He knows our names and faces, Elric!" said Mustang "We can't let him leave!"

"I really doubt he's smart enough to remember who all of you are." Knox told his accomplice. Ignoring this, Mustang snapped and created a large fireball, which soared through the air toward Gluttony. The homunculus did catch on fire, but it wasn't long before the eyeball in his stomach swallowed the flames whole. It looked like Gluttony had never been burnt to begin with.

"D***it! That's all I can do!" Mustang complained. "… Run away!"

Mustang and the Elric Brothers proceeded to run off into the woods, and Gluttony followed them.

"Hey!" Ed said. "He can't chase all of us if we split up! Let's try it!"

"Wait, he'd just go for me, though!" Mustang told Ed.

"What? Go for it? All right then!" Ed feigned ignorance to what the colonel had just told him. He really did despise Roy Mustang. At the upcoming clearing, Ed and Al went in separate paths from Mustang, leaving him alone.

"You two suck!" the colonel called out to the brothers. Gluttony popped up, but Hawkeye did as well, and she shot Gluttony a few times before ducking down.

"Colonel, get down!"

Without question, Mustang ducked. Just in time, Gluttony swallowed the tree behind Mustang and Hawkeye.

…

Dr. Knox was waiting in a car while Ling was escorting the still weak and injured Lan Fan.

"Would you two hurry it up already? I'm missing my shows!" At that moment, the Xingese sensed the presence of a second homunculus. They were about to investigate, but Knox wouldn't let them. "I told you two to hurry up! If we don't leave, we're gonna be dinner! And where are all those idiots?"

"Over here." Ed answered from behind a tree. Him, Al, Mustang, and Hawkeye all safely returned to the car. "Okay Mustang, you get on out of here."

"No way!" Mustang retorted.

"JUST DO IT!" screamed both of the Elric Brothers at once.

"Sir, we have other matters to tend to." reminded Hawkeye. "Like the Fuhrer."

"Fine… Wait how'd you know about that, lieutenant?" Mustang asked.

"The walls of the cabin are very thin, sir. Very thin." Hawkeye and Mustang got in the car, but the lieutenant made sure to reach out the window and give Ed a gun.

"Say what?" Ed asked.

Hawkeye explained it to Ed. "It's a gun. You know, the thing that shoots bullets? If you find yourself in danger, you may need this."

"But… it's a weapon for killing people!" the Fullmetal Alchemist protested.

"No, it's a weapon for self defense." said Hawkeye.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's for killing." Al went along with Ed's thesis.

"Come on lieutenant, I just had to talk my best friend out of using a gun earlier! I can't be a hypocrite!" Ed complained.

"Just take the gun and keep yourselves alive! Bye!" yelled Dr. Knox. He then drove off, leaving Ed and Al. But they weren't alone.

"All right! Let's do this, gang!" Ling cheered. Al turned in shock while Ed started cursing.

"Ling? How long were you standing there? Weren't you in the car?" asked Al.

"I moved in the space between spaces. Now let's catch that homunculus!"

…

Gluttony was still on a rampage in the forest, trying to inhale Mustang.

"I'm lost… But I want to eat Mustang!" Gluttony proceeded to bump into Ed, Al, and Ling. "Have you seen Roy Mustang?"

"Nah, he's gone." Ling told him.

"THEN I'LL JUST EAT YOU!"

"Gluttony! Knock it off!" a raspy voice called out. Everyone looked over to find a black Doberman with glowing red eyes on top of a nearby hill.

Ling got on his hands and knees. "Thank you Scooby Doo, you have saved us from this voracious monster!"

"Screw you kid, you're the only one of the three humans here that I _don't_ care about!" the dog said. Ling was heartbroken.

"Brother, how can that dog talk? Is it a chimera? And furthermore, wouldn't the shape of a dog's mouth make human speech impossible?"

"Al, be quiet." Ed answered. The dog then stood on its hind legs as a red, electrical light enveloped it. When all was said and done, the newcomer was no more than Envy.

"You brats better watch out, because… uhh…" Envy was having trouble thinking. "… Drat, I can't think of a dog pun! Oh well, kid. You won't be hanging out with the armor and the pipsqueak anymore!

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Lan Fan<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Envy<em>  
>…<p>

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A PIPSQUEAK?" Ed raged. He ran up to Envy and kicked him a few feet away.

"Ow that hurt! Knock it off, the only reason I'm here is to get Gluttony, so calm down!"

"Envy, I want to eat!"

"Too bad! You know, you're a real pain! … Oh no I'm turning into Sloth! Well that's not important now. Anyway, you don't get to eat these two or Mustang. They're candidates! … You can eat the Xingese guy though."

"Hooray!"

Ling perked up. "Hey wait, this guy's a homunculus too!"

"You didn't know?" asked Envy. "Gluttony and I were fighting you and your friend on the night that Lust died! How did you forget? Well ignoring that, you've also fought Wrath. So you're clearly an enemy of the homunculi. But we're better than you! You're not better, we are! Us! Me! Envy!"

Ed clapped his hands and transmuted a wall. He and Al were on one side with Gluttony, leaving Envy and Ling on the other side.

"Nooo! Now I can't fight back! Or eat! I'm so hungry!"

On the other side, Envy was staring Ling down.

"All right fine, brat! You've defeated Wrath, but I'm ten times better! You heard me! Wrath's not hot s***, I am! Did he tell you he was better than me, because he's not! You think he's better than me don't you?"

"Pocket Sand!" Ling threw sand into Envy's eyes.

"AAAH!"

…

King Bradley was having dinner with his family.

"So Selim got an A on his report, huh? That's excellent. Like me, I'm excellent!"

"Yes dear, the whole class had to write about their fathers, and his paper was the best in the whole class." Mrs. Bradley was beaming. "The bragging was a bit excessive on his part, but it really was a great paper. He dictated the title and I wrote it, but the rest was all him. I'm so proud!"

"Cool, let's hear it." Bradley said.

"Ahem." Selim cleared his throat and read his paper aloud. This is what it said:

_**My Father: The Essay**_  
><em><strong>By Selim Bradley (The One, The Only, The Best)<strong>_

_**my father toetully rules and hes in charge of amestris. my father always thinks about what he plans to do with the people but im still his favorite. but this isn't about me sadly, it's about my father. He is very very very very very very very old but he can still do what he want's. Father takes grate care of the shape of this country and I have his full trust. i love Father vary much and he loves me.**_

_**Thend.**_

"Nifty." Bradley complimented. "Nothing pleases Father more than hearing how his son loves him."

"I don't know why you're referring to yourself like that, dear. But Mother is also proud." Mrs. Bradley said. "Her two favorite men get along so well!"

…

Envy turned one of his arms into a snake and wrapped it around Ling, who looked like he had something in his mouth. The other arm became a sickle. "I'm part Ekans and part Scyther. Which one should kill you?" Ling blew sand into Envy's face. "AAAAH! NOT AGAIN!"

"Ling used Sand Attack! It was super effective!" narrated the young prince. Envy let go of Ling to tend to his face, which left him wide open for when Ling used his blade to sever the snake arm, right at the shoulder.

"D*** you human, you're really getting on my nerves!" Envy muttered as he fell onto his back. When he landed, there was a very loud slamming noise and some shaking. Envy got up onto his knees as Ling approached, sword pointed at Envy's nose.

"Tell me how to become immortal."

"No!"

"Pocket Sand!" Ling threw more sand into Envy's face.

"D***it!"

"Tell me how to become immortal."

"No!"

"Pocket Sand!" Ling threw even more sand into Envy's face.

"Oh come o-Aaaah!"

This went on for a while. Eventually Envy jumped at Ling, but the prince dodged, causing the homunculus to land flat on his face.

"Ouch!" He rolled over onto his back in time to dodge Ling's sword as it came into the ground. Ling was about to have another go, but then Envy took the form of the wounded Lan Fan. Ling stabbed him anyway.

"WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? Lan Fan left hours ago!" Ling told Envy. Al stuck his hand out from behind the wall.

"Brother, stay back!"

Unaware of Ed's presence, Ling looked to notice his friend running up to the two and yelling.

"Ling watch out, Gluttony's right behi-" But Ed was cut off, as Gluttony inhaled Ling, Envy, Ed, and the left hand of Al. The two remaining people stood in silence for five minutes.

"Derp." said Gluttony. Al ran up to him, picked him up, and threw him at the wall.

"Spit up my brother and Ling right now, you monster!" Gluttony's extra teeth and stomach closed down and he reverted to his normal self.

"I can't. I ate them."

…

Dr. Knox was sitting back in a chair in his bedroom while Lan Fan was resting on the master bed.

"I have no ****in' clue how I got myself into this mess, but here you go. I'm gonna go listen to the radio. I'm still missing my shows."

"But… the Young Lord!"

"Shut up about that squinty brat already! You need to stay in bed, idiot! After you're all healed up, then you can do whatever reckless crap you feel like."

…

Mustang was driving a car with Hawkeye in shotgun. Mustang was speaking to a sock puppet with glasses and a hairstyle reminiscent of Hughes.

"All right I'm finally taking your advice, Hughes." Mustang spoke to his puppet. "Time to find out who in the Senior Staff is on my side and who's on their side."

"Sir, I think this grief over Hughes's death is getting to you. His family didn't even hold onto it for this long."

"I don't know what you're talking about, lieutenant."

The puppet- really mustang- spoke up. "Yeah, nothing strange is going on here." Hawkeye found this disturbing, and with good reason.

…

Mustang had jumped at the chance and spoke to one of the staff members in their office immediately.

**Name - Lieutenant General Raven**  
><strong>Specialty - Tending to his troops<strong>  
><strong>Notes - The man has a creepy smile<strong>

"Why hello, Colonel Mustang. What brings you to my office at this hour?"

"Hey General Raven, let's have a walk and talk."

…

Mustang and Raven were walking through the hallway.

"So…" Mustang began, "… I've been hearing a bunch of crazy rumors."

"Oh?" Raven was intrigued. "Like what?"

"Oh small potatoes, really. Scar and a guy that resembles Ingo were seen with a little girl and a cat, some dog is running around with a bloody arm tied to its back, King Bradley is a homunculus, alien ninja are running around, all sorts of good stuff."

"What was that?" Raven asked.

"Alien ninja? Yeah I dunno, it might have to do with these-"

"No, before that."

Mustang rubbed his chin. "A dog with a bloody arm tied to its back?"

"No, about Fuhrer Bradley."

"Oh." Mustang smiled. "Something about him being a homunculus. Yeah I thought it was totally crazy, but some nut jobs on the street keep blabbing about it."

Raven firmly shoved Mustang into a nearby room. It was the staffroom for the Senior Staff.

"… Hi guys." Mustang greeted. No answer. They were all glaring at Mustang, as was Raven when he walked in.

**The Senior Staff**  
><strong>Names - Cremin, Edison, McJerkface, Snobby O'Tool, Meany, Bull E., Bob<strong>  
><strong>Specialty - Being incredibly unlikable<strong>  
><strong>Notes - They watched <em>Bambi<em> and laughed at the bit where his mom died**

"Hey everyone, get a load of this," Raven started, "Mustang here thinks the Fuhrer is a homunculus." The Senior Staff kept glaring.

Mustang sighed. "Well, walked right into that one." Speaking of walking, Wrath then made an appearance in the meeting room.

"Hey! I never said you could initiate the Group Glare without me! Man, you're all jerks. It looks like _Twelve Angry Men_ gone wrong in here." commented the Fuhrer-Homunculus. "So Mustang, let's suppose I was a homunculus. Would that really be so bad?"

"Eh, kinda." Mustang answered.

"… B-But I'm excellent!"

"Yeah but the homunculi are kind of up to no good, you know… Causing trouble in everybody's neighborhoods."

Now it was time for Wrath to join in the Group Glare. "We need to have a talk."

…

Ed woke up. He was in a large cavern of sorts, with assorted ruins of various things all around him. It didn't take him long to notice that it was flooded with blood, all the way up to his ankles.

"… This place is weird. Wait… What the-" Ed walked over and found a skeleton in a very familiar outfit. "… Cornello? Just where in the h*** am I? … I just hope the answer wasn't right there in the question…"

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, my Fury and my Jealousy both seem to be very talkative to their present company. I thought I raised them better than that._

(A/N: No seriously, the Senior Staff are all complete monsters in my book, right down there with Envy and Shou Tucker.)

(A/N 2: Ling's pocket sand attack comes from an episode of King of the Hill.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**

**Outtake:**  
>"Gluttony! Knock it off!" a raspy voice called out. Everyone looked over to find a black Doberman with glowing red eyes on top of a nearby hill.<p>

Ling got on his hands and knees. "Thank you Scooby Doo, you have saved us from this voracious monster!"

"Screw you kid, you're the only one of the three humans here that I _don't_ care about!" the dog said. Ling was heartbroken, and the dog transformed into Envy.

"Scooby Doo, you've sold out and became a villain?" Al cried. "Are _all_ of my role models secretly evil?"


	25. Doorway of Darkness

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**I formally apologize for the long wait between this chapter and the most recent one. To write these chapters, I re-watch the respective dubbed episode so that I can get a good reminder of what happens and which jokes I can do. However Funimation took the dubbed episodes offline so I couldn't see them. While I do have the entire Brotherhood series on DVD, I do not want to watch them on my computer while typing, for I fear that multitasking with a DVD in my computer would damage said DVD. Now that I've explained myself, here is the chapter.**

**Episode 25: Gluttony's Inside Story**

…

HOLOGRAM

…

_Last time, Ed, Ling, and Envy were eaten by Gluttony. Mustang found out that King Bradley was evil. And Mike Dawson finally figured out who killed Rita._

Ed was still in the infinite cavern of ankle-high blood. The boy began to search for Ling, but he wasn't having much luck.

"Ling Yao! Come out, come out, wherever you are! … Hello? Anyone? I swear if you're busy gorging yourself, I'm gonna-"

"Gonna what?" Ling asked threateningly. Ed turned around to find his friend holding a torch. "In fact, how do I even know you're the real Ed? That walking palm tree can shape shift!"

"Come on Ling, do you really think I'm Envy?"

"Hey! Today alone I found out that not only am I not an alien, but that Scooby Doo is also evil! I don't know what's what anymore! So forgive me if I'm a bit short with you!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT?" the rage from Ed reached cartoon-like proportions.

Ling nodded. "Okay, you're Ed. And to prove I'm Ling, I'll tell you every time I've said the word 'space'. Ahem-" Ed started to panic.

"No Ling that's alright, I believe you! Just please… don't."

The prince from Xing started looking around. "Well since Gluttony ate us, I'd figure we're in his stomach. Oh and hey, there's part of the cabin that he ate! … And hey, there's a steak!"

"Oh, Al's not gonna like what Gluttony's done to the cabin. He just loves it so much."

"Ed, he really doesn't."

Ed completely ignored Ling and started moving on. He turned back to the prince and shouted to him. "Come on, we've got to find an exit!"

As Ed kept walking, he saw Al's left hand. "When did… oh I guess a small piece of Al got caught in here too." Ling watched as Ed stared intently at the gauntlet for a long time. To the prince's surprise, Ed started flailing it around.

"Ed?"

"_NOW CONVENIENTLY AWAKEN, TELEPATHIC POWERS! SUPER DUPER ELRIC TELEPATHY GO! … AL, CAN YOU HEAR ME? ALPHONSE?"_

…

An older man was staring out of his window as his wife walked up to him. "Billy, come back to bed. You have work in the morning."

"But… but Martha it feels like someone's trying to contact me. … And I think they have the wrong number."

…

Ed lowered the hand. "Well that plan didn't work. Think I should try again?" However Ling's response was to just shake his head. "What if I transmute a hole in the ground and we fall out?"

"Hmm…" Ling pondered as he rubbed his chin, "I guess it could work. We'd have to test it with something like a torch first. Now I'm sure that this plan will work and we will get out of here!"

It didn't work. They didn't get out.

…

In the alleyways of Central, May plopped down in front of a burning box. She was upset due to the absence of her panda, Shao May. All the while, Yoki was holding a stick with a marshmallow on it over the fire.

"Mr. Yoki, I can't find Shao May! What do you think?"

"It's probably dead." Yoki told the girl. May glared at Yoki, and the man made a face best described as a 'troll face' in response. May kept glaring, but Yoki's expression never changed. They held this up for five whole minutes before Scar spoke up in an attempt to change the subject. Of the few things Yoki could actually do to intimidate Scar, that face was one of them.

"Uhhh say, how'd that cat get so small anyway?"

May shook her head. "Shao May's not a cat, she's a panda. But when she was a baby, she got a disease and now she'll always be small."

"I'm not sure if that's an actual dis-" Yoki started, but Scar and May glared at him. "Er, go on."

…

_May was all alone somewhere in Xing, walking through the rain. To keep her dry, she had a large leaf. As the girl strolled back to her home, she found a sad little panda getting soaked. May bent down to get a closer look and maybe even pet the poor thing._

"_Aww, are you-" the panda bit her. "AAAAAHHH! DEMON PANDA! DEMON PANDA!"_

"_Did you try the Wuxi Finger Hold?" Scar's voice was heard as he asked, back in the present._

"_The what?" The current May was confused._

"_Never mind, back to the story."_

_The following happened as May narrated. "I took care of Shao May and nursed her back to health. After that, we were inseparable. To be without her now feels like I'm missing an arm or something."_

…

Scar stood up and pulled a hood over his head. He looked down to May Chang. "I'll help you find her." May's eyes lit up.

"You will?" she rocketed over and latched onto Scar's leg. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Tha-" Distressed, Scar called to Yoki.

"Gorman, get her off me!" but when Scar looked, Yoki was making the troll face again. Scar shuddered.

…

After a long and tiring trek through the Sea of Ankle Blood, as Ed had dubbed it, the two boys found refuge on a small island. What Ed was currently up to was watching in disbelief as Ling had finished eating the boot that had covered Ed's metal foot.

"Ling… when I said that it was edible, I meant that I had to-"

"LING HUNGRY! LING WANT MORE!"

Ed shook his head in disbelief. "Imagine. The guy gets eaten and he starts complaining about getting hungry."

"Tell me about it." a raspy voice agreed. "What a weirdo!"

"You said it." Ed started nodding. Then he realized something. "Wait, who said that?" Ed turned around to find Envy. "Oh it's you. Blah. … That reminds me, how do you-"

"LING WANT MORE FOOD!"

"Not now, Ling. How does one leave-"

"FOOOD, ED! FOOOOOOOOOOD!"

"SHUT UP, LING! ENVY, TELL US HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE!"

Envy scowled. "You don't. All three of us are royally screwed! All because of Gluttony's lousy Portal of Truth!"

"The what now?" Ed was confused. "Sir- or ma'am- I've been through the Portal of Truth. That was not the Portal of Truth." With his left hand, Ed snapped his fingers in an S motion and put his hands on his hips. "Mm-mm."

"Well that's because Gluttony is a _failed_ Portal of Truth."

"Oh." Ed was educated. "I get it."

"But yeah, we're totally going to die."

"No! But I'm already hungry again!" Ling moaned. He got onto his knees. "NOOOOOOOO-"

…

_FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - May Chang, Shao May_

_FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Envy_

…

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"SHUT UP!" Ed and Envy scolded the prince in unison.

"Well since you guys caused everything else that sucks, I'm gonna guess you homunculi had a hand in Ishval too?" Ed asked. Envy busted up laughing.

"Oh man, that takes me back! Best day of my life! I really got under you humans' skin that time! If I died later that die, I'd have died happy! The only time that comes close was the time that I killed Mae- … Never you mind. Come on kids, it's Envy's Story Time."

"Yay!" Ed and Ling sat down to eagerly listen to Envy's tale.

"Ahem…" the jealous homunculus started.

…

_**Envy's Story: One that is much, much, much better than Sloth's story because he is stupid and I am not and I have better hair than him and his hair is a rip-off mine: The Squeakuel**_

_Once upon a time, I disguised myself as an Amestrian soldier and shot some little Ishvalan girl during broad daylight. Everyone got mad, the actual soldier didn't have an alibi, so he was framed and court-martialed, and then we had a war. Later that day, I ate an entire pizza in one sitting. True story._

…

As a foreigner, Ling did not give the story much thought. Ed, on the other hand, was completely disgusted to have discovered this news. "You… you… did that?" Envy was making the troll face. Ed's expression then changed. "Pics or it didn't happen."

Envy stopped making the face. "Wait, you really don't believ-"

"SNEAK ATTACK!" Ed clocked Envy in the Adam's apple.

"AAAHH!" Envy was screaming. The attack didn't do much damage at all, it was mainly just that Envy was caught off-guard.

"Ling, give me some more of that pocket sand!"

"I'm out. … Or maybe I have more. That depends, is your other boot on the menu?"

Ed turned to argue with Ling, but the foreigner opened his eyes very wide. "Ling, I know you're hungry and I know this isn't your country! But come on, show a little respect! … What are you looking at?"

"… Envy."

"What about him?" Ed turned around. "Oh yeah big bad Envy is… Oh."

Envy had become a giant, green dinosaur with many arms. His hair was the same, and he had a bunch of vaguely humanoid creatures sticking out of his torso. His eyes were also strange, the right had a black sclera but the same blue iris, while the left eye had six purple irises and pupils.

"**SURPRISE! This is my real form, ***ches!**"

"Oh that's just not fair." Ed complained. Those were his last words before Envy's tail swatted him and Ling to the unknown reaches of Gluttony's belly.

…

Gluttony and Al were just sitting in the forest on the day after their big night. Al's left hand was missing, and the homunculus was eying Shao May as if she were a walking pizza bagel.

"Can I-"

"For the last time, no. You can't eat her." Al told Gluttony.

"Oh… I'm in trouble! Father will be mad that I ate a sacrifice candidate!"

Al perked up. "Wait, what? You have a father?"

"Uh-huh!" Gluttony nodded and smiled upon thinking of Father. "He made us! He can do anything!"

"(There's still a chance that Brother is alive. I don't know how I know that, though. … Oh well. Might as well see what this guy's talking about.) Gluttony, take me to see your father."

"Okay! Can we stop at the restaurant?"

"Gluttony…"

"Oh fine…" Gluttony complained.

…

Roy Mustang was in the Fuhrer's office with Wrath the Furious himself. King Bradley.

"(I've gone this far and he hasn't killed me. Nice. Still, better see what I can find out.) So, uh… now what?"

"Hm?" Bradley turned around. "Oh Colonel Mustang, I didn't know you were coming over."

"Sir, you brought me in here."

"… Oh yeah. Yep, the homunculi have pretty much been running the show from the start. You humans are annoying." Bradley turned back to the window, leaving Mustang confused by his words.

"Wait what about Hughes's funeral? You seemed upset then!" the colonel pointed out.

"Well…" started Bradley, "not for the reasons you might think. I mean you kept standing there with your mouth wide open the whole time like an idiot! Then that sissy Armstrong starts weeping, which caused Hughes's daughter to start weeping, and the mood was ruined! Does nobody know how to hold a good funeral anymore? When I die, I want only my killer to be by my side. My wife won't be there, she doesn't need to see me in my weakest moment."

Mustang was shocked. "Now hold on a minute, you just mentioned your wife but not your son."

Bradley laughed. "As if!" The wrathful homunculus continued to laugh for a minute or two. "Trust me, you don't know anything about Selim. He'd probably kill me himself if it made him look good! But that aspect of my life is none of your business. By the way, I'm transferring all of your men."

Roy spit the milk he was suddenly drinking all over Bradley.

"Stay classy."

"What? Why?" Mustang asked. "Why would you do get rid of my men?"

"Because I'm a colossal pr**k."

Mustang sat in silence for a moment. "… Oh… Yeah, that sounds about right."

…

"Lieutenant! I'm being transferred to the south! And Breda's heading to the west!" Fuery complained to Hawkeye outside of Central Command. This was news to her.

"What? Are you serious? And what about Falman?"

"… What _about_ Falman?"

"Touche." Hawkeye noted. Fuery pulled out a paper.

"Well if you must know… let's see… he's going north. Oh and you're gonna stay here at Central…"

Hawkeye nodded. "Okay."

"… as Fuhrer King Bradley's personal assistant."

Hawkeye's eyes bulged. "Not okay."

…

"Yep!" said Bradley. "Hawkeye's mine, now. Watch yourself."

Mustang glared at Fuhrer Bradley. On the other hand, Fuhrer Bradley was making the troll face.

…

_Ed, the alchemy prodigy with the automail arm. Ling, the greedy and gluttonous prince of Xing. Together, they found themselves face to face with the monstrous Envy the Jealous._

_Roy, a leader with ambitions. He was trapped in a room with Fuhrer King Bradley, also known as Wrath the Furious._

_Al, a boy's soul in a suit of armor. With nothing else, he had no choice but to trek to the father of the homunculi under Central with the help of Gluttony the Voracious._

_And no one got to spend quality time with Sloth the Indolent._

"**WHAT A PAIN…**" Sloth then made a face that conveyed the feeling of, 'forever alone'.

…

LET IT OUT

…

_Next time, it appears that I may be getting a few visitors. … I'm Father, in case you forgot._

(A/N: I think I overused the troll face joke, but I couldn't resist.)

(A/N 2: Again, sorry for the long wait, hopefully it won't happen again. It might, but hopefully not.)

(A/N 3: Once in here, Wrath says "as if". I specifically made him say that as a reference to the catch phrase of Xigbar from Kingdom Hearts II. Another eye patch-wearing villain I like.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**

**Outtake:**

Ling and Ed seemed to have reunited inside Gluttony's belly.

"In fact, how do I even know you're the real Ed? Are you Ed?"

Ed, in fact turned out to be a cardboard cutout of Ed held up by an older man.

"Nope. It's just Chuck Testa." said the man.


	26. Reunion

_**Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and its characters do not belong to me, the manga was created by Hiromu Arakawa, so I assume it belongs to her. The dub of the version of the anime this was based off of is by Funimation. This is just a humor parody written for fun.**_

…

**Episode 26: Let's Cause Indigestion**

…

HOLOGRAM  
>…<p>

Within Gluttony's belly, Ed and Ling were still totally getting owned by Envy's dinosaur form.

"Why you little-" Ed ran up to attack Envy, but one of the faces on his torso spoke up.

"I like trains."

"…" Ed was at a loss for words. Meanwhile Ling kept running around and slashing Envy at any opportunity.

"**QUIT DOING THAT, HUMAN!**"

"Human… Ling stop, those are innocent humans!"

Ling looked up from repeatedly stabbing one of the faces sticking out of Envy. "What was that, Ed? Oh no, that's false. These aren't humans at all."

"**YEAH, THEY'RE ACTUALLY- AAAAAAAAHHHH!**" Envy was interrupted by Ling slashing at him again.

"Big brother!" one of the faces called out to Ed.

"Huh… That reminds me, what's Al doing?"

Envy's tongue, which was just a mass of more torsos, wrapped itself around Ed and slingshot itself back into Envy's mouth.

"**PIPSQUEAK! IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER!**"

"ED, NO! DON'T LET THE ALIEN EAT YOU!"

"**… WHAT? I'M NOT AN ALIEN, I'M A HOMUNCULUS!**"

"Aha! You've fooled me before, but I know the truth now! You guys are aliens! That's where your power comes from! You just call yourselves homunculi to keep a low cover!"

"(**IDIOT…**)" Envy thought to himself.

…

"Excuse me, did you see this?" May showed a construction worker a picture of Shao May.

"Eh? Yeah, a guy in a suit of armor had that."

May's eyes widened. "THAT METAL GUY? I'LL GET HIM!"

May ran off to pursue Alphonse and recapture Shao May from his wicked, evil grasp. Scar merely followed, still shuddering at the memory of Yoki's face. He was in this funk for approximately ten minutes before something caught his eye.

"Hey little girl, I think we've found him." Scar said, pointing to an alleyway. In that alley were both Al and Gluttony, with Shao May on Al's shoulder.

"Shao May! Hoor-"

"Wait." Scar spoke flatly. "That other guy's a homunculus. So let's try not to get their attention."

"Whoa!"

Scar raised his eyebrow. "Now what is it?"

"I'm getting a real bad vibe from that building!"

…

Gluttony led Al and Shao May through the tunnel, passing all sorts of broken skeletons along the waterway.

"Um… What's with the skeletons?"

"Father's pets did that!" Gluttony explained. "As long as you're with me, they won't eat you! Speaking of eating, I'm hungry! Yay!"

…

Inside Envy who is inside Gluttony, Ed was well on his way to being completely eaten. That's when he noticed the Philosopher's Stone inside of Envy.

"Hey wait a minute!"

Outside of Envy, Ed kicked one of the giant homunculus's teeth out and hopped down.

"**OWWW! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE TOOTH!**"

"Envy, Ling, guess what! I think we can leave!" Ed told the others. He then finally got a good look at what was going on. He'd just ruined their Jenga pile. Ling and Envy had been playing Jenga. "... Seriously, guys?"

"**WELL IT STARTED WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT HE THOUGHT HOMUNCULI WERE ALIENS. THEN ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND- WAIT YOU SAID WE CAN LEAVE? HOT DOG!**"

…

"WAAAAA! MR. SCAR, I'M SCARED!" May was freaked out by the nature of this place. Scar looked up from completely dominating against the chimera guards.

"They're just chimeras. I've seen worse."

"No not that! I think there's… a throbbing mass of hurt people down there!"

Scar tried to imagine. "I'm… not seeing that, I'm sorry."

…

"Are we there yet?" Al asked.

"Are we where?" Gluttony responded in kind.

"YOUR FATHER, IDIOT! YOU JUST ATE MY BROTHER, I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY!"

"Oh. …. Almost."

…

"_I had noticed that the gatekeepers had been getting killed, recently. After much calculation, it had dawned on me that I was being searched for. Who was it that was coming to see me? Only after the commercial break, will you find out._" narrated the pale man himself, Father.

…  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Edward Elric<em>  
><em>FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Alphonse Elric<em>  
>…<p>

_King Bradley was narrating. The following events were happening as he was talking about them._

_"Once upon a time, I was a baby. I don't remember anything about my parents, but I somehow ended up left with a bunch of other babies. Reports have it that I was adorable. I killed the first person to tell me that. At that time in my life, I don't recall ever having a name. This was the beginning… of the King Bradley Saga. After slaughtering my infancy, I had emerged into the state of being a young boy. I had been forcefully enrolled into a class with other young boys of a similar manner to me."_

_"Hello class. One of you will become the new Fuhrer of Amestris. Will it be you?" the man ended up ironically asking the boy who would in fact come to gain the title._

**Name - Doctor with a Gold Tooth (nickname)**  
><strong>Specialty - Bio-Alchemy<strong>  
><strong>Notes - His previous career was being a pimp<strong>

_"… I guess so." responded Wrath-to-be._

_"So yeah they trained us all day, everyday. Nights too. They taught us pretty much everything. Political science, firearms, swordsmanship, tactics, Final Fantasy Tactics, Fantastic Four, fourscore and seven years ago, 7-Up, Pixar's movie Up, how to make pixels, and various other loose, barely passable word transitions."_

_The same boy was now a teenager or young adult. He'd been sword fighting against another prospective Fuhrer and accidentally stabbed him._

_"Whoops."_

_"Nope!" an instructor said. "Don't worry, it was meant to be this way. Here, have a melon." the instructor then handed the young man a melon for striking down his opponent._

_"They taught us that melons are the best gift you can give a person. They're hip with all the kids, you know. After that, it became clear to me that I was totally going to become the Fuhrer. Except I wasn't in the group nominated to take the final test to become Fuhrer. They picked stupid Billy over me! Well I killed Billy for that and they let me in due to the fact that I was wrathful and they were now short one person." said the narrator._

_One of the prospective Fuhrers was getting tested. The test consisted of having a Philosopher's Stone injected into the body._

_"AAAAAAHHHH! THE PAIN!" the candidate shouted. He died and the Philosopher's Stone removed itself from his body._

_"Lame!" one of the doctors spoke. "Number Twelve, you're up!"_

_The obvious survivor of this test lied down on the bloodied bed. Father leaned down over him._

_"I leaned down and gazed at the boy, wondering to myself if he had what it took to pass. I decided to question him. 'Could you be the one who will be my Fury?', I asked." Father asked._

_Not-yet-King Bradley shrugged. "… I guess. I could give it a shot."_

_"Did somebody say shot? Okay!" the gold-toothed doctor cheerfully stuck the needle in the boy._

_"Wait I didn't mean like that- WHOA! I can taste colors now!"_

_Bradley started narrating. "See when you put a Philosopher's Stone in someone to make a human-based homunculus like me, the body tries to eject the stone. The only outcome to that is to either die or overcome its power. Since I had decided that I was excellent, I knew that meant that my only option was to overcome its power."_

_The young man had conquered the Philosopher's Stone. The birth of Wrath the Furious was complete. His left eye was now the Ultimate Eye. The doctor with the gold tooth spoke up._

_"Good job! You're the new Fuhrer! We've got everything set up for you, your new name is King Bradley. As a prize, you also get this melon!"_

…

Bradley was still with Mustang in his room.

"And that was the day that everyone else realized that I was, am, and always will be, excellent."

Mustang was confused. "Sooo… Billy didn't get to take the test then?"

"Oh that reminds me, I only have one soul since this soul killed all the others in the Philosopher's Stone. So unlike my brethren, I can't regenerate. I have no 'extra lives' as they put it."

"Cool story bro." Mustang said. "Can I go now?"

"Did I mention how awesome being a homunculus is? It's way better than being a lousy human!"

…

Ling had put a splint on Ed's natural arm.

"There we go."

"**I'M BACK!**" Envy had dropped the last piece of the stone mural he could find. Ed stood up.

"Okay gentlemen. And Envy. Based off this Xerxian mural, I've deduced that based off of the sun and the moon, which represent-"

"I'm lost." Ling announced. Ed slapped himself.

"Fine, I'll keep it simple." Ed cleared his throat and turned to Ling and made sure that his voice sounded as if he were an actual idiot. "Duuuuh, this here's a circle! It's special! Human transmutation!"

"Okay." Ling nodded. "Go on, I'm getting it now."

Ed started speaking normally again. "Well I'm gonna transmute all of us with Human Transmutation, and we'll all pop out of Gluttony like the gate he is!"

"**HAHA, AWESOME! I CAN'T WAIT TO POP OUT OF GLUTTONY! HE'S BEEN ON MY NERVES EVER SINCE LUST DIED! LET'S DO IT! LET'S CAUSE INDIGESTION!**"

"Oh that reminds me. Envy, what's your boss up to?"

"**OH THAT? YEAH I'LL TELL YOU AS SOON AS WE GET OUT.**"

"Cool."

"**Sucker…**"

"What was that?"

"**I SAID… SUCKER- D'OH WAIT I DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!**"

Ed kept his lecture up. "Oh and based on stuff and things, I've found out that Xerxes ended because they're all a Philosopher's Stone now."

"**OH BY THE WAY, MY PHILOSOPHER'S STONE CAN PAY THE TOLL FOR US. YOU'RE LUCKY I'M TRAPPED IN THIS MINUS WORLD WITH YOU GUYS.**"

"But Envyyyyyyy!" Ed whined. "Those are hum-"

"NO THEY'RE NOT!" Envy and Ling yelled at once.

"It's an alien trick Ed, they're just energy!"

"**IT'S NOT ALIEN, BUT IT IS JUST A TRICK. THEY'RE JUST ENERGY. THEIR MINDS AND BODIES ARE GONE. THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM! SCREW YOUR BROTHER'S SITUATION, THESE AREN'T HUMANS! CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY?**"

Ed sighed. "Fine! … Don't gotta be such a little ***ch about it…"

…

After a quick Jenga rematch, Ling and Envy were called over to see Ed's completed circle.

"Okay Ling. If I die, warn everyone what the homunculi are up to." the alchemist said.

"Who, the aliens?"

"Ling, they're not-"

"Then explain their super powers! They're aliens! And no, I won't warn everyone."

"But… why?"

"Your country, your problem."

"… You won't at least pass it on to my brother?"

"Not even if I see him."

"You're… kind of a jerk. Quit being so greedy! Man whatever, you suck. I liked you better when you thought you were an alien."

Ed began the transmutation. The giant eyeball reappeared in the center of the circle. At that point, Ed turned to Ling.

"Now, Ling!"

Ling stepped into the circle and began being deconstructed alongside Ed and Envy.

…

At last, Gluttony and Al had reached Father's doorstep.

"So he's in there?" Al asked.

"Who?" the hungry homunculus didn't remember in the slightest.

"… I'll take that as a yes."

…

_Ed was at the Gate of Truth. It was pure white, just as before. He got up and cracked his neck._

_"Man that was uncomfortable- Holy other portal!" Ed noticed that there was another portal across from his. Sitting at the portal was a boy close to his age. This boy was far too skinny, he was unclothed, and his hair and nails have grown too long._

_Ed's eyes widened. "Al! It's you!" This caused the boy to turn around._

_"… Sorry, Edward. I'm just his body."_

_"Aw fiddlesticks." Then Ed's gate opened and a bunch of arms grabbed him and started reeling him in. "Nuts! Al, hurry! Grab my hand!"_

_Al shook his head. "I can't do it unless I have my soul with me."_

_"… You sure?"_

_"Yes. Sorry."_

_And with that Ed was pulled into the gate and it shut. Alphonse's body was alone once mo-_

_BAM!_

_"THEN I'LL GET YOUR SOUL! WHATEVER IT TAKES! I'M SERIOUS, AND YOU CAN TELL THAT BECAUSE I'M NEEDLESSLY SHOUTING!" Ed stated the obvious after punching his gate back open to get in one last word with Al. "YOU'LL SEE! AND I'LL SHOUT THEN, TOO! IF I REMEMBERRRRR…." Ed was dragged off once more._

_Al smiled, happy to know how much he meant to his brother._

…  
>LET IT OUT<br>…

_Next time, Hohenheim stars in a filler episode. … Lame._

(A/N: I don't like Envy, but it's still fun to write for him. Probably because it's my chance to have bad things happen to him. He's just so smug and has too many fangirls.)

See you next time, State Alchemist

**RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander, Guard, Slicer Brothers, Hughes, Chiko the Cat, Ulchi, Dolcetto, Roa, Martel, Greed, Comanche, Lust, Barry**


End file.
